


Growing up to love you

by turmawen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bullying, Curses, Eventual Smut, F/M, First Love, Friends to Enemies, James Potter & Lily Evans Potter Die, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, Minor Character Death, Minor Character Rape, Minor Original Character(s), Severus love Lily first, Slow Burn, Sorry Harry, Teacher-Student Relationship, Wizarding Culture (Harry Potter), Wizarding Traditions (Harry Potter), Wizarding World (Harry Potter), Young Severus Snape, no Lily hate, reader has a crush on James first, reader is friends with Lily, seriously guys slow slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:40:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 119
Words: 170,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26432059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turmawen/pseuds/turmawen
Summary: I still don't know where exactly I'll go with this. For now, the story starts with us as 1st years and Severus as the 5th year. We get acquainted with him and Lily. There'll be some troubles on the way and I hope to eventually go to the time when Severus will become our teacher.I post every day but the chapters are short. And it's a real slow burn....with some smut intended for those who enjoy it ;)EDIT: it's been some time since I started this so I have a pretty good idea where I'm going with this story now, just so you know :D
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter & Reader, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape, Severus Snape & Reader, Severus Snape/Reader
Comments: 550
Kudos: 381





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Posting my first fic here! Not a native speaker, so kindly tell me about my mistakes :D Also, I do slappy work on paragraphs, I just do them randomly to make it easier to read...  
> Without further ado, please enjoy! Oh, and leave a comment ;)

When you first arrived at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, you were simply mesmerized. So much so, you barely realized where you were. That was until you entered The Great Hall. Your senses were attacked by so much glamour and magic you thought you would suffocate.   
The second time you felt like that was when you first saw her. Long shiny red hair, soft blue eyes, beautiful and friendly smile. 

„Hey, are you okay?“ she asked you as she bent down for the books you just dropped to her feet when you two collided.   
„Ehm... thank you,“ you said and felt your face getting warmer with embarrassment. The older girl gave you an assuring smile and she handed you your books from the ground.  
„Be careful next time.“  
„Sure... ehm!“ you tried to stop her as she was turning away, „do you happen to know which way to Transfiguration class?“ you asked hastily. She looked surprised for a moment but then she smiled again.  
„You’re a first-year?“ You just nodded affirmatively. She tried to explain as best she could, which way you should go, when a very loud-voiced called out: „Evans!“ and she turned her head to the boy who shouted to her. She turned back to you with an annoyed expression which she tamed a bit.  
„Hope you’ll find it...“  
„(Y/N) ... (Y/L),“ you said and tried to free one of your hands from the pile of books. Unsuccessfully.   
„Lily Evans, nice to meet you, (Y/N).“   
„You too, Lily.“

And that’s how you met her in your first year, the third day of school. Your eleven ears old self loved her and admired her. You felt like talking to someone like her would be life-changing and indeed, in a way it was.  
It was not even two hours later and you couldn’t find your way back to Slytherin Common Room. As you were exiting Transfiguration class, which, by the way, you found just before Professor McGonagall came in, you were thinking about why everyone was so obsessed with collecting the Chocolate Frog Cards and before you knew it, everyone was gone.

You went through the halls, trying to locate someone, anybody. First, you spotted two Hufflepuff boys, but you soon enough found out, they won’t be of any help. You needed a Slytherin.  
After some more corners and empty halls, you found a way outside, to a courtyard. You went quickly around the castle grounds and finally spotted a guy in green sitting under a tree with a book. With a huge amount of relief, you ran to him and barely stopped to not fall onto him.   
Your laboured breath made him look up to you and your big grin. He was a little pale and you wondered for a moment if he should go from the shadow of the tree to catch some autumn sunlight before winter comes, but then he turned back to his book.

„Hi, I-“  
„Get lost, squirt.“   
Your face fell and you took a deep breath to steady yourself after the run. It wasn’t harsh, but neither was it friendly.  
„I need your help, though,“ you said much less enthusiastically and more warily. His brows twitched and his black piercing eyes turned to you again, this time with a more inquisitive look. You were looking back at him and there was a pause until he huffed out a breath of air and rolled his eyes.

„Out with it, squirt.“  
You frowned a little.  
„I’m (Y/N), not a squirt and I can’t find a way to the Slytherin Common Room.“  
You saw a tug in the corner of his mouth as if he almost wanted to smile and you found it kinda funny.   
„Until you’ll know your way around the castle, you’re a squirt,“ he said but packed his book and stood up and went to the castle. You were watching him, thinking he’s running away from you, because he finds you annoying.

„Come, squirt, before you get lost again!“ he shouted while still looking ahead of him. You smiled and ran after him and into the castle.  
You entered the Common Room and saw your saviour rush to the Boy’s Dormitories. You quickly grabbed his sleeve to stop him, which surprised him.  
„Thank you...“  
He just nodded and was about to turn but you tugged at the sleeve to keep him from it.  
„What’s your name?“ you asked with insistence as if to remind him you already told him yours and now he’s being rude.  
„Severus,“ he said simply with a hint of annoyance and before you could say anything else, he broke loose from you and went away.


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn’t long before you found a decent friend in your house. Vistaria was one of the Slytherins with no prejudices about other witches and wizards and no qualms about befriending people from other houses. You found that quite endearing and interesting.

„We should go or we will miss the game,“ she was saying as you hurried through the corridor and outside to be on time for the first Quidditch game of the year.  
„Really, Vis, I don’t think flying around and chasing balls is so exciting to watch...“  
„Oh, hush! I’m aiming to be on the team as soon as I can.“

Sports were never really your passion. Not that you didn’t like some nice walk or even a light run. Being active wasn’t the problem, playing games with rules was. You weren’t a rule-breaker but you didn’t like rules very much, which led to your general distaste for everything with rules.  
You just rushed past a tall guy when you stopped to take a better look at him, something about him seemed familiar. 

„Severus!“ you said with a huge grin, ignoring the overenthusiastic tug of Vistaria. The head of raven black hair turned up from the book he was reading to find out who called out to him. When he spotted you, his right brow twitched a little. His annoyed expression was a little undermined by the curiosity in his eyes.  
„Squirt,“ he just said as he let the hand with the book fall to his side. You frowned a little.  
„Y/N...“  
He gave the faintest smile but made his way to you.  
„Not until I say so.“  
„Rude.“  
His expression changed into amused one as you were pouting.

„Y/N, let’s go! We’ll miss the beginning!“ Vistaria was practically dragging you and you had only a second to wave at Severus to say goodbye to him.  
You made your way to watch Griffindor closely beating Hufflepuff, but your attention wasn’t really on the game itself but on a very good-looking seeker in red.  
_____  
  
In the next month and a half, you already got accustomed to most of your life at Hogwarts. You still got lost occasionally, when the moving stairs had bad days, but otherwise, you were fine. 

One day you were at the library, trying to complete some impossible assignment for Charms when a lovely familiar face showed right in front of you.  
„Y/N... right? How are you doing? Getting more used to the many corridors in here?“ Lily asked you as she was looking at you from above and holding many heavy-looking books.  
„Lily,“ you said with so much enthusiasm, you got some nasty stares from students around you and a very strict voice of the librarian gave you a warning.  
„Can I sit with you?“ Lily asked when you didn’t answer her questions due to your embarrassment. You just nodded, too afraid to talk so soon. She smiled and sat down.  
„Charms, hm?“ she asked as she noticed your work. You let out a small whimper.  
„It’s torture, I’m telling you!“ you whined quietly.  
„Let me help you with that,“ she said and stood up from the opposite chair to go sit next to you.

You were working on your assignment for a while, almost finishing, when you heard a familiar voice.  
„That’s cheating, ugly.“ You groaned internally as your eyes landed on Daniel. This guy made it his mission to keep on bothering you. For some reason, he had a huge problem with you making friends in his house, Griffindor.  
„Get lost, Daniel.“

Lily was watching this exchange curiously and somehow it amused her. Especially the way, the young boy from her house turned slightly red as you said his name. He frowned and his eyes turned to Lily.  
„Why are you helping a Slytherin instead of your own housemates?“ he spat with venom and you felt like punching him in the nose.  
„She’s my friend and she’s far nicer than you,“ Lily said with a mischievous glint in her eyes as she watched Daniel turn around quickly and running out of the library.


	3. Chapter 3

Christmas came and you were super excited. You were trying really hard to enchant some Christmas cards. One for your family, one for Vistaria, one for Lily. You sent the one for your family via owl post and after some consideration, you did the same with the one for Lily. You still felt more like a fan of hers than a friend even after all the planned study sessions you two had and you weren’t sure if you’d be able to reach her personally.

You were just about to enter Slytherin Commons with the last card in hand to give, but when you turned the corner, you bumped into someone.  
„Watch it!“ the annoying voice of Daniel screamed at you. You gave him a frown but before you could say anything, another voice from behind you cut in.  
„Move it, squirts, you’re in the way,“ you turned to look into deep black eyes and you smiled.  
„Severus! I haven’t seen you in a long time!“

It really had been a long time. The first Quidditch game was sometime around the end of September and you hadn’t caught a glimpse of him since.  
You were met with silence from him, but Daniel let his childish jealousy get the better off him and he pulled your hair hard, so your head yanked back with a scream.  
„Ugly!“ he yelled as he tried to move past you and Severus to run away but he didn’t get far. As you wiped the tears that sprang free from the pain, you saw him hanging in the air upside down. You were in awe and noticed just then, that Severus had his wand out and aimed at Daniel.

„Remember this, squirt. This is what happens to careless Griffindors who bully Slytherins. I have to give it to you, you have some guts to do it practically in front of our Commons,“ he said with boredom and the slightest hint of satisfaction in his voice.   
Daniel was waving his hands and legs in the air, helplessly trying to get back to earth. You noticed some other Slytherins walking by, most of them smirking and being amused.  
„Severus,“ you whispered and he turned to you, „let him down, please.“  
You were shocked and in truth a bit terrified. You couldn't have known this animosity between houses was way beyond you back then. You were a child who grew up in a loving family of wizards and witches with no sides and no grudges against anyone. You were about to experience a whole new world of magic, a world of hate and anger and prejudices.

Severus didn't even look at you but he let the little urchin down rather gently. Daniel picked himself up and ran out of the dungeons. You gave Severus a weak smile.  
„Thanks for your help,“ you said and turned to go to the Commons, upset yet thankful.  
„Y/N...“ it was a whisper, but he said your name and you stopped and turned, cautious of what he wanted to say that he called you by your name. „Sorry.“  
You weren’t sure for what he was apologising but you nodded your head slightly and this time gave him a little more persuasive smile.  
„Merry Christmas, Severus.“  
He frowned a little at that but with a weak nod, he replied in the same fashion.

You got a small Christmas gift from Lily, which pleasantly surprised you and made you probably happier than the one from your parents. It was a cute little moving snowman who didn't melt inside. Vistaria went home to celebrate Christmas but left you three Chocolate Frogs on your bed with a note. 

_"So you can experience the delight of making your own collection."_

_\- V._

You rolled your eyes but had a big grin on your face anyway. Overall you had a pleasant Christmas time and you didn'T even mind you had to stay at Hogwarts since your parents went away to France for some 'important business'.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO TELL YOU READERS HOW OLD ARE LILY AND SEVERUS!!! MY BAD!! 😆😆😆  
> THEY'RE 5TH-YEARS 😅😅  
> Sorry and enjoy the rest with this knowledge

Vistaria was babbling on and on and you just let her, getting lost in your thoughts. It was a late March and the last game of Quidditch was on today's programme. You weren't a huge fan but you could watch and admire the lithe and strong bodies of your upperclassmen mingle with the opposing team. Especially when the opposing team was Griffinsdor and your favourite Seeker was playing.

You were just about to enter one of the green towers when you noticed the boy of your dreams talking to Lily. She had a frown on her face while his face was amused with a hint of pride.

"Go ahead and keep me a seat, Vis."

You didn't wait for the answer and ran towards the couple standing by. You got near them just when Lily took her hand out from her robes and slapped the Griffindor Seeker on the face. 

"You're a brute and an arrogant prick, James, just get over yourself!" you heard her say angrily. You stopped in your tracks, confused about the situation. 

"Lily?" you said but it wasn't loud enough for them to hear. You tried again. "Lily!" The redhead turned your way together with the Seeker. Lily was a little pale in the face, James frowned deeply. You ran to them and looked with some concern at Lily.

"Are you okay?" you asked.

"Why do you care?" James quickly asked with some venom to his voice. Your mind running wild produced a strange thought. Were all the older boys this 'nice' when meeting younger students or was it just your luck?

"Leave her alone, James, she's just being nice," you heard Lily's angered voice. You felt the tension between the two older students and you let out a strangled laugh.

"It's okay, just wanted to know you're okay," you said in Lily's direction and then turned to James, "and wish you luck. You're my favourite player, but don't tell on me."

You had a twinkle in your eye, feeling mischievous about supporting the opposing team even a little bit. You waved them both goodbye and ran to find Vistaria. You just hoped they would be alright.

____

Two weeks later you were aimlessly wandering the Castle Grounds when you spotted a familiar red hair in the crowd of students and went there to say hi to Lily. You wavered in your step as you saw the person next to her. To your utter surprise, it was Severus. You were so overjoyed to see both of them, you failed to notice the tension in the air around them.

"Severus! Lily!" you ran towards them with a huge grin and they both looked surprised to see you and to hear you say both their names.

"Y/N?" Lily asked carefully while Severus just stared at you and then at her.

"You know each other?" he asked in a low tone as if it somehow enraged him. You just looked at him with a curious gaze.

"Y/N and I are studying in the library quite often. Do your pure-blood friends have a problem with it too?" you heard Lily say with some disdain and hurt. Severus shot her a nasty look and turned to you.

"Be careful, squirt, it's not an easy road for a Slytherin-Griffindor friendship."

"Why are you telling her that?!" Lily yelled now. Severus had a stoic expression but behind his eyes, there was a conflict.

"It's true. It's not easy," he said with gritted teeth. Your mind was all around the place. What exactly was happening here? How do they know each other? Why are they fighting?

"Stay away from her, Severus, you're just poisoning her mind with all that elite nonsense your friends are so proud of."

They were both angry and defiant and you didn't like it one bit. You weren't used to people fighting around you and it felt awkward and uncomfortable.

"Because you and Potter are a far better company, I forgot," he spat at her, the word Potter sounding almost as an insult.

"Leave James out of this, Sev, this is about you and your friends. Your idiot friends who indulge in Dark Arts and support a pure-blood fanatic!"

Severus jerked his head. "A fanatic, who wants to get rid of people like me!" Lily added and this time Severus just looked down and let the curtain of his black hair fall into his face.

"My friends have a vision. Your friends are bullies and arrogant idiots!"

It started barely above a whisper but at the end, Severus was yelling again, his face angry and red. You noted the change of colour didn't suit him very much. Lily, on the other hand, was better suited for the red in her face. It somehow made her even more stunning, fiery. 

"James isn't my friend!"

"NO! He's your boyfriend!"

"NO!"

"Okay, admirer then... whatever!"

Most of the students were inside the Castle now, trying to find their way to the next class, but even so, the shouting was so loud, some of them took a peek out of the window to see what's going on. You were still standing there, trying to make sense of all the things said in the argument.

"You're an idiot, Severus!"

"STOP IT!" you shouted and they both looked at your worried face and tear-filled eyes. "Just stop fighting already..." you said quieter. You didn't know what to do and just stood there, wiping your unshed tears from your eyes.

Lily Evans was a good girl but she was a proud Griffindor. Severus, on the other hand, saw an image far too familiar. A little kid, crying while his parents fought with nothing but tears of hopelessness. Those things were the reason why it was Severus who first dropped his angry fighting stance and kneeled before you. He offered a handkerchief to you and though he didn't smile at you he tried to encourage you by a simple gesture of his hand on your shoulder.

"Squirt, there's no need to cry over this," he said and stood up. You quickly blew your nose into the offered handkerchief and tried to give it back but he just made a disgusted face and shook his head with a tiny smile. "Keep it, squirt." And with that, he strode into the Castle.

"Sorry, Y/N, we lost it a bit. How about I treat you to something good and you can tell me how you and Severus became friends."

You looked at Lily and nodded. That sounded good, you wanted to know a few things too.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm betting here on your knowledge of HP, so I kinda skipped the explanation of how Lily and Severus became friends hinted in the previous chapter.
> 
> I also skipped us explaining to Lily our connection with Severus. It felt like a fun talk but with no character exploration or story progress if I didn't want to reveal some stuff prematurely.

You were still in awe of the connection between Lily and Severus. How was this even real that two people, outside your year you interact with, are childhood friends?

What interested you, even more, was the way Lily was talking about it. With great nostalgia and some sort of resigned sadness.

"What happened?" you asked. "Why are you fighting now?" 

Lily sighed and looked out of the huge library window. Her nails were thumping against the thick wooden table, her other hand under her chin. 

"Sev is meeting some people... his friends are jerks."

You were trying hard to imagine yourself in her situation. It was beyond your imagination it seemed. You never had a childhood friend. You had friends as a child, sure, but not someone close enough to stay with you while growing up. 

"But you were his friend first. Doesn't he like you more?" 

Your naive question both amused and irritated Lily. She turned back to you and studied you for a while.

"How should I say this... The amount of time you spend with someone doesn't measure your friendship."

You weren't an idiot, you knew that.

"But you fight because you care, right?"

Lily was thinking deeply about that question and the result of her inner search surprised even her. No. She didn't really care. She was just jealous. Jealous that she wasn't the only important person in Severus's life. What struck her, even more, was the next realization. Though she wanted to be the only person in his life, she wasn't willing to be that person for him. She felt ashamed for herself, her face turning red by the realization.

You watched her while she tried to process all this, but soon you got lost in your own thoughts. You were thinking of their discussion about James. Was Severus jealous of him? Did Lily like James? If so, how about that heated discussion she had with him the other day before Quidditch game? You mind was reeling and spinning with how hard you tried to understand all these relationships.

Eventually you both got up, said your goodbyes and went separate ways. Both of you had a mind full of mixed thoughts and feelings. The rest of your day was like a movie you went to watch even though you didn't want to. Just passing you by without your attention and with you wishing it ended already.

______

Severus couldn't believe it. He was walking through the Castle corridors aimlessly. Like a body without a soul. His mind was elsewhere. He tried to figure out why he got into this mess in the first place. How did he start to fight with Lily?

She confronted him about that little imp he lectured after he was bothering you. She was clearly dismayed by the fact Severus used magic on a kid so young with no means of defence. Severus thought it an appropriate way of giving a lesson to a bully. 

Then it went awry to their lifelong argument about his inclination to Dark Arts which always ended in catastrophe. Then you showed up.

He got riled up by your presence since it was partly your fault he was fighting with Lily in the first place. He got riled up even more after finding out you two knew each other. 

So far, Severus was clear about his actions and deemed them reasonable but the next part was the tough one. The part where he stopped the argument to console you. 

Why would he do that? He wasn't particularly fond of children and he knew you only briefly. How well did he really know you?

He went through his interactions with you and he stopped in his corridor-pacing with a realization. Each time he saw you he ended up helping you, rescuing you.

The first time you talked to him, he was both shocked and flattered. Someone needed him. It was a strange feeling he didn't understand back then.

The second time he heard you talking to you friend about your close-to-nonexistent enthusiasm about Quidditch and though you gave him the opening, the opportunity, he tried to cheer you up with some light teasing. Only now did he find it odd since he had never been one to tease. 

The third time he rescued you from your tormentor. He had to admit that time it wasn't the satisfaction of helping he sought but the revenge and his sense of justice. He stopped the memory there, not really fond of the rest of it.

The fourth time was not even an hour ago. That look on your face. It felt like an out of body experience, like he wasn't in control of his actions. It was more like a reflex when he kneeled down to console you.

He was projecting his life on you way too much, he decided. 


	6. Chapter 6

It's been roughly a month since Lily and Severus fought and you noticed she swiftly avoided your every attempt at starting a conversation about it. Severus seemingly disappeared from the face of the earth, much like before, and you were left confused and sad.

It got only worse the day before. Lily came to the library, completely furious and walked right past you to sit at the table with a few girls from her house and year. You blinked a few times, confused again. What exactly happened?

You entertained a thought of going to her but you were no brave heart and she seemed to be avoiding you on purpose.

Two weeks went by and Lily ignored you whenever you two showed up at the library at the same time. You grew tired of making opportunities and excuses for her and decided to go to a more secluded part of the library. You trailed between the bookshelves and racks until you happened upon a small lonely table with two chairs.

You looked around and realised you're close to the Restricted Section. Most of the books looked ominous and were no doubt about Dark Arts. There was a comfortable-looking armchair near the small table and you were mulling over where you should sit. 

You postponed writing your Potions essay and took a seat in the armchair which was indeed very comfortable and you opened up your Astronomy book to learn some star names and constellations.

In no longer than an hour you were lightly napping. This last week you were trying to study alone but your motivation wavered and you were spacing a tad too much in your classes which ultimately led to some added work (like the forementioned Potions essay). It all resulted in some sleep deprivation.

A lithe figure was watching you from behind one of the bookshelves. Lily Evans was frustrated. She knew you were nothing but innocent in all this but she was hurt by Severus so much she had a hard time believing another Slytherin. Her childhood friend called her a mudblood. The bond between you two wasn't that strong nor was it a very long one. So she shunned you out of her life. Over fear of being hurt. Lily was so ashamed of herself. Wasn't she supposed to be confident and brave?

"Lily?" 

She turned to see Severus's shocked face. He just opened his mouth, no doubt about to repeat his apology for like a hundredth time. Lily just passed him and went away. She didn't want to deal with this. She was angry with Severus and no longer had any strength to fight with him about his friends and his ways. 

Severus stood there, his mind blank. Lily was there. Just as he was about to start to function again, he noticed you in his usual study place. His armchair.

Then his mind went overdrive. What's this? How is it you again? Why are you always... Well everywhere! Is this some sick joke? Some wicked fate? Was he cursed? Jinxed? Hexed? He was just staring at your sleeping form for a while.

He was just about to leave but when he turned he noticed another person standing nearby. That little imp. His face was angry and maybe even disgusted.

"Creep. Seriously, you're a freak!"

Severus wanted to retort something smart but he felt a light bump into his back and two slender arms around his waist.

You came to him as soon as you roused from your sleep. He stood there, his back to you and the fact that Lily turned from you made you quickly grab onto him. You were afraid to lose him too.

"Severus," you said, your voice sleepy and muffled by his robes as you had your face pressed to his back. 


	7. Chapter 7

Severus was stunned. He was looking ahead, barely acknowledging the nonsense the imp was spouting.

"You two sickos deserve each other!"

You hadn't noticed Daniel till then. After letting go of Severus, just so you could peek out from behind him, you noticed your used-to-be tormentor.

"Daniel?" you asked a little confused and mildly angry.

He was watching you angrily but after giving one last nasty glare to Severus, he left, almost ran.

"Squirt..." Severus hoarsely whispered and then cleared his throat. "Let go of me," he continued with a more steady voice. You let go. He turned to you.

"Se-"

"I don't know what's going on here but let me make one thing clear. I'm not your friend. And I don't really want to be meeting you so often. I didn't seek out your company, it just so happened we crossed paths a few times. That's it. That's all."

Again, much like the first time he spoke to you, his tone was almost bored or just way too mundane for saying all this. Were you older, you would look through this act. You'd know his tone was too robotic, too mechanical to be sincere. But after all, you were just a soon-to-be twelve years old. 

And so you believed every word. You thought you were annoying him. What you felt though wasn't sadness. No. You were angry. Furious even. You felt like your trust in people suffered a great deal since you arrived at Hogwarts.

You ran away and out of the library. You were thankful you had an exam period ahead. You would just focus on school. You'd be a great witch with no need for others.

Severus just sighed after your hasty exit and tried to make sense of all the things that happened to him. He felt lost. Angry. Confused. Your feelings were quite similar if you thought about it. He too decided to drown himself in studying. Not the one dictated by school though. He almost merged with the Dark Arts section of the library.

As for Lily, she tried her best to move on. She tried to become someone with fewer fears and worries. Someone stronger. That included a huge confession to herself. She was crushing on that idiot Potter. That realization brought some ugly insight into her relationship with Severus.

One may have expected this would turn her around and made her accept his apology, but the opposite happened. She knew how childish James can be and how he would never be on good terms with Severus. Or the other way around. Ultimately she had a choice in front of her. And it was an easy one to make. 

A friend who insulted her the worst possible way or a guy her heart chose? 

The three of you hadn't spoken till the end of the school year. You celebrated your birthday in May with Vistaria and after somehow successfully going through your exams you left Hogwarts. As you were looking out of the window of a Hogwarts Express you felt to be a different person than the one who arrived in September.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ufff. So we have a first year behind 😁 I'm really trying to move fast through since all the good stuff will happen in our seventh year and from then on 😀 but don't worry, there'll be things happening in our second year too 😉  
> Also, I'm sorry if you wanted to implement your own birthday but... there's a reason.


	8. Chapter 8

You had a nice summer if you could say so. You were writing to Vistaria a lot and though she was an enthusiastic little minx who couldn't really stay at one place, she found time to write you back, though her letters were practically impossible to read. She was skipping from one story to another, but you enjoyed how her mind perceived the world, like one huge adventure.

You met with her on the platform 9 and 3/4, where she welcomed you with a tight hug and a huge grin which you returned. 

"Where are your parents?" she asked and her eyes were scanning the area behind you.

"Oh, they're usually busy, especially lately."

Her smile faltered but you patted her shoulder with a smile on your own face.

"Don't worry. I'm not the lonely kind. More like the one who enjoys loneliness. Promise. I don't want to see this sad face."

She looked suspicious for a while but then shrugged.

"Whatever you say. My parents are super busy too and I'm too active to stay around so I usually go for some summer activities. Like this Quidditch camp, I told you about? It was a blast! I'm gonna make it into the team...if not this year then the next one for sure..."

You were in doubt of why was Vistaria in Slytherin sometimes but whenever she spoke of Quidditch, the ambition and determination in her eyes was unmistakable. You admired this strong persona she became whenever her favourite sport was even mentioned. She had a goal and she was going for it. 

It made you wonder about your own future which seemed so hazy to you. There was no real ambition in you. No determination. Yes, you were skilled in learning as much as necessary but not an ounce more. The exact amount needed for a passing grade. But what future could that possibly lead to?

You had a goal in mind for this year. To study, study and study. Find something you would like, you would enjoy.

____

After the annual headmaster speech, you were dismissed and as a second-year, you had a tough choice in front of you. At the end of this year, you were supposed to choose at least two other subjects and you had close to no idea, what would be the best ones for you.

You thought about going to the library before the curfew but your memories of that place were still hard to go back to.

In the end, you had to persuade yourself with some logic to go. Surely there wouldn't be many people on the very first day, so your chances of running into either of the two people you didn't want to meet were slim.

You went quickly through the shelves of books, going through the list in your head. COMC, SOAR, Divination, Muggle Studies and Arithmancy.

Though you were pretty sure that your parents would disown you if you took Muggle Studies, you took one book as a reference anyway. Divination sounded like nonsense to you, one book it is. Arithmancy was maybe too much of a struggle. Two books. Care of Magical Creatures, well, you were no pet person but you took three books on the subject anyway. Finally, Study of Ancient Runes. You were pretty confident it would be one of your chosen subjects. You took five books. 

You were lucky you managed the Leviosa charm so well or you wouldn't be able to navigate all the book through the library.

Just as you were carefully landing them in front of Mr Thyme, the almost ancient librarian, a tall figure with long black hair appeared in the entrance to the library.

You didn't notice him, and though he noticed you, he purposely ignored you and took long strides to his corner in the library.

Severus was dismayed to see you the first day of school and much like the last time he saw you, he wondered if this was really all just a coincidence. He was, once again, blaming the universe for bad luck and difficult life. This time his blaming was even more heated thanks to the summer he had. His Muggle father took it to the next level and left his mother with some serious bruising before Severus took some action. Some forbidden magical action. 

He had a stand in front of a Ministry of Magic for breaking the law of underaged usage of magic and his mother closed off even more than ever, not even capable of defending him in the trial.

Severus had no choice but to take Veritaserum, which wasn't to his liking. He felt his privacy being violated by some of the questions he had to answer and his overall mood was sour for another two weeks afterwards.

His return to Hogwarts was supposed to be an escape. With all honesty, he hadn't really thought of you that much until he saw you again this day. He only waged between his house hell and the torment of seeing Lily who still hadn't forgiven him.


	9. Chapter 9

You chanced a few more visits to the library and were pleased to find out not Lily nor Severus were around. You had no idea if they simply had timetables so different from yours or if they stopped going to the library altogether, but you didn't care much.

The beginning of this year seemed promising. Your studies went all right, though you still had no idea about what you'd like to do or be one day. Your relationship with Vistaria got deeper and you two became a great friend. You didn't see much of Lily or Severus.

You had one problem though. Hormones. In all the ways, you were a hormonal teenager. You felt your moods getting way out of line sometimes, you experienced your first period in the middle of November and you started to get interested in boys in a different way than just potential friends and classmates.

To your utter despair, you found out your previous fascination with James Potter was getting a little more serious. That was bad for various reasons. He was a Griffindor. He was an arrogant jerk. He was one of the reasons Lily and Severus fought with each other. He made you think of Lily and Severus. You got furious whenever you thought of them, which eventually happened every time you thought about James.

To add gasoline to fire you heard around the school that he's into Lily and he makes no effort to hide it. There was this ugly nagging feeling whenever you thought about that. A rise of anger. Frustration. 

As if things couldn't get worse, one day, it was an early December morning, Vistaria came to you all hyper and chipper. 

"Guess what, Y/N!"

It was a little too early for you to be this enthusiastic but you have her a small encouraging smile.

"Well, you obviously want to tell me something and I have no idea what, so please, go on."

She got closer to you on your bed and had a glint of something in her eyes. There was a secrete on the way.

"You can't tell anyone, though," she whispered and you just nodded and crossed your heart.

"I got kissed!" she somehow managed to squeal very quietly.

You were taken aback. You had your hormonal problem, yes, but it never really occurred to you that the girls around you were in a similar position. 

"Oh...wow..."

"Well if that doesn't sound awfully optimistic..." she said with sarcasm and a hint of sadness.

"No! That's not it! I'm just...confused. With who? Where?"

She was pleased with my questions and started her story about this guy named Jacob and how amazing he is. 

You got a feeling from her babbling that he'd be older than her and you felt a strange kind of jealousy. Not that you wanted this Jacob guy. Or you weren't happy for your friend but there was a sort of you that wished you had a story of your own to talk about. Your stories were so depressing compared to hers.


	10. Chapter 10

Severus was having a crappy day. Christmas was near and he always got a little grumpy around that time but this day, in particular, was even worse.

Students started to go home and so the Potter gang seemed it fit to play a last prank of the year on him. He got less cautious since their bullying eased a lot this year. He won't make that mistake again.

Than he got a letter from the Ministry. His mother disregarded three calls to the Ministry, which led to some forced entry into his house. 

Tobias Snape didn't take kindly to that, apparently, and after some threats being exchanged, he was ultimately Obliviated to forget the existence of the Wizarding world. 

Severus scoffed. The letter basically said that some people from the Ministry screwed up and then they swept all under the rug. Not that he minded his dad was finally out of his life, but it steeled his resolve about wanting a change in the Wizarding world. 

And than the lunch scene, where he got a good look of Lily just as James lightly kissed her on the cheek. That made Severus's blood boil.

He wasn't the only one who noticed this display of affection. Actually, there were only a few who didn't. James was that popular guy who excels in sport and Lily was the smart beauty. Everyone at school knew who they were and the rumoured budding romance between them made them even more popular.

The rumour got confirmed and as you watched the scene, you felt terrible. You felt your face getting sour and tears prickling in your eyes. You were, after all, experiencing your very first heartbreak. 

As you turned to your left from the scene before you, trying to not get caught in your despair by Vistaria on your right, you noticed a tall dark figure with a billowing robe and black hair to leave the Great Hall abruptly.

In that very moment you had a strange epiphany. Your brain went through all the things from your first year quickly. Your interactions with Lily and Severus and the fight you witnessed between them. 

In the next moment you were up on your feet and out of the hall, trying to follow Severus. He was fast and you ran out just in time to see a glimpse of a robe behind one corner. 

You ran in that direction and saw his figure leaving. You quickly caught up to him and as once before you pulled him into a hug from behind. This time, though, you ran into him full force and your grip was like a vice.

It startled him so much he stopped dead in his tracks. His dark thoughts were interrupted by white shock. Until you spoke up.

"I'm so sorry."

You were saying it for both you and him. You tried to wrap your mind around how much pain he must be feeling. You were badly hurt too, but James was a crush of one year at most. For how long had Severus liked Lily? You knew from the beginning it was a lost cause. But Severus had to have his hopes higher since he knew her for so long. 

You felt a cold hand on your forearms which were still tightly gripping his waist.

"Y/N..." 

It was a quiet whisper and his voice broke on your name so painfully your tears couldn't have been held any longer.


	11. Chapter 11

Severus was lost for words, he was simply shaking from the overwhelming emotions he felt right then. 

He listened to your quiet sobs and in his mind, he pictured your snotty face and puffed eyes. The image lifted the corner of his mouth ever so slightly but wasn't enough to lift his spirit too.

You were standing like that for a long time but you had to separate eventually. After all, the lunchtime was quickly nearing its end. You were reluctant to let go of him but when you heard some distant voices, you knew your time together had to come to an end.

You let go of Severus and quickly swept your tears away as he was slowly turning around to look at you. At that moment you found the different shades of grey on the stone floor very fascinating. You didn't dare to look up, because you knew for a fact that your face was an ugly mess.

Severus basked in the warmth that seeped from you into his cold body. Though he felt very hot in the Great Hall, from anger undoubtedly, once he left the room, his body started to shake from the coldness he felt.

Your presence at the moment was very welcome. He found it not only comfortable but comforting even. Though he would never admit it out loud, of course, he was so glad, he almost started to cry too.

As you let go of him, he had the strangest urge to look at you. He wanted to confirm if his mind created a faithful image of your crying face. But there was more to it. He wanted to search your face for answers his mind was swirling with.

Why were you here? Why were you crying? Why do you care? What were you thinking right then? 

As he laid his eyes on you, face turned down, your hand fiddling with the hems of your sleeves nervously, he found you, for the lack of a better word, adorable. He pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to you without a word.

You excepted it gratefully and used it on your face. When you felt presentable enough, you wanted to return it but a memory popped up in your head and you just smiled softly.

"I guess you won't be wanting this back," you said as you looked into his eyes after a very long time. You could swear his black eyes were looking right into your soul. 

You never really stopped to notice Severus as a boy. Last year he was a friend to you, this year...well, you tended to study boys differently. 

You took in his pale face with black hair framing it. Thick black brows, deeply set pair of black eyes, hooked nose. There was no trace of facial hair, unlike some of his peers. You stopped on his thin lips. Not for long though. No. You didn't see Severus as anything other than a friend. One that you for some reason cared for deeply, but a friend nonetheless.

Severus was also studying you as if seeing you for the first time. There were some changes to you, he noted. Not that your appearance changed that much, though he noticed how you started to fill up in certain areas. It was more a general vibe you gave off. Like you lost a little of that naive girl who approached him last year and gained something... heavy.

Group of five people came from around the corner, he noticed. You didn't as you stood with you back to them. He grabbed your hand and lead you to the library. You were so surprised, you had no time to react other than go with him. 

As you entered the library, he took you to his place, the place where he told you, you weren't friends.

Your feet and whole body started to protest. You didn't want to go back there, you were avoiding that place like a plague. He was relentless, however.

When you two stood in the exact spot as last time he let go of your hand and turned.

"I'm sorry."

It was a simple apology but you understood. These words were pretty much the half of your conversations so far and when you realized that, you felt tired. Tired of being angry, of not talking, of saying you're sorry.

"Don't apologise, you were upset. Just like earlier today." 

You took a small step to him and took his left hand into your own hands. You pulled out his pinkie and joined it with yours.

"Let's stop doing things we have to feel sorry for."

Severus found the gesture so childish, yet what you said felt so right, so mature for your age. He just had to agree.

"Yeah, let's not feel sorry anymore."

Though his heart wasn't ready to give up his childhood love, his mind was set on keeping this promise. As was yours.


	12. Chapter 12

After the pinkie swear with Severus you were meeting in his library spot every day. With most of the Hogwarts students gone and no subjects to learn, you just enjoyed his solemn company while you tried to figure out your future.

"What is it you're studying all the time? you asked him three days before Christmas when you were sitting together and you got really frustrated with having no results at all.

"Different things each time," he said without looking up but his tone was wary. It piqued your interest.

"What things? you asked again an put aside your Divination book. You came closer to him and tried to look over his shoulder to see the contents of the book, but he slapped it close. His piercing eyes turned to you, anger brewing behind them.

"Just things," he said in a dangerous tone.

You nodded and sat down but you held his gaze the whole time.

"What's your favourite subject?" you tried to approach from a different angle. He sighed.

"What's with all this questioning?" he said defensively. You were a tad bit annoyed with his argumentative nature. Did he have to presume everyone out there wanted to insult or humiliate him?

"I'm just trying to figure out which subjects to take on next year," you huffed out. He studied you, trying to assess your motive. Your ulterior motive. He still wasn't able to comprehend why you were even talking to him. 

"I'll help you. But let me ask you this first. Why are you talking to me?" he asked after deciding to be upfront just once in his life. "What's your gain here?"

You were taken aback by those questions. 

"I want to be friends with you."

"Why?" he asked with irk in his voice and furrowed brows.

Why indeed. You had no idea really. You'd never thought about it until then.

"I guess... You were nice to me. That's how it started. Now...I feel like we have...some things in common." Like Lily. Like broken hearts.

"What things?" he really was relentless. You could see the determination to get answers in his eyes.

"I... Lily was my friend...until she suddenly wasn't. I don't really know what happened but last spring she started to completely ignore me for seemingly no reason at all. I don't understand it. And..." you debated if it's a good thing to tell him about your feelings. "I think you were heartbroken after seeing her with James." His face turned to a scowl. "I...well I also had a thing for him... I think. And when I saw you running out of the Great Hall the other day... I had to follow."

You felt proud of yourself for opening up to him so much. It wasn't a comfortable feeling baring yourself to someone but you did feel like you were connected to Severus.

He was trying to make sense of what you just told him. He wanted to laugh at you for having a crush on James. It also made him angry because James was a constant reminder of what he could never be and how life was unfair. He wanted to yell at you for favouring such a bully. He wanted to never speak with you for thinking that you were in the same position as him because of a silly crush.

Strangely, he wanted to comfort you, since he knew how hurtful it can be to lose a friend. He wanted to make you smile. He wanted your carefree, naive self come back. He wanted to apologize because he knew the reason Lily stopped talking to you was probably because of him. He...was so confused.

"Don't cry your eyes out too much for that jerk. He's not worth it," he said eventually. It was how he felt and it sounded sort of comforting.

You were startled when he finally spoke because he was staring at you uncomfortably while he was ruminating on what you told him.

His words were laced with poison for obvious reasons but also held some earnest hope you'll get over it soon. The boy in front of you was a real enigma.

"I remember when you and Lily argued...you called him a bully...?" it was a statement but you turned it into a question.

Severus broke the eye contact and shifted in his chair. You waited for him to say something but after a while of silence you pressed on.

"You were very angry at Daniel when he bullied me."

Severus's head snapped back to look at you.

"Potter, Black and their little gang of misfits made it their goal to make my life a hell on earth."

His eyes were blazing with some inner fire. You watched with fascination whenever his seemingly frail body held this expression. It was a contrast so daring you couldn't take your eyes off him.

"I'm s-" you stopped mid-sentence. No feelings of sorry. "I think you're in need of good friends."

"I have friends. Lily didn't approve of them much."

"But now you don't really have to take that into consideration, do you?" you said with a mischievous grin. You adored Lily but Severus was unnecessarily suffering because of his infatuation with her. He shouldn't beat himself up about things she doesn't like if she's not even speaking to him, right?

If you knew back then, what kind of friends you were supporting, you'd never have done it. Unfortunately, though you were a year older than last year, you were still a little naive girl and there were many things you didn't understand.


	13. Chapter 13

You enjoyed your Christmas time with Severus. He went through different subjects and courses with you and while learning about yourself, you also learned about him.

His passion for Dark Arts was blindingly obvious, but it helped him with DADA, as he pointed out. He was also exceedingly good in Potions. When you asked him why he was so interested in it, he told you his mother used to be a great Potion Mistress. To you question of what she was like he just took out a static photo of her. She was a women version of Severus.

Only after a week, you noticed there'd been one subject he never talks about. Muggle Studies. You wondered if he was, much like you own family, prejudiced towards them. 

"What do you think about Muggle Studies?" you asked him.

"You're not considering it, right?" he sounded surprised that you asked.

"Not really... I'm just curious why you don't talk about it."

"There's nothing interesting about them."

"I choose to disagree...though my parents definitely wouldn't support taking the class."

He was staring at you while nodding his head.

"Your parents don't like Muggles? Or Muggle-borns?"

"Well, they think, they are lowly. Muggles. Not sure what they think of Muggle-borns."

"Half-bloods?"

He was tense but you didn't notice. You were thinking about his questions.

"Not sure. There's a rumour going around that you-know-who is preparing for the last strike to eradicate all Muggle-borns and enslave Muggles."

"That's a lie! He just wants us to take our rightful place. We are superior to them both in class and power."

He got heated. You watched most curiously as he gestured wildly while explaining his point of view.

"I... don't know. I don't understand these things. What's so different between us and Muggles apart from the obvious? And Muggle-borns? They're wizards and witches just like us."

He quickly put a hand over my mouth as I finished the last sentence. His state got intense.

"Do you remember when I told you a friendship between Griffindor and Slytherin is hard to maintain?"

You nodded.

"Was I right?" 

After some consideration and memories of Lily, you carefully nodded again.

"Right. So please, believe me, never say anything like this near your Slytherin friends. Or your parents. Or in the Slytherin Common Room. It will only bring you trouble."

You nodded weekly, trying to understand the delicate politics Severus was hinting at.

_____

On Christmas Eve you were waiting in the Common Room from early morning. You got a present from your parents via owl post around 6 a.m. but you were far more excited about the gift you were holding in your hands.

Finally, you spotted the tall dark figure descending the stairs from the Boy's Dormitories. You quickly ran to the bottom of it to wait for Severus with a huge grin.

"Merry Christmas!" you said as you stretched your hands towards him with a small flat package.

He was staring in disbelief and with some doubt at the gift in your hands. He lifted his head to see you smile at him and encourage him to take it. 

"I don't have anything for you, though," he said with an uneasy feeling. Your smile slightly faltered, but you quickly shook your head.

"This one is long due, take it."

He carefully took the silver paper package and felt its featherlike weight. He never got a present from anyone other than Lily. His mind trailed to his mother and the one time she gave him a birthday present. Socks. He was seven and the great disappointment on his face got him a spiel from his mother about how ungrateful he is.

"Thank you," he said slowly and carefully took the gift. He felt awkward. You watched him with excitement.

"Well? Go on, open it! I mean, it's nothing much since it was last minute but I was happy with what my mother sent per my directions."

Severus felt strange for different reasons. You got him a present. Your mother bought it. Well, not that you had any other means to buy a present as a second year.

"Sev! Open it up! I'm jittery here! I want to know if you like it."

Your enthusiasm and childish behaviour made him smile, though he didn't miss how you used Lily's pet name for him. His long slender fingers started to tear into the paper with both precision and care. You watched the elegance of their movement and was mesmerized. How can someone who looks so clunky, have such sleek motions?

Severus was a little caught back when he extracted a black satin handkerchief.

"I know the use of this one isn't to blow your nose exactly, but it seemed like a fitting gift since you already gave me two."

He was lost for words, stunned with his mouth slightly apart.

"I..."

You wanted to wait for what he had to say but you were so excited about this you simply couldn't. You pulled out the handkerchief he gave you not even two weeks ago.

"Here, it's clean."

Severus almost said something like "you can have it" or "keep it" but why in Merlin's beard should he do it? He frowned at the grey cotton in his hand, which alarmed you a little.

"Oh, you want back the other one too?" you asked, though you didn't want to part from it. Severus shot his head up.

"No, keep it!" he hastily said when he saw you fidgeting nervously with the hem of your sleeve. The next moment he was facepalming himself inside his head. He sighed.

"I didn't buy you anything, so keep it."

Yeah, it was a good reason in his head. You beamed at him and gave him a quick and tight hug before running out for breakfast.


	14. Chapter 14

Sometimes you wished you knew what would happen before it happened. Or what people think. Any skill that would allow you to prevent the slow alienation between you and Severus. 

You weren't sure what exactly was the cause but after the winter festivities ended and Vistaria came back to your life, your regular meetings with Severus became irregular and at the end of March, you'd hardly seen him.

Not that you were the only one to blame...Severus had his share of cancelled meetings, ha had other more interesting plans with his other friends supposedly.

You felt somehow sad about the lost connection but you had other things to worry about. For instance, Vistaria's new boyfriend. 

You had met the guy shortly after Vistaria came back. He was definitely charming. Chestnut hair, dimpled smile, two years older, witty. There wasn't any particular reason to not like him and yet... You didn't.

It took you a week or two to figure out why is that. He sometimes gave you the most inappropriate side glances. And some things he was saying, in general, didn't sit with you well. 

The guy was an academic. His ambition was a dangerous thing though. He had no respect for human life it seemed which combined with the typical Slytherin hate of Muggles was a sinister thing. He seriously gave you creeps sometimes. 

"Y/N, c'mon, don't be a party-pooper. Jacob said it will be okay."

Vistaria was trying to persuade you for three days now to sneak out after the curfew with Jacob and his friends 'to see something amazing'. You didn't feel so good about it and you had a hard time to believe this amazing thing wouldn't disappoint you. But Vistaria was nagging you so much, you eventually succumbed. If nothing else, you could take good care of her.

The day D came and you were meeting in the Common Room five to midnight. When you and Vistaria came down, you saw three boys in a bunch, quietly but animatedly talking.

"What's going on?" Vistaria asked. Jacob turned to her and revealed a person in the middle of the bunch with a book in his hands. Severus was sitting in the black leather couch and he was angry...or at least annoyed. 

"Nothing, just this weirdo here. I don't want anyone to snitch on us."

Jacob said it quietly as he neared Vistaria to gave her a kiss but you heard him clearly and gave him one nasty glare. You turned back to Severus and he was frowning too, but not at Jacob, on you. He stood up.

He was intently staring at you, his mind running. There was a bad feeling in his gut this whole day. It made him restless and eventually he had to stay up until now. His intestines turned upside down from the thought you were a part of this bunch of rule-breakers. He hated people like these.

"I'm not gonna say anything...leave her with me to make sure," he said and pointed to you. You were not sure how to feel about that. You didn't want to go. But you didn't like how he took it upon himself to restrain you from it. Were you childish? Yes, yes you were. Did you mind though? Absolutely not!

"I won't be much of insurance. I'm youngest and I'm sure you could easily overpower me in a magic duel."

"That's true. Do you want to fool us?" Jacob accused Severus and raised his wand against him. At that moment you felt stupid for your nonsensical resistance. What if this escalated into an actual fight? 

Severus was taken aback by your reasonable argument but he was angry as much as he was impressed. When that arrogant dunderhead Jacob took his wand out he wasn't even in the right mind to react.

"She's staying," he said through gritted teeth. The other two boys also prepared for a fight, while Severus was only piercing you with a glare.

"Okay, okay! No need to make this a bigger thing than it is. I'll stay," you said almost breathlessly, looking at Severus's shaking body.


	15. Chapter 15

"Hey, guys, it's okay," you tried to convince everyone to take a breath and calm down. "Just make sure she won't get in trouble," you directed the words towards Jacob and gave Vistaria a week smile.

She was upset. Though she knew a little something about you and Severus being friends, she felt like she had a right to be with you and he was stealing you away from her. You saw her distress and anger, so you decided to give her a hug.

"Be careful out there, I don't want to spend my evenings with books because you are in detention."

"No problem,"

The whole group was leaving and only when you saw the door shut behind them, you turned to Severus. You thought you'd give him a piece of your mind but when you saw his face, you knew he was still fuming. You weren't sure if it made you more furious or a little scared. You crossed your arms and frowned.

"What?!" you barked at him. "I should be the angry one here."

Severus was either too young or too old to deal with this. An angry early teenage girl was simply out of his expertise, which didn't change the fact, his temper was also rising. 

"You," he said slowly, again through gritted teeth. "You should be thanking me. Do you have any idea how stupid this is?! What were you even going to do, hm?!" He was almost screaming. Why did he get so worked up about this again? He sighed and slumped his slender body into the couch. He felt too tired to fight anymore. 

You noticed this change of posture but it didn't completely deflate your anger. Was he serious right now? And why were his arguments always so damn good? Can't a girl be angry at least once?! You were fighting this inner battle until you noticed a strange sound. Snoring. Severus fell asleep. He must have been dead tired to be out so quickly. It did occur to you, that you had a clear path to go to Vistaria and others but who were you kidding? You'd rather stay in the comfort of your bed than run around the Castle to see that super amazing thing.

"Sevy...hey... you need to get to your bed, you can't sleep here," you nudged him and tried to wake him up. He was still, only his chest rising up and down, no indication he should wake up any time soon. You were watching him sleep and then as if you were on autopilot, you reached your hand to his cheek. You were surprised at how warm he was. You only ever brushed fingers with him and they were always ice-cold. A strand of hair was trying to cover his face as if it was trained to do it even when Severus was sleeping, so you gently moved it away. It didn't escape your notice how he always tried to hang his head low, so his face was hidden by the curtain of black hair. Did he think himself so ugly? Though he'd never strike you as a lady-killer type, there was no need to hide. So his nose was a little bigger and crooked. It looked aristocratic, you decided. And his thick brows simply underlined the depth of his black eyes. His slick hair... no there was probably no excuse for that, but it gave him that nerdy air. You chuckled.

"Y/N?" Severus said before he opened his eyes. You still had a hand on his face and it took a lot of effort and self-conscience to not get startled and pull back slowly instead.

"Hey, there, sleeping beauty. You should go to bed or you'll regret it in the morning." He got up slowly and you stood up and took a step back to give him and you some space.

"You know sleeping beauty?" he asked incredulously, his mind still hazy from the short nap. His confusion made you chuckle again. 

"Why shouldn't I? Maleficent is an exceptional witch, she was my role model when I was young," you replied.

"I guess your version is probably different from the Muggle one," he mused and ran a hand through his hair. You found that motion fascinating. It looks sexy in general but with Severus, who always tend to hide, it got an extra meaning. He felt comfortable around you.


	16. Chapter 16

Severus had no idea what was going on for a while, which felt strange. He rarely ever had a problem with waking up before, but as his hazy memories came back he traced down the cause. Relief. He was so tense until he got his frustrations out until he made you stay. He felt that way a handful of times before, usually after a fight with his mother or father or... Lily. It always felt so liberating to let go of the pent up anger and frustration. It was a far worse feeling dealing with the consequences of such outbursts.

"I'm really tired, squirt, but this isn't the end of our previous conversation."

You nodded seriously at that. No, this wasn't the end. You still had your share to say.

"Tomorrow, the library... after the fifth period?"

"I have Charms, after the sixth."

"Deal. Be there this time, Sevy," you said more affectionately than angrily. You did miss him.

"Right back at you. Good night, squirt."

The nickname didn't feel as a sneer like it did before. It felt like a small secret between you two, an inside joke. The way he said it this time felt more like an adoration. Or were you just imagining things? Did your mind mix up wishes with reality? One thing was clear one way or another, you didn't want to lose Severus' friendship and you didn't want to ignore it either. You'd have to be more active and not let it die out this time.

"Good night."

_____

Although Severus woke up only after five hours of sleep he felt great. Unlike the day before he felt rested and somehow at peace. 

The whole day was dragging. He was on edge and couldn't focus on the respective lectures and studies. He was anxious to finally talk to you. It was a different anxious from the way he felt when he read the letters from the Ministry or the one from his mother. 

And then he saw you in the Commons, planning to do something stupid and most likely dangerous. As if he wasn't troubled enough. He got angry only thinking of it.

When the school finally ended, he made a beeline to the Library to find you. You were already waiting at his spot.

You knew it wouldn't be exactly a nice chitchat but you had to get past this if you wanted your relationship to continue.

"Hey," you said and tried to look friendly and inviting. He nodded at you silently but that was a good enough reaction as far as he's concerned.

You tried to think about how to start but before you could say anything he sat down on the chair opposite you and started.

"So what exactly were you trying to do yesterday?" he asked and you thought his tone to be a little harsher than usual.

"We were supposed to go see something. I was looking out for Vistaria."

"What?"

"Excuse me?" you asked, slightly confused about what he's asking about. His jaw clenched. 

"What were you going to see?"

"No idea."

Severus took a deep breath.

"So you basically wanted to go against the school rules and you have no idea why?" He almost took his things and left to not make a scene in the Library.

"Well... I know now."

He just raised one eyebrow.

"I can't tell you. Jacob... He's concerned about you. Vistaria told me this morning that he seems to feel really uncomfortable around you."

"I guess the fact he can't read me can be annoying for someone who's used to probe others' minds to their liking."

"What?"

"He's quite a skilled Legilimens. Apart from Dumbledore, it's been some time since I sensed such a pull to my defences."

Your mind tried to work through this new information. Jacob was a Legilimens? You found that disturbing. Especially since you didn't have the best opinion about him.

"So... He can read my mind..."

Without anything else to say, Severus continued. 

"Be careful around him, he's an idiot who's going to get himself expelled one of these days."

You nodded. There was no fight in you. You wanted to get across the feeling of desperation and frustration you felt the other night but what eventually came out of you was something completely different.

"Why were you even there? Are you always awake this late at night?"

Severus looked into your eyes and yet again he wished he too was skilled in the art of Legilimency. He made a mental note to really start practising it.

"I couldn't sleep." You waited for some deeper explanation. And you waited. Just looking back at him until he gave in to your passive-aggressive behaviour.

"I had a rough few days. My mother... She wrote me a letter two days ago, practically saying she's kicking me out of the house."

You felt a coldness run through your body at his words. Goosebumps appeared on your whole body and your mouth fell slightly agape.

"She did what?!"


	17. Chapter 17

Severus wasn't very keen on talking about his family. It was a subject he generally tried to avoid as much as possible. Lily would never understand the harshness he was raised with. Though her sister hated her, her parents were very loving and proud of her, at least that's what Petunia was always complaining about. With other Slytherins, he was always afraid to disclose any details about his half-blood heritage. So it was no wonder he didn't dwell on the topic too much with you and tried to move on.

Though you sensed his efforts to move in the conversation, you couldn't do it so easily. Your parents were normal. Like, they were gone all the time, doing who knows what - working they say, but there were no harsh feelings. They were very supportive as long as you stayed away from Muggle stuff and since that never interested you much, you never cared enough to oppose them.

"How? Why?" 

"You still think about my mum?" he asked, obviously irritated.

"I can't help it! You cannot expect me to be okay after landing such a bomb on me... what about your father? Doesn't he oppose?" you asked carefully. He didn't have to be around, he could have died... From the expression on Severus' face, it was a sensitive topic indeed.

"He's obliviated."

There was no remorse behind that sentence but you couldn't be sure if it was just masterfully hidden by the indifference in his voice or if it was genuine. Both cases made you shiver.

"He's a Muggle," you whispered, suddenly realising where the cautious air, Severus always seemed to carry around himself, came from. Many, far too many Slytherins would judge him based on that information. Many probably did. It would explain, why he always seemed to be alone, whenever you accidentally bumped into him. If he wasn't with Lily, that is. 

Severus was waiting patiently for what's about to happen next, for you to say something, or not and just go away. He wouldn't be surprised by that. But the feeling that particular thought evoked in him, caught him off guard. Anger. Much like the previous night. 

"Are you angry with him?" you asked when you noticed him clenching his jaws. It raised many questions in your head, like, how was he raised up, or what did he look like when younger.

Meanwhile, Severus was relieved and honestly surprised. He really sort of thought you'd go away. He thought you too good and innocent to really stop talking to him, but he expected you to make some space, think about it. Or maybe you would politely say you couldn't be friends because your parents wouldn't approve. He knew he was irrational. You told him your parents never openly expressed hate for half-bloods. Was he getting stupid or what?

"Not angry... just disgusted," he said when he finally took his mind back to your question.

"Do you hate Muggles?" you asked. "Or just him in particular?" you added as a whisper. Could this be purely personal? Severus stopped to think about that. 

"I only met few and only two, who knew about our world. Both of them were hateful, spiteful human beings. A jealous sister and an abusive father." His words were so out of this world for you. Only at this moment did you start to appreciate your sheltered life. All those things which were so common to you, so mundane. Were you thankful enough for all this? Did you genuinely appreciate it?

"You have a sister?" you tried to ask over the lump in your throat and tried to forget the mention of an 'abusive' father.

"Lily has," he answered neutrally and sort of emptily. His voice turned that way whenever he spoke of Lily. The loss of her was still very vivid for him. How ridiculous your own crush on James seemed now. You were jealous, you wanted to have something to say, when girls talk at night, you definitely fancied him. But you got over him so easily. Who were you to ever compare your feelings to Severus'. You felt so stupid, so shameful. You cleared your throat and your negative thoughts.

"Right, I think I heard something from her about that," you said nonchalantly. You were a terrible liar, you knew, and you couldn't hide your feeling well. Unlike most of the Slytherins. Not many people outside the house knew because Slytherins let out _some_ of their feelings, those they didn't have to hide. Like anger. Frustration. Smugness. Wicked joy. And those feelings, being the only ones they could get out, were only amplified by those they repressed. Sure, there were bad, and even some downright evil people in Slytherin. Not as many as others thought though. You noticed this early on. You and Vistaria were rarities, exceptions. Bright and laughing. One to oppose her parents and one because she hadn't known any troubles in her life. 

Severus never cared to learn Legilimency before. One of the reasons why, was because from his early childhood, long before his magic profanity showed, he learned to read people. Their movements, the smallest reactions, they themselves didn't even know about. He always knew a second before his father even moved, he went for a punch. He knew the exact moment his mother seemingly left her own body to float somewhere far away as if the things of this world didn't concern her. And right now he knew with a scary certainty, that you had a problem. He had no idea what it was, other than the fact it concerned Lily because the moment he said her name, right before you breathed in a little deeper, your nostrils twitched. 

His first deduction led him to an unpleasant topic. How you and Lily grew apart.

"Yeah, about that," he stopped and thought himself a masochist telling you right after he was so relieved you didn't run because of his father. "I'm sorry. I think I'm the reason Lily doesn't speak to you."

This information confused you so much. Like you had a mind to think about Lily and her reason for 'breaking up' with you when he was confiding in you about his personal stuff. But you asked anyway: "How so?" 

There was a long pause, in which Severus tilted his head down in shame and took a few encouraging breaths.

"I called her..." he gulped,"I called her a Mudblood."

Time seemingly stilled for both of you. He was drowning in regret and guilt and shame and also fear. You were just... stunned. Your mind went blank and you couldn't really think about anything but you knew you needed more.

"Why?"

Severus snapped his head up to look at you. Why? That's what you want to know? That's what you say to him? Why?

"I-" he stopped before he could say something he would regret later again. "I lost control over my anger," he said truthfully but left out the reason for his anger. Though he wanted to blame James entirely for what happened, and though he was angry he got the girl, he knew that there was a fault in him too. He took out his anger on Lily. Lily who just wanted to help. Lily who tried to stop James. But because Severus was too proud, too angry and too out of control, he did the unforgivable. 

You still tried to pry out more. 

"Why?" Severus frowned and you got out of your inner trans. "Why were you angry? I want the full story."

And after some hesitation, he told you. 


	18. Chapter 18

There weren't many things that could put Severus in good mood. Much less make him happy. When he thought about it, he couldn't remember a time he'd been happy. He didn't know happy. He just knew the infatuation, admiration, absolute adoration he had and till this day still has for Lily, but happy? Was he happy? Because even with her he always felt something bad, something dark, lurking behind. His fear of rejection, for starters. His jealousy. Now that he thinks about it, his feeling of not being good enough was the main antagonist of his life. 

After he told you what happened that day he sealed the end of his friendship with Lily, a wave of calmness he had never felt before washed over him. The reason was simple, really. He told you everything. He wasn't a liar exactly, but he was good at... omission, leaving things out, half-truths. He went with them his whole life and no one ever questioned it, maybe except Dumbledore, who had a way to be extremely annoying with it. To you, however, he had to and wanted to say everything. And it was so liberating.

You were glad he told you about that day. You thought it was great that you got his part of the story. And yet... the smallest part of you couldn't help itself. You blamed him for your ruined friendship with Lily. Not as much as you blamed Lily of course, but that almost insignificant nagging part was there nonetheless and you couldn't get rid off it. You scoffed at yourself.

"Can you believe me? There's a tiny part of me that blames you for me and Lily falling apart," you laughed at yourself with a dry, humourless laugh.

Severus believed it. He believed it very much.

"I understand that," he said with some resolution. You frowned.

"No, you don't. Sevy, you don't deserve this. All of this. You may not be everyone's favourite or the easiest person to get along with, but you are good. I think I said it once before, and I stand behind it."

You knew he could be difficult but was it really his fault? Can you blame someone who grew up without love for being socially awkward sometimes?

Severus was trying half of his life to persuade Lily he was a good person. That his likes and friends didn't define him as a bad person. Now that he heard you say it to him, he had a hard time believing it. He didn't feel like a good person.

"I'm damaged," he said, his head hung low again. It got you so riled up, you stood up and went over to him to give him a hug. You tried to convey your friendly affections to him and make him feel better.

"That doesn't make you bad," you whispered to his ear intimately as if it was some secret.

"But it doesn't make me good either," he whispered back and as his hot breath ran past your ear you suddenly became very aware of how close you two were. you let him go to look at him. "I think you pity me so much you want to see good where there's none," he added with a sad smile.

"And I think you have a hard time accepting, that someone could actually like you... and I do, I really do. You are my favourite person. Maybe not a best friend I can tell anything to and maybe not the one I can always depend on given our off-and-on relationship. But I do like you and there's something about you-"

"The despair?"

You smacked him on the back and frowned but then you saw the corner of his mouth twitch in a smile and you understood he's teasing you. 

"I'm serious here," you said with a smile you couldn't keep from your face. "I want to know more. About you and Lily. About your mum and dad. Your life."

"But why?" he asked almost incredulously. It took a single beat of your heart to know the answer to that.

"Because I love you," you said and gave him the biggest grin. 

"What?" he asked, though he thought for a while his soul would leave his body for good.

"What 'what'? I told you, you're my favourite person."

"You said you liked me."

"Potato, potahto. You-"

"No, stop right there. Love and like is _not_ 'potato, potahto'. Like is like... lukewarm. Love is like hellfire-kind-of hot"

You giggled at that comparison. Not many people would find Severus funny, but when you got him talking he had some joking bones in him.

"Okay, okay. You're right. But it's true anyway. I love talking to you and I love spending time with you."

Severus was shocked. He hadn't got much love from his parents and when he tried to pursue a romantic love with Lily, he totally blew it off. It never occurred to him to try for this kind of love, whatever this was, but it felt warm and welcoming. He didn't feel ready for such big words coming out of his mouth, but he gave you a genuine smile. He was, dare he say it, happy.

"I would really like to spend more time with you too," he said eventually, feeling like they're the truest words he could offer right then since love wasn't an easy subject to talk about for him. 

Though the words weren't exactly the best answer, you felt the honesty behind them and it warmed your heart that you could probably develop a steady and strong friendship on them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I know that everyone dies to see them together (me included), but this love is definitely a friend-love not a romantic-love as of yet. I'd like to remind you all that reader is late twelve and Severus early seventeen at this point. (Severus is in January if I remember correctly, 9th I think, while our reader is in May.) Thanks to that I would deem a confession of romantic love as a little inappropriate and strange, though I don't say the feelings won't get there early. Just that open discussion about them, given their respective age AND the age gap, would feel weird to me. That's all from me for this chapter and hope you enjoyed it 😉


	19. Chapter 19

Severus felt strange. In his life he wasn't shown much good, but since he met you, small rays of sunshine shined through the dark clouds. 

In those calm moments when he studied in the Library with you by his side, he felt like his world, his harsh difficult world, stopped. And instead your world of calmness and temperate but steady happiness started to run in his life too. Almost like a movie, he thought. And just like a movie, those moments also had to come to an end.

He was hesitant to leave whenever the old librarian came to warn you two about the nearing curfew. He always felt a little uneasy when you parted ways in the Common Room.

Because when you were gone, he had to go back to his dark world. He had to think about where he's going to live. About his parents. About the Ministry, which was on his case for far too long.

His supposed punishment for using magic out of school while underage, was luckily not an expulsion from Hogwarts as there were extenuating circumstances. He had to leave his wand in Hogwarts this summer and come to the Ministry for some 'reeducation'. It sounded like a nightmare full of brainwashing.

You were happy with your current relationship with Severus and since he was no longer the most problematic friend, you shifted your focus on Vistaria. You noticed her sneak out of the dorm a few times but you weren't brave enough to bring the subject out with her. There was no doubt in your mind about who was behind it. 

And so as your friendship with Severus grew, the one with Vistaria started to falter behind. So much so, she completely forgot about your birthday. 

You were offended first, then angry and eventually frustrated. Why was maintaining relationships so hard? Was it you? Or did you just have a knack for the difficult people?

"What is it, squirt?" Severus asked you. He noticed you were a little out of it when you two met earlier but let it slide off. But then he noticed you haven't turned your page for a while and when he looked up from his book to watch you, he realized you eyes aren't even moving. You were just staring beyond the pages and what was on them.

You snapped out of your train of thought and looked at him

"It's nothing."

Severus tried to asses the situation. He thought it best to not push you, though it helped him a lot when he was in your position and you were questioning him.

"Okay," he said and went back to his book. You didn't expect that. Most of the girls, not that you talked with that many, had a habit to try and pry the information away from you but not Severus. He gave your space to let you come to him.

There were many things different in your friendship with Severus and you often wondered if it's just because he's a boy or if it's that he's so unique and odd.

The thought made you smile and you closed your Charms book with a thud to look at the boy before you.

The other night you were talking with the girls in your room, the usual topic. One of them, short Indian girl called Kirtida, brought up how she saw you enter the Library with an older boy and how you disappeared between the bookshelves.

All the girls gave you a hard time about it even though you tried to explain it wasn't 'like that' and you and Severus were friends.

You were brought back to present by Severus shifting in his seat. That was strange. The guy could read the whole afternoon not moving a single toe and you suspected him to cast some spell on himself to not blink. Only his eyes were darting from left to right in different speed each time. 

"You're staring," his voice broke into the bubble of your own little world. You were shameless squirt as he would say so your answer was: "Am I? Hadn't noticed. Was too busy looking at you."

You gave him a huge grin and he rolled his eyes.

"Cheeky. And cheesy. I thought idiotic sentences like 'Was too busy looking at you' was a male specialty but as usually you prove me wrong."

There were too many things in that statement you wanted to address. Your jumbled mind tried to pick out one of them to react quickly but Severus beat you to it.

"We should go, you're not in the study mood today anyway. Courtyard. Come."

He picked up his stuff quickly and only your body was able to keep up with him. Your mind still elsewhere.


	20. Chapter 20

Severus could count the number of times he felt guilty in his life on one hand. This day was definitely one of them. 

From the moment he decided to leave you be in the Library when you didn't want to talk about what was going on with you, he tried to read your mind through Legillimency, which he studied intently this past month.

He was mostly successful but he found it to be a Damocles' sword. He could read you quite well since there were no barriers, no resistance from you. But at the same time, he wasn't himself and he found out you could read him well enough without Legillimency to know something's amiss. 

When you thought about how he shifted right after he read your thoughts on the teasing you underwent from the girls about him, he realised that while he was reading you, he was exposing himself. 

You were too young to know what was going on. To think it a Legillimency but even then you noticed something odd about him.

There was one good outcome from him reading your mind. He found out about your birthday. Since Christmas, he felt bad about not giving you a proper gift and so he bought you a sort of thank you gift. But he hadn't had a chance to give it to you and after some time passed, it seemed like it was too late. 

It was a simple thing really. A wooden beads bracelet, he later on enchanted to give you some sort of protection from the Legillimency. He thought it a great gift to protect your mind from that little dunderhead Jacob but after the Library stunt he pulled on you and the guilt he felt afterwards, he was glad it would protect you from him too. At least to some degree.

As you both headed out, he made a toilet excuse to Accio the gift from his room and then led you out to 'his' tree where you two first met.

You recognized the place immediately. It painted a smile on your face. Severus put his bag down and turned to you with the small package in his hand.

"Here. Happy Birthday," he said and you stood shocked. Severus had a gift for you? He knew the date of your birthday.

"How-" you started but even without the Legillimency, Severus knew what you were to ask and intercepted.

"Take it. I hope it will cheer you up a bit," he said quickly without even realising how true the words were. He did hope it would cheer you up. You took the gift from him and after a quick inspection, you found out the general shape. You got excited and tore the paper open. The wooden beads were painted light grey and off-white which mingled together created an illusion of silver colour. It was lovely and you quickly tried to put it around your hand but since it wasn't a rubber band but a bracelet with a clasp, you had a hard time closing it with just one hand.

"Could you?" you said after a few abortive attempts. Severus never knew giving someone a gift could be such an exhilarating experience, especially when he saw your own joy. He took the bracelet from you and closed it around your left wrist. 

"There you go," he said with well-masked happiness. You didn't try to hide anything, you beamed and studied your wrist with the gift on it from all the different angles and ranges.

"I love it, Sev! It's great!" you said and almost jumped at him to give him a hug. Your joy faded in an instant though. You carefully let him go and hung your head down. Severus was still in shock from the hug which almost managed to knock him down with the impact force. But he changed your quick change of behaviour.

"What is it?" he asked carefully.

"I didn't give you anything," you said unhappily and looked at him sadly. Severus bulged his eyes out, which was a sight so comical on his face you had to chuckle. That confused him even further.

"What?" he asked.

"You look so funny right now. I don't think I've ever seen you this surprised or uncomprehending." He was slightly offended by that and frowned. "There, that's the Severus I know," you said with a smile on your face which was quickly changed by a serious expression. "But back to my concerns. I don't even know your birthday."

Severus never cared about birthdays in general but it was a nice feeling someone wanted to know for a future reference. It only increased his guilt about reading it out of your mind instead of asking you.

"January. 9th." 

"What? So soon after Christmas? That's unfortunate."

"Why?" he asked with mild curiosity. You opened your mouth to say that his parents probably cheated his birthday presents due to the close date to Christmas Eve but his family situation entered your mind soon enough. You closed your mouth.

"Never mind. From now on you'll get presents from me," you said. You spent a pleasant spring day out. Although Severus never really stopped studying, instead of reading a book, he tried to teach you. It was both fun and interesting, his wide knowledge beyond the mandatory stuff really impressed you. After that day you view him differently. He gained even more of your respect and you started to value him not only as a friend but as a person too. You started to admire him.


	21. Chapter 21

As the end of the school year was nearing and the exams with it, you grew more anxious. Severus felt pretty much the same as you, though in his case, it wasn't due to the exams. The nearing summer and his homelessness were the cause. He even went as far as to consult Dumbledore, he was that desperate.

You were still meeting up in the Library but the conversations were empty, as you both had other things on your mind. One day, you finally had enough of the constant worrying.

"Sev, let's go something fun," you told him quietly, though there were near no people in this part of the Library. He raised one quizzical brow at you. "Oh, come on! I've had just about enough of this 'depression and distress club'. Stop your brooding and let's have fun, we deserve it, we need it," you whined. "I need it," you added with a quieter and more pleading voice. Severus found himself incapable of refusing that plea for rescue. 

"What do you have in mind?" he asked and you tried to think about it. What indeed. 

"How about we play something? Wizarding Chess? Oh! I know! How about Gobstones! I played them as a girl with my father, he used to be in the club here at Hogwarts while it was still administered."

Severus was a little surprised by that and also amused by how you used the phrase 'as a girl'. "Are you not a girl anymore?" he asked with a teasing undertone. You gave him a pointed look. 

"You nitpick, okay, as a little girl, happy?" 

"No difference there, you're still a little girl," he was making fun of you and even lightly chuckled as you punched him in his arm. You never saw him so carefree and teasing. It was a sudden change to his broodiness he manifested not even five minutes ago. You pouted but at the same time, you were glad that his mood changed a bit.

"Not funny, Sev," you said with mild irritation.

"I beg to differ. Anyway, I don't want to play Gobstones. My mother took care of my distaste for them. She was a captain of the aforementioned club while a student here and she used to beat me in it mercilessly when I was a kid," he said with a bitter undertone. You smirked. Your time now.

"Oh, so you chicken-out of the game with me because you're afraid to lose?" you asked provocatively. He frowned.

"Your a hundred years too young to push me into playing Gobstones, no matter what foul technique you'll use."

"Ugh! You're no fun!" you groaned but he just smirked at you, silently telling you that your efforts to make him feel guilty won't work either. "Okay, so Chess?" you asked eventually. He gave it some thought.

"How about a walk?" he asked. Your mouth fell.

"You? On a walk? Willingly? I thought you were keeping your complexion pale to maintain that overall unhealthy look you aim for," you said with a fake shock. He just rolled his eyes.

"Very funny."

"I am, I know."

"Listen, squirt, I think I liked you better as an innocent little girl. You're turning into a devious minx," he said, mildly annoyed. You batted your eyelashes at him innocently.

"An here I thought you saw no difference between the little girl me and me right now," you said sweetly. He frowned at you as you bested him with his own words. You had to laugh at his conflicted expression. 

You went out to have a few more laughs, walking around the grounds. It turned out, you both indeed needed this little stress relief.

____

The next day, your world came back to depression and despair. The news from the outside world didn't help either. He-who-must-not-be-named was more daring with each month and as of lately he started to target not only Muggles but even Muggle-borns and those he and his followers referred to as 'Blood-traitors', which were basically Muggle sympathisers and Witches or Wizards who 'bred' with Muggles. The situation was so dire even someone like you who never read any newspaper got conscious about it. 

You saw the tension in the school growing. The teachers were more irritable, the students both afraid and more hostile. The latter was especially true for the Slytherin students, some of whom expressed joy in what was happening. One of them was surprisingly Severus. 

On a few occasions you two talked about stuff like this, he seemed to sympathize greatly with the Dark Wizard and his claimed desire to change the way of things. Severus expressed the ridiculousness with which his case of underage sorcery was handled and how the system was failing. Thus far you could agree, though you didn't know much about those things. But when he was blindly overlooking the killings, no, murders, with a phrase 'for a great change to happen, one must expect some casualties' or 'it's a necessary sacrifice', you started to worry. 

At least one of the worries was partly dealt with. Looks like one of Severus' friends offered a shelter fro him for a month when his parents won't be home. It wasn't a whole summer plan but it was something and it made Severus a little less worried about his future. When he told you about it, you were happy for him, though you still couldn't comprehend how he even got into a situation like this. Were there no repercussions for abandoning an underage child? For kicking him out of the house?

The whole incident gave you an idea. You wrote home to your parents. You asked your mother, who worked at Ministry if there really was no law against what was going on with Severus. And in a daring brave moment, you tried to ask your parents if it would be okay for a friend to stay over during summer. Let's say for the whole of August. 


	22. Chapter 22

The last week in Hogwarts was there and you were both overjoyed with the end of the exam period and saddened with your departure. You tried to make the most of your remaining time. 

Though you and Vistaria grew apart, you spent a whole day locked up with her, Kirtida and the other occupant of your room, Lavender Greengrass, chatting, gossiping and reminiscing about the passed year. 

Severus had other matters on hand. Dumbledore called him to his office. He wasn't exactly happy about it. Though he still had nowhere to live during August, Mulciber provided a roof above his head for a month. Severus was seriously considering to go back home after that and deal with his mother up front. 

"Headmaster," he said as he enter the big round office. He wasn't in there too often but he felt it was more familiar than he would like.

"Ah, yes, Mr. Snape. Come in."

Severus entered and as always felt the push and pull against his mind defences. Why was the old man trying so much every damn time?

Severus let that one thought slip obviously because Dumbledore chuckled and his offence on Severus' mind stopped. Well, relented.

"I've spoken to the Ministry. In this dire time, I have to admit, they are a little less efficient in anything which doesn't concern Voldemort and his followers."

Severus let his mouth fall at the mention of the Dark Wizard's name. He shook his surprise hastily.

"And?" he asked the headmaster. Dumbledore was watching him intently and Severus had a hard time to not twitch under his scrutiny.

"Well, your mother agreed to let you live in your house. She, however, doesn't wish to live there with you."

Severus took a moment to take it in. Did his mother hate him so much she didn't want to live with him? Was his scum of a father the only thing that kept her in the house?

Severus couldn't wrap his head around it. He didn't get it no matter how hard he tried to understand. 

"Severus, you won't be protected in that house alone-"

"I'm of age now, I can protect myself," he said sternly and definitely. Dumbledore nodded his head.

"Very well, you may be on your way."

"Thank you, sir."

Severus turned quickly and strode out of the office, his jaw tight, his fists clenched. He was furious. 

He went to the Library to do to his place. He knew it would be unoccupied since you were having a girl time and he desperately needed to be alone.

____

You had a great time. Normally you weren't much for the gossipy girly talk but maybe you wouldn't mind having a girl time once in a while. 

The Great Hall during dinner was full of laughter and animated conversation. Everyone was excited and jittery at the end of the year. You even saw some shed tears. Older girls usually, probably seventh years. 

You stopped just as you were about to sit down to look along the Slytherin table. You tried to spot Severus. Next year around this time, he would too be leaving. The thought made you uneasy. 

"Can't find your older lover?" Kirtida teased you. She was really into the made up romance between you and Severus. She was adamant that you two had a thing for each other and couldn't be persuaded otherwise. 

"My friend. I can't find my _friend_ ," you said with an emphasis on friend as many times before that day. 

"Yeah, you can keep telling yourself that. Why the long face than?"

You sighed and sat down, finally giving up your search for him.

"I just realized that next year is his last. I'll be here for another four years while he'll be out in the world doing who knows what-"

"With who knows whom," Kirtida finished for you and you gave her a nasty glare.

"Not the point. We won't see each other, he'll forget about me. We had some hardships while staying together in the school, it would be only a matter of time when he's gone for good."

Vistaria gave you a sympathetic look, Lavender was as passive as always when the theme wasn't to her liking or she didn't have anything to say. 

"Well, that's easy, girl, just make him never forget you," Kirtida said while lifting her brows at you. You couldn't stop the burst of laughter which followed that statement. 

"I mean, seriously, Kir, what are you thinking?!" you said in between laughter. That was simply the most ridiculous thing you heard. 

"What?! Don't be shy, I know you want him to stay with you," she tried to push you. You stopped laughing. Well, she was right about that.

"Not a chance," you said and shook your head. "He's not thinking about me like that."

Kirtida grinned. "But _you_ think about _him_ like that," she said and this time there was an annoying certainty behind those words. 

"No," you said after a short pause. "You're just trying to make me think that so you can say 'I told you so'. That's all," you said with a smile. "Moreover, he loves his childhood friend. Like everlastingly. Always and forever," you said with some added drama. You still smiled at the end of your little speech but those words made you feel even worse than before and your previous good mood soured for the rest of the evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, we're slowly getting there and I'm super hyped up about it!!! 🤩 enjoy the sweet stuff and our slow falling in love 🥰 ...while you still can 😈  
> No but seriously. Severus is going into his last year and you know what that means. And I know you know it. So like let be still our hearts and let's prepare for the inevitable. 🤞😣🤞  
> Oh and I apologize in advance if I won't be able to add another chapter tomorrow. Visiting in-laws, uncle's b-day party, have to go vote in elections... it's gonna be a busy day which is why you have two chapters today 😉


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been written in haste this one and since I had no time for re-read, there'll be most probably some mistakes so bear with it please, I'll try to correct them tomorrow 😉

The next day, you were woken up by the sound of flapping wings. You opened your eyes to see Nox, your owl, with a letter.

You opened it up and quickly scanned your mother's writing. To answer your question about a youngster being kicked out of his house, it was definitely against law. But unfortunately since Severus was of age, there was no protection for him. As for the plea for him to stay...your mother allowed a week but she didn't feel like having a stranger stay for a month. 

The news were rather bad than good but the week could help Severus, right? Maybe some other friends would be willing to let him stay and he would be okay eventually. 

When you went into the Great Hall for breakfast, you were looking for him much like last evening. You came in along the first students and alone, since girls wanted to sleep in while you didn't want to miss Severus.

It took about five minutes for him to appear, grab an apple from the end of the table and turn to leave. You considered yourself lucky to even notice him, that's how quick he was. You stood up and went after him.

You caught up with him at the top of the stairs to the dungeons. He was really hasty but as you tried to reach out and grab him, you stepped on his billowing cloak. 

Severus saw you at the breakfast and even heard you trying to chase him. He knew you were supposed to meet this day. Yet, the revelation of the other day left him shook and he was in no mood for anyone. Much less someone as happy-go-lucky as you. 

When he felt the pull on his robes he stopped in his abrupt movement and turned to scold you just in time to see you falling backwards as your foot was swooped by Severus' tug on his robes.

Without thinking much he stretched his hand out and you took it in response. Unlike in movies, people are made to not fall down so easily. Even though Severus was no athlete he put his legs apart to stabilise himself and you put your leg back to not fall. Unlike in movies, when some catches someone else, they rarely end up in a tight hug. It's more like you hold each other's arms on odd places - where your hands reach in that short moment when you were trying to not fall and his tried to catch you. Also your legs were in strange parted positions which looked comical.

Even with all this considered, the fact that you were tightly holding onto each others arms was making your heart beat faster. Or was it the adrenaline from the near fall?

"Thanks," you said and let go of him. Severus was still in shock. His head was trying to tell his hands to release you but his body wasn't reacting for a moment before he also let go of you.

"Be a little more careful, will you?!" he said angrily. You just nodded your head though you thought you didn't deserve the scolding. You frowned.

"And you stop running aways from me. You knew I was coming after you," you accused him with no real malice in your voice.

He took a deep breath to clear his mind off his mother and tried to focus on you. His eyes were piercing right into your soul and you felt weirdly exposed.

"I just wanted to tell you, my mum agreed for you to stay with us for a week," you said with a smile and hoped it would cheer him up. It didn't. It did the opposite. He clenched his jaw and looked away from you.

"No need anymore, my mum left me the house," he said and though his tone suggested like it was the most boring stuff to talk about, you already knew that it was just his way to cover his real feelings, whatever they were.

"What do you mean, 'left you the house'?" you asked as you tried to understand.

"It means what it means. I'll live at the house and she...well she'll move wherever." This time he wasn't able to rid his voice of the anger and malice. 

You gaped at him. You nodded as you tried to make sense of it. It was suddenly understandable why he was trying to avoid you. He needed some time to process it too.

"Okay. Look, I'll be in the Library in our spot in the afternoon if... If you want to talk. Or even if not. Just... I'd like to spend some time with you before we say our goodbyes," you said with some hope in your voice.

Severus felt propelled to succumb to your wish. He simply nodded his head at you and after a moment of simply looking you in the eyes, he turned and went into the dorms.

You stood at the top of the stairs and thought about Severus just as your angry stomach reminded you, there was no food in it and you went back to eat some breakfast.


	24. Chapter 24

As you said, you came to the Library right after the lunch and waited. And waited. And waited some more. You had no idea if the waiting was so bad just because you were all jittery or if it really had been so long until Mr Thyme came to lit all the oil lamps.

A strange feeling of despair washed over you. Why was it always so difficult with him? He was so much extra work...and yet, the thought of not trying, to let him go, was unbearable. In comparison with Vistaria, where your friendship significantly cooled down and you sort of let it, you found it odd. But maybe you were just trying hard to not see what was glaringly obvious to others. You like Severus more than just a friend. Kirtida was convinced about it. Could she be right?

You were unconsciously playing with the hem of your sleeve as you were trying to decipher your own feelings.

_____

Severus was thinking all day about all that happened to him. He still wasn't over Lily and their fight. Or over the fact she started to date that brute Potter. His father was out of his life for good and his mother seemingly wanted to follow. He felt so incredibly left out...alone.

As it were he felt like the only people who stayed were his Slytherin friends. And by that he meant Avery and Mulciber more than you. When he thought of you he felt afraid. 

The more the so-called good people left him, abandoned him, the more he inclined to his ambition to change things. He was more convinced than ever that his place would be beside the Dark Lord. He would never be one of the 'good ones' if all they ever did for him was leave.

The thought of you was the only hurdle, only hiccup in his justification for his behaviour. He couldn't imagine you in this new world of his he had planned. You were far too bright for his dark path. And though he recognized it, he still couldn't help but feel selfish about you. He wanted you by his side. And maybe you wouldn't oppose so much. Your parents probably were at least His supporters if not even followers, right? Eventually they would be anyway when Dark Lord rises to power.

In his musings he'd completely forgotten about time. The clock was saying half past six and he bolted from his seat to go to the Library. He even ran which was an activity he downright hated. It looked so inelegant and undignified.

Just as he turned around one of the bookshelves, he saw you sitting in one of the two chairs, your expression worried and he saw you play with your sleeve. It was an action he had connected with your nervousness or anxiety. What caught his eyes the most was the watery glint in your eyes. 

He took a careful step towards you. You noticed the movement and when your head snapped to it and you saw Severus you felt a huge wave of relief wash over you. If you apparated next to him it wouldn't be as fast as you in that moment. 

You hugged him tightly and felt the tears spill over from you eyes. Not that you minded. You were just so happy he came. It was in that moment you knew that you were certain the connection between you two was more than a regular friendship. 

"I'm so glad you came," you whispered between the sobs.

Severus had no idea what to do with himself. Was this a normal reaction. Were you so sad you two would separate for two months in just three days from now?

He reciprocated the hug, which he never did until then and he let his head down and his lips touched the crown of your head. He didn't know where did it come from but he felt like kissing you in your hair would make you feel better. It did stop you from crying, he noted.

Of course, he had no idea it was due to the shock you received from the action. 


	25. Chapter 25

There was a long pause in which Severus pondered upon why he had done this. You were trying to collect yourself enough to function as a human being again.

You were both gone in your own worlds and thus didn't notice a figure in the shadows with a huge grin on her face. 

Kirtida noticed your absence after lunch and when, by accident, of course, she spotted Severus running, she excused herself from her current conversation and swiftly followed. To excuse her actions, she wasn't planning on spying, she just wanted to ask him about your whereabouts. But the scene she happened upon was so great and thrilling she just couldn't help herself, she had to watch! That was until she started to feel like a creep and slowly and quietly left.

Severus snapped out of his head first and suddenly felt very uncomfortable with you so near and so he tried to take a step back and get out of the hug. The move was so unexpected, you lost balance and grabbed his arm. He noted your wobbly legs and hastily helped you to your previous seat. When there was no danger of you falling, he went for the chair opposite yours. He was glad for the small study table in the space between you two.

He felt weird. It reminded him of this feeling he had as an eight-year-old. He went into a nice neighbourhood and in one of the gardens, a great pear tree grew. He wanted to taste one of those pears so much, he stealthily went in and took it. This week very similar. Like trespassing, he noted.

After an awkward pause, you looked at him and opened your mouth only to shut it again. He noticed and looked at you in expectation of what you want to tell him. You repeated this twice and when you opened your mouth for the fourth time he just snapped.

"What is it, squirt? What do you want to say?" he quickly said with a great amount of anxiousness. It almost made you smile. Almost.

"Just... I'm glad you came," you said and felt the heat coming up to your cheeks. Oh, Merlin, this will be a problem. You couldn't even talk to him normally now. Severus just nodded.

"So... You have a place to live in now," you tried to change the topic and clear the air. He nodded again with all seriousness.

"I... You know I was really looking forward to you staying with me in the summer," you snorted at the end. Severus got that weird feeling again. This sensation of doing something you shouldn't.

"Well, I have my own house to stay at, now."

"Yeah, you do," you said with a pang of sadness as you were reminded again that Severus is almost an adult and he'll be out of school in no time.

"It occurred to me just yesterday that it's going to be your last year here soon."

Severus was looking forward to that moment for at least two years then but he knew from your expression, it wouldn't be such a happy event for you.

"Hey, squirt, we still have a year ahead. Knowing me, you'll pray for me to get out of your life as soon as possible in no time," he said with a smirk but you didn't find it so funny. 

"I don't think so, Sev," you answered seriously and the way you were looking at him made him uncomfortable yet again. 

You didn't stay long after that, both of you strained and mentally exhausted. You both had a lot on your mind. 

Severus got his peace and quiet to think but as for you, there was a small inquisition ahead of you. After all, Kirtida wanted to know all the details.


	26. Chapter 26

Last three days of your stay at Hogwarts were full of thinking, awkward encounters with Severus and more thinking. All this in the company of Kirtida's nagging, Lavender's silent resentment and Vistaria's absence or complete silence. 

You tried to act normally both in presence of Severus and the girls. It was a complete failure if you could say so yourself.

The day before leaving you were outside, reading a book under Severus' tree with him. He was doing the same. It felt better when you had something to do and didn't have to come up with topics to talk about. This time you didn't even have to try so hard to not think about him because you had some very interesting literature in your hands.

You had no idea how or why but when you two met this morning, Severus had two tiny slim books in his hands. He made a point that Muggle versions of fairytales were slightly different from those in Wizarding World and gave you one of the books he was holding. Sleeping Beauty. There was a tickle of memory in your head. You two talked about this once.

He was reading your version of the story and you were reading the Muggle version. It was intriguing and fascinating that your favourite character was so evil in this version.

Likewise, Severus found out why you felt Maleficent was a good role model. She was pretty much the main hero of the story. The more he read it the more he was sure you would support his inclination to join Dark Lord's forces. He too tried to save the magical creatures from the hiding place and make Muggles see they were not the ultimate force of nature. 

Both of you were very impressed with the other version of the story. Severus finished first and his mind was running wild about the idea of his future. And how maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't have to lose you because of it. 

He studied you while you were finishing the last two pages of the story and thought about how did you make him so peaceful. How such a small squirt, barely a teenager, could have such an effect on him. Maybe he'd love to have a younger sibling to care for. To protect. Someone who would smile at him whenever. His thought turned sour when he thought of Petunia and Lily and how even siblings didn't have to love each other unconditionally.

When you finished the book you were very excited and your eyes literally beamed with joy when you turned them to Severus. That was the look he wanted to see and made even his corners twitch in the quickest, smallest smile.

"That was so great! I mean Maleficent is way better in our story but the all-powerful love is such a story changer! How could Muggles even come up with it when they don't know magic exists!" you were totally sold. "I need to read more of these Muggle stories!" you exclaimed. 

"I think our story is better. It's more empowering and it shows the true nature of Muggles more accordingly."

The smile on your face disappeared when you heard the meaning behind his words. Indeed, in their story, the only evil was a witch and no Muggle was bad.

"That's true but it makes sense in a weird way. Muggles are probably afraid of us. Wouldn't you be if you couldn't do magic and there were people around who could?" you asked sincerely. He frowned.

"So they're entitled to be cruel because they're scared?" he asked with sparks of anger in his eyes. 

No! That's not it. It's not good either way I'm just... I'm just trying to say it's... _understandable_ , not _justified_. Try to think of them as frightened animals. When they're too afraid, they can attack you and bite you."

Severus was a little surprised by this comparison. He felt you were a little too good and understanding when speaking of Muggles. It only occurred to him now, that maybe it was because you didn't even see them as your equals. If they were like animals to you, your standpoint wasn't that much different from the purebloods he knew. The difference was, you were like...a fighter for animal rights or vegetarian. 

That was nowhere near your actual thoughts. But it gave him some more hope you could still be friends even when he would join the Death Eaters as was his plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that the magical version of Sleeping Beauty is pretty much the movie Maleficent in my head if you need an inspiration source. 😉


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I want to apologise to those of you, who are strict about details, but though HP is set in the UK and they use their own system, I grew up with the metric one and feel more comfortable with it so, I'm gonna use it. I got used to inches thanks to HP and the wands but "feet" or "yards" are terms under which I can't imagine any sort of distance.  
> Also, the story is about to get darker from now, hope you're prepared.

You knew for a fact that no matter how much you tried to prepare for the end of the year, it wouldn't be enough. The beds in your room were all neat and the four of you gave each other hug. 

Lavender went first to meet her pure-blood friends to ride with them. Vistaria gave you an apologetic smile and went to her new band of friends. The one Jacob was a part of. 

Kirtida took your hand excitedly and led you out.

"Now, where do we find your future husband?" she asked and you sighed. This was like adding salt to your wound.

"Kir, let me ask you. Why are you so obsessed with this? I mean me and Severus."

She gave you a side glance but still went straight to the carriages.

"What did you choose as your electives for next year?"

That surprised you and you had no idea how it could be connected to your question.

"I went for Study of Ancient Runes and I guess I'll try Care of Magical Creatures. Why?"

She had that mischievous glint in her eye and happy grin on her face.

"I also have SOAR. And Divination."

"Divination?" you asked with disgust. She slightly chuckled.

"Yeah, for most people it's useless. You've got to have the gift of seeing to make any real progress."

You stopped at that.

"What?! You're a seer?" you asked incredulously. Your head was trying to think of any signs she might have shown previously. Some lead to tell you she had this gift. You could come up with none.

"I wouldn't say seer exactly. I make no prophecies. I just... get feelings. Like, my gut telling me something and it usually is correct. Also..." she made a pause and looked somewhere away. "I also get some weird dreams from time to time." She looked back at me. "And some of them are pretty dark, Y/N." The eerie atmosphere she could conjure up with her voice and serious face made you shiver. Kirtida was almost never serious. You tried to connect the dots.

"So, you're telling me that you ship Severus with me because... what? You have a feeling?" you asked and tried to understand her standpoint. You resumed your walk to the carriages, which were like 10 meters away.

"Kinda... I can't explain it well, but since he became a topic of our night chats I started to get these weird... sort of visions I guess. To be completely honest with you, I can't make much out of it too. I hope I'll get some clarity on it next year."

_____

The Hogwarts Express came to a stop and you got out. The whole journey home felt like a dream. You couldn't get your conversation with Kirtida out of your head. It was a very quiet ride and you hoped she didn't mind much. 

As you were on the platform you gave her a tight hug and wished her nice holiday. She sent you a wink. "Don't overthink it too much, Y/N. It will only mess up with your head."

It was definitely good advice but just as hard to follow. You looked around and as if being drawn to him, your eyes landed on Severus. His tall figure, black hair and pale complexion were like a lighthouse in the mass of people. Or was it just to you? The more you thought about it, the stranger you felt about it all. You replayed all your chance encounters with Severus and how it felt like too much of an accident now. 

Nonetheless, you went towards him. You wanted to go to him and say one more goodbye. Hug him one more time.

Strangely, Severus stood put. He wasn't one to lose time and when he was transporting from place to place he tried to fast and efficient. It was very unlike him to just stand in the crowd and not move a muscle. Suddenly his head turned right and his eyes landed on you. You were trying to get to him and he felt this strange pull to go towards you. And he did. 

You stopped in front of each other and both of you were studying the other one intently.

"This is strange," Severus said and frowned. You did the same and nodded. Out of nowhere, your parents came behind you and your father grabbed you very painfully and pulled you towards him. You yelped with shock and pain.

"We're leaving," he said through gritted teeth and kept on pulling you. Your mother seemed as shocked as you. You never saw your father like this and you were pretty sure, this would be the first time he would leave a bruise on you.


	28. Chapter 28

Severus was torn, his mind all over the place. When your father came to drag you away, Severus wasn't all that shocked. It crossed his mind once or twice what your parents would say about him. The strange thing though, they didn't even know he was a half-blood. He quickly scanned the man's mind, touched the surface before he was found out and shunned. But what he saw was strange. The man obviously knew his mother. 

Severus tried to come up with a good reason, what the problem could possibly be. Eileen Prince was a Wizard name. Though not one of the 'sacred twenty-eight', it is, or was, a respectable name with no Muggles or Muggle-borns for five generations. Also, the man must have been quite familiar with his mum if he could think of her just by looking at him. He knew her personally that's for sure. 

____

There wasn't a single time you could remember when your father would be like this. Not even when you once or twice started to show some interest in Muggle technology. That was just a warning compared to this storm. When you searched the face of your mother, you found nothing but confusion. 

"Y/N, listen to me closely. I don't want you to associate with that guy ever again, you hear me?" your father asked, or rather said, furiously and he started to pace your summer salon as soon as you apparated home. 

"What?!" you asked in disbelieve. Your father stopped and quickly with no real control over himself, he slapped you across the face. You were shocked but so was your mother who hastily came to you and started to inspect you before she turned to her husband.

"Tobias! Are you out of your mind?! What's gotten into you?"

"QUIET! I won't tolerate any disobedience here!"

"You went completely mad!" your mother shouted, another thing you saw for the first time. This wasn't real, was it? Your father never hit you before. Your parents don't fight. That'd not your family. 

"Y/N, go into your room, now! And don't you even dare to think of writing him or contact him in any other way, or I swear, you're transferring to Durmstrang!"

You felt the tears running down your face and quickly ran away and into your room and shut your door loudly. You felt despair grabbing onto you. You heard some loud arguing from downstairs and then, something breaking. At that moment you held your breath to listen to other loud noises. You heard none and so you quietly went out of your room and down. They heard a heated but whispered discussion.

"...with her? I let it pass before when it was just me but now it's our daughter, MY child you're taking it out on," you heard your mother say. 

"It's nothing, Elinor, let it go."

"I won't! You're acting like a madman whenever you talk about her. What, in Merlin's name, had happened between you and Eileen?"

There was a pregnant pause in which you didn't dare to even breath. Your imagination was running wild. What? Eileen? Who was Eileen? What did it have to do with Severus? This was all so confusing. You wanted to cry, scream, beg. This was so frustrating.

You heard a sigh.

"It will chase you away, Norie. I don't..." your father paused himself and a sense of dread was filling you up with every second.

"Tobias, you'd better give me a good explanation for why you hit our daughter and it better be a good one because right now I have all the mind to pack up and leave with her," your mother said with a soft voice but strong determination. She could always bind her soft and good heart with her fierce no-nonsense personality so well.

"She... slipped me a very potent love potion. Her own creation, something she... experimented on. It took me two weeks in St. Mungo nad lots of medics and healers to get it out of my system somehow. They... said it would always leave an imprint of sorts. You're a stark opposite of her, your hair, your eyes, your character... everything."

There was no way for you to see your mother's face, but she must have been shocked. You were shocked. There was a long pause. Too long. It was harder and harder to not peek out from behind the door frame and possibly reveal yourself. 

"Norie-"

"So, you slapped my child because she was speaking with a boy, who could be or not a son of someone that basically poisoned you once a lifetime ago?" you mother's voice asked dangerously calmly. 

"That's not it! She's not safe with him! And what do you mean 'could be or not'. That boy is like a young male version of her!" your father picked up his voice again.

"Tobias, be sensible, he's a child."

"So was she," he almost growled.

"Doesn't mean he's the same as her," your mother tried to reason with him. This was all starting to get a little too much for you.

"You can't possibly think it's an accident he's talking with Y/N. Did you look at them? She's at least three years younger, why would they even get to know each other? He approached her on purpose, I'm sure of it."

"Why? If he was just trying to experiment like his mother, why not random people, why our daughter?" your mother asked. She was less certain then. She was getting a little suspicious since the situation was a little odd when Tobias put it like that. That was until her husband spoke again.

"Who knows? They're both crazy!" he said with slight hysterics in his voice only his wife could detect. This was like a warning sign for Elinor. She knew her husband well enough and for far too long to know when he was hiding something.

"Tobias," she said with a warning. Again, only her husband knew how serious it was and he got scared. This was what he feared. Only a few things scared him in this world and his wife finding this all out was one of them. "Tobias," she repeated and even you knew that your dad was in trouble. You had heard your mother use this tone on several occasions when her good heart started to run out of patience. 

"Okay, okay, fine! I... after I got discharged, I cursed Eileen."


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the previous chapter, I'd just like to clarify that I have nothing against anyone named Tobias. It's a name given to Severus' father by J. K. Rowling and for the purposes of my story I needed our father to be named the same, so no personal grudge there... 😄 And they're not supposed to be bad or evil either...our father messed up pretty much like Sev's mother and as for Tobias Snape... well his story is coming too

"Cursed?" you heard your mother whisper. None of it made sense. Your father cursed Severus' mother? Because she was experimenting on him? You were feeling very lightheaded. And sick from your stomach. 

"What do you mean, cursed? Cursed how?" 

"It was... I found it in my grandfather's grimoire."

A gasp was heard and then some rustling. Elinor started to pace the floor. She stopped and turned to her husband. 

"What curse, Tobias?" she asked breathlessly. You couldn't see but your parents were looking at each other one scared and the other disappointed.

"Famulatus," he whispered. Quick steps were going your way but you had no strength to hide and so when your mother came out she saw your silent tears and terrified expression.

"Mother," you whispered just as your father came out. They were both looking at you.

"Pack up, Y/N. We're visiting your grandma in Ireland this summer holiday," you mum said and before your dad could say anything she looked at him. "We need some time," she simply said and went to you. She helped you up and you both went to your rooms and left your father in the summer salon. 

The next morning you left him for the whole summer. You knew you were going to Hogwarts in September one way or another. What you didn't know was if your mother would come back home to your father as well. Somehow the thought of them splitting up was terrifying. 

______

Severus came into the empty rundown house. The queer silence was getting under his skin. Suddenly, he had no idea what to do with himself, like there was no purpose. It used to be, that he was watching out for his father, looking out for his mother, though she barely gave him a side glance. He lived in constant unrest, he was looking forward to the end of summer so he could go back to Hogwarts and meet his bullies there. The thought made him realise he never truly felt at home anywhere. 

Well, he felt home with someone, but that went down the rabbit hole of constant fighting until he put the final nail to the coffin. He sat down on the old wooden stool and sighed. His life was a joke. He was sure that this was not even a life, more like existence. He needed some meaning to it. Soon, he thought, very soon. Just a year and his life will finally be a life. He's going to do something, he'll be someone.

Severus went through the house aimlessly. It was really a rundown but at least he had a place to stay. He went to his room and ruminated on writing his mother. He put an end to that when his tired mind finally let him realise that he had no idea where to send it. 

_____

It took Severus good three weeks to finally gather courage and enter his parent's room. He wasn't allowed inside and the last time he went in was last summer when he stopped his father from beating his mother to an early death. Back then, he had no mind to inspect his surrounding, though it had been roughly eight years since he'd been in there.

As he entered he looked around. Much like the rest of the house, everything was old and most likely even secondhand. Severus felt a wave of disgust and hatred swell in his chest. 

Severus, due to the poor conditions in which he was raised, had many vices. One of them was jealousy. He was jealous of how others were raised. How they had everything he wanted. In the Slytherin house, it especially rang true.

One thing caught his attention. A jewellery box. Or something which looked like a jewellery box. An idea popped up in his head and he opened the wardrobe to check if it's empty. It mostly was. That meant the box was left behind because his mother forgot to take it or left it behind intentionally.

He tried to open it only to find out it's locked. Alohomora didn't help much, there was some sort of magical seal. It intrigued Severus very much and he started to search in his head for some useful spell to find out how to open the box.

________

Your grandmother's house was a country estate, which, much like your house and most of the Wizarding World, looked as if frozen in time. Sometime during the Victorian period. 

The journey was a quiet one, quick. It took your mother over a week to finally smile a bit and talk to you more than three words at a time. She was thinking hard and barely left her quarters. 

You were coping better but that was mostly thanks to the denial. There was no way that your father cursed Severus' mother. In those rare moments when denial didn't work, you had more pressing thoughts than depression on your mind. Like what was the curse? What did it do? You tried to come up with the name of the spell but your shock back than wiped your memory clean and no matter how much you wanted to remember it was to no avail.

Two thoughts you avoided by all cost. What would Severus think or do if he knew your father cursed his mother. And if the curse may be the reason why Severus' life was so difficult.


	30. Chapter 30

It was the end of July and you decided to write to your father. Nothing too warm or specific, just how you are. You were afraid you and your mother would never find your way to him if you lost all contact. The owl came back four hours later with a thick letter in which your father said a lot of apologetic words, his hopes of making everything right and begged you to talk with your mother in his stead.

In the past month, you tried to dig out some more information from your mother, like what was the curse used on Mrs Snape, but she never answered. Your father, on the other hand, was very desperate based off his letter and maybe you could use it to get something out of him. You wrote him back.

_Dear father,_

_I hope you're staying healthy. Mother and I are doing fine, but she is rather upset still. I will try my best on your behalf to talk her into forgiving you, but first, I myself am not entirely too convinced to do it. Father, I am severely disappointed and hurt. And to think of the damage which can be caused to my friendship with Severus... I just need to know. What exactly have you cursed his mother with? Is the curse still intact? Or did she get rid off it successfully? Can she even? I need to know, you have to tell me if there's a way to fix this._

_Hope you'll do the right thing. For both of our sakes._

_Yours,_

_Y/N._

You knew you were not playing fair here. It wasn't far from blackmailing really but you had to do this, no matter what. Playing nice, as you found out recently, didn't always pay off. And so you sent the letter.

Your father wasn't so quick to write back this time but eventually, you got a letter from him. It was way shorter than the first one. 

_Y/N, dear,_

_I'm glad you wrote back. I'm more convinced than ever that you take after your mother, you have the same fierceness she posses when something is very dear to her._

_As for the curse...it's a curse of eternal servitude. Eileen disappeared for a month and came back more distant than ever, more reserved, more... depressed. She requested my imidate resignation from the Gobstones Club, which she was granted and she avoided me since then. I have no information as of her current condition but I can tell you that her experimentation certainly left its mark on me._

_The curse was one form my grandfather's grimoire, which was full of experimental curses and hexes, sometimes with no data about the side effects. I'm afraid no one but Eileen herself can tell you what you wish to know._

_In regards to your friendship with her son. Be careful my daughter. Revenge is a strong motivation and no one who plays with experimental magic is safe to associate with. Not even me, I'm afraid to say._

_Send my best regards to your mother._

_With love,_

_father._

The letter answered as many questions as it brought up. What had Eileen done to your father exactly? Did he say a very strong love potion? Why? How strong? Is there a love potion? Your expertise in magic wasn't enough to understand all this. Curse of servitude? Eternal servitude. What did it imply?

Your head was hurting from all the unknowns. 

____

Severus was trying for two weeks now to get into the jewellery box with no success. Nothing was enough. He started to lose patience and was holding onto the last straw of it to not break the damn thing in half. 

That was until three days later. His frustration got the better of him and he finally snapped. He wasn't sure if he's glad or even more pissed off when he found out the damaging spell had no effect on the wooden box. It definitely made him open up to more drastic ways of getting into it. Not that any of them was good enough. His patience was running short and his mind was occupied by the different ways of getting into the damn thing.

____

Your mother was sitting in the garden, talking with your grandmother and you found her smile much more beautiful than ever. Perhaps it was true that the rare things are that much precious. The thought reminded you of the few rare occasions you saw Severus smile. You grinned and went to the two women.

"Well, who do we have here? So, have you decided my dear?" nonna started and you gave her the strangest look. You grandmother was always strange, she always knew too much and as a kid you never understood. After the second year at Hogwarts, you were wondering if she was a Legilimens like Jacob or a Seer like Kritida. 

"Yes. Mother, I need to talk to you." The confidence you came with dissipated very quickly when your mother's tender smile tuned to the stern face you had seen most of the time on her this month. 

"What is it, honey?" she asked warmly but with a hint of concern.

"Father."

There was a pause. Your grandmother smiled softly.

"I told you once Elinor and I'll tell you again. Women in our family never pick the easiest men to accompany in life but they always make the right choice. Now, I have no idea what Tobias did but surely you can hear your daughter out about what she has to say."

You gave your nonna a huge grin full of gratitude and her voice set down warmly in your chest. 

"But he-"

"Ma, I know that... what he did was wrong but... he's still my father. I'm thirteen. You don't expect me to forget about ten years of memories I can remember. How good he was because he lost it once and slapped me."

You mother frowned.

"Y/N, dear, that's not why I don't want to talk to him. It was the reason I was upset then, my maternal instinct kicking in, but now... I'm upset that he lied to me, I'm afraid... why he is with me. Afraid of how he described me as an opposite of her as if he chose me only because of it."

Her eyes glistened with unshed tears and her lower lip shivered. Nonna, who usually had a kind and mischievous smile on her face, was now watching with all seriousness and listening intently. Your heart constricted when you saw your mother doubting your father's love. That was something a child shouldn't witness.

"Elinor, dear, take your time but if you want to know more, you won't conjure up the answers from thin air. You'll have to talk with your husband," your nonna said and put a cup of black tea with milk and two sugars to her lips. 

Your mother was sitting and looking into nothingness and then she released a breath together with the tension in her body. She stood up and left without any words of goodbye, deep in her thoughts. You were about to follow her but nonna stopped you.

"Oh no, dear, let her think about it. Let adults do their thing. Meanwhile, tell me about yourself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to let you into my brain a little bit and share a few songs that usually play in my headphones when I'm thinking about the plot of this story 😊 nobody asked for it but you'll get it anyway 😆 Especially the first six songs are a huge inspiration.  
> Nightwish - While your lips are still red  
> Amber Run - I found  
> AG, Clair Wyndham - My love will never die  
> Tori Kelly, Ed Sheeran - I was made for loving you  
> Hozier - NFWMB (This one is usually an inspiration for our relationship with Severus but the chorus also helped to create our mother's personality)  
> Billy Lockett - Wide eyes  
> Avi Kaplan - Change on the rise  
> Alec Benjamin - Let me down slowly  
> Pink Floyd - Wish you were here  
> Damien Rice - It takes a lot to know a man  
> Elliott Smith - Between the bars  
> MO - Bullet with butterfly wings  
> Radiohead - Creep (I listened to this one intensely when I thought about Severus' obsession with Lily)  
> James Bay - Wild love (acoustic)  
> SYML - Where's my love


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I'm posting two short chapters instead of one. Enjoy 😉

You were staring at your nonna, your body tingling with both excitement and dread. Somehow, you were sure that this conversation won't be pleasant for you.

"Well? We both know what troubles your mother. What troubles you?" she asked when you didn't reply to her previous question. The chair felt suddenly very uncomfortable and your body fretted. Even as you tried to avoid her intent stare, you felt it on you and it made you feel like crawling out of your own skin.

"Nothing much," you answered uncomfortably. Your nonna laughed at that, clearly not believing you.

"Oh, my, I'm too old to beat around the bush, I have no time for that. I can also tell when a girl finds herself in some good old-fashioned love trouble."

Her all-knowing green eyes were both warm and inquisitive as if she tried to prompt you to talk. It was very effective.

"Nothing passes you, hm? I'm... I don't really know. There's this boy..."

"Well, that's a good start," she said sternly and you frowned as it reminded you of aunt Norma, who was banished from the family. She left to live in a country with more freedom and acceptance for same-sex relationships. You actually never met her but heard a few stories from your mother. From what you heard, nonna was furious beside herself. "So what's the problem? Blood status?" she asked.

"No. I mean, he's a half-blood," you said with some uncertainty. Your nonna scoffed a bit but she hadn't voiced any disapproval. Oh and if she was really disapproving, she would have no qualms about telling you, you knew that much.

"That's not ideal, but not a big problem. It fits the general trend in the family I've spoken of previously. Of course, the family meeting would be awkward though."

You tried to not think about how your nonna already saw you married to Severus in her head.

"That's the problem, it would be more than awkward," you whispered and she raised one curious eyebrow in your direction. "His mother... is the witch father cursed. The one my mother is afraid of being compared to." 

There was no doubt in your mind that your grandmother was taken aback by the revelations but you didn't even dare to look at her to see her expression. There wasn't much in this world that could leave Sylvana Bluespire at her wit's end. Choosing who to side with between her daughter and her granddaughter was one of them, though. She mulled her options in her head and tried to come up with some outcome without hurting neither of her two girls.

"Y/N, dear, how serious are these feelings towards the boy? Am I to be really concerned about this?" she tried to ask carefully. You were at a very vulnerable age and this might as well be your first love. At the same time, it wasn't a rarity in the Wizarding World to get married at eighteen, since wizards and witches would start to work as soon as they left school. It wasn't even strange to do so at sixteen, which rang especially true for pure-blood families, where there was usually no need to work to have money even at a young age. 

In your head, you tried to think about it. Much like your grandmother, you were aware that feelings of thirteen-year-olds were far more serious in your world than in the Muggle world. Your brief imploration into their world made you realise they study awfully long and marry later in life, if ever, sometimes just living with their spouses without commitment.

"Nonna, I... really care about him. I feel like we understand each other and I'm afraid. Not of awkward dinners, but o not having them at all. Of what he would think of me once he finds out the truth. Would he hate me? Would he... leave me?" you spoke with haste and felt tears sting your eyes and willed them to not fall down your cheek. Your nonna sighed defeatedly.

"How old is the boy?"

"Seventeen, it's going to be his last year."

"Not a boy anymore then, good." Your eyes widened. How was this good exactly? Your nonna read the question off your face...or your mind, you still weren't sure. "It's good, dear, you can explore your feelings while he won't be around, find out how true they really are. Also... if he's going to be around for just a year he might not find out, right? And if he does... well, then maybe the time apart will be more to your service than you can comprehend right now."

With the last smile sent your way, your nonna stood up and went inside. It was time to talk to her daughter again.

The calming garden around you was good for your nerves and the subtle voices of nature provided a good background for your chaotic thought. One thing was getting clearer with each day though. Not only did you love Severus with all your heart but you were also falling in love with him. As soon as you admitted to yourself the full scale of your feelings, they became a source of many a restless night.


	32. Chapter 32

**!!SHORT SMUT CHAPTER ALERT!! if you don't want to read smut, or you feel uncomfortable with teenage sexuality, this chapter doesn't have to be read to understand the story, it's more like a bonus for those of you who enjoy it like me. Feel free to ignore it.**

_You were laying in your bed when someone knocked on your door. You were just in your camisole and panties but you didn't mind your ma or nonna seeing you like that and invited them in. The shock you sustained after the person came in left you gaping and speechless once you turned to see who it was. Severus was standing in your doorway and eyes burned right through the thin layer of your camisole and scanned you body up and down. And then up again. His scorching gaze stopped on your lips and you felt them dry and darted your tongue out to wet them._

_Severus' eyes watched that movement with fascination and his eyes linger for a while before he turned his gaze to your eyes. There was no way you weren't blushing under his intense stare. You swore you saw him swallow hard and he made a step towards you. A small gasp left you and you made the smallest step back._

_"What are you doing here?" you asked and he made the most uncomprehending face._

_"What do you think I'm doing?" he said and made hasty steps across the room towards you to crush his lips onto yours. Though you were surprised by the action you were also excited and let him navigate you through your first kiss. And what a kiss it was. HE stole your breath away and you went weak in the knees. He noticed your wobbling and embrace you to support you and get you closer to him._

_He parted from your lips but before you could say anything - complain or demand an explanation - he attacked your neck wet kisses and you lost all reason. When you felt his teeth graze your earlobe you moaned and it stopped him from his ministrations. You froze, afraid you did something wrong until he cupped your head in his hand and his coal-black eyes sunk into yours and you saw a fire of passion in them while drowning in them._

_He quickly grabbed the hem of your camisole and pushed it out of the way, out of your body and once his hands cupped your breasts, you moaned just like before which only made him go for your mouth again with a low growl. You never would have guessed him to be so... ferocious, primal._

_Before you knew what was going on he grabbed your thighs and lifted you up. By instinct, you put your legs around him and he carried you to your bed and laid you a little roughly down on it. He followed not even a second after._

_He got rid of your panties and his clothes and you admired his pale porcelain-like skin and his lean body. As you wanted to look lower down his body he whispered your name and you snapped your eyes back to his. His hand softly caressed your cheek and just as he was about to give you a sweet kiss before what you were about to do..._

You woke up with a start, slightly panting and with a very uncomfortable strain between your legs. You flushed red when you realised you had your very first wet dream. And wet you were. You frowned at the discomfort you felt and moaned quietly when you moved and created the slightest friction. Your skin was tender and overly sensitive and you were feeling extremely embarrassed. A wet dream about Severus. 

You recalled the dream and the memory of his hot stare on you made you all squirmish again. Out of the desperate need for... something, you pushed a hand in your panties and slid a finger along the slick entrance. You gasped and moved with more force and purpose this time, only to flutter your eyes shut and moan. You explored yourself shyly but the thought of Severus made you continue.

You imagined his fingers instead of yours. His long hair tickling your cheeks as he was watching you lovingly. His hot breathy pants as he was getting aroused by you. His lips whispering your name. 

You quickened the tempo with which you were playing with yourself. The nub of nerves you discovered gave you extra pleasure got extra attention. You felt some sort of build-up and you were excited and hot and sweaty. You imagined Severus looking the same way you felt. You imagined him to lower his mouth to your ear. You imagined him say 'I love you' in the strained and breathy voice and that was the last thing you needed to imagine.

Your whole body tensed as if something inside you exploded, you opened your eyes and fell apart with a soft whispered "Severus" on your lips. You slowly relaxed while waves of pleasure took over your body and the buzz in your head subsided. After a moment of bliss, you felt so embarrassed you had to cover your face with a pillow but underneath it, you were grinning like a madwoman.


	33. Chapter 33

You were sitting in the compartment and getting both excited and terrified of your third year. The Hogwarts Express was still in London with many students and their families outside, saying goodbye to each other. You came earlier and wished your dazed mother good luck - she was about to finally return home to talk with father. You wished they would go past their differences as every child would with their parents... or would they? A thought of Severus flicked through your mind but you chased it away.

Since you realised your feelings for Severus, not only did you have many very specific dreams about him which made you blush even now, but you were also thinking about him during the day. Your nonna caught you many times daydreaming or just deep in thought and always gave you a knowing smile. Even your mother, who spent most of the time in her own head, had realised there was something nagging your mind constantly. She, thankfully, hadn't address it, yet. 

The door to your compartment opened with strength and urgency and you turned to look into a face which wasn't on your mind recently but still managed to make you frown. 

"Daniel," you said as you watched the Griffindor boy enter and sit opposite to you. "What do you want?" you asked cautiously, but with more civility than he deserved in your opinion. His face was stoic and he was just looking at you as if he was searching for something.

"Y/N," he said with a quiet calm voice, "I know I'm probably a year too late but... I want to apologise." His eyes looked into your with sincerity you didn't think possible. You sighed.

"To be honest with you I didn't exactly miss you the last year when you were keeping your distance," you said, paused and looked out into the hallway and back at him, "but it's not like I was consumed by hate either. It honestly seems like a lifetime ago now, apology accepted." You tried to smile as sincerely as possible and he returned the gesture with more hesitancy. The serene moment was disturbed by another loud bang of the door and this time you saw the real tormentor of your life who haunted your thought day and night.

Severus strode in like a hurricane, his body tense, his posture almost as an animal about to attack. His face turned into a scowl he stepped in your view with his back to you, facing Daniel.

"What are you doing here?" he spat out, his voice laced with hatred and venom. A part of you, the treacherous part which made your heart jump, felt good about how protective he was. The other part was frustrated and furious. Thank Merlin, there was a small voice of reason too and you decided to listen to it. You saw Daniel standing up, his face also frowning and just as he was about to say something you bolted up from your seat and grabbed Severus' arm to turn him slightly your way.

"Sev, he's here to apologise, it's okay," you said with urgency. His stance relaxed and you turned to Daniel with an apologetic smile. He wasn't looking at you, still measuring up Severus. It looked almost funny since Severus was tall even for his peers which made Daniel look scrawny and almost insignificant. 

"Daniel, thanks for coming here." That's when he turned to you. "I guess I'll see you in the school?" you added nervously and though he still frowned and understood that this was his cue to leave. 

"Yeah," he drawled, "see you in class," he said and left, thankfully.

You realised then that you were still holding onto Severus' arm and let go quickly. The frantic movement drew his attention to you. He was looking at you with utmost curiosity and confusion. There was also something in his face that made him look like he thought you were stupid.

"You forgave him?" he asked in a low tone, his body towering over yours. You gulped and tried to focus on anything other than his lips and soft raven hair, which fell down and framed his face as he was stooping down to you. You moved your eyes to meet his but that didn't help that much. Though your mouth opened, no sound came out and so you just nodded.

"Why?" he almost gritted through his teeth. You took a deep breath.

"It happened a long time ago," you whispered breathlessly but managed to say it without any stuttering. 

"But it happened anyway," he almost growled then. It scared you, to be honest, but a flicker of memory entered your mind.

"I remember very well what happened that day, _all_ of it." He immediately understood your implication. With a step back he straightened his body and turned his head from you with shame. 

Severus felt his anger quickly change into guilt and then into anger again. This time he wasn't angry with your actions but with those of his mother and his mind trailed to that infuriating box he took with himself. He hoped to find some clues in the Library as to how to open it since he wasn't successful.

A strange and anxious atmosphere spread in the compartment and you were both trying to avoid each other's glances. Eventually, you had enough and just sat back down at your seat. As if in trans, his movements incredibly slow, he sat down on the place previously occupied by Dan. As soon as his butt hit the seat he got up again and took care of his luggage which laid at the compartment entrance and you hadn't noticed until that moment.

For an awkward minute, you were sitting in silence and you were staring at the door, willing it to open and let someone else in. Then the train started to move and you lost your hope only to have a huge grin plastered on your face ten seconds later when Kirtida came in with breathy but cheerful "Hi". She placed her trunk up with more huffs and puffs and sat down next to you, only then noting the strange tension. 

She gave Severus a side smirk and extended her hand to him to introduce herself but she was interrupted by the door opening yet again. This time, two older boys stood in the entrance. Their eyes were mischievous, maybe even mean and their posture arrogant.

"Snape," one of them said with a smirk but there was no warm feeling behind the greeting. Severus eyed the guys with disinterest. 

"Avery, Mulciber," he replied and they entered and sat down next to him.

"Sharing space with little snots?" the one with short brown hair and evil smirk said. Severus was quiet, so was Kirtida.

"I was the first one here, if you have a problem, you can go," you said with some nonchalance which you were proud of. Both guys scowled and the brown hair stood up.

"What, you little-"

"Mulciber, keep it down, you're annoying," Severus said with his head buried in a book which came to his hand seemingly out of nowhere. Daggers were still being thrown your way but the guy sat down. This was about to be a very long ride.


	34. Chapter 34

Severus was way too preoccupied with his own business during the holidays to dwell on the pre-summer awkwardness between you and him. When he saw the little dip-shit, his reaction was almost automatic, so he had no time to think about it either. When Daniel left, that was when he was reminded of all the things that happened before. He was so glad when the compartment door opened and someone else entered, that he didn't even complain. He normally would, he liked as few people in his compartment as possible. 

When the person, however, wanted to get friendly, he had no mind to oblige and so, again, he was glad when the door opened and his friends entered. That was until they used their usual mean demeanour and antics against you. It didn't sit well with him but decided to let it go until your big mouth had to make things worse. He didn't have to see Mulciber's face to know what was about to happen if he hadn't intervened. And so he did, as nonchalantly and disinterestedly as he was capable of. 

The ride was quiet for a while until Mulciber nad Avery started to chat about something no too dark and unpleasant but not exactly PG. Once their talk turned to the torturing of Mary Macdonald, the same incident that made Lily so angry two years ago, even he got uncomfortable and squirmish. He chanced a glance your way and saw the barely visible frown as you tried to look interested in the pattern on your skirt. You were failing miserably and he was sure that you're listening to the conversation. It was times like these when he truly hated the fact he couldn't read your mind, only to tell himself moments later that these times are the exact reasons why he gave you the bracelet in the first place.

When he thought of the thing his eyes lowered to your hand, where his present entwined the wrist. He hadn't expected you to wear it so diligently. Somehow the image was delicate and strange feeling emerged from his chest and tried to lift the corners of his mouth. He stopped it before his friends would notice. Well, _his_ friends hadn't noticed but a sound, way too similar to a chuckle, escaped from the girl next to you. 

Severus sent her a nasty glare, but the girl had her head turned to the side, obviously trying to contain her amusement and didn't see it. The most cunning thought entered his mind. If he couldn't read _your_ thoughts, maybe this girl, who apparently knew you well enough, would be of help. He softly probed her mind. It was an interesting journey. She was a talented witch, nothing surprising since she's a Slytherin. She had a strong suspicion of having the gift of sight, that intrigued him even more and he wanted to find out more about her, later. He shifted his focus on searching her mind for some information about you. It didn't take that long, you were apparently a big source of entertainment for this girl and she cared for you dearly so you occupied a significant amount of space in the girl's head. 

He went through the memories and tried to find some sort of arrangement, order. Most people went by the emotional impact, some by timeline. This girl was without any linear order, it was more like a slub or cluster if he was generous and tried to see at least some management of the thoughts. After a long while, he found out why it was like that. Some of the memories weren't memories, but dreams or visions. He realised that after one particular vision popped up. He saw himself in dark robes with an ominous tattoo on his forearm. One that was very familiar to him. 

He lost his purpose and curiousness about you and quickly backed away from the girl's head. He turned his eyes back to the book, only then realising he'd been staring at the girl the whole time he was snooping around her head.

This one detail hadn't escaped your attention, however. Kirtida was looking all relaxed, her eyes closed but Severus was staring at her for good half-an-hour. Once you saw him drop his eyes back to the book, you turned to Kirtida. A very small mischievous smile you were accustomed to by then, played on her lips and the next moment she opened her eyes to look first at Severus and then at you. Her smile grew into a grin when she saw your face and she winked at you with that glint in her eyes, you knew so well.

You had no idea what in Merlin's beard was going on and you wriggled in your seat. The movement didn't go unnoticed by Severus and his eyes were drawn to you. He measured you up and down, trying to identify the source of your obvious discomfort. Unsuccessfully. 

"Sooo," Kirtida spoke for the first time since Severus' older friends came in, "what was your summer like?" she asked you with a mild curiousness but her real intent was to dissipate the peculiar atmosphere in the small space. You were brought back to Earth from your otherworldly musings. 

"I... we went to grandma's," you said with hesitation and forced yourself to not look at Severus no matter what. Kirtida gave you a look you couldn't quite decipher and Severus, though seemingly reading, was paying extra attention.

"The whole summer?" Kirtida asked some more.

"Yeah... my parents..." you stopped and shook your head. "We were there with my mum, it was a ladies-only kind of thing."

"I can imagine," Kiritda said with a faraway look. Meanwhile, Severus was burning with curiosity. He wanted to ask you if you were okay but he was interrupted in his contemplations.

"Snape, have you discovered anything cool during summer?" Mulciber asked and you knew he was asking if you invented some new spells from the Dark Arts range. HE frowned.

"Not much progress. I was... preoccupied elsewhere." Mulciber let out a scoff and Avery just smirked.

Your focus on Kirtida and her summer holidays she was just summarizing for you was gone. You listened in on the other conversation instead. It revolved around some dubious dark stuff and you hadn't even noticed Kirtida stopped talking and with a rather annoyed scoff, followed by a small smile, she closed her eyes and drifted off.


	35. Chapter 35

First three months of the school year were uneventful at best. You enjoyed your new classes due to the excitement and novelty, you tried to keep up with the other ones. There were brief interactions with Severus that gave you no clarity at all about what to do with your feelings or the information you had considering his mother. Your relationship with Kirtida got tighter, Lavender was still avoiding any fun and Vistaria was going out of the dorms every other night. From what you gathered, she still dated that creep, Jacob. The only thing worth mentioning was your growing interest in Divination thanks to Kirtida, though you didn't visit the lessons and the occasional wave, subtle smile or friendly small-talk with Daniel in the Griffindor-Slytherin Potions, DADA and Herbology classes. You never found out what the staring during the train ride meant since Kirtida just shrugged her shoulders each time you brought it up as if she herself had no idea at all and you had no chance, or rather courage, to ask Severus directly.

Severus got briefly distracted by his friends and their fascination with Dark Arts and forgot about the box which kept him preoccupied the whole summer. If he wasn't creating new spells and potion recipes, he was consciously trying to ignore James and Lily, who became Head boy and Head girl of Griffindor and pretty much the talk of the school, while he subconsciously ignored the downright heinous pranks and jokes his 'friends' pulled on those who supported their romance and advertised their fame too loudly and vehemently. And so the time went by until the start of December.

More precisely, the 4th of December, when a student was found, shivering and cold in a Muggle-studies classroom. It wasn't even that cold outside that year but someone thought it a cruel joke or bullying. Until three days later the third-floor corridor was found covered in hoarfrost. These freezing anomalies occurred with more frequency and two days before students were supposed to leave for Christmas holiday, a fourth-year student from Hufflepuff was found, nearly frozen to death. 

The uproar and commotion led many families to retrieve their offsprings for the holidays and even you got two concerned letters, each from one of your parents. You weren't concerned with the peculiar inner weather in Hogwarts as much as with the fact that you received two separate letters from each. Were they not together? You wrote to your mother and tried to both reassure her you're okay and at the same time inquire about her relationship with father. your mother wrote back, saying they were living under one roof, trying to reconnect, but there was still a way to go and expressed her happiness upon knowing your father also wrote to you with concern. 

You were glad to discover your letter at least help the reconciliation and wrote to your father in a similar fashion, so e wouldn't worry. 

To everyone's surprise, no accidents happened during the Christmas holiday and it was as peaceful as it could get. Once again, due to the department of your friends, you and Severus got more time to spend together. You started to associate Christmas with his undivided attention and many amazing moments. And though you were still unsure about sharing your secrets and insecurities with him, you relished in this chance of getting closer to him.

Severus sensed the change too. With his friends gone, his thoughts centred on the jewellery box and his life became full of your calming presence. He was awestruck at times, how you still could do it, how you brought him such peace. He thought before, maybe, it was the presence of an innocent child that made him feel like this, but he couldn't deny you were changing from that child to a lovely girl with more... spice. As soon as he thought the word he banished all and every thought which he deemed too indecent to think about you. Was he getting a late surge of hormones everyone else his age was displaying for the last two years or what?

One of those days you finally asked him about the mysterious box he was so diligently carrying to your Library sessions each and every day.

"Sev, what exactly is that?" you pointed at the wooden thing in his hands.

"It's a jewellery box," he replied with his 'do you have to ask such a stupid question?' face. You went through this with him one too many times and rolled your eyes. Your pointed look made him clear his throat. "It's my mother's," he said quietly and you took a second look at the outwardly uninteresting box.

"Your..." you weren't even able to finish. Severus brushed his fingertips across the lid and you didn't know if you should feel the dread from the newfound information or excitement form the movement which caught your eye. You would definitely dream about that careful, slow stroke which looked like a loving caress for many nights to follow.

"She left it behind before..." he trailed off. "I can't get into the bloody thing!" he said heatedly but not too loudly. No one wanted Mr Thyme and his librarian stare pointed at them. In your overwhelmed state you came to him and softly touched the box.

"I'll help you with it." He studied your face curiously but shook his head with a sigh. 

"There's no point, I've tried everything!"

"Surely...not everything," you said with doubt. It made Severus think of something.

"Well... I never deemed my mother particularly interested in Dark Arts... or even magic itself." You scoffed in your mind at that. "But maybe I should go look for something more... edgy." His voice had this velvety quality with a dark and dangerous undertone and you shuddered involuntarily. He noticed your dazed expression and odd colour in your face and with a tiny wrinkle between his brows, he put his hand to your forehead. 

Your eyes widened at the skin-on-skin contact, which you hadn't had any since you realised your turbulent feelings. Severus frowned deeper and hastily put the box on a nearby table to focus on you.

"You're burning," he said and you gulped, your embarrassment rising with each second. The contrast between your warm face and his cold hands took your breath away. The thunderous beating of your heart drove the blood to your face and ears and made any surrounding noises sound muffled. You were smitten.

"It... it's just your hands. They're always cold," you said with the last pieces of wit and reasoning which didn't evaporate with the heat you felt. It made perfect sense to Severus and so he did the next reasonable thing anyone would do. He placed his forehead on yours.


	36. Chapter 36

Severus had a very concentrated expression on his face, he was lost to his task to determine whether or not you need medical help. In your shock you weren't even able to jerk away from him, you just stared at his face while your inner systems were collapsing from overheating. He frowned and refocused on your eyes, only then realising how close he actually was. He took a hasty step back and cleared his suddenly dry throat.

"We should go to the Hospital Wing, you're having a fever."

The feeble nod was all the answer you gave him, the only answer you were capable of. 

Once you arrived, Madame Pomfrey took you aside to examine you and only when you were out of Severus' earshot you turned to her earnestly.

"Actually, madame, I'm not sick," you whispered and watched her reaction, which was something between annoyance and anger.

"What do you mean, Ms Y/L/N?"

"I... well, Severus thought I had a fever but... I was just... ehm... embarrassed?" you piped out and fidgeted uncomfortably on the spot you were standing at. Poppy Pomfrey felt nostalgic as you reminded her of her own younger years. She gave you a knowing smile.

"Well, then Miss, you'd better leave and not keep me from work any longer," she said with a fake stern voice and though you could tell she was amused, you quickly left with a "Yeas, madam, thank you."

"So?" Severus asked once you came to him. His inquisitive eyes searched for answers.

"No worries, I'm as healthy as I can be," you said with a huge grin.

"But you were very warm, are sure, is she sure?" he asked and turned his gaze in the direction of the healer. Once his eyes left you, you were able to at least restart your brain again and think of something.

"It's... it's a girl thing," you whispered and hoped he would ask no more but apparently, he wasn't close enough with girls to know that no guy pries about the 'girl thing'.

"What girl thing?" he asked quite innocently and his frown only deepened now with confusion. You face got beet red and you had to breathe in and out deeply to calm your nerves.

"Severus! For Merlin's pants! Don't ask about that!" you hissed at him with dismay. It dawned at him then. He had this one very uncomfortable talk with Lily about 'girl problems' and it only then occurred to him it could be the same thing. He felt a heat rush to his face and turned away from you. He also realised how you were still a little girl in his eyes because it didn't even cross his mind you could already have these... 'problems'. He had to clear his throat once again to ask his next question.

"How exactly does temperature relate to... that?" You dug your metaphorical grave, which made you want to actually do it.

"It. Just. Does," you gritted through your teeth, each word a small threat, a dare for him to question you about it. Severus got the not so subtle hint and asked nothing more. You calmed down a bit and with a sigh, you looked at him.

"She said there was no need to worry," you tried to settle his worries some more.

_____

The next few days were awkward and even when the holidays ended, there was still something uneasy in the air when you were with Severus. 

Each day you grew more afraid what was inside the mysterious box he tried to open, each day your resolve to tell him about what happened between your parents weakened. You were so scared of losing him, you were driving him away.

This new demeanour didn't go unnoticed by Severus, even though his mind was also otherwise occupied. He was staring at you, sometimes many minutes straight and slowly becoming aware, you were, well, growing up. It's not like he hadn't noticed that before, he was no idiot. He just never _noticed_ before. His eyes were drawn to particular parts of your growing body they hadn't ever been interested in before. Whenever he found himself in such a state, he quickly tried to ban those thoughts in his head. Only for them to come back moments later.

Though you were not able to get rid of the uneasiness, you were meeting regularly even after the holidays which made you jump in joy and cower in fear at the same time. Severus was growing more reserved with each meeting and tried to avoid any long stares. You were both very cautious to not have any skin contact again.

______

As soon as the students came back, the strange weather in Hogwarts returned. Every now and then there was some frozen corridor, classroom or chilled student and everyone was getting more concerned and disquieted. That led to some new rules and regulation about students' movement in Hogwarts. You thought, much like last time, you and Severus would eventually cease to meet up after holidays but you kept on meeting each other. Then you thought, maybe, the new restrictions would do it. They didn't. As much as you were schooling yourselves around each other, the desire to meet persisted in both of you.

It was during this time that you were stopped on your way to the Great Hall by none other than Lily Evans.


	37. Chapter 37

"Lily?" you asked uncertainly when the girl stepped in to block your way very purposefully. 

"Y/N, hi," she said with carefully and slowly as if she had to think about each syllable. You had no idea how to react. It was so long ago you two spoke the last time. You already forgave her her odd behaviour which severed your ties. But a different kind of grudge was on your mind. This was, after all, the girl Severus loved.

"Hi. What do you want?" you asked with plain voice, no intention to be friendly but you tried to keep yourself from being hostile. Lily sighed and in her head, she admitted she deserved the treatment and even thanked whatever higher power that you were being civil.

"I want to apologize. I realise that my behaviour wasn't the best. Admittedly it was quite bad, especially towards you, since you had done nothing wrong."

You listened to her and recalled the story Severus told you about how they parted ways in bad blood. 

"Lily, I'm not angry about that anymore."

The odd way you said that made her pause after the first wave of relief.

"Then what are you angry about?" she asked.

"I don't like how you're treating Severus." You slapped yourself in your head. Why exactly did you try to make them reconcile? It wouldn't exactly benefit you.

"Severus did-"

"I know what he did, Lily, and he's terribly sorry. It was one mistake. How can you forgive James for being a bully for five years and date him but not Severus, your childhood friend?" your voice raised at the end and Lily looked surprised and, to tell the truth, a bit ashamed.

"I love him," she whispered after a while, looking intently into your eyes. You could feel the intensity with which she proclaimed the statement. "Don't we forgive those we love easily?" she asked.

"We do," you whispered. "But that only confirms that you didn't love Severus, not even as a friend."

You were both quietly measuring up each other.

"You appear to do. Love him, I meant," she said, dodging your question.

"That's right, I do. I loved him from the moment we met. I loved you too. You were my friends."

Lily scoffed at that. 

"But in the end, Y/N, you chose him over me, because you love him as more than a friend, am I right? Just like I love James and I would choose him over Severus, over you, over anybody."

You frowned. She was right. You would choose Severus over her. Over your other friends. 

"I may understand your motives, but as you said, I'm choosing Severus."

Lily nodded. "I'm not here to friends again, to be honest. I just admit my mistake and wanted to apologize."

You nodded back at her.

"Good luck at the N.E.W.T.s," you said and left her. Yes, you two would never be friends but you could understand...maybe tolerate each other. Except for the fact that you were still jealous of her and her perfect body and perfect hair and perfect smile which made Severus fall completely in love with her. You couldn't help yourself but shove through the crowds a bit more aggressively that morning.

______

In the afternoon of the same day, you were meeting up with Severus in the Library and simply couldn't help yourself to be slightly irritated. 

Severus was going through some Herbology book but he sensed your short temper right after meeting you. Instead of your usual cheery greeting, you hmmed at him with a curt nod. You still hadn't spoken unless he asked something and your answers were as short as possible.

Enlightened by your talk in the Hospital Wing, he didn't dare to ask where does your irritation come from and so he just studied.

Your mind was going in wicked circles about all the stuff that could completely break the fragile relationship you had with Severus. If there only was a way to strengthen it. A voice in your head, sounding suspiciously similar to Kirtida's, was telling you that there _was_ a way to do it. You raised your eyes from the SOAR homework and looked at Severus. You were staring. 

Severus noticed your eyes on him and first he didn't find it strange as you were both used to looking at each other but after a minute of your intense stare, he shot his eyes to yours.

"You're staring," he stated matter-of-factly. You definitely were.

"I love you," you blurted out in a surge of feelings that raised in your chest when you heard his velvety baritone, which got only deeper since last year, you noted.

Severus didn't move a muscle, his whole body was stoic while all his energy relocated to his busy brain. He tried to calm himself down but he watched as you got red in the face and flustered and it didn't help calm down his nerves. The opposite. The last time and also the first time you told him that, you were easygoing, the atmosphere was calling for it and most importantly Severus didn't think much of it. This time it came out of nowhere, you were nervous and squirmy and he had been suppressing his newly awakened primal urges towards you for over a month. 

"Sorry, that came out of nowhere," you said with a warm face and quiet voice as you were also in shock. Your voice brought Severus back to the present and he cleared his throat.

"No, that's... okay. I..." he wasn't sure what to say. He ruminated on how to finish that sentence with a frown and his eyes turned to the ground.

You felt tears in yours but willed them to not spill and blinked several times to get rid of them.

"Sev," you started and tried to reign your own voice, "you don't have to... You don't need to say anything. It's not like I want to force those words out of you. I just... I guess I wanted to let you know how I feel so you won't forget."

This all made sense in your head and you started to calm down. Severus looked back at you and his brows furrowed. You thought it was to determine whether to believe those words or not but Severus had different reasons. He saw your glassy eyes and a sad smile. He didn't like it, it laid uncomfortably on his chest and he realised no-one had ever talked to him so sincerely. You couldn't hold his gaze any longer and your eyes shifted to the small wooden table in front of you.

He knew at that moment that he had to say something and his mind wandered to the first time you told him you liked him, loved him. He stood up from the armchair and went to the chair and table you sat at. He took your hand to make you look at him as he squatted down to your eye level. You watched this very untypical move for him with interest while your eyes were connected and it immediately spurred your imagination as to where else he could go slowly down while holding your gaze. Your eyes widened and you pushed the thought out.

"Y/N, you are my favourite person," he said sincerely and you thought back to when you told him those words. It made you teary again because you knew what he tried to convey. You were dear to him, you were the closest one to him, yet he wasn't sure if he loved you. In the rational part of your brain, you knew he had problems with expressing and maybe even recognising his emotions and feelings. It was highly probable that he did love you at least as a friend. But your heart was still a little broken when he didn't return those words and the smallest seed of doubt was planted.

Would he ever return your feelings?


	38. Chapter 38

It was so awkward after that, you couldn't even say anything but at the same time, you thought that there would be no time like today to say the rest. To get it all off your chest.

"Sev, there's... there's something I have to tell you," you whispered, barely audibly from the fear you felt. You felt his hand squeeze yours in encouragement and he was watching you calmly.

He wasn't calm at all. He had no idea what other surprises from you he could take. His eyes focused on the hand he held. So small, so fragile. Without even being fully aware of what he's doing he took your hand to his mouth and kissed it lightly as his eyes closed to relish in the feeling of your soft warm skin beneath his lips. He snapped out of it only o feel a surge of excitement in his chest.

You were just about to open your mouth again when Severus move your hand and kissed it. You were not prepared for that and in your mind, you yelled at him for not playing fair. For giving you so much hope when he couldn't deliver. For confusing you. For making you forgive instantly no matter what... You couldn't help yourself this time and started to cry.

Severus, still on his excitement wave, looked up at your tearstained face and his excitement turned to dread straightaway. He let go of your hand and cupped your face, trying to catch the falling tears with his thumbs but failing miserably as your crying only intensified by the action. It made Severus hopeless and distressed. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a figure of Mr Thyme, who came, no doubt, to scold you for being loud as you started to cry a wee bit louder. He turned his head to the old man who was about to open his mouth and shook it as a sign that he shouldn't say anything. The old Librarian squinted his eyes on him and looked at you. He stood there and contemplated what to do but eventually left without saying anything. Severus was surprised by that, he never saw the man give anyone a pass for being louder than he'd like. 

"Shh, squirt. Hey, tell me, what I can do?" he asked affectionately. You heard him and laughed a bit sarcastically.

"Sev, I just told you-. There's nothing you can do, it's not like you have power over who you love or not." You felt as if something inside you twisted when you said those words. You knew it could possibly hurt him but you didn't care. You wanted to make him feel at least a little bad. You were not a good person and a shitty friend at that moment.

Severus winced when you so openly hinted that he doesn't love you. It didn't sit well with him. He couldn't say he loved you, he wasn't sure he did. At the same time, he didn't like it when you said it like that. He was so confused. He never had a problem of knowing himself but this... he sighed.

"Y/N," he whispered your name and dreaded the next words, "you are very important to me. I'm just, I'm confused. I never knew love, no one had ever loved me, or at least no one ever told me. I know I love Lily but since you said you loved me as a friend, I started to think, that maybe it is possible to love someone that way and... I'm just having... some trouble to come to terms with that."

It wasn't the whole truth but it was something. The real reason Severus didn't want to admit he loved you - and there was a significant part of him which knew he did - because he stopped looking at you with the innocent eyes and started to see you as someone of the opposite sex, someone he was getting attracted to. He knew for sure that if he would say he loved you, it couldn't, or rather shouldn't, be as a friend and that scared him more than anything. The mere thought of harbouring any romantic feelings towards anyone other than Lily... felt like abandoning a huge part of who he was. Loving Lily was one of a very few constants on his life. Could he ever admit this to himself?

You were out of words and so tired. His hands were still on each side of your head and combined with the crying it caused you minor dizziness. You felt empty, the words 'I love Lily' ringing in your ears as the worst nightmare and hellish punishment. Suddenly you felt masochistic as if some twisted part of your brain wanted you to sabotage this relationship.

"Kiss me," you said in a whisper but very resolutely. Severus' eyes widened in surprise but his pupils dilated slightly at the thought. He wanted to refuse, his mind told him to refuse but his body moved, buzzing with the same excitement he felt when he kissed your hand and his face was subconsciously getting closer to yours. 

You held your breath in expectancy. You thought he would turn down the request without discussion. He didn't look like he was going to fight. The heartbeat in your chest grew more rapid and thunderous with every second, every millimetre he was getting closer to you.

Wen he got so close you could feel his breath brush against your lips, you put your hand os his shoulders, which were unusually low since he was still squatting next to you, and closed the rest of the distance quickly. 

It took Severus by surprise since he was just about to let go of you and put an end to this whole thing. He quickly changed his mind right back when he felt your lips brush against his in a sweet innocent kiss. He lost his balance from the shock and the fact that he was squatting this whole time and his legs were turning wobbly. His knee hit the floor but he used the movement to get both knees down to change his position from squatting to tall kneeling. He was about to end the kiss and started to back down to sit on his heels but you were nowhere near finished and went down with him. That's how you ended up sitting astride on him.

You heard that small voice of your inner Kirtida to taunt you to get as much out of this as possible. _'You can make him to not forget you,'_ rang in your head. You also found a twisted satisfaction in how it was you he kissed and it was you he was holding at the moment. Not Lily. At the same time, you felt all flustered just by being in this position.

Severus wasn't as much flustered as he was turned on. So much so, actually, that he found you to be in a very inconvenient position and quickly helped you up from his lap. He stood up only moments later and turned from you as quickly as possible, this was getting way too out of his hands. 

In your mutual diversion, you failed to notice a subtle 'click' sound. And so you were both surprised when Severus quickly gathered his books and the jewellery box, which he took by the lid as was his habit by then, and it opened, emptying all its content on the Library floor. You both stared at it in shock.

_____

From what you could tell, the box contained a very thick letter, a bottle, which luckily didn't break and some actual jewellery. 

"What? How?" Severus asked no one in particular in a hushed voice. He kneeled down to pick the jewels and after carefully inspecting each one of them, he put them back to the box. Once his hand grabbed the small bottle and he tried to unscrew the cork, you reflectively grasped his hand to stop him.

"Careful!" you almost hissed at him. You had a pretty good idea of what it could be and if it was what you thought it was you wanted Severus nowhere near it.

Severus got angry at you first for stopping him but after some reasoning and consideration, he had to give you some credit for thinking about the possible consequences. He inspected the bottle from outside. The red hue of the glass made it difficult to discern the colour of the liquid. It was quite dense from what he could tell but also was very translucent.

"It shouldn't be dangerous, I think. It looks a lot like Amortentia, though I can't tell its colour." 

That was exactly what you dreaded.

"The love potion," you said breathlessly. Severus gave you a curious eye. He would be impressed with your advanced knowledge of Potions if he didn't know what a dimwit you were in them. He narrowed his eyes on you.

"How do you know that?" 


	39. Chapter 39

All the colour vanished from your face. There it was, the conversation you feared and avoided for half a year was coming to bite you in the ass.

"I..." you said weakly and gulped down to ease your constricted throat. Severus was looking at you, seeing clearly you knew something about this. His silence fell heavily on your ears and you had to take a deep breath. 

"I have to tell you something," you almost whispered. "We should probably sit down." You motioned with your hand towards the chairs, indicating it would be no short story. Severus nodded and with the box in his hands he went to put it down on the table and sat down, watching you taking the other chair.

"Out with it." His tone was reserved, neither warm nor angry but you knew better. Calm Severus was a step away from the furious one.

"That potion," you said and your eyes moved to the vial in the open box, "is an enhanced love potion." You paused there, contemplating how to continue.

"Enhanced how?" was the question that fell from his mouth, intrigued by the substance.

"No idea, you would have to ask your mother," you answered truthfully and laid the ground for another topic.

"My mother? _She_ made it? She _created_ the recipe?"

You only nodded.

"How do you know all this?" was his next inevitable question.

"She used it on my father, supposedly." Your head hung low, your hands nervously playing with the hem of your robe sleeves as you tried to avoid his fervent stare. 

"What?" he gritted out and his mind was flooded by million new questions. The distress in his voice was evident and you started rumbling.

"I found out this summer, right after I got home actually. My father was beyond himself with anger and he said your mother enchanted him with a potent love potion and he had to spend some time at St. Mungo's to get rid of the effects." At this point, you stopped and chanced a quick glance his way. The confusion and anger and disbelieve and many other emotions were playing behind his eyes, yet his face was stoic. Yes, this was the Severus you knew would explode any second now. "Sev?"

His mind was running high and low. In his frantic chase fro answeres, there was one question that popped up.

"Is that the reason your father was so... gruff when we met at the station last year?" Gruff was an understatement he thought to himself but it was your father he was talking about after all.

"Yes."

"How bad was it?" he asked. "The effects."

"He wasn't very specific. Just that he had to spend a month in the hospital and even then there were some... residue feelings." A tired sigh escaped your lips. "My parents are fighting over it ever since. Seems like my father went to great lengths to pick my mother to be the exact opposite of yours... even nicknamed her Norie so he wouldn't have to call her Elinor... too close to Eileen."

Severus held his breath and take another look at the small vial. He always found his mother shameful for abandoning the magical world for a Muggle, giving up her life, identity. He never imagined her to be a researcher of a sort, experimenter.

"So my mother had a crush on your father once upon a time and decided to feed him with an enhanced love potion?" he asked and the whole thing felt... nauseating if he was honest. It wasn't even ten minutes since you two were on the ground and now he found out his mother had a thing for your father?

"I'm not sure about her intentions. My father thinks of himself more as a guinea-pig, then love interest."

That was a better way to think about it, Severus decided, even if it didn't exactly paint his mother as a good person. He frowned. His mother never showed much love for him. Nor his father. He always thought her to be incapable of such a feeling but maybe... no, she was not in some crazy lifelong love with your father, that was simply not an option.

"Okay, so I'd better be careful around this thing," Severus said with his eyes upon the small bottle. "Why haven't you told me sooner though?" he came back into his inquisition mode. 

You watched him intently and tried to imprint every detail of his face into your memory. There was no way your relationship would survive this. Even you didn't feel all that okay about what his mother did to your father, but you grew up in a happy family at least. Severus on the other hand...

"There's more to the story. My father... wasn't exactly happy about being subdued to such enchantment and... he returned the favour."

This time you were adamant about not letting your eyes leave him, you wanted to study his reaction carefully. First, he frowned. It took a moment for him to clench his jaw as he put two and two together.

"He used it on her too?" he asked. In his head, it would make sense, it would explain why his mother never loved him.

"No," you shook your head, "he cursed her."

The atmosphere was getting heavier with each sentence you two said.

"How?" was his only question.

"Some sort of... servitude curse... I-I don't remember the exact name of the curse but it was something my grandfather invented. Eternal servitude," you remembered the exact words your father wrote to you.

This made even less sense than before. Severus was slowly losing his wits about this situation.

"She got some long kind of treatment in the hospital too, my father was punished and they parted ways ever since," you finished the story, "that's about all I know."

Severus shot you a nasty glare.

"That's about all?" he asked with venom. "It's surely way more than I knew. Have you ever planned on telling me all this?" he hissed at you.

"Sev," you whispered, "I was afraid... I didn't know how to approach the subject. I wanted to tell you, I swear, I just didn't find the courage to do so. The idea that my father might be even partly responsible for how bad your life was... is..." you trailed off with a sob and though Severus was seething with anger, he knew you had a point, at least a tiny one. He also found out that his anger wasn't thick enough to not let your tears to go straight to his heart with a pang. That thought raised more suspicion. Was your love true or was the potion simply strong enough to pass some effects onto the next generation? What about the curse his mother suffered from? Servitude. Could it influence some of his decisions? Could it be the reason he sometimes felt the strong protectiveness where you were concerned? Why you were always around him from the first time you came to Hogwarts? It would definitely explain that uncomfortable feeling he had for the whole day right before you were about to venture out, past curfew, with that sly fox Jacob and his friends. Or even why he was right there when you were bullied by that dunderhead Daniel back in your first year. Could he believe your feelings to be true? Could he even believe his own?

"Maybe I'll find the answers here," he mumbled as he reached out for the thick letter. You barely heard what he said but from the pieces you did, you knew he was about to read the letter in hopes of finding out more. He started reading and you squirmed on your seat nervously.

"Sev... I should go?" you voiced it as a question insecurely. The slow movement of his eyes from the parchment to you made your heart skip a beat and you watched his lips move in and out of his mouth as he was thinking. 

Deep in his mind, Severus knew you were still just a scared little girl, no matter how pretty you were becoming, how you were growing up. At this moment, when you stood before him all vulnerable with red-rimmed eyes and puffed face, that wave of protectiveness washed over him but this time it was closely followed by the doubt and dread that this was all magically induced. He tried to voice his worries.

"Some hexes and curses can go on for generations... aren't you scared of that?" he asked instead of answering you. 

"As in that I love you," Severus flinched at the words, you noticed, "just because of the potion? And you... hang around me because of the curse?" you asked and he nodded. It hadn't crossed your mind.

"I never doubted my feelings for you, if that's what you're asking." He frowned.

"How can you not? Are you just naive or downright ignorant?" Ouch, that one hurt. Your crestfallen face didn't escape his notice but he couldn't help himself. 

"I had a crush on James while knowing you. If I was hexed I would fall in love with you right away, would I not? But I didn't. I grew up to love you, slowly and surely. I didn't fall head over heels for from the moment I saw you, I even loved you as a friend first. From then on I started to fall in love with you too."

You were growing more confident as you argued against his suggestion and if he was being honest, it worked even on Severus. It might have coaxed him to think of your feeling as pure and true, however, it didn't help in his case. The other way around, he was more and more convinced he was under the effect of your father's curse. His jaw clenched and he looked away from you to the letter in his hand. 

"You're right, you should go," he said and you thought your arguments fell short on his ears. It made you ran out in tears as the sound of your heartbreak rang in your ears. Everything was ruined.

_________

In your room, you fell on your bed and cried and cried and not Vistaria nor Kirtida were able to console you. Vistaria gave up quickly but Kirtida stayed with you, closed the curtains around your bed and draw soothing circles on your back. You were never so happy to have her.

"Hey, dinner time started. Let's put some food into you," she said after some time passed by. The weak shake of your head was the only response you were capable of then. She sighed at that and tried once more.

"C'mon, Y/N, you have to eat. Whatever happened, it's not worth an empty stomach."

 _Wrong_ , you thought and frowned and still refused to go anywhere.

"I swear to Hippogryph, if you won't come out for a dinner I'm gonna have a talk with Snape for you," she threatened and you straightened to the sitting position at the mention of his name. 

"How did you...?"

"Oh, please! As if there would be any other reason for all this," she said and motioned towards you. "And you were with him before you came back, crying a river, one doesn't have to be a genius to find out who's responsible."

"It's not his fault," you defended him weakly and heard a snort.

"Yeah, his fault or not, you're going to eat something. Sweets are the best soldiers to fight with depression and sadness. Whatever's on your mind, you'll feel better after putting some calories down your throat. And trust me, you'd better do it yourself before _I will_!"

The corner of your mouth twitched at her antics but you knew she was just worried about you and so, unhappily, agreed to go. 


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a long time ago I was promising some background for Severus' mother and here it comes. It's super depressing and angsty and hurtful, just be warned. Also, there are some references to the older chapters, so if you're not sure you remember the story well and have time to reread, I would advise you to do so because I tied some ends from the older chapters and explained some things and motives for past actions.

Severus went through the letter in his hands. It surprised him that it was addressed to him, from his mother. He frowned because it meant, she wanted him to find it. 

_Dear Severus,_

_if you're reading this, it means I'm probably gone from your life and you may have inherited a curse from me._

Severus stopped breathing for a moment, so it was true. After regaining his senses he proceeded with reading.

_This box was to be unlocked only if you found yourself in a situation where you'd listen to someone else's command uncertainly or downright unwillingly._

Severus thought about how the box opened after he kissed you. Someone else's command. _Kiss me,_ rang through his head softly. His eyes stopped at _uncertainly or downright unwillingly._ Oh, he wasn't unwilling at all. Uncertain? Yes. But not unwilling. The memory of the kiss made him hot all over again and he had to reign himself in to continue.

_Do not be alarmed yet, maybe you just had a bad day at work and had to do something you didn't want to. Or are you still at school? Anyway, there's no need to panic yet, but I thought you deserved to know about the... possibility. I was cursed by Tobias Y/L/N during my school years to Eternal servitude. It is, to my understanding, a very rare and unstudied curse. In my case, it was probably enhanced by my affection towards the man._

Severus took a deep breath. There it was, that flip of his stomach as if he was looking at something disgusting.

_I was bound to the hospital bed, quite literally, to not go near him, I was obsessed. The feeling, the need, to be where he is, was out of the ordinary. I would like to spare you the details of the horrors I underwent to get the curse under control, if lucky, you won't have to know for yourself._ _When I got better and came back to school, the urges intensified again and I had to take other precautions. One of them is in the vial in this box._

_Now, if you were wondering why I was cursed in the first place, blame the young girl's heart. I was never graced with good looks or any other attractive qualities, which I'm sad to say, you inherited from me. I was, however, a skilled Potioneer and so, in my darkest moments, I created a stronger version of Amortentia and slipped a few drops into Tobias' drink. After doing so, I felt horrible, especially since they had to take him to the hospital too and so, during my detention hours, I was concocting an antidote. Reverse potion. Loveless potion, which you now possess._

Severus dropped the letter to look at the vial, sitting innocently in the box. So it wasn't the cursed love potion but an antidote. For a moment, Severus wondered, if he should drink it to find out if his confusing feeling for you are true but he was rarely a hasty dunderhead and so he kept on reading. Thankfully.

_Be warned, my son, the potion doesn't just nullify the effects of a love potion, it would make you completely loveless. I know from experience. Though I was never able to give it to Tobias, I kept it and when the symptoms of my curse were coming back as I came to Hogwarts again, I used the potion on myself in hopes that getting rid of my feelings towards the man would lessen the curse's effect on me. It worked to a certain extent but the price is steep. I was never able to love again and as of now, I'm convinced it's due to the potion. My life became an empty existence filled with running away from the curse._

_You surely noticed your father's name is the same as of that person. That's no coincidence. I chose a Muggle, who wouldn't find out about the curse with the same name and rough temperament to counter the curse, to tame it down. I listened to your father's commands most of the time, it relieved the urges of going to that man and do his budding. Thankfully, your father never found out about the power he held over me but he was no fool. He used the fact that I listened to him diligently to his advantage._

Severus was seething with anger. His mother's irresponsible behaviour infuriated him, your father played a not so small part in his life's misery and he felt like he would never be the same after this. Also, he couldn't shake the feeling his mother was hinting at some sexual abuse in the last sentence which made his blood run cold. 

_Now, Severus, you have to determine how serious are your needs to obey others and if you're willing to live this kind of life. Maybe it won't work on you at all since it's against love and not the curse. You are a skilled wizard so maybe you'll be able to enhance the potion or create some counterspell of your own. Maybe you'll be able to trade it with Tobias for a counter spell - I don't even know if he has such a thing, I avoided the man at all cost. Maybe you won't even need it and you're not affected at all. You'll have to find out for yourself._

_I honestly never planned on having children, for I knew their life with me would be more of a punishment, especially with your father added to the mix, but I became very proud of your magical progress and a part of me was joyous upon seeing you defy your father and protect me before he was obliviated. It gave me some hope, that you would not be cursed the same way I was._

Severus stopped to think about that. He never felt any urge to follow his father's commands, he followed them out of fear to get hurt and only when he grew older and more confident did he dare to defy him. He tried to recall the feeling he had before he pulled out his wand against his father if he felt some sort of hesitation. He wasn't sure. But then again, would it prove anything? It was still his father, feeling hesitant to attack him shouldn't be wrong or unusual. 

The part about his mother not wanting children only steeled his belief she was being raped by his father. He recalled the fear, the horror he saw sometimes in his mother's eyes when his father was at his worst. He never knew why sometimes she accepted his beatings willingly but other times looked like she would run any minute soon. The thought made him shiver. Disgusting. Hateful. Another memory resurfaced. This one of you, standing with that same face on your face as you watched him punish that little piece of shit, Daniel in your first year. Severus hated to go back to that memory. He rarely apologised to anyone but seeing you with that terrified face, the face his mother sometimes made, prompted him to say sorry to you even if he barely knew you. He hated himself for that and felt like he couldn't escape his father's nature, that he would inevitably become like him. 

Now that he knew why his mother made that face, he felt twice as guilty for making you feel so terrified. Surely, he wasn't hurting you in any way but he scared the eleven-years-old you as much as his father frightened his mother before she was about to get... he couldn't even think about it anymore. He couldn't think about anything anymore. You, your parents, his parents. It was all so complicated, so messed up. With a shaky exhale his eyes turned to the finishing lines of the letter.

_I hope you'll be well and pave your own path through life with no interference._

_Yours,_

_Mother_

He put the letter down but then noticed there was another parchment he didn't read. He looked at it with curiosity. The letter ended, that much was obvious so what was this about?

_I'm writing this in a hurry and I hope you'll forgive me for banishing you from the house initially, it was with your safety in mind. Eventually, I thought it wiser for me to go and let you live there, though alone. Trust me, please, it's with the best intention in mind. No matter what, don't look for me, Severus, the times are dark and they are getting darker still. I also wrote down the preparation of both the loveless potion and enhanced Amortentia. It could be useful in further research if you'd be interested. Be careful._

It was written in haste, so much he could tell from the writing and indeed, at the end of the letter was some sort of description of potion-making. This letter confused him greatly and made no sense to him but he was sure of one thing, after the day's revelations, he could no longer hate his mother. After he read the instructions, he was even impressed with her and her ability to make them short and to the point, yet conveying all the important points.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couldn't help myself but write another small smut chapter so today you get a double treat 🤩😏
> 
> Enjoy it if your into it 😉
> 
> And leave a comment please 😁❤️

**YET ANOTHER SMUTTY CHAPTER, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT ;)**

Severus' mind was swirling with all kinds of questions after he came to his room from the Library. He laid in his bed, his mind so preoccupied he hardly even noticed he skipped dinner and that it was nigh time already.

Right before his eyes closed from the exhausting ruminations about his predicament and the letters he just read, his mind went to that kiss you shared and the feeling of your weight on his legs.

When he woke up the next morning, he had no memories of any particular dreams but he woke up to the well-known uncomfortable tightness between his legs and surely, when he looked down he had an exemplary case of a morning hard-on.

He groaned with frustration. This hadn't happened in some time, he could still remembered some of his early teenage dreams as his hormones got the better out of him. 

He rose up from the bed and made a bee line for the lavatory. Luckily he was the last one up, obviously missing on breakfast time since no one was in his dorm room.

He shut the door after him and grabbed himself to relieve the pressure. He groaned and grunted as his hand moved up and down his shaft. He closed his eyes and thought of the sweet smile, kind eyes and red hair which made him twitch in his hand. He was used to getting relieved this way but soon enough his routine was interrupted by the bittersweet taste of black tea with milk, the taste of your lips from the previous day. Shortly after, he felt your thighs enveloping his as you straddled him. Then he saw the memory of your glistening eyes and all of that triggered his imagination to create new fantasy. 

He almost saw you straddling him again as you shifted your hips teasingly above him. He imagined how he would kiss you hungrily and you would have to gasp for air after he was finished with you. He could feel your thighs under his palms as you slowly sank down upon him. He made a long languid movement with his hand around his member to match his fantasy and moaned deeply at it.

He took his slow time with himself as he would with you to enjoy the feeling properly. Then he picked up the speed and imagined you moan his name in a breathless whisper. He would get even faster and rougher until your eyes get glassy and you scream his name out of pleasure when you finally reach your orgasm and your walls spasm around him.

He was near finished and as a last drop of his fantasy, he pictured you lean to his ear and tell him you loved him while panting from the exertion. That got him over the edge and with a groan of your name on his lips, he spilled himself out.

He was a breathy mess when he opened his eyes and after he came down from his high he felt a wave of shame. Then another one of guilt. He just used you as means to masturbate. The sheer horror let the blood drain quickly from _all_ of his limbs and he was standing in the lavatory, leaned against the tiled wall, completely dumbfounded.

There was no telling how long he was like that but he was stirred to presence with a loud growl of his stomach. He didn't eat anything last night and his body wouldn't let him repeat it this morning. He took care of all the sticky mess and tried to clean himself up physically _and_ mentally.

As he was leaving for breakfast his mind replayed the whole kissing scene in his head again. He shook it off and swore on Merlin's pants you'd be a death of him.


	42. Chapter 42

Since the happy bubble, you created around you and Severus burst, you were more receptive to the distress around you. The whole school was in a depressing mood as more and more freezing accidents happened, leaving damage on the property, sometimes harming the student and most of all leaving everyone in fear of the source. Some speculated that, somehow, He-who-must-not-be-named finally breached the school's barriers and got inside. That was currently the most popular opinion as his army grew each day and some odd disappearances occurred. There was a thick veil of fear around the whole Wizarding World.

More and more regulations appeared for the students and their movement around the Castle. Curfew started sooner, the Library closed sooner too. Students were strongly encouraged to not wander the halls aimlessly and never alone. It felt... stuffy. Especially to you and your raw sorrow and heartbreak. 

A week went by before you met Severus again after the big revelation. You practically bumped into each other as you and Kirtida descended the stairs from the Girl's Dormitories and he was pacing around the Common Room with a book in his hand, focusing his entire being upon an Advanced Counterspells book. Kirtida gasped behind you as she barely managed to not bump into you too from how abruptly you stopped.

"Sev?" you whispered, which made Severus look after good three hours of reading and paying no mind to anyone or anything around him. It took him by surprise when he collided with the small body and then heard your voice. 

"Y/N," he said back to you plainly and a bit distractedly, though his eyes were gazing into yours. There was an awkward pause.

"Kirtida, hi, we already had the pleasure," she said from behind you and stretched out her hand towards Severus with a joy which came seemingly out of nowhere. In his confusion, it took him a while to place the girl's face. The train, he recalled and warily grabbed her hand to shake it. 

"Yes, Severus," was his automatic reply. 

"Yeah, I know," Kirtida said with a smirk and you could help yourself to not blush and elbow her in the side. She hissed but her smile didn't waver. Severus watched you both and a question raised in his head. Did you talk about him to your friends? And right after that another one. How _much_ did you talk about? And finally, probably the one that struck him the most: How come he never heard about any of your friends? What did he actually learn about you in these past years? How well did he know you? It was like den breaking and million knew questions flooding his mind. 

"Let's go," you tried to pull Kirtida away after a long silence. Kirtida just shook off your hand and shushed you. _Shushed_ you. The shock on your face quickly turned to a vicious glare in her way. 

"I'd like a word with Severus here," she said innocently but you definitely didn't buy that.

"Kirtida," you gritted through your teeth with a warning in your voice. She just smiled at you.

"I don't mind you staying," she said again with all fake innocence she could muster. "So, Severus, what's your problem?" she asked quickly before you could say anything else and you groaned.

"My-" he tried to ask confusedly but you didn't even give him a chance.

" _He_ has no problem, Kirtida, let's go!" you raised your voice so much that some of the students in the Common Room raised their head or turned your way to see what's going on. 

"What do you mean by _I_ have no problem?" he asked accusingly and at that moment you cursed yourself. Of course, he had a problem. He had plenty, actually. You meant it in a completely different way because you tried to keep Kirtida from questioning him or blaming him for the state you were in the week before. 

"Uuu, intense!" you heard Kirtida with joyous mischief in her voice and when you turned to her with a nasty glare and Severus quirked his eyebrow her way, she shrugged her shoulders. "Just saying, you two are like..." She finished with some frantic and unrecognizable hand signs and movements before giggling like a child on their birthday. Unbeknownst to you, Severus, intrigued by what this silly girl in front of him said, invaded her mind to see a very recent memory which currently replayed in her mind. What he saw made his eyes go wide and he staggered back from the girl a little. She flashed him a somehow knowing smile as if she knew what surprised him so much. Maybe she did, he realised and recalled the first time he probed around her mind. 

You just watched the silent exchange and yet again a small wave of jealousy ran through you but this time accompanied by some worry as you noticed Severus' startled expression. He visibly swallowed emptily and turned his startled expression to you.

"Sev, what-?" but before you could finish he frowned deeply and with a sharp turn of his head he looked back to Kirtida.

"What was that?" he spat out with anger and ferocity. Kirtida's smile vanished but she remained calm. She heard from you that Severus was skilled in Occlumency and in her gut she knew that it applied for being a skilled Legillimens too. Also, the tingling in her head told her, he used it on her just then and so she answered accordingly. 

"A vision."

His eyes burned into her and you had no idea what was going on.

"What-?" you tried to ask again but, yet again you were interrupted by Severus.

"No. That wasn't a vision. That's _not_ my future." He sideglanced at you but quickly refocused on your friend, who was now slightly frowning.

"No, not necessarily... visions don't show the future, but the possibility. But in your case, I'd choose this path if I were you," she said mysteriously and darkly.

"Why? What's the other option?" he asked cautiously but at the same time very angrily. Kirtida just shrugged. 

"Not sure, it's just... a hunch. My hunches are usually correct though."

That was just about it. You were losing patience with this cryptic discussion. 

"Can you tell me what the bloody hell is going on?!" you asked furiously and Kirtida's mischievous smile returned.

"Snape here was snooping around my mind a bit and didn't like what he saw."

Severus frowned and so did you as you looked at him. Probed her mind? Saw something he didn't like? Then it all clicked. He used Legilimency on her and saw one of her visions. The horror on your face made Severus flinch for some reason. 

"Did..." you gulped, "did you ever use it on me?" you asked with your mouth dried and your eyes absolutely terrified of the possible answer. In that particular moment, Severus thanked Merlin, he was so sound of mind to give you the bracelet to stop himself from snooping around your mind.

"No," he answered but saw the disbelief on your face as you squinted your eyes at him. His eyes looked at your wrist and he nodded his head towards it. "That bracelet prevents anyone from doing it. Well, not anyone, but my skills are not advanced enough to... I can't read your mind," he finished. 


	43. Chapter 43

You were exhausted. The month after the uncomfortable encounter in the Common Room you tried to avoid Severus as much as possible, which was suspiciously easy. There was no doubt in your mind he was avoiding you too and since the regulations didn't relent, you practically didn't see each other. Well, at least not in real life. As far as you were concerned, you met him regularly in your dreams. When you didn't dream about him, you fantasised and when not doing that, you drowned yourself in the memories of him. You had it so bad, you became a regular recipient of Kirtida's teasing remarks and she enjoyed the time with you even more than before, having a blast whenever she caught you distracted, which was fairly often.

Severus, though he planned on evading encounters with you, didn't even have time for it. It just so happened since he was preparing for his N.E.W.T.s. Not that he couldn't do them without the extra studying but though he wasn't a nervous person, he wanted to excel and be the best. His ambition drove him to stay late at nights and wake up early just so he could study some more and still have time to find more information about the potion from his mother. 

As April went by you met only so many times, and each time it was awkward and you were just able to smile shyly or wave, to which he usually just nodded. The excitement he felt every time he met you was making him feel peculiar, jittery even. Severus was not a jittery kind of person. It also spurred some other thoughts in his mind which had a bad habit of resurfacing at nights right before he went to sleep and then the following mornings as if his mind was preoccupied with the thoughts the entire night. It made him feel hot one moment and creepy the next as if he could crawl out of his skin. Was he mental or what? He could rationalise in his head that with is upbringing there was a huge possibility he wasn't right in the head. 

As May arrived, he thought deeply if he should come to find you on your birthday. Two parts of him fought inside his head as to what his next course of action should be. He had close to no time to buy you anything and there was some possibility that you may not want to see him. Then again, his other half argued, you celebrated his birthday earlier that year and he recalled the freezing morning of 9th January. 

_It was a week after all the annoying students came back from their holidays and Severus was woken up early by a loud sound. His idiotic roommate dropped something heavy, he didn't even notice what it was. Already awake, he showered and clothed to read in the common room before breakfast. He had a calm half-an-hour of reading before he felt someone put hands on his eyes. He froze in his seat before he was ready to fume in anger of someone's silly prank. Until he heard your voice._

_"Guess what day is it today?" you asked._

_"Y/N..." he growled in a clearly annoyed voice, but at the same time, he felt thrilled and surprised that you even touched him. There was this silent agreement between you two to not touch each other since the day you were in the hospital wing together._

_"What day, Severus?" you asked with a playful and fake sternness. He scoffed and tried to shake his head to get rid of your blindfolds but you kept your palms firmly in place. He groaned._

_"I don't know, the day you'll annoy me to death?" he asked mockingly and you smirked. Like that would work on you._

_"Hmm with this tempo it's gonna be the day my arm die from this uncomfortable position and you won't see a thing for a whole day," you tried to provoke him. It worked maybe too well because he forcefully removed your hands with his and turned in his seat to look at you._

_"What's this about?" he frowned and you replied in the same fashion._

_"Your birthday," you sighed with the disappointment from the early ending of your little game. Severus' eyes widened ever so slightly as he realised that it was really his birthday. He never celebrated and deemed it insignificant and unimportant to remember the day. The memory of when he told you and you promised him a celebration resurfaced._

_"Well, you successfully ruined the first part so let's move to the other one," you said enthusiastically with a huge grin. He shifted in his seat._

_"What?" he asked._

_"I have a surprise! I couldn't really think of anything to give you so I prepared a little something for you."_

_He eyed you with suspicion but his curiosity won over eventually. No one had ever cared much for his birthday and he had no idea what to expect other than some congratulatory words and maybe a present._

_"Okay," he said and stood up._

_"Great! Go change yourself into something warmer! We'll meet here in ten minutes!" you said quickly and went upstairs to the Girl's Dormitory before he could stop you and ask what was this all about again._

_Severus was still baffled by this but when you met in ten minutes, he was ready for whatever you had prepared for him. You took him by the hand, not worried about skin touch since you had mittens on and practically grabbed Severus outside to the frozen lake._

_"Let's go, Sev! Before everyone else will come!"_

_He had no idea what was going on but as he eyed the direction you pulled him to and his eyes found pairs of skate blades on the ground he stopped abruptly._

_"No way," he said with terror in his eyes. You turned to him, still smiling._

_"Oh, come on! I even woke up early so there'd be no people around! So you wouldn't get embarrassed once you slip up and bump your ass," you giggled and if looks could kill, you'd be dead at that moment._

_"I'm not ice-skating," he gritted through his teeth._

_"Sev, don't be a killjoy!"_

_"No matter what you'll call me, you won't make me step onto a slippery solidified water which could crack under you to get you wet and cold and most likely dead."_

_Well, when he put it like that. You frowned._

_"But I have no real present for you and promised to celebrate with you," you said somberly. He thought about it and with a groan he said._

_"How about you let me watch you skate. I guess you wouldn't drag me here if you were no good at it." You blushed at that._

_"I've never been, actually. I thought it would be fun to this for the first time together," you said sheepishly and Severus was astounded by the foolish bravery which somehow managed to warm his heart. The anxiety on your face made him do something he would normally never do and he would scold anyone who would try to do such a thing to him. He made a snowball and threw it right at your face. He couldn't help the chuckle which escaped him upon seeing your dumbfounded and disbelieving expression. You turned to him with squinting eyes._

_"So this is how you want to play?" you said teasingly but dangerously. It made his stomach flip right before a load of snow fell on his head seemingly out of nowhere. The swift movement of your wrist gave away your not so subtle usage of a wand. Severus couldn't believe you would play so dirty but he wouldn't lose to that and pulled out his own wand to return the favour._

_"You're not the only one who can play like this," he said with a smirk._

_You spend the whole morning outside until you were both wet and cold, laying on the snow as you made a snow angel and Severus simply watched you with ridicule._

_"Let's get back to the warmth or we'll catch our death out here. We probably even missed breakfast," he said eventually._

_"Hmm, let's go. And worry not for the breakfast. It's your birthday, so obviously, I made you a cake. Might not be as nutritious but better than go on with the day on empty stomach," you said happily as you practically jumped up from the ground._

_"A cake?" Severus asked, not comprehending what's going on._

_"Well, sure, why not. I couldn't get you anything so I asked Vistaria if some of her older friends could get me the ingredients from Hogsmead. It's not exactly a baked masterpiece due to the conditions... I mean there's nothing like a furnace or... what was the Muggle invention? Oven?"_

_He watched you rumbling but smirked at the end. "Yeah, oven."_

_You two went inside the Castle and though the cake was far from perfect, he got no gift and instead got a cough for the next three days, it had been the best birthday Severus ever had._

There was no way he wouldn't at least write you a birthday card and that's what he went to do, though in the evening it felt inadequate and he chided himself for not doing more, though during the day he felt it would be extremely weird to do anything else. He reminded himself of how unsettling it was for him to find out his mother actually fell for your father and that calmed down his guilt and he could go to sleep easily.

You were, on the other hand, thrilled to receive the card since you didn't expect anything at all. It made your day and you knew exactly what your birthday wish would be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I leave it up to you what exactly your wish would be 😉


	44. Chapter 44

Severus just went from the Library back to the Commons but stopped abruptly once came off the stairs leading down to the dungeons. The whole corridor was frozen. Few Gryffindors and Ravenclaws stood in front of the Potions classroom with Professor Slughorn looking around to see the damage done to the property as no student appeared to be harmed.

"The class is cancelled, go back to your Common Rooms," he said after a while and the students in front of his classroom started to move carefully across the slippery floor. Severus stood to the side to let them pass so he could peacefully and what more safely cross the corridor leading to his Commons. Just as the crowd cleared a bit he saw you and that dunderhead, Daniel, in a hug. He felt frozen over first as if all the blood from his body disappeared. But right in the next instant, he felt a powerful rage and his head was overheating which could be the only explanation as to why he quickly stormed off without a care for the frozen floor and almost mad an utter fool of himself as his feet wavered slightly on the fourth step up.

_____

You were just running late for Transfiguration and took a sharp turn to the corridor leading to the stairs leading to the upper levels of the Castle. One moment you were slipping on a very slippery floor and the next you felt someone holding onto you right before you could even yell from the sudden loss of balance. You half expected Severus as it would be just like you two to meet this awkward way but the feeling was a bit odd and when you looked up, you saw the face of your enemy-turned-someone you can be civil with. Daniel looked at you with a sheepish grin.

"Hey, careful there," he said and you slightly blushed at the embarrassment you felt. The next reaction was a careful awareness which always resurfaced whenever the boy appeared in front of you. 

"I better be. Another freezing hell?" you asked conversationally as you took in the surroundings.

"Looks like it," he said and then got a bit too close to you to whisper conspiratorially. "Maybe you could use it as an excuse for being late."

Your eyes widened as you recalled why you were in a hurry in the first place. 

"Right, thanks for the tip," you said and scurried off, more carefully this time.

_____

N.E.W.T.s were getting closer and closer and Severus simply couldn't wait to get out of this school and never come back. Since he saw you with that imbecile in the corridor he was in a bad mood. That in itself wasn't such a big deal but the implications of it were annoying Severus immensely. Why the hell was he so bothered by that? Each time he asked himself such a question, the vision he picked out of your friend's head popped up in his. It made him even more irritated and thus the infinite wheel of questions and irritating answers went on and on in his head. 

He tried to study, tried to think of something else. He often hung around Mulciber and Avery and they thought about how they'd join the Dark Lord on his quest for blood-purity. After the letter from his mum, Severus was convinced more than ever that his after was a piece of garbage and during these last months in Hogwarts he started to think of all the Muggles as such. 

He met you a week before the N.E.W.T.s and it almost looked like you were waiting especially for him. Severus scoffed at that idea in his head, though he felt like a petulant child the next second. How childish could he be?

"Hey, Sev," you greeted him with a shy smile and he noticed your nervous trait of fumbling with your sleeves. Before he could reply anything to that you continued. "I know we're not exactly on speaking terms right now but..." you gulped down the uncomfortable dryness in your throat. You waited in the Commons for him, knowing he had to go through them _sometime_. During this time you two spent apart, you tried to come up with what you'd say to him, once you'd confront him. There were so many things but you could recall only two things at the moment.

"What?" he asked coldly when you didn't speak for a long time. His eyes were boring into you and flinched slightly.

"I just wanted to wish you luck in the upcoming N.E.W.T.s," you got out of your mouth defeatedly. 

"I don't need such a thing as luck," he almost growled at you. Your current demeanour was really getting on his nerves. How dare you act all shy and innocent. He knew better than to fall for that.

"Sure," you whispered, frightened by his aggressive response. That went even worse than you expected. 

"Since that all..." he trailed off and was about to leave when you said nothing more. The sudden panic made you grab him but he quickly broke loose and turned to you with a furious scowl.

"What?!" he barked out and knew he was being unreasonable and that he might have gone a little too far when he saw a single tear fall on your face.

"Thanks for the birthday card," you quickly whispered and ran off before you'd lose it right there in the middle of the Common Room. 

Severus closed his eyes tightly and probably for the first time in his life he wished to just punch into something. The thought was surprising even for himself. Normally, when dealing with haphazard emotions, he would sit down and in his silent fury, he would think of new spells or potions to get back those who caused him pain or suffering. This time he was frustrated. He didn'T want to take revenge on you, not even in his head, yet you upset him so damn much!

_______

You ran to your room after the short encounter with Severus and just went straight for your bed. This time you were of a sound mind to enclose the curtains around your bed to have at least some resemblance of privacy. None-the-less, it took about five to ten minutes, before someone intruded on your spill of sadness. With a raised head you expected to see Kirtida but to your surprise it was Vistaria.

"Hey," she said carefully and sat down on your bed. You were in no state to oppose her, you just felt broken. "I saw you and Snape... downstairs. Sometimes guys suck, hm?" 

The tone with which she said picked your interest.

"You and Jacob?" you asked, glad that there was at least something distracting you. Vistaria sighed with a sad smile.

"He's crazy," she just said with a shrug. "I'd better focus on my Quiddich training. I lost two years thanks to that whacko." That made you smile a bit.

"I never liked that guy," you said with a frown.

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry it cost us our friendship. Though, to be honest, I don't like your taste in men either," she said with a grimace. You smirked with few more tears breaking free from your eyes. 

"Yeah, I know."

You both talked and ranted about boys and though you didn't feel _good_ afterwards, you felt better than before. 

_______

The day for you to leave Hogwarts came and you were just about to board the Hogwarts Express when you saw Severus out of the corner of your eye. You turned your full attention to him and to your surprise he was also looking at you, his expression somehow solemn. The breath hitched in your lungs and your heartbeat wavered when you saw him looking at you with his face clear of any anger or resent. It had been some time since you saw it like that.

Severus held your gaze a little longer and a million questions ran through his mind. He shut them all up and locked them somewhere deep down. So deep, not even he would be able to scrape their surface. He decided to join the Dark Lord and no thoughts of you, Lily or his mother would prevent him from it. 

You watched him turn from you and a chilling feeling ran right through you. It was possible this was your last time seeing him. The terrifying thing was, though, that you didn't want to run to him and hug him. You didn't want to make up with him and make him write to you so you wouldn't lose contact. It was right then that you realised you gave up on your love for him and the emptiness you felt afterwards, wouldn't be filled easily, if ever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay... the dark time begins. If any of you my dear readers have a problem with depression or some violence, please be careful when reading the next few chapters I'm about to write. I'll inform you in a note when things are about to get better so until you read a note at the beginning of a chapter that everything is going back to being okay-ish you can presume it's kinda dark.


	45. Chapter 45

The way back to London went by far too quickly. Your head felt empty, yet full of memories passing by. All those who had Severus in them were locked away in the deepest darkest corners of your head and... heart. As you neared civilization, the focus of your thoughts changed to your parents. Their replies to your letters were wage at best, sometimes you were ignored completely. You had no idea if that was a good thing or not. On one hand, they didn't inform you of any divorce, on the other, they didn't give you much to hope for some kind of normal when you came back home. 

You weren't surprised much to exit the train and find your mother standing alone in the crowd. You came to her with a frown.

"Father?" you asked her. Her timid smile faltered and she inhaled to steady herself.

"I told him not to come. He owes me and I want some alone time with you," she said sternly and you only frowned some more.

"Mother, I don't know much about what's between you two right now, since you didn't even bother to write it to me," you started sharply, "but he's not just your husband, he's also my father. And he'll always be my father. Maybe, next time you're about to decide who has a right to my time, try to ask me, please."

Your mother flinched under your firm stare. You pitied her for a moment because you knew other things were bothering you and she became a target for your anger. 

"You want to see your dad?" she asked carefully with a notable hint of coldness. 

"Of course I want to see him," you said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world... which honestly, it was! You haven't seen your father for a year. "I spend my whole last summer with you, I haven't seen him for Merlin knows how long."

"Sure. True."

With that, she turned to leave and you went after her. The time you two spent together was a long quiet minute before you got to the Floo Network and went home. And so started the worst summer holiday yet.

\--------

Severus didn't waste much time and soon enough he found himself at home with a burning tattoo on his forearm. He felt a bit disappointed. There was no thrill, no excitement. He felt dead inside even in the presence of the most fearsome Wizard in the world, which was to his great advantage though. The Dark Lord, in his sadistic nature, had a very unpleasant recruitment ritual, which consisted of a very detail scan through one's mind. Severus was so empty, the Dark Lord couldn't find anything other than frustration and rage on his little tour through Severus' mind. He noticed, though, there was an impenetrable wall in his head. So strong, not even He could get past it, which intrigued him greatly. Severus passed with flying colours and far less psychological damage than Mulciber or Avery did. For a fleeting moment, Severus felt proud of himself but the void inside came quickly afterwards.

Soon he found himself obeying whatever Dark Lord's command, just to feel a bit of that pride swelling inside him. Just to get closer to his ambition of reforming the world he lived in. In his chase after this little dream, he failed to notice he became an obedient servant.

\--------

Your household was eerily quiet. The news about Dark Lord's aggressiveness was becoming far too serious. The Daily Prophet was writing daily about new victims to his rage and delusional ways o thinking. Your parents were still wary of each other but they probably thought it better to stick together at these dark times. 

"Not that I care all that much about Muggles but he's targeting Witches and Wizards. Mudbloods or not, they are our people," you heard your father say once. The words 'our people' stuck in your head for some reason. What was the meaning of that? The Muggle-borns were having Muggle parents. How can you accept someone and care for them but not spare a second thought about their parents... without even knowing the people. You were prompted to say something but since your mother came in and slightly agreed to that, the words stayed in your head. There weren't many things those two agreed upon these days and you didn't want to break the fragile understanding and balance between them.

In the middle of all that's been going on, you felt suffocated. The only thing that got you through each day, was reading and rereading letters from Kirtida and some from Vistaria. Your somehow renewed friendship was the only good thing that happened to you in a long time. The whole summer went in a blur almost as if you were watching someone else's life but wasn't even part of it.

\--------

Once you were at the platform 9 3/4, you quickly hugged your parents with a sense of relief you could leave the suffocating atmosphere in the house. Every other summer, your parents were busy with work, flying all around the world on their chase for old long-forgotten spells or some magical trinkets. No one was sending them anywhere this time. They were not used to sit calmly in the house and with the whole situation... it was a nightmare come true.

The sense of calmness you felt when you saw Vistaria and Kritida wait for you was like a cure for your shaken nerves. 

"Girl, you look even worse than when we separated here before summer," Vistaria whispered to your ear as you two hugged each other. You could even smile at that, you felt worse. When you pulled out of the hug, you looked at Kirtida and noticed she, too, wasn't her previous bright self. 

"What happened to you?" you asked her carefully but she just shook her head and pulled you not a hug of her own. 

"Don't even ask... my head is exploding."

You looked at her quizzically, once out of her arms. She understood your silent question.

"I can barely close my eyes without some horror dream plaguing my sleep. He-who-must-not-be-named and his band of Death Eaters make me really tired."

The terror in her eyes told you just how much she was bothered by the visions.

"You know, I tried to warn the Ministry, the first time it happened... they came to a crime scene. It's probably that feeling that it's not even useful which haunts me the most," she continued tiredly. You gave her a sympathetic pat on a shoulder and looked at Vistaria, who apparently wasn't so included in Kirtida's special talents. You tried to mimick to her you would tell her on the train.

The ride was full of sighs and weary complaints all three of you were full of. 

________

Severus came from yet another espionage mission for Dark Lord, who clearly liked to send him on them. Severus wondered if it was because of the talents he possessed or a lack of some others. He wouldn't complain since he felt like he was doing a good job but at the same time, he craved for something more. Whenever he dared to venture into what that _something_ might be, he just became angry because he saw women faces in his head. Three faces to be exact, all of them making him anxious. All of them making him furious. And yet... all of them conjured up the warm feeling in his chest he craved so much. He sat on his armchair with a groan. 

He couldn't understand. You were all so different and yet he cared so damn much! In his current state of wrath, he bolted out of the armchair and out of the house. Women would dictate his life no more! He went in a direction of a specific part of the town to start to sow his wild oats. In his mind, there was no better way to get rid of all this tension and fear and anxiousness he associated with women than to finally bed one. 

His resolve got weaker and weaker as he went across the pavements in the street lights. He saw many bars, he drank some cheap liquor and more than once he thought of enchanting some Muggle woman but in the end, the image of his mother always popped in his head and he simply couldn't do anything like that. Severus never even once thought of himself as someone desirable by the other sex and since he couldn't enchant someone and in his head, there was no way he could charm someone, nonmagically that is, he eventually ended up in front of the red-light house. 

nothing was holding him back morally this time and he went in to seal the deal. At the end of the night, Severus couldn't understand why would any man bother with something so complicated, troublesome and hurtful as love when he could get all the pleasure simply by working and then paying for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can someone please explain to me why am I breaking my heart so much?! 😭😭😭 ...oh I know why... I just love hurt/comfort AND ... I like ma men experienced 😏🥴💋 I mean what's the point of teacher-student relationship if he can't teach me anything good 😆😈😈
> 
> Also, I didn't read this one after myself so if you'll find mistakes or some things that you don't understand, please, 'don't be a stranger' and write a comment 😉


	46. Chapter 46

The school year started by Dumbledore's announcement of two 'missing' Muggleborn students who disappeared during summer with their families. The tension in the air was palpable, the Great Hall eerily quiet. And as the year started the things got only worse.

The freezing hallways were still a problem, though not so frequent as last year. But a new threat to students appeared. Their sleep. Students started sleepwalking the corridors, some of them getting as far as into the Forbidden Forrest. One student, some Ravenclaw, was even carried back to the Castle all bloody, barely surviving. It was those unnerving things that made you and your friends even more restless and you were obviously not the only ones. 

Vistaria especially seemed bothered by all this.

"What's wrong, Vis?" you asked two days before All Hallows' Evening when she seemed extremely moody and jumpy during breakfast. 

"Last night they brought another student from the Forbidden Forrest. I swear on Merlin's wand that girl was deathly pale!" she almost hissed it as she tried to keep quiet while being so emotional about it.

"How do you know?" Kirtida asked.

"I was out..." she answered and looked away.

"No! Not with Jacob?" you asked her and she cast her eyes down. "Vis!" 

"I wasn't _with_ him, Y/N! I... followed him."

You and Kirtida gave her a disbelieving look. 

"Say what again?" Kirtida asked.

"He... he's the one behind the frozen corridors and sleepwalking students... I'm telling you, the guy's crazy."

You quickly looked around if no one was listening.

"What? He's the one behind it? And you didn't tell anyone?" Kirtida asked.

"No, that's probably for the better. The guy is a damn good Legillimens," you said and both girls looked at you surprised.

"What?" "How do you know that?" they asked. The bracelet on your wrist felt somehow heavy all of a sudden. It always did whenever you thought of... him. 

"He told me," you whispered.

"Jacob?" Vistaria asked, baffled. You just shook your head.

"Snape," Kirtida whispered and you flinched at the name. Vistaria made a silent 'oh' with her mouth. You cleared your throat and tried to talk it away.

"So Jacob is somehow damaging the Castle and harming the students?" you asked.

"Not exactly. He's obsessed with," Vistaria shifted uncomfortably on her chair while looking around, "the Cursed Vaults," she finished in a whisper. You never heard of such a thing.

"Aren't they supposed to be legends? " Kirtida asked but Vistaria shook her head.

"Trust me, they're real. I've seen the first one last year and it was... it's pretty much a place full of Dark energy. I think it's playing with Jacob's head. I tried to stop him, but the more I tried, the more distant he grew..." she trailed off and sobbed. Kirtida went to hold her hand and say some comforting words but you were stunned. This story felt like a premonition of what your relationship with Severus would be like... he was so obsessed with Dark Arts, you knew that much. That bit didn't even bother you but his admiration of the Dark Lord. It was something you used to push out of your head at the time when any kind of relationship between you two felt more like a fantasy than a possibility to you. How naive you were, you scoffed at your past self. Even if all the things went right and your parents didn't have such a complicated history, even then you two couldn't be happy together. This was like another nail in the coffin where you put your feelings for Severus. 

______

Days were getting shorter and nights colder which meant another hunt for Muggle scum flesh. The Dark Lord was turning more homeless people into Inferi to strengthen his army. Winter was a perfect time as no one would suspect the death and disappearing. In the middle of November Severus went along the other Death Eaters to collect some unsuspecting men and when they all came back to their lord, Severus noticed a far too familiar face among them.

Voldemort wasted no time and started killing them one by one. When he was in the middle of it, Severus couldn't keep it in any longer.

"My lord," he interrupted, which gained him a few sneers.

"Severus?" the Dark Lord asked with irritation but some interest. Severus wasn't exactly known for being a chatterbox. "What is it?"

Severus made a few steps closer to his lord and kneeled down on one knee.

"If you'd allow it, I'd like to take that one and... take care of him myself," he said while his voice trembled. Not in fear, no, it was hatred. He felt his sire attacking his mind brutally yet again and this time, Severus let a thought slip from under his thick veil of protection. 

The Dark Lord wasn't kind by any standard. He wasn't empathetic or sympathetic either but this one emotion hit home. This rage he could understand. The rage against your own filthy Muggle father. 

"You are not long among us, Severus, yet even I want to let this filth go with you. Here, be my guest. Kill him," he said and stepped aside. 

Severus rose to his feet and felt the hatred run through his body with such violence, he started to shake.

"My lord... I would find a quick death far too merciful for this scum. I'd like to have my way with him," he hissed through gritted teeth and heard a crazy woman laugh. Bellatrix was surely enjoying this. 

"Understandable," was all the Dark Wizard said as Severus took his father by a collar and apparated with him to his home. Oh, he would certainly have his way with the man and no, he wouldn't even let him die peacefully. He would curse him, and then some more and afterwards he'd let him continue his miserable life. And he did it exactly like that. When the dawn came to colour the sky with light tones of purple and pink, Severus sat in his armchair, holding a glass of Ogden's Old Firewhisky. He had one bottle of alcohol in the entire house and hadn't opened it until then. In the first light of the day, he felt almost unworthy of its light. That's how disgusted he was with himself. Not for what he had done to his father but for how good it made him feel. He downed his first, and last, glass and went to sleep. After all, the alcohol made him even more reminded of his father. Maybe it was in his genes to become a vile and cruel creature like his father but he would never become a drunk to lose control over himself.

______

You were not sure what to do other than keep yourself far away from Jacob and his annoying skill. Kirtida seemed to be cool with everything because most of the time she looked like she was running on autopilot. The need for some good sleep was plain as a day on her face. Vistaria was becoming more of a nervous wreck with each student that ended up in the Hospital Wing. 

Christmas time came and she seemed relieved to get away from Hogwarts. Kirtida left too, like most of the Slytherins. They were the students whose families usually didn't fear the Dark Lord, some of them even supporting him. This year even you would go. Your parents sent you a letter to invite you back home for a family Christmas and you had no idea how to feel about it. It's been four years since you had a family Christmas and you knew staying in Hogwarts without the girls and with memories of _him_ would not make for a fun Christmas. Your parents weren't much better, though, and so you quickly wrote to your nonna to come to celebrate too. With some luck, it could still turn into a decent Christmas.

Your nonna did bring certain ease with herself, which was a strange thing because she usually had the opposite effect on people.

"Oh, my darlings, how are you?" she asked as she went in.

"You smiled at her feebly, unaware your mother made the exact same face while your father stood two steps behind the welcoming wagon. It didn't pass your nonna and she chuckled a bit. "I see we will have much to talk about." She put her coat and hat on a hanger and turned to your father with a smile, though less inviting and joyous. "Tobias, hope you take good care of my girls," she teased him and he shifted uncomfortably.

"I try to, Sylvana," he said almost apologetically.

"Well, try harder," she said, now with a sugar-sweet smile which made your father gulp and nod. Yes, inviting nonna was definitely a good idea. 

After dinner and some carol singing, your nonna disappeared into the winter salon to chat with your mum. In the meantime, your father tried to talk to you about some normal stuff before saying what was really on his mind.

"Y/N, about you and Eileen's boy... I'm really sorry. I realise it could probably ruin your friendship and-" he stopped in the middle of his sentence when he looked at you and saw your silent tears. You realised he was silent and why and quickly wiped away your tears.

"It's nothing, dad, it wouldn't work out anyway," you said with another piece of your heart breaking apart as you believed those words without a doubt. After all the crying you have done during the summer, you thought there were no more tears to cry. That didn't seem to be true. 

Your father, as much as he'd love to make you happy again, felt powerless. He came to you and hugged you tightly and you started to sob into his chest.

When your mum and nonna came back, you were in your father's lap, just like when you were a little girl, your head resting on his shoulder and he held you as if you would fall apart without his support. You definitely felt that way. 

"Oh, dear. Y/N, honey, come with me and let your parents talk for a bit," your nonna said. With a weak nod, you hopped down from your father and gave him a kiss on the cheek with a whispered thanks. He tried to smile encouragingly at you before his eyes turned to his wife with many questions. You left them and came to your nonna. She patted you on the back and led you to a separate room.

"Now, dear, what are these red eyes for? That young man you talked about last summer?" she asked and you knew, there would be another discussion concerning Severus. As much as you tried to not think about him this past half-year, you knew you couldn't run from your feelings forever. It was time for you to start dealing with it. Talking about it could be a beginning.

________

Severus was never much for celebrating Christmas but he took the liberty of going to his favourite house of pleasure for the night. It was styled as a cabaret and Severus liked how classy it was for such an establishment. As per usual he asked for Aine, slender freckled ginger with a pointy nose who was a couple of years older which meant with lots of experience yet her body was still of desirable shape and properties. He was told she was taken at the moment but he could either wait or choose another company for the night. Severus groaned and looked at the available girls. His eyes fell on a young girl, maybe even too young for this kind of... profession, Severus thought.

She was a bit timid around her customers and she definitely drew the looks of rather older customers. Severus stopped to think for a while, what his first choice was when he came here. The woman was in her thirties. Was this some kind of twisted men thing? Drawing from the experience of the older when young and than thirsting after the innocence when old? 

"I'll take that one," he said to the matron and pointed to the shy girl.

"You sure, boy? That one won't teach you much or pleasure you greatly. She's too untrained."

Severus made scowled at the 'too untrained' words. Were these women actually trained for this?

"I want a change," he said simply and handed the money.

"That's too much, dear. You usually get the most desired article here. This one isn't worth that much," the matron said and gave him some money back with a wink. 

Severus felt a thrill and a sense of satisfaction when he saw the matron taking the girl away from the lustful gazes of the old creeps. It felt almost chivalrous. 

When he was alone with the girl, he couldn't help his mind trailing to another young girl he knew but he shook the thought of you quickly. He wouldn't sully the image of you like that. That thought made him stop in his tracks. He had never had a problem with picturing Lily instead of Aine. Yet, although this young shy girl reminded him of you, it didn't feel right to think of you at a place like this. 

In the end, Severus had a poorly done blowjob and an hour of talking instead of the heated sex he came for but somehow, he walked out of the establishment satisfied. It was when he came home that the thoughts of you resurfaced and started to bug him again. In comparison to Lily, he couldn't think of you there but in the privacy of his house, well, that was a different story. He thought back to his lonely nights at home in the past six months and realised he thought of you more often than of her. Even in his own moments of pleasure, the thoughts of you invaded his mind, though he tried to shun them away. He really tried so hard to keep the image of you pure in his head. But sometimes, he was failing so miserably. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay... so we are getting colder and more distant from our feelings and Severus is simply bouncing between being an emotionless jerk and sad frustrated baby who loves too deeply and too loyally... seriously he's such a bittersweet character 💔


	47. Chapter 47

When you came back to school, you noted Vistaria looked way better after the relaxing time away from school. You felt better too, at least a bit. Kirtida looked like a zombie though. Her dark eyebags were more prominent, she looked ghostly pale, which was a thing in itself given her dark complexion, and visibly thinner.

"Oh, Merlin, you look like hell," you said to her. She almost tripped when she neared you. "Come on, we need to let you into the Hospital Wing."

Kirtida wanted to oppose such a ridiculous notion, wanted to say she's perfectly fine but she didn't have any strength for it and so she simply let you grab her and practically pull her to Madame Pomfrey. 

"Girls, what-. Dear me, you look horrible, child."

Madame Pomfrey led Kirtida to lay down, which made the girl look around anxiously and frantically.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"She seems to suffer from some... foreboding dreams. Given the current situation, they're not exactly pleasant and she became insomniac," you tried to explain. Madame Pomfrey looked at you and then back at Kirtida with sympathetic eyes.

"Poor thing, let's fix you up with some Dreamless Sleep Potion."

You left after Kirtida shut her eyes and fell into a deep slumber. She spent two days in the Hospital Wing, sleeping and when she was released, she was given a bottle of the potion to last for two weeks so she would regain a normal sleeping schedule. It was also strongly advised for her to visit Professor Bagshot, current Divination teacher, for some consultation.

______

_You walked on the Castle Grounds and the warm sunshine caressed your face. In the spur of the moment, you decided to go in a certain direction which brought you to a tree. The tree. The one under which you found Severus the first time you two met. The memories were interrupted by quiet sobs and you turned around the tree to see a little boy. He was obviously a Slytherin and you crouched down next to him and patted his shoulder which startled him. He looked up at you and you froze in place. You would recognize those deep black eyes anywhere... anytime. The slight foretaste of a prominent hooked nose. The black raven hair._

_"Severus?" you whispered and the boy wiped his tears quickly. He stood up and ran behind the tree. It took you a moment but you ran after him and caught up to a tall figure. You could tell it was him even from behind._

_"Severus," you tried again and he turned to you with so much despair you couldn't help yourself and started to weep for him too._

_"Don't leave me," he said as a single tear escaped his eyes and he slowly dissipated into the thin air._

"Severus!" you cried out and opened your eyes. You sat up on your bed with a startle and when you touched your cheeks you found them wet from your tears. As you glanced in the direction of the other three beds, Lavender was looking at you as if you were crazy and Vistaria and Kirtida were giving you sympathetic glances. Especially Kirtida, who knew all too well how haunting the dream can be sometimes.

You just started crying. This was getting on your poor nerves way too much. You couldn't understand how he dared, even if it was in your dream, to beg you to not leave him. He was the one who left, he detached himself from you, not the other way around! You were so angry and so hurt you just sobbed. Two pairs of arms were around you in a few moments and you just wept until your heart emptied all its pitiful and sad emotions out. But who were you kidding, give it a day or two and it would be sorrowful yet again. This vicious cycle was slowly killing you from inside.

When you were preparing yourself to school, you realised what day it was. Severus's 20th birthday.

_______

In the next three months, you were trying to get your head into the school and out of your pitiful love-life. Vistaria was trying to ignore the hurt students as the numbers dropped and intervals between the accidents prolonged. Kirtida was doing fine with some occasional help of the Dreamless Sleep Potion. You were a little worried about her dependence on the potion but it wasn't like you could create an addiction to it so maybe you were overreacting. 

Then in the middle of April, your world went crumbling down yet again.

You were in the Hospital Wing, crying out and hyperventilating. The strange curse afflicting students befell Vistaria in its worst form. She fell into a deep slumber she couldn't wake up from. She was one of four such cases and you couldn't comprehend how can the world be so cruel.

You spend a week in the Hospital Wing too, heavily dose by the Calming Draught. When you were finally discharged on 2nd May, you felt completely broken. Kirtida came to pick you up with a solemn face.

"Happy 15th birthday, Y/N," she said unhappily and you nodded, glad she didn't bring the enthusiasm to it.

"I wish," you said, void of any emotion. "But thanks anyway." There was no way in hell there would be anything remotely happy about this day. On your way out of the Hospital Wing, you spared one last glance to Vistaria, laying on her bed peacefully. At that moment you envied her the comatose state.

_____

"Hey, Y/N, glad you're finally okay again," you heard from behind the familiar voice laced with easygoing humour but also some sincere worry.

"Daniel," you spared him a smile. The guy proved himself to be a good distraction and actually a little ray of light in your life. He was funny but not overbearing, he was fairly smart and interesting and even his prideful and arrogant pose could sometimes make you laugh. The friendly banter you had with him was making your heart lighter and days easier.

And so it didn't even cross your mind, he could have some other agenda.

After the examination time was over and you were preparing yourself to leave the fourth year behind, Daniel came to you and brought you out for a stroll. He was clearly uncomfortable and you giggled at his nervousness.

"What got you so edgy?" you asked with a teasing smile. You thought he'd give you one of his smarty-pants replies but none came. You were near the lake and he stopped in his tracks.

"Y/N,... I know you have a lot going on... your family, your friend in the hospital... you might think it... foolish but I-I..." he made a long pause and inhaled deeply while you were watching his stuttering with curiosity, "I like you. I really. For a long time, practically since the first year. The summer's ahead and we won't see each other but could you perhaps... consider me and you? Together?" he breathed out finally and searched your stunned face nervously.

You had no idea what to say and so you just stared. And stared. You wanted to turn this into a bad joke but his face was so sincere.

"Seriously?" you asked, still dumbfounded. He nodded in affirmation. 

"I-I...I..." You couldn't speak. 

"Hey, don't answer now, okay? That's why I'm telling you before the summer holidays. Just think about it and... when you'll know, write to me, okay?"

You could only nod your head with frightened eyes. This was a shock and you were not sure about how much could your heart take if things didn't work out. 

When you came back home, you found yourself glad your parents finally seemed to patch things up a bit and though there were still some awkward moments during family dinners, the overall atmosphere got way better. Not that you could enjoy it properly because you were often locked up in your room, thinking about Severus or thinking about Daniel... or both. Or you were visiting Vistaria in St. Mungo's where they relocated her after the end of the school year. And you were exchanging letters with Kirtida, often asking her what should she do about Daniel. Kirtida left the without answer every single time and so you stopped asking eventually.

That's why you were extra surprised to get a letter on 24th August where she wrote about the matter out of her own initiation. 

_You're young only once and if it would make you happy then go for it._

Until you read the letter you hadn't realised just how much you wanted her opinion on this. She had a gift after all and if she said you should go for it... she had the right hunches. An so you wrote to Daniel the next day, expressing your willingness to give it a shot.

You certainly didn't regret it when he waited for you at the Platform 9 3/4 with a bunch of beautiful meadow flowers and a dimpled boyish smile. You felt cherished and maybe it wasn't what you wanted but it felt like just what you needed. 


	48. Chapter 48

You were slightly surprised to read in the _Daily Prophet's Wedding Column_ , that Lily and James married in the middle of September. You silently congratulated her in your mind but would go out of your way to write her. Of course, your thoughts ran to a certain tall black-haired wizard too and in a fleeting moment of weakness, you wondered how he would react to the news. 

The school year full of O.W.L.s preparations was in front of you and so you forgot all about it soon enough. The nice times you spend with Daniel weighted out the horrendous studying but you fell into a calming routine. Life felt a bit easier when you didn't have to think too much about things. You left your parents at home in a relatively good mood, Daniel was caring and still made you laugh and the school gave you so much stress over the upcoming tests, you had little time to think of anything else. 

What bugged you the most was the state of Vistaria at the moment. You and Kirtida wrote letters to her parents every other week, trying to find out how she is and offer some encouraging words. The replies that came back were always negative and not very optimistic.

Except for the occasional bad news from the outside world, like reports about how He-who-must-not-be-named gathered an army of giants and had a faithful horde of Dementors, and a few more students were found under the Sleepwalking Curse, there wasn't much going on and time went by quickly and almost peacefully for you.

You went through some awkward kissed with Dan and even some snogging but you never really felt the excitement, the thrill, as you did... before. It was, however, comforting and left you with a smile on your face. Sometimes it felt just good because of the face Daniel made whenever you got a bit more adventurous in your make-out sessions. Before long, you noticed you got more thrill from teasing him and driving him crazy with your provocatively slow and shy explorations of his body, than from his kisses or touches. Daniel was no fool and wasn't exactly blind to the fact so after a few fights, you broke up with him with the excuse that the upcoming exams were stressing you out and you had no time for a relationship. That was two days before Valentine's Day so you had enjoyed a nice Christmas together and for that you were grateful.

Since you had more time on your hands, you'd decided to use your time for something good and also to keep you busy. You started to get very interested in Curse Breaking since you had a keen interest in Vistaria's condition... and maybe, just maybe, you considered Severus' possible curse. To your dismay, you found out that being a Curse-Breaker requires you to take and pass Arithmancy O.W.L.s. A plan started to take shape in your head. There was simply no way you could learn two years of a subject you never had in less than four months but maybe you could learn enough to get a P (Poor) grade which would mean you could "repeat" the subject and have at least one year of the subject and retake the test. 

Since you'd been studying diligently for the rest of your subjects throughout the year, you had no problem of taking some extra hard and long hours of Arithmancy in the Library. It became your air your food and your obsession. Kirtida warned you multiple times that you were acting like a crazy person but you had a goal in mind and you wouldn't be a Slytherin if you were not at least a bit ambitious and determined.

When the exams came you wrote your name down for the Arithmancy test and soon enough you were called into the Professor Vector's office. She was a very young professor, in her early twenties, but she already had a strict scowl on her face and she demanded your explanation. You gave it to her and she sighed.

"Ms Y/L/N, I understand you found a great passion for my subject but letting you sit on the exam without any previous class is simply unacceptable." You wanted to oppose her but she quickly raised her hand when she saw your mouth open up to speak. "Which is why you're going to write a letter to Headmaster Dumbledore to permit you to my class for fifth-years in the next school year without this charade you're about to pull."

You smiled at her, thanked her and went out with a new purpose. You were hyped up about this and you wouldn't fail your friend.

_______

When Severus read the news about Lily in the _Daily Prophet_ he went home and even dismissed his master's call. He sat in his chair, holding the second glass of Firewhisky in his life and eventually gulping it down his throat to overrun the itching pain on his forearm. Although he was sure he would take the consequences, he didn't care at the time. That was the first time he disobeyed the call.

In early December, he found himself disobedient yet again. Or maybe just omitting some facts would be a better description. One of his espionages led him to a list of some members of The Order of the Pheonix. He saw Lily and James among the names and knew, he couldn't do anything about that, they were well-known members, coming into contact with the Dark Lord himself. Two other names, however, caught his attention. Tobias and Elinor Y/L/N. He was staring at those names for a good minute, many different thoughts running through his head and he was shocked that, eventually, he erased the names from the list. 

Even when he came home after he brought the information back to his master, he still felt stunned by his decision to protect your parents. Especially your father, who he wouldn't mind getting a bit roughed up for what he did to his mother and consequently to him. But the mere thought of you getting hurt by the potential loss of your father, or even worse the thought of you getting actually hurt... they were simply unbearable for him. And guilt and blame he would be bound to feel. That night, Severus drank the third glass of Firewhisky.

He felt better about these two mishaps in his loyalty, once he got a piece of sensitive information about a prophecy concerning the Dark Lord's fall. It almost felt like a slightly delayed birthday present to him, since he got the information in the early January while listening on to Dumbledore and Sybill Trelawney, he interviewed for a post of the Divination Professor. Unfortunately, Severus was kicked out of the Hog's Head Inn before he could overhear the whole thing but he caught all the essential information in his opinion. A boy would be born to the parents who would defy Dark Lord three times by then. He will be born at the end of July and the boy will threaten Dark Lord's existence.

This information put him into the inner circle of Dark Lords most trusted Death Eaters and that was all Severus wanted. Not even the thought, that he most likely sentenced an infant to death could sully that fact. If only he knew ahead who the boy would be, who his parents would be. 

______

You finished the year with two E's from COMC and Astronomy and seven O's which you took as a great success. Your formal request to Dumbledore went well enough and you came back home with something to occupy your mind during summer. After all, you had to catch up to the year of missed classes. Your summer was spent mostly alone, your parents once again "working", only Merlin knows where on Merlin knows what. Sometimes they went out and came in four days, completely exhausted. Once it took them eleven days and you actually started to worry if something happened to them. As all the papers read, times were bad. However, from the little interaction between them, you could observe, they were doing fine together.

You wrote many letters to Kirtida and even exchanged some with your grandma, she was a big help and support in your times of need. You also made frequent visits to Vistaria and you may have made out with her much older brother out of despair once, quickly realising how effed up that was and never repeat it again. Luckily, you weren't the only one to make that realisation and you two agreed to never speak or even think of it again. 

In the middle of August, you overheard an odd late-night conversation between your parents about "protecting a boy" and "Dark Lord's fall". It bugged you and you couldn't sleep very well, especially since it made no sense to you. Dark Lord's fall... the words played over and over in your head. Were your parents somehow involved in the Dark Lord's opposition? They never expressed any sympathies towards him but their approach to Muggles was... well not exactly warm either and you couldn't picture them in any kind of resistance. 

_______

At the beginning of August, Severus' life took a sharp turn after the blow he suffered. His master was considering two children who could fill in the prophecy and one of them was Lily's boy. The dread Severus felt in that moment was indescribable. He was plagued by the thoughts of her death and for three days he was anxiously waiting for the Dark Lord's decision. When it was decided that Harry Potter was the boy from the prophecy, his world crumbled down.

In his desperation, the first thing he did was plead for her life with his master. Though he was heard and promised that no harm shall befall the woman if he desired it so, Severus had seen his master's fickle nature too many times. To ensure her safety he decided to do something he thought he would never do, meet with Dumbledore and betray his master in exchange for Lily's life. It was an unpleasant surprise to him, that the old Wizard demanded him to spy on Death Eaters and the Dark Lord himself in exchange for the protection of her. Somehow, Severus expected the Headmaster would simply thank him for the information and tried to save the family out of his own volition, out of the supposed kindness of his heart. But that cunning fox knew he could get more out of this deal and he pursued it mercilessly. 

There was no good and bad side in Severus' head. Just two sides led by two ambitious and self-righteous men who thought their truth was the ultimate truth. The difference was that the Dark Lord let his ambition run freely for all to see, whereas Albus Dumbledore used his cunning manipulation, which would put most of the Slytherins to shame, for his own agenda which was more in line with the general grasp on what's good. But Severus wasn't fooled, he knew with certainty that both men were calculating and cold in heart and would sacrifice whoever and whatever to reach their goal. 

He realised at that moment that he could only play the role of a soldier because as much as he tried to rid his heart of all the feelings and attachments, he could never do it. And so, with a head hung down, he agreed to spy for the Headmaster in exchange for the life of the woman he... loved.


	49. Chapter 49

For most of August, whenever you visited Vistaria, you watched the Healers with fascination, but the person you admired the most, was Mr Crouch, the Curse-Breaker. From what you found out he was employed by the Gringgots but apparently, Vistaria's parents had some connections to him. He had the weirdest tick and always looked like he was five seconds from a breakdown but while working, he was, indeed, very efficient. 

28th August, when you came to St. Mungo's, you were welcomed by Kirtida with a huge grin on her face and when you turned your attention to the bed, it was empty.

"One would think that after a year of sleeping I would feel fresh and ready but I feel like crap," a too-familiar voice said from behind you.

"Vistaria!" you almost screamed when you saw the girl standing and talking. You practically ran into her but quickly stabilised her. "Oh! Sorry," you said apologetically.

"No worries, it's just that my legs haven't been used for quite some time," she said with a hint of sadness and I suddenly realised she lost a lot of her physique. She wasn't doing exactly great even before since she let go of her sports dream while dating Jacob. Now she looked... weak.

"Hey, you're gonna get into shape in no time," you tried to encourage her.

"Right, little miss hot-head here even tried to do O.W.L.s from Arithmancy, though she had never seen the subject before. Nothing's impossible," Kirtida offered as an example, which made Vistaria look at you with million questions in her eyes.

"A long story," you simply said but inside you were excited and after a long time, you felt happy. Really and genuinely happy.

_________

Your sixth year at Hogwarts started uneventfully. Many people came to school with fear but it seemed the strange "accidents" stopped. In your mind, you wondered if Jacob was finally caught, or if he stopped willingly, or... Well, he was still a student, so he wasn't suspended, that much you could tell from the very first day.

It all took a drastic turn at the end of September. A student died. Duncan Ashe, Slytherin. You recalled it was one of Jacob's friend and if the gossips running around the school bore any truth, he died by trying to make an Erumpent Potion. Idiot. Even you knew it was a dangerous thing to concoct and you were no Potions expert or enthusiast. That thing could literally blow into your face, which was, according to the rumours, exactly what happened to Duncan. Jacob ran away, then he was caught by Aurors and finally, they kicked the lunatic out of school and placed him under some investigation. Nevertheless, it left a sour taste behind and the whole school mourned the death of Duncan and tried to live through the shock, that Jacob was behind it.

You didn't care feather or fig about what happened to him. He was gone, that was all that mattered to you. Vistaria, especially, looked like she could finally open a new chapter to her life, though she had to stay a year behind due to her absence. You got very inspired by her way of thinking, which combined with the fact that you were no longer a _complete_ newbie to relationships, resulted in some 'experience gaining'. 

It all started very innocently when a nice-looking guy from Hufflepuff, Brian, asked you out. It was so sudden you excepted with a smile. Seriously, though, you hadn't spoken to the guy until then. 

"What was that about?" Vistaria, who saw the whole exchange from afar asked when you came to the Slytherin table for lunch. 

"He asked me out," you answered with no real interest or excitement about it. 

"So you let him down?" she asked, obviously expecting your answer to be affirmative.

"No, I agreed," you said and she nearly choked on Pumpkin Juice. 

"Say again? Brian? The Astronomy nerd? That guy has his head in the clouds. Or stars in his case, but the result is pretty much the same."

"I didn't know that," you said and actually got interested in the guy. You liked people with passion. Especially if they could keep it, unlike you. Somehow, taking the Arithmancy O.W.L. didn't seem like such a good idea suddenly. Although the whole Curse-Breaker thing didn't lose its appeal to you yet, you were nowhere as enthusiastic about it as before. 

You dated Brian for three weeks before you broke up with him. While he was sweet and caring and his passion for stars was great, there was something about him that made look at him as a brother more than a boyfriend. Even if you tried to ignore it after your first kiss and deny after the very-not-hot make-out, there was only so much self-deceive you could do.

Enlightened by that experience, your next boyfriend, no scratch that, make-out partner, was a very touchy and not so feely Slytherin guy, Reginald. That one escapade lasted ten days before you had to draw a clear line which wouldn't be crossed, which led to his short outburst of rage and some nasty exchange of opinions and not-so-polite name-calling.

This experience left you in distrust towards certain types of guy, but since you couldn't let yourself break the fragile hearts of the good-natured guys, you were stuck with the scum. As a result, you never made out with anyone more than thrice. Three times and that's it. You found out flirting with guys was so painfully easy, it came like second nature to you. Soon enough the word spread around the school and before the start of December, your bad rep became notorious among your peers. Somehow you enjoyed the position. It was a position of power, where you got boys to their knees simply with a smile and girls to get so jealous, they sometimes got red from anger. For once in your life, it felt like you had some control of the things around you. The best thing, though, you didn't even make-out with _that_ many people, you just supported the different gossips about you by how you acted on the outside and by not denying them. 

Around Christmas, a preposterous rumour about you sleeping with a Slytherin seventh-year spread around the school and that was the first time you actually stepped in and strongly denied the fact, while deliciously humiliating the guy, who started it 'to look cool'. 

"Sick bastard. What is he? Seven? Is he so desperate he can't find himself an actual girl to do it with?" you fumed after the incident. Vistaria just laughed at that.

"Well, it's not like you ever denied any of their lies before, you can't blame the guy for trying," Kirtida said with a smirk. You scoffed.

"I think I made it clear today, that _this_ kind of rumour is out of the question," you said, more confidently than angry.

"That you definitely did," Vistaria said with a chuckle, "that poor guy looked like he peed in his pants when you rushed at him with your furious face and pungent voice. Seriously, I had no idea you could get so loud when you were angry."

You all laughed as you entered the Great Hall for Christmas Feast. This year, most of the students stayed. Dark Lord's servants were getting more and more violent and cruel and since the threat at Hogwarts was put down, many parents thought it was safer there for their children. 

__________

Severus was disgusted. He had no idea what felt more disappointing, the fact that the Dark Lord was so afraid of an infant that he flew off to the continent to gain more power, or the fact that he was actually following the man willingly and, he had to admit, blindly. But those were dangerous thoughts. It was imperative, now more than ever, to keep his thoughts not only to himself but in check just in case. If he kept his mind too guarded it would become suspicious and so, most of his days as a double spy, he tried to think of his Muggle father he still hated, about Potter and his arrogant ass and Dumbledore and his deceiving nature and manipulation which rubbed Severus the wrong way. 

Also, as he became an inner circle member, he saw a few things that disgusted him to the point, it took all self-control to stop himself from doing something that would surely lead to uncovering of his true motives and loyalties and thus, his untimely demise.

Bellatrix's torture was one example, Greyback's cannibalism another but probably the worst was an attack on a Muggle-born pair and their child at on 7th November. He was a part of the striking group of five and they got to the address an hour or so before dawn. 

They woke up the unsuspecting family with loud entrance and swept through the house like a black cloud of death. The father went down first, they usually did. But the next thing, one of the Death Eaters grabbed the woman and started some nasty obscenities. Severus was gritting his teeth as he watched the poor woman being stripped of her clothes, though they were more tore off then stripped off her. 

The very uncomfortable situation was surprisingly saved by Bellatrix, who was part of the group.

"You pig!!! You want to copulate with this dirt?! Shall I tell our Lord what a life you are? You disgust me!" she screamed in her crazy high-pitched voice.

It was probably the first and last time that Severus was glad for the woman's interference as it made the man in question leave the poor woman and kill her quickly. 

___________

As January turned to February and you very successfully _did not_ think about Severus, you got fascinated by yet another thing. You had no idea until then, but your school offered extracurricular classes of Art and Music, both Magical and Muggle. And so another road began as you decided to enter Music class and Frog Choir in the next year. The enthusiasm was so great, you couldn't wait to get your hands on another subject. Somehow, though you never stayed at one thing, you were fascinated by many. You were all jittery so when McGonagall came at the end of March to one of her Transfiguration classes with a whole speech about the Ministry sending an Apparition Instructor to Hogwarts as per every year and sixth years had a chance to participate, you almost jumped in your seat. 

The classes went for a whole April and you were delighted. Not only by the subject itself but also by the myriad of new people from your year, you had no idea existed until then. Vistaria started to make lovey eyes on a Ravenclaw from your year, Gilderoy Lockheart. The guy seemed to be a fickle self-absorbed prick and you wondered if it was Vistaria's boyfriend profile. You got way more interested in another Ravenclaw. Xenophilius was the strangest person you'd ever met. You had no idea how seriously you should take some of his delusions, but the guy entertained you greatly and you found out that under all the made-up nonsense, there was a well of actual knowledge. You felt so drawn to him, you had to think about your boy-profile. Were peculiar outcasts of deep intelligence and dubious social skills your type? Probably yes. Even though, or maybe precisely because of it, you didn't make your move onto Xeno. There was no way you would get your heart through another experience of longing after someone who won't recognize one feeling from another. Non-the-less you became great friends and you hoped the friend-zoning would forestall any future possibility of harbouring deeper feelings.

___________

Around the end of May, Severus was once again tested greatly and almost giving in to the sorrow and despair he felt when the letter from Dumbledore came. He could imagine only two things more horrible than this one and on that day, he emptied the rest of the Firewhisky bottle he had.

The next day, he had to answer to his lord, who came back to the Islands briefly. This was a game of intricate words and carefully guarded thoughts with no place for betrayed feelings. He informed his Lord that he gained Dumbledore's trust and that he would accept the teaching position at Hogwarts to spy on the Headmaster. The best lies were those based on truth and so Severus veiled certain parts, altering them and told his master the rest. It was a tale of how he used his confession of feelings for Lily Potter to gain Dumbledore's trust and infiltrate his ranks. It pleased his master so much, that he actually forgave Severus for his absence from the meeting that occurred the day before, which Severus ignored due to his hazy drunken state. 

When Severus got home, he went to sit behind his desk and put his face in his hands exasperatedly. So this would be his life, his _existence_. Serving two masters on opposite sides without any real friends, any real family, anyone he could confide in. Severus thought that by leaving Hogwarts his life would turn for better but as it seemed, he was destined for a cold and lonely life. 

___________

It was your last day at Hogwarts and you felt a teeny weeny bit nostalgic. One more year and that's it. You were packed and went to the Great Hall for your last breakfast there and were surprised when an owl landed in front of you. It would be normal during the school year but not many people received mail on their last day. The owl looked impatiently at you and you recognized your father's barn owl, Nycta. There was a tiny paper rolled and tied to her leg, so you took it carefully and the owl flew up and out immediately, not even waiting for a response. Odd.

_Dear Y/N,_

_I won't be able to pick you up at the station today, your grandmother will take you to her house for the time being._

_Father_

It was short and scratched in hurry and your stomach made the nasty kind of somersault. A wave of fear and dread washed over you. Couldn't you have one normal year of no worries?


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it! 50 chapters! And as a means to celebrate that, we're gonna REUNITE WITH SEVERUS!! Just want to say that the depressive and kinda violent part is not over yet, because... well... Lily's about to die and send Severus spiralling into some depression and self-hatred... But the next like four or five chapters should be safe 😉

On your way back to Hogwarts Vistaria and Kirtida sat with you and chatted about something you paid no attention to. You were locked in your own head, thinking about how angry you were with your father, how heartbroken. Many different thoughts and summer memories swirled around in your head and you didn't even notice when the happy chirping in your cabin halted and your friends were watching you intently and sadly. 

"Hey, Y/N? What is it? You haven't spoken since we sat down," Vistaria brought you to the present which made you aware of a single tear sliding down your face.

"I... she's gone," you whispered and couldn't believe it still.

"Who?" Kirtida asked compassionately. 

"My mum... she... she's gone. I-, nobody knows where she is, if-if... if she's-" you couldn't even finish the thought and a new wave of sadness came over you. Where was she? Was she really kidnapped by the Dark Lord or one of his servants? Was she hurt? Was she-? 

"Oh, honey, come here," Kiritda said but came to you and hugged you tightly. When exactly did she become a mother-hen? 

"I'm so mad!" you wailed with tears running down freely. "My father kept it away from me... for almost a month! He sent me to grandma and just... ugh! I could have helped him search for her!"

"I think, that's exactly what he was trying to avoid by sending you off," Vistaria said and patted your shoulder.

"I know! That's why I'm so angry! If he didn't think I was a useless child, he would have let me!" as soon as you said that, you realised just how childish you sound and you didn't miss the pointed look Kirtida and Vistaria exchanged. "Okay, okay..." you relented, admitting you weren't exactly handling this like an adult. Adult, the word scared you almost. How were you supposed to survive in this world, how were you even close to prepared? This year is the last chance for you to actually learn something, to make as many mistakes as possible before they start to count. You still had no idea which career path to take, Curse-Breaker being your back-up plan, since you put so much effort into it. 

Once the train arrived and you sat in the carriages, a Slytherin girl from your year, Ceres Carrow, started to talk with a mild excitement about Slughorn's retirement and the new Head of the Slytherin House. 

"I have no idea, who could it be. Are there any other teachers at Hogwarts who are Slytherin?"

"Maybe the new Potion Professor?" Kirtida said with some interest in the topic, even she couldn't understand. That usually meant it was important. 

"What House was Professor Starkey?" Vistaria asked, trying to join the conversation. 

You had no interest in who your next Head of the House would be or who would be the new Potions Professor. As the warm September wind blew by your face, you were lost in your thoughts about mother and father. A year-old memory of their conversation came to your mind. Were they really putting themselves in danger in order to defy You-know-who? Was your mother targeted and... murdered? Or killed in a battle? Or on some mission?

__________

Severus had no idea if he dreaded this day or was excited. The thought of coming back to Hogwarts was... both painful and joyous. Strangely, though you invaded his thoughts quite often, it never crossed his mind that he would actually meet you until two days ago when he started to think about some sort of curriculum. Severus doubted there was something he didn't know about Potions as far as the educational level of knowledge went but still, it couldn't hurt to prepare. As he started to think his study plan through, he naturally started to think about the students which made him growl in irritation and then think of you. With quick math, his head went into small inner mayhem, when he realised you'll be his student. 

When he entered the Great Hall in the evening of 1st September, he quickly scanned the empty room to sit at the staff table, only to be sternly greeted by Dumbledore while the others just nervously nodded their heads. He had no idea how much Dumbledore told his colleagues but he reckoned not too much so the nervousness was most likely due to the fact he's way too young to be there since most of these professors were his professors once, and not due to the Dark Mark on his forearm which was expertly hidden by his long-sleeved robe.

Soon enough the first students entered the Great Hall and all of them sat down to their respective houses. Severus inspected each face which sat down to the table at the very left, his eyes moving slowly and deliberately to not miss anyone but the students were coming in like a flood and he quickly lost track of who he examined, which didn't stop his eyes darting from one face to another.

___________

The three of you entered the Great Hall but you were so deep in your own head, you didn't even notice that Kirtida stopped abruptly and grabbed Vistaria's arm quickly and probably painfully because she let out a hiss.

"Hey, easy, vice," Vistaria said and turned to Kirtida who was blankly staring at the staff table. Her grip loosened but she tugged at Vistaria, her eyes still fixated on whatever was there and so Vistaria looked the same way and froze the same way but she turned her disbelieving expression into a slightly worried one and turned to you with sympathy written all over her face. When she saw you wandering aimlessly around the Slytherin table, too absorbed in your own thoughts to notice anything else, her face turned to Kiritida, who had a manic expression. She started to giggle like a madwoman, quietly but in the way her whole body was trembling.

"You find this amusing?" Vistaria asked with some detest in her voice. For her, this was the least entertaining thing, because the mere thought of your feelings sent her reeling. That damn guy, can't he just give you a break? Kiritida stopped her spasmodic movements and looked at her friend with tears in her eyes.

"Oh, this is going to be a very interesting year," she said and moved quickly to grab your aimless form.

"Hey, look alive, we need to find a seat," she said and you took in her change of mood and frowned.

"What happened to you?" you asked and she just shook her head with a big grin and so you turned to Vistaria who was nearing you with a contrite look in her eyes. That was even more alarming than Kirtida's strange mirth but you let it slide as neither of your friends seemed too keen to tell you what was going on. 

When all the students settled and the room grew quiet, the big door closed, only to be reopened a minute or two later and let in the awestruck first-years with McGonagall in lead. The Sorting Ceremony was always something you enjoyed as it brought back the once-in-a-lifetime feeling of being sorted upon your skills and character to the House of people of the same or at least alike thinking and qualities. This year it felt especially nostalgic and bitter at the same time as it would be the last time and so you shunned all your troubling thoughts away, trying to enjoy this as much as possible, cheering whenever a new student was sorted to the Slytherin House.

"That's my cousin," Vistaria whispered excitedly when a sharp-looking boy with chestnut hair and misty grey eyes neared the stool with the Sorting Hat.

"There's a cousin of yours like every single year!" Kirtida mocks and laughs. "Sometimes several of them."

You have a laugh at that for it's true but Vistaria just glares daggers at her with a fake pouty face before refocusing on her cousin.

"Slytherin!" the Hat shouts loudly and the three of you give extra loud and long cheers, just like with every Vistaria's cousin, who was ever sorted into Slytherin, which was like a half of them. 

Severus was observing the Sorting Ceremony with no real interest but after one student was sorted, there was an uncharacteristically joyous and loud cheer at the Slytherin table which usually didn't show much enthusiasm. The three loudly cheering girls drew his attention to them and Severus almost wanted to pass it as an act of teenage hormones when he noticed you. No, he couldn't believe it. That wasn't you. But... he examined the other two girls and he could tell by their features they were your old friends, especially the girl with Inner Eye who, as if on cue, turned to him as his eyes laid on her. She gave him a huge wolfish grin and he snapped his eyes from her back to the Ceremony. There was no way, however, that it would hold his attention when he knew _you_ were there. His eyes took a few more stolen glances as he still tried to connect the fourteen-year-old girl he left here with... the current you in front of him. 

As the Sorting Ceremony ended, the time for Dumbledor's annual speech came next. Much like last year and the one before, he started with naming the students who were missing or killed and thus couldn't rejoin us. Then there were the usual warnings about the Forbidden Forrest et cetera. 

"And finally, I would like to welcome Professor Meredith Vigo as our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher," he paused and applauded with students joining in as a slender witch in her forties stood up and slightly bowed he head. "Yes, welcome Professor Vigo. And as some of you may know, Professor Slughorn retired," some groans were heard in the room, no doubt from his favourites from the Slug Club, "and left the position of Potions Master and Head of the Slytherin House vacant. Please welcome Professor Severus Snape, who will replace him in both these positions."

You froze upon hearing the name while everyone around you was loudly clapping for their new Head of the House. The movement at the end of the staff table made you snap your eyes in the direction of a tall brooding man in black and dark blue robes standing up. The moment you looked at his face, your eyes connected, implying he was looking at you before. The sound of the clapping tuned out to the rapid beating of your heart in your ears. This couldn't be. Your eyes darted to Kirtida, who was watching you sheepishly and then Vistaria who grabbed your hand with a worried expression. Their strange behaviour from before became suddenly clear. 

Throughout the whole dinner, Severus was thinking of you and your expression upon seeing him. To put it simply you were ghostly pale. Once again, he felt the urge to go to you and comfort you as he did so many times in the past, the image of an innocent and slightly frightened though unbroken girl, just like he remembered it. Yet, somehow the image wasn't the same. You were, well, grown-up. The thought of your defined facial features as your baby face disappeared and your body with some of your curves pronounced even under the robes, which were far from tight or body-fitting. He glanced up from his meal towards you and found you quickly darting your eyes from him, which made his stomach flip. You were looking at him too. 

As much as you tried to eat something, there was simply no way you could ignore the huge elephant in the room. 

"What the bloody hell am I supposed to do?" you almost whined and put your fingers to your temples, attempting to calm your rushed and crazed thoughts.

"Just profess your undying and eternal love for him and get it over with," Kirtida suggested with a straight face as if it was an as-clear-as-a-day thing, which got her two angry glares from you and Vistaria. "What? It would be the easiest way towards your destiny."

"Yeah, about that, what _exactly_ is 'our' destiny?" you asked, irritated, with air quotes while saying "our".

"How about you ask Snape? He already knows," she said in a slurry, fakely seductive voice while wiggling her brows at you. That made you chuckle involuntarily. 

"You're no help at all!" you raised your voice with laughter and smacked her arm with a pretended pout, which made her laugh in turn.

"Well, it's not like you two can avoid each other, he's our Head of the House, damn it. _And_ Potions Professor," Vistaria said with some thought. "Maybe you should... talk to him?" 

"Yeah. I can see that coming off smoothly," you said with notable sarcasm. "No, blast it, I'm a student, he's a teacher, I'll just ignore him."

Vistaria nodded approvingly but Kirtida made such loud and obnoxious groan that even some teachers looked her way. Of course, Severus was looking at you. Yeah, as if you could ever ignore him, you thought to yourself. 


	51. Chapter 51

When the dinner ended, Dumbledore instructed first-years to follow Prefects and saying a few hopeful words for the upcoming year. When he finished, you were about to leave peacefully but a familiar voice reached you before you could do that.

"All Slytherins stay put."

The voice wasn't even loud but it was demanding enough for everyone to hear it and listen to it. It made a shiver run down your spine. You looked at Severus who rose from his seat and with quick yet effortless strides which made him look almost as if he was floating, he came to the further end of the table where first-years were seated. He waited for all the students from other hoses to leave and some of the staff too to have as much privacy as possible. He knew that Dumbledore wasn't exactly trusting him and thus he would feel better to look over his first interaction with his house. Just to make sure he isn't spurring the young Slytherins on to join the Dark Lord. As if he could do that after- 

"As a new Head of the House, I'd like to establish some ground rules. I have little to no tolerance towards rule-breaking and I hate stupid dunderheads."

He said it harshly and with a deep undertone of authority so everyone was waiting for more. 

"Now, one of the sixth-year Prefects can lead the younger students to your Commons, but the rest from the fifth year up will stay."

There was no movement and he frowned. "Today, if possible," he growled and you saw the dazed or maybe terrified Prefect, Illina Burke, to get up hastily to get out of the room as soon as possible, not even looking after the first-years, who were disoriented but followed after the mass of students. Severus was frowning after her.

"Well, it seems like there'll be a need for new _competent_ Prefects. Where's the other sixth-year?" he asked and scanned the student until Faust Silverpine stood up and Severus raised one eyebrow in a condescending manner. "You'll be the first one I'm going to replace. Shedding off the responsibilities and leaving them up to your partner is a no go." The boy paled a bit and sat down without a sound.

"Now, my Advanced-Potions class for sixth and seventh-years will be attainable only for those who score O in their O.W.L.s, that's directed towards fifth-years especially. However, I won't kick out anyone who's already in. Be prepared, however, for some hard work and extra hours," he said in a monotone voice, but it made you almost melt into a puddle. As he was no longer at the faraway table and seated, you could admire his maned-up body with a V-shaped torso. His cheekbones, his chin, thin pinkish lips, deep black eyes, raven hair, mild everpresent scowl, big hooked nose, pale skin, the velvety voice which could sometimes turn raspy, his slender fingers and the graceful and subtle movements he made during his speech... Your brain was Severus-overload.

"Tsk! Y/N! Wake up, girl!" Kirtida hissed with a suppressed giggle and you snapped out of your Sev-induced trans. This had to stop, you realised with apprehension and schooled your expression into a blank canvas.

"This will be all further explained in the Potions class but I would like to appeal on the fact that you're Slytherins and I don't take kindly to failure or any sort of humiliation of the House, so you'd better prepare for the O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s racily and accordingly. That would be all," he finished and took a sharp turn to exit the room.

Once Severus arrived at his assigned chambers, he couldn't stop moving and paced the floor vigorously. His head was haunted by the images of you and wanted- ugh! He just wanted to stop thinking about this! He sat down on his bed and flopped on his back. His hand was twitching to move towards his half-erect member but he tried to reason with himself to not do it. It wasn't the first battle like this for Severus but though he usually lost, this time he had one more reason not to get off to you - you were his student. With a loud groan, he quickly made his way to the lavatory to take a very _very_ cold shower.

________

The first lesson of your Advanced-Potions class was about to begin and you were all jittery and anxious.

"Calm down a bit, would you? Everything will be fine," Kirtida tried to soothe your nerves, though she was clearly enjoying your distress. Suddenly an arm was around your shoulders and you looked with bewilderment at the guy next to you. 

"Hey, Y/N, you okay? You look like you're about to pass down," Daniel said and looked at you with concern. Although you two broke up and he couldn't even look your way after all the rumours about you spread around the school, he was worried about you? This was pretty much the first time he spoke to you since then. 

"I'm-" 

The door opened with a loud bang and Severus came in with his long strides and flowing hair. He turned and his eyes immediately found you. His face visibly paled, which you thought was impossible really and then he scowled and you felt the arm around your shoulders fall down, which made you remember it was there the whole time. You opened your mouth to say something but once again you were interrupted.

"Mr Woodlock, ten points form Griffindor for disgusting me with your fondling," he said sternly and before you could stop Daniel from reacting, it was too late.

"What? I didn't do anything!"

"And a week of detention for yelling at the staff member," he added with a cruel smirk and this time you tugged on Daniel's arm before he could do anything else. He looked at you and you lightly shook your head at him. Severus watched the little exchange with his whole body shaking from... he didn't know from what exactly. 

"Five points from Slytherin, Ms Y/L/N. I can do this all day, or we can start with the lesson," he said when you were still holding onto that imp's arm. Your mouth fell agape as you stared at him in disbelieve but you let go of Daniel and he went back to his seat. You frowned at Severus and after a while, you felt a tug on your mind which made you automatically lift your wrist to make sure the bracelet he gave you was still there.

Severus noticed and when he saw you still wearing the gift from him, he stopped his initial probing. He wanted to look inside your head so badly, to know what you think, but the wooden beads around your wrist gave him at least some sort of comfort... some sort of assurance, that you hadn't detested him or forgotten him.

"Let's start, now, shall we?" he asked in a bored and arrogant slur, a hundred percent sure, that all the students were dunderheads who would disappoint him with their lack of skill and passion, needed for the subtle art of Potion-Making. 

The lesson was, simply put, exhausting. Severus was expecting knowledge far beyond the mandatory coursework and he got a bad temper whenever someone made a mistake. It took you exactly ten minutes to have just about enough of it so when he eventually came to you with a question to which you had to answer "I don't know" and he was about to open his mouth to say something not so pleasant, you beat him to it.

"Maybe, _professor_ , you could tell us and explain all these terms we _never heard of_ and actually _teach_ them to us," you said with a fake smile and sugary sweet voice which most of the males in the room knew all too well. It was that mocking voice which usually sent them away with a bruised ego whenever they tried to hit on you and you were not in the mood for them. Most of them were shocked to hear you use it on your new, and objectively terrifying, Potions Professor. Kirtida just smirked at that. 

Severus froze at the moment and looked at you with disbelief. How were you this insolent? A dark cloud passed across his features and he straightened his back.

"Maybe you should write an essay about them... until the next lesson. And I'm sure you'll gladly present your newly acquired knowledge to your classmates," he growled at you threateningly and you had to contain your anger to not slap him across that arrogant face. "And if by the next week, all of you won't be closely familiar with all the terms I mentioned today, you have Ms Y/L/N here to thank for," he said louder for all to hear before putting his hands down on your table and hunching down to your eye-level. "I hope you took good notes of them for I don't feel like repeating myself."

You felt the brush against your mind yet again and you practically yelled in your head "You PRICK!" which gained you a self-satisfied smirk from him and for a moment it reminded you of the Severus you grew up with, the one who wore this kind of smirk whenever he triumphed, but this time his victory wasn't a well-written paper or a new magical discovery, it was your humiliation. And that hurt. 

Severus noted the sudden change in your expression, especially when your eyes got glossy and you hung your head down with defeat. He was startled by that for a moment but quickly picked himself up and resumed the lesson as originally planned but without any more questions. You were frowning at your notes, trying to keep your emotions at bay but the memories flooded your mind and you couldn't get rid of the immense sadness and hurt. 

"You okay?" Kirtida dared to whisper and you just nodded. Though Severus heard it and strained his ears to hear your nonverbal answer, he pretended to be preoccupied with an ingredient in his hand.

As the lesson ended, he went to his desk and quickly scribbled down something, while you gathered your things in haste to get out of there.

"Y/L/N," Severus called when you were near the door. You stopped and threw a distressed look to your friend, but Kirtida just shrugged and at that moment you really wished Vistaria was there with you and not a year below. 

"I'll wait outside," Kirtida tried to comfort you and you smiled weakly at her attempt.

You turned and went to Severus' desk.

"S-" you stopped yourself and inhaled shakily. "Professor?" you asked with a more stable voice and lifted your determined eyes to his. It wasn't the first time Severus had seen this side of yours, but it had been a long time since he saw it and it filled him with a sense of admiration. You always coped with things faster than he could and more effectively it seemed. He held out a hand with a piece of parchment.

"Today's terms for your essay. Research them carefully and," he stopped to look into your eyes, "don't provoke me." 

You stared at the piece of parchment then at him and then back to the parchment. You took the offered help with a frown. You didn't understand him any better than you did three years ago. 

"Thank you..." you said, turned your eyes back to his and upon seeing his face from up this close, you conjured up a shy but genuine smile, "Severus."


	52. Chapter 52

You practically flew from the classroom as soon as his name left your lips and couldn't see the shudder it caused. Severus sat at his desk a bit dazed. He dreamed of you uttering his name in many different scenarios but none were nearly as satisfying as the real deal. No illusion was good enough, _warm_ enough. He sighed, exasperated. He had to stop, this was _not_ about to end up well. In the silence of the room, he went through all the different reasons he shouldn't be thinking about you _at all_ , much less in the way he was thinking about you. He refocused on his goal and purpose in Hogwarts, he wasn't there to be thinking about you, he was on a lifelong mission of double espionage and he had to keep his thoughts in check. If the Dark Lord was ever about to pry in his mind for the information about you, he could find out about Severus' deceit, his weakness. The decision was made, he had to fight against any feelings towards you and treat you like any other student.

________

Though you had a tough time with the essay, it wasn't _such_ a disaster and you were glad to hear only a grunt from Severus when you finished your little presentation in front of the class. He filled in a few information and proceeded with his lecture. Overall, it seemed the primary tension between you two was gone, at least on his part. You enjoyed it for like a week or two but got a bit disappointed when you were treated the same way as the others and for another week you tried to persuade yourself to not do anything stupid. You gave in eventually and your head was planning and strategizing different tactics to gain his attention. 

"Seriously, you're trying way too hard for the guy. Let him go," Vistaria told you when you were thinking about it in your bed once again. You sighed and turned to look at the girls changing into their pyjamas.

"You're right but... I just can't help it. I..." _love him_ you finished in your head but with a sad realisation, you were not able to say it out loud. It still pained you, that he thought you love him only because of some stupid love potion and his feelings are controlled by a curse.

"I'm not worried about these two, much more worried about you and Gilderoy," Kirtida interfered and Vistaria rolled her eyes.

"Of course you're not, you've been pushing them together since the begging and of course you are, because no guy of mine is good for you two," Vistaria said with the boiling passion of three suns.

"Your first BF put the school and its students into deadly danger, you can't exactly blame us for being cautious," you said with a smirk and Vistaria just threw her pillow at you.

"At least I'm not in love with a dude who loves his childhood already-married friend, and never even touched me," Vistaria says and you do your damn best to not react to the 'never even touched' phrase. That seems to be the fatal error, however.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" Kirtida asks and gets very interested. Damn her stupid sixth sense or whatever. "You two did something?! WHEN?" she almost screams it and you groan. 

"In his last year. We just kissed in the Library," you say defeatedly but briefly. 

"You KISSED SNAPE?!" Vistaria yells in disbelieve.

"Gosh! Could you guys tone it down a little bit? He's a professor now!" 

Not like it helps much, they are a giggling and disbelieving mess of yells and weird noises.

"Wait but that was when you were like thirteen? Fourteen? And he was eighteen? Gross," Vistaria says with a grimace and you scowl at her.

"Not gross at all," you reply, mildly offended by her rudeness.

"So, wait, he was your first kiss?" Kirtida asks excitedly and you simply nod with a smile. 

"He was pretty much my first everything," you said fondly before you realised what you actually said as both of the girls shut up and looked at you with shock written all over their faces. "Not like that! We didn't do _that._ I meant like my first guy friend and first kiss and first love and..." you were getting even redder than before and stopped your rumbling.

"Aw, that's so cute! No wonder you're so attached to him, not that I'm complaining," Kiritda said.

The rest of the evening you were chitchatting, mostly making a few more embarrassing revelations about your feelings towards Severus but overall you recalled your fondest memories of him while excluding all the difficult and not so happy parts.

________

Severus got through September and everything seemed to work just fine. He kept his mind in check and though he was a snarky and demanding teacher, he left his intimidating facade behind and tried to be a bit more... approachable. As the October began, however, it felt like a strange spell was cast on you. There were some peculiar happenings, like when you forgot your notes in his classroom but came back for them in the evening after dinner. Or how you threw coy smiles his way every now and then. And was it just him or did your skirt got shorter? You definitely had one more shirt button lose than before. He could feel your long stares and caught you stealing side glances at him. 

On 12th October, you purposefully leaned a bit more to reveal your cleavage to him while asking about something from the book. On 15th October, you spent a whole Advanced Potions class chewing your lip while writing down the notes. Finally, on 19th October, you decided to accidentally drop something and leaned down with your legs straight and your butt in his direction to pick it up, only to drop it again halfway up and quickly squat to catch it, sure, that the sudden movement would fly your skirt up for a bit. That was the last drop for Severus.

"Stay behind, Ms Y/L/N," he said after he dismissed the class and you almost jumped with joy. Sending a huge grin in your friend's direction, you waved at Kirtida and she waved back with a huge grin of her own. When the door behind the last student shut closed, you turned to the front of the room but Severus was standing right behind you and you heard the door lock click. His wand was out and in his hand.

"What are you doing?" he gritted through his teeth. You smiled at him sweetly.

"I have no idea what you mean," you started innocently, again putting in use all the things you've learned as far as flirting was concerned, " _sir_ ," you practically purred out.

"You. Are. Doig this. On purpose," he said with dramatic pauses and clenching jaws. You gulped down, he was angry. You found him to be very sexy when angry and licked your dry lips, which only made him scowl and grab your jaw rather forcefully and strongly.

"Stop it!" he barked out, his face only a breath away from yours as he stared at you furiously. It shocked you for the slightest moment but then you just frowned.

"Kiss me," you said breathlessly and could see the change in his face going from fury to shock and then his eyes lowered to your lips and you were a goner. But he let go of you, backed away two steps and turned from you. That hurt. There was a part of you that wasn't used to rejection and there was an even bigger part that was hurting beyond comprehension from the fact that _he_ was the one who rejected you. And not for the first time.

"Sometimes I really wish you were cursed," you whispered and he whipped his head around to you with disgust and apprehension. Upon seeing your downcast sad eyes, he realises what you meant by that.

"Maybe then I could simply command you to do it and you would," you clarified nonetheless and looked at him with a bittersweet smile which made him flinch. It made Severus feel many things. He was angry and excited that you wanted him, he was hurting from your expression, he was thinking deeply about what you said. Maybe he wasn't cursed? But then again, it took every cell in his body to resist the urge to give in, heed your command and kiss you.

You took the two steps he took back from you before, caressed his cheek lovingly and he was tempted to close his eyes and lean into your touch. But you took your hand down way too quickly. You were genuine in your soft caresses and words but you were not exactly without an ulterior motive. If there was something you learned in the past two years, it was how to read what people wanted and what their weaknesses were. Severus was provoked by your frequent flirtations but what he was really weak against, were your glossy pleading eyes, soft words and even softer touches. Even when you browsed your memories, the pattern was undoubtedly there, he simply couldn't resist the want to comfort you and you wanted him so much you had no qualms about using it against him. 

You hung your head low and slowly went towards the door, very carefully and "accidentally" brushing against him, when you passed him. You were at the door, almost thinking he wouldn't do anything after all, but when you tried to pull them open, you realised it's locked. With a sigh, you pulled your wand out to unlock it but you were surprised to find her out of your hand and on the ground quickly. Your eyes found Severus with his wand raised against you. He lowered it and with a few determined strides, he was in front of you, grabbing your waist and leaning down.

You had no time for any reaction other than a small gasp when he pinned you against the door and crushed his mouth against yours with a force and kinda sloppy passion. It sent shivers down your whole body, like an electric current. One of his hands found its place on the side of your face, while the other was frantically cruising your body, somehow getting under your grey uniform jumper and the white shirt underneath it. When you felt his cold fingers brush against the sensitive skin of your abdomen, you moaned into his mouth and felt your knees getting weak. You buried both of your hands into his luscious black hair, which was no longer greasy from the pubescent over-oiliness, you noted. You even managed to scrape your nails on the nape of his neck to get some sounds out of him, even though you barely knew what you were doing, your mind all foggy. 

Severus did react with a satisfying deep hum which resonated through you as he was pressed tightly against you. That made you bold and more greedy for those sounds and so you tried to get out of your own haziness and inflict some of those feelings upon him. You stopped the kiss only to quickly attack his jaw, sliding your tongue deliciously slowly from his chin to his earlobe which you scraped with your teeth. The shudder and groan that action elicited from him were like the biggest victory to you and you smirked.

Severus was used to women taking lead but somehow he didn't expect _you_ to do it. When he felt your undoubtedly cocky smirk against his cheekbone, he felt a spike of irk. He frowned and moved away from you, noting with profound satisfaction, how disappointed you were and how your body wanted to follow his almost automatically.

He watched you and your heavy breathing which made your chest move up and down. He studied your red lips, slightly puffed by the attention he gave them, your wild eyes searching his face questioningly. Those eyes. He saw the sudden change in them. Your gaze misted and your eyelids half-closed while your mouth created a small 'O' shape. You little minx, he thought, you knew exactly what you were doing. That thought made him aroused but also irrationally angry. Where exactly did you learn all this?

He claimed your mouth again, practically shoving his tongue down your throat, resulting in a sound between moan and gag coming out of you. His hands grabbed your ass-cheeks and he lifted you to your surprise. Your legs went around his waist of their own volition and he took you to his desk, where he put you down. Once you were seated on his desk, his free hands quickly moved to pick up your jumper over your head and toss it on the floor. Then quickly working the buttons of your shirt. In his mind, aroused and crazed by the thoughts of someone else touching you like that, he didn't notice your sudden hesitation when he slid up your skirt or your uncomfortable expression when one of his hands found its way underneath your bra. What he did notice was your small jump and jerk of your head when his other hand found its way up your leg to your wet panties. 

"Sev," you breathed out and his eyes, lusty and angry, got irritated with the sudden stop.

"What?" he retorted stiffly. "Are you playing coy now?" he asked with a raised brow and unconcealed sarcasm while his mind was screaming at him not be a bloody idiot. Was he a retard? He was not even supposed to be doing this. His remark made you frown. 

"I'm not _playing_ coy, I'm not... we haven't even... you don't expect me to sleep with you right away?" Somehow, that made Severus even angrier.

"Oh, there's an order to these things? You have some sort of checklist before you let guys into your panties?"

"What now?!" You couldn't believe your ears and your obvious bewilderment was yet another trigger for Severus.

"Don't act so innocent, I recognize an experienced woman when I see one," he said with that threatening, low voice. Prick!

"Do you, now?" you tried to mimic his threatening tone and Severus found it a bit funny but also realised what you were hitting at - his own experience. No, no, no, he wouldn't let you turn this conversation to him.

"You weren't doing this for the first time," he said stubbornly. You wanted to smack him again but you knew enough about males to know there were things that would sting more. Like bruised ego perhaps.

"True," you started with a triumphant smile, "I've actually done this many times, with many different people for many _delicious_ minutes." You could see the seething anger, good, but that wasn't your final blow. "But I never went any further." You turned your smile to a frown. "You, on the other hand, look like you've skipped right to the grand finale multiple times." And here comes _your_ grand finale. "Do you even know how to do all the steps _before_ you fuck someone?" 

There it was, that flinch of his head you've seen so many times before when you delivered a final blow to some arrogant jerk who thought he could treat you like a whore. Severus was truly and utterly shaken. Partly because he could see your innocence was gone (though your virginity might be intact) and partly because you were right. Severus had no experience with any type of foreplay, pre-sex rituals, not even a make-out session.

He backed away from you with a tight expression.

"I think you should leave, Ms Y/L/N," he tried to get back some of his dignity. 

"Sure, _professor_ , see you, next class," you said bitterly and mockingly at the same time, picked up your wand and things and with an angry, shouted "Alohomora!", you left.


	53. Chapter 53

It was Saturday, almost a week after your little _téte-á-téte_ with Severus, which resulted in a very awkward Thursday lesson of double-Potions. You were outside with your girls, enjoying the last bits of the autumn sun. 

"What happened with Lavender?" Vistaria suddenly asked, bringing up the subject of your missing roommate.

"I heard it was some 'family business'," Kirtida said and you left the topic quickly. Lavender was one of those high and mighty Slytherin pure-bloods whose life was apparently far too miserable to have any fun. 

"Oh, have you heard the news? Apparently, that girl who got knocked up a year ago, Pandora, had a baby girl in February and now the rumour has it, the father is still a student here, which means he's younger," Kirtida said with giggles. You briefly registered the rumours about the pregnant girl. She was one of those 'sensible' Ravenclaws, unlike Gilderoy or Xeno, and it actually caused havoc although she got pregnant during summer before she came for her last year at Hogwarts. She left for Christmas and hasn't come back but at that time you had your own problems with rumours to care about that.

"Can you imagine it? Becoming a mother?" Vistaria asked incredulously. 

"No," you answered, though maybe if the baby would be a little fair-skinned, black-haired, black-eyed beauty... You quickly shook your head. No way. You were still mad at him and mad at yourself for letting him in so easily. He was gone for three years after he practically broke your heart and once he came back, he had the audacity to lecture you about how you lived your life so far? Nah. No-no, mister. 

"Jee, stop thinking about him so intensely! Just get in the room with him!" Kiritida said with a wicked little smile, trying to sound disgusted but failing. She was way too happy about all this.

"How do you know what I'm thinking about?" you asked.

"Babies were mentioned, you got all mushy and then your face hardened until you ended up frowning, who else could you be thinking about?" she asked, though she wasn't expecting an answer.

\--------

Severus always hated Sunday evenings as a student and as it seemed, he didn't enjoy them as a professor either. It was way past the curfew and he strolled down the hallway towards the dungeons, when he heard the unmistakable noises of-. He quickly went to the niche with a heavy curtain and revealed two shocked Gryffindors who were both, thankfully, clothed. Severus felt a pang of jealousy he would never admit when he realised they were _just_ making out. This was the missing experience and he was reminded of you. 

"Twenty points, each of you," he growled with a satisfied smirk. No way any of these shenanigans were to go unnoticed when he was on the watch. The two students scurried away with sour faces and Severus couldn't help but think of you. How many times were hiding behind a curtain in the night? Were you ever caught? He felt another irrational wave of rage, this time it was aimed at the school staff. Can't they take care of these things? Horny teenagers! They should be sorted by gender and locked up separately!

He came to his chambers, still in one fire, rumbling in his mind. He couldn't erase the fictional images of you with some dimwit. Most of the time the dimwit was that imp, Daniel. How could you even let him touch you?

After three years of feeling guilty whenever he thought of you in his private moments, he finds out you were probably in many guys' wet dreams. And you were partly responsible for it! That damn enticing smile of yours, the mischievous glint in your eyes, the provocative clothing... those damn school uniforms! He was sure you hadn't resized it for the three damn years he was away! Everything was too tight and too short.

With a groan, he stopped fighting the urge to relieve himself and he got off to the images of you. He indulged himself in the dirtiest fantasies, he never dared to include you into, at least not consciously. But right then, he didn't care, he no longer felt the need to restrain himself. That was until he was finished and he felt the shame, the guilt. Just by doing this, he was putting you to the risk of being discovered by the Dark Lord if he would ever probe his mind again. He could get you into some serious trouble.

__________

You met with Daniel outside the Potions on Monday and you went in together. Yes, you were so doing it on purpose and no, you were not feeling guilty at all! Kirtida knew you well enough to know you weren't serious about the poor Gryffindor and didn't know if she should frown upon your behaviour or laugh at Snape's reaction, which came as soon as he entered the room and, once again, saw Daniel's arm around you. This time, around your waist.

"Mr Woodlock, ten points. Ms Y/L/N, the same. Now, let us begin," he just stated coldly.

He turned from you towards the cauldron and his prepared ingredients on the table. That wasn't the reaction you expected and it made you furious to the point where you actually stomped your foot angrily with a pout and crossed arms on your chest. You felt like a spoiled brat and with a huff of air you cleared your mind of the negative emotions to concentrate on the lesson. 

Severus was keenly aware of your presence, your every noise and so the small theatrical show of your inner turmoil didn't pass him without notice. In his head, he had to laugh at it. Still so cute. Then he frowned and proceeded with the lesson.

You simply couldn't help yourself. As much as he infuriated you, his body was still a delicious eye-candy, his smooth baritone was a soothing melody to your ears and when he was brewing potions, watching his elegant slender fingers dance above the cauldron or while preparing ingredients, you felt heated wetness slide out of you, making you squirm uncomfortably. The images of what he has done to you in this very classroom were no help, really, they only made it worse... or better? NO! Worse! You were angry with him, damn it.

"Ms Y/L/N," he suddenly gritted through his teeth and your attention was back to him, "do you have to constantly squirm on your seat? Do you have scabies or fleas in your bed or what?"

The quiet giggles from your classmates made you frown.

"No, sir, I... I just feel a bit uncomfortable," you said. 

"Sorry, to hear that," he answered sarcastically, "should I perhaps bring you a pillow to sit on for the next class?"

You smiled sweetly. "That would be very considerate of you, sir," you answered with that twinkle in your eyes that usually made him angry, amused him or both. It was both this time.

"Five points from Slytherin for being impudent," he said with a levelheaded voice which made you want to provoke him just a bit more.

"And here I tried to go for cute and cheeky," you answered and many of your classmates gaped their mouth at the comment. Kirtida couldn't help but choke on her suppressed laugh.

"Detention, today after dinner," he growled out. "Don't be late," he added with a hiss. You squinted your eyes at him but smiled, your eyes saying "I won" and to him, it kinda felt like you did.

"I wouldn't dream of it, sir," you answered in a way, that made your classmates uncomfortable yet again.


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a small warning. There's gonna be angst, hurt and lots of sorrow in this chapter and probably like two more chapters afterwards.

After being made fun of at the dinner by Kirtida, who felt it absolutely necessary to retell the whole Potions class to Vistaria, you went to the detention. You heard from Daniel that Severus' detentions are loads and loads of menial work, making you tired as a dog. On your way down to the dungeons, you thought of more delicious ways he could make you tired than by scrubbing cauldrons or dusting shelves, but shook them out of your head once you were in front of his door. Just as you were about to knock, the door opened abruptly and he stood there looking down at you. He was so tall, you mused. 

"Come in."

And you did, almost too eagerly. 

"So what's it gonna be, professor? Cauldron scrubbing?" you asked cheerfully which made him raise one brow at you.

"Do you enjoy detentions, Ms Y/L/N?" he asked sardonically. Your eyes twinkled in that mischievous manner of your and he knew smart-ass retort with some possible innuendo was coming from you.

"Bad girls need to be punished, am I right?" 

That sentence went through his body like a bolt of lightning, awakening certain parts to life and he had to make a lot of effort to stay calm and _not_ think about punishing you.

"Certainly," he answered in a low growl. There was a short pause as you waired for your detention assignment and he was thinking through his options. Before he could decide which professory action to take, you sighed and spoke.

"Sev, I know it's my detention and I will gladly take whatever punishment later on but can we just talk? Like we used to?" you asked with sincerity which even shocked you. As far as this new dynamic between you two went, you weren't exactly thrilled and you really missed how you it used be between you two.

"I can't," he replied with a bit strangled voice. Your jaw clenched. Was this really the end of your friendship? 

"Okay, then don't talk and just listen. I-"

"Ms Y/L/N, I think you're overstepping here," his voice reverberated low in his throat and his brows came together ever-so-slightly. You were thrown off your wagon when he interrupted you and it infuriated you that he could even listen to you.

"Oh, that's rich coming from you!" you said angrily while throwing your hands in the air. "You kissed me here, in this very room, a week ago but _I_ am the one overstepping now, am I?!"

"SHUT UP!" he yelled and you flinched at how angry and loud he was. Severus was really snapping and a very small part of his brain knew it but he couldn't stop himself. He simply had too much stuff loaded onto his shoulders.

"I have more pressing matters to deal with than a petty girl's whims! You're like a little brat, stomping your feet, literally, when something's not going your way! Well that's the way life is, you'd better GET USED TO IT!" he continued in his angry spiel and you were just standing there, stunned. Severus was so out of it he actually started to pace the room with a hand going through his hair a few times and when he finally stopped to look at you, he saw that hurt face again. The one you made every time you tried to reign in your emotions and stop the tears from falling down. With a loud and long exhale, he let any residual anger go and with an inhale he composed himself into the professor position once again.

"I'm afraid I really overstepped, last week and today as well. It's an unacceptable behaviour, I admit and as an apology, you're pardoned from your detention. You may leave," he said while looking at you but you hardly seemed to pay attention with your hazy eyes looking into nothingness. A single muscle didn't move and for a moment, Severus got afraid there was something wrong with you.

"Y/N?" he said in a quiet whisper and your head snapped, your eyes searching his. Severus realised his mistake of calling you by your first name and prepared himself for whatever would come his way from you. Or so he thought. When two silent tears fell, each from one of your eyes, his chest tightened and once again, his whole body was screaming at him to go an hug you, to hold you like there was no tomorrow. 

"Thank you, Professor Snape," you whispered back emptily and left the room. You never called Severus by his last name and so to him, this felt like strange. It was the first time you addressed him as a professor and meant it. It was the first time you did it like you were one of the students. If Severus was honest with himself, he would have to admit it saddened him to hear it.

\--------------

The next few days were hell. The rumours of your not-so-subtle flirting in class with Professor Snape spread like a wildfire a you found yourself being a target of many sneers and hushed accusations.

"I'm officially a big dumbass," you sigh to Vistaria as you go together for lunch.

"Well, you are. But my mother aways says that young girl's life needs a bit of love trouble and it's better to get disillusioned about love while young."

"Wow, your mum's a real ray of sunshine," you said dryly. She smirked.

"You have no idea," she replied in the same fashion.

Since Monday, Severus noticed he got some special attention and suspicious looks from his students. It was about Tuesday noon, when he had about enough and he started to look into the minds of the curious students. 

The situation got clear quite soon. The rumours about you being an easy flirt and coquette were all around the school. He went through various minds of girls to find their venomous comments which made him frown deeply but it were the minds of boys which made him furious. They were filled with thoughts, dreams and memories which made him furious. By the time he had a Thursday class with you, his mind was bothered and filled with images, questions and his mood was sour. 

You were feeling no better. On more than three occasions, you were 'accidentally' bumped into, five girls told you to your face you were a slut, whore, bitch or some other colourful name. Two guys voiced their disgust to find out you were into a professor and such an 'ugly' one to that but other _eleven_ propositioned to you. Pigs. 

As you were sitting in the Potions classroom, you heard the whispers around you. Kirtida grabbed your hand with an encouraging squeeze and you tried to smile at her but felt no better. 

Luckily, all the murmurs halted once Professor Snape entered with his usual theatrics. The whole lesson was tense but without any interaction between you and Severus. You were too preoccupied with your thoughts and he thought it best to not engage in conversation with you. Of any kind. He hoped it would stop the vile and disgusting thoughts of your classmates.


	55. Chapter 55

Severus didn't even have to read minds to see his plan failed miserably. As soon as he ended the lesson, he noticed three girls giving you nasty arrogant sneers and when you exited the classroom, that imp Daniel was by your side immediately.

Severus was seething and went into his mind. Was he masochistic? He's seen enough of nasty dirty teenage fantasies to last him a lifetime. But this one, he knew this one was gonna be especially bad for his emotional stability. And it was but for different reasons than he originally thought.

Unlike most of the other minds, he's been to these past few days, this one was filled with genuine worry for you. Concern and empathy. Somehow that riled Severus up even more. And what more, it scared him. 

He proved some more and went into past memories quickly since the guy was leaving. Quicky glimpses of you and him kissing, his hand brushing your neck and sliding lower past your collarbones... And then the boy was gone and Severus was sitting behind his desk, his breathing shallow and quick. He felt as if he ran a marathon. Not that the images were dirtier than other, no, the other way around. They were mild and caring. But they were real, actual memories, Severus could tell a difference between dreams, fantasies and memories. 

The other thing that bothered him greatly was your expression when the imp touched you. The half-closed eyes, your lids fluttering. The red hues on your neck and cleavage. Parted lips, slightly puffed. Severus found it harder and harder to keep his cool and hit the desk with an angry fist and groan.

As you walked out of the classroom, Daniel came to you.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked quietly, grabbing your shoulder lightly. You had to smile at the small affection.

"I manage," you replied. Kitties next to you were eyeing you two suspiciously. 

"She's a tough girl, this one," she said with usual mischief in her voice and you were kinda glad she helped you keep the image that you had everything in control. 

Daniel went with you and asked a few careful questions before he tried to keep the conversation going with some jokes and funny stories. You were glad once again that Kirtida was with you and took care of the answers in your stead. You had no mind for light conversations.

At dinner, you were looking down at your plate and ignored any attempt of introduction or flirty comments from guys. They didn't take it all that well and you felt like you had to do something about this.

__________

You got your chance on Saturday, the day of Hallowe'en Feast. Everyone was enjoying the excitement and the atmosphere was so good that you were targeted a bit less. 

_Less_ wasn't _not,_ however, and so it came as no surprise when Priscilla Barley, an unusually nasty and bitter Hufflepuff, came to you.

"Gonna show up in something slutty tonight to try and impress the dungeon bat? Seriously, are you so dumb you need to seduce him to get through Potions?" she asked with a mocking sneer. You frowned at the nickname, which was obviously addressed to Severus. 

"Jealous much? Maybe I should try out my 'slutty costume' on that wimp you like... What was his name, Andrei? You know, just to be sure it will work on the real deal." you said with a sassy smirk and left her standing with a gaping mouth.

When you came to the feast in the evening, you wore a very neat and modest dress which hugged your body tightly but had a turtle neck and were a floor-length. They were black with purple and green shades which made them look like raven feathers. You put your hair up in a bun and applied some light makeup. 

"I swear, you look like a goddess," Vistaria looked you up and down. She wore a very elegant, dark grey pantsuit, adorned with golden gobbles and she put long golden earrings on making her look very mature and sexy.

"Look who's talking," you threw the compliment back at her with a smile as you two entered the Great Hall. Kirtida was already there with her mint green blouse and navy knee-length skirt with a very, _very_ high slit. There was no way she had panties under this piece of clothing.

You came to her and Daniel, who was standing next to her, having a good time apparently. One of your brows lifted in Kirtida's direction but she just grinned at you.

"Wow, you girls all look very stunning tonight," Daniel said and he didn't look half bad himself. Your eyes scanned the room for a certain professor and when you found him standing, well, brooding in the corner of the room with his usual attire on, you had to laugh a bit.

Severus was feeling like crap. This past week was very draining for him. His mind couldn't rest, his thoughts were in disarray, his nights were sleepless. 

All his tiredness went right away when he looked at you. You were simply breathtaking. Your arms were bare up to your shoulders and your figure appeared lither since you wore a pair of black stilettos. And your figure. He didn't have a chance yet, to fully appreciate it, but this dress left a very little to the imagination as far as your curves were concerned. It accentuated your breast and hips and the lovely curve between them. 

He could spend the whole night just watching you. Ogling you like a perv really. But a very sudden and intense pain on his left forearm alarmed him and he quickly took his leave from the room without a second glance at you.


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some serious depression in this one, Lily's dying.

Severus moved on autopilot. He went through the ruins of the house and passed the body of his school bully and love rival. It brought him no joy but no sadness either. 

He came upstairs and with a dreadful feeling, he entered the nursery. He quickly noticed the living and breathing toddler but his eyes darted to the young woman on the floor. 

Breathless, lifeless. Dead. He sunk to his knees and took her in his arms in a desperate attempt to somehow put her together. To bring her back. 

He rocked her body in his and only then realised he was sobbing hurtfully. This couldn't be happening.

He was crying and screaming and weeping. His heart was hurting but soon enough his mind caught up and conjured another memory. Not this one too.

He had no idea how long he'd been there but he was sensible enough to send a message to Dumbledore. It still felt like a bad dream. 

When he finally left the house, he left with a broken heart, broken soul, but also a terrible fear. 

At dawn, when the sun was still behind the horizon but the darkness of the night was toned down by the first light, Dumbledore met with him on the Castle grounds, which Severus was pacing through for the rest of the night.

"Severus," he said carefully.

"She's dead," he answered. He was broken and angry and so so fearful.

"Voldemort will come back one day. If you really loved her, you have to protect the boy, he will be the first target."

Severus felt a blind rage inside but at the same time, he felt like he owed her. Lily's son. He was alive and the Dark Lord would come back.

"We need to be prepared for it," Dumbledore continued.

"Sure," Severus answered emptily. His life would be dedicated to a simple goal of protecting Lily's son so her sacrifice won't go nought. 

____________

You woke up after the disappointing Hallowe'en night to a quite a buzz. Which irritated you. As much as you were still angry with Severus and you were trying to keep your distance, his sudden disappearance made the party joyless to you and the many daring boys made it downright terrible. You fell asleep with a sour mood and this hyped-up morning wasn't making you feel any better.

"What the hell is all the commotion about?" you groaned at your roommates who were frantically speaking with other two girls.

"You-know-who is gone, he's defeated," Vistaria said with a hollow tone.

"Say what again?" you asked bewildered.

"Apparently he was defeated by a boy. A toddler. It's all over the morning news," one of the girls told you and handed a Daily Prophet in your direction.

You practically snatched it from her and read the title. 

_A boy who's lived. The fall of the Dark Wizard._

You opened it up and revealed the whole story, your eyes hungrily went through the sentences, paragraphs and then they halted upon a name. Lily Potter. Lily J. Potter is dead. Together with her husband James Potter. And the miracle baby, who survived, was their son Harry. 

You bolted from your bed and ran out of the dormitory, out of the common room and through the hallway to bang on the door. You were banging like a madwoman, out of your senses, until a tall dark figure finally opened the door with a quick and angry movement. 

Severus wanted no company right then but the loud banging was getting on his already fried nerves. He was ready to yell the poor soul behind the door to the floor but his mind cleared of all such thoughts once he opened it.

You stood there, panting, in your satin and lace negligee. It wasn't exactly the sexiest one. Long to your knees, beige. In his eyes, it made you look ethereal. Especially with your flushed cheeks, wide eyes and dishevelled hair. 

"Are you okay?" you asked breathlessly and with so much care in your voice, it made his chest constrict uncomfortably and his throat dried and tightened from all the emotions.

He just stood there, looking into your eyes and fighting a battle. You could see how much he was going through right then. How much he was debating his answer. 

"No," he said in a broken voice eventually and you embraced him without a second thought.

"I'm so sorry, Sev," you said and held him tightly. To you, Lily was both a friend and an enemy of sorts. She was a person which played an important role in your life but she wasn't exactly important to you. For Severus, though. That was a different story.

Severus stood there, in his doorway and he couldn't stop his arms from hugging you back. It was almost as if he held for dear life. To a certain degree, he was.

He cried yet again. You were surprised by this vulnerable side he showed you but you were sensible enough to take a quick look around the hallway and then gently push him into his room. You turned your back on him only to close the door but you felt his embrace to come back immediately, this time from behind.

"Y/N," he whispered to your hair with a sob and your heart ached for him, bled for him.

"Sev," you answered with your own tears not too far, "let me look at you."

He loosened his hold on you a bit and you turned in his arms to look back at him. You put a hand on his cheek tentatively. He was staring back at you but after a while, he grabbed your wrist and took your hand away.

"We shouldn't be doing this. I'm your professor," he tried to sound harsh and professional again.

"I know we're not exactly on good terms right now, but I'm here for you. Today I'm all yours, whatever you want or need. You're my professor but once, a long time ago, you were also my very good friend and... Just let me be here for you today, not as a student, as a friend. We can go back to our roles tomorrow, no strings attached," you said it all desperately. You knew he was breaking down and you simply needed to be right there with him. Even when you knew how much it could hurt you. Or how hard it would be for you to go back to your student role. Nothing of that was as important at that moment, as being there for Severus.

He was studying your face intently and there was yet another fight within him, two sides pulling against each other. But it was a beforehand lost battle.

"Stay, please," he said shakily and you nodded once with a tight expression.


	57. Chapter 57

You were standing awkwardly in his room then, while he was simply staring at you, looking into your eyes deeply. You felt a shiver run down through you and this time it wasn't just because of his look, you were actually cold. 

The movement made you realise, you weren't clothed properly and you blushed when you inspected your attire. Severus also noted the shudder and your self-inspection. 

"Here, let me lend you something to wear," he said and with his wand, he levitated some clothes towards you. From where you had no idea. 

It was one of his white underlayer shirts, you noticed and took it from the air. Once you put it on, it gave you an extra layer and covered your arms and cleavage but it was still just a shirt and did a poor job in covering your legs or warming you.

"Thanks," you said, though it didn't help that much. It did smell nice, however. Like him.

"It doesn't seem to help much but I don't own many clothes," he said in a hushed voice and turned towards a tiny cauldron and lit a fire underneath it. "I'll make you something warm and spicy." He got to his work and you were kinda mesmerised by his elegant fingers for a while, before remembering why you were there in the first place.

"Sev, talk to me," you started and waited for some kind of reaction. None came for good three minutes of his meticulous work on your hot beverage. 

"There's not much to say, Y/N, she's dead. Murdered by a man I swore my allegiance to. A man, whose fanaticism killed my mother!" he was fuming at the end and he turned from the boiling cauldron and banged his first to a nearby desk. "I'm bringing doom to every person I ever loved!" he yelled and banged his fist twice more.

"Your mother?" you whispered, the tears in your eyes making your vision blurry.

Severus just hung his head and proceeded with the preparation of the drink. You had no idea his mother was dead. In an attempt to calm his raw emotions you moved towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

His reaction was immediate and to you a bit surprising. He spun around and took you into another tight embrace.

"Y/N," he whispered your name into our hair almost as if it was a secret enchantment, "you're the only one I have left." 

You started to cry and felt his shaking form all around you, joining your quiet sobs. You had no idea how long you had been standing like that but unlike in movies, it couldn't have been that long because a strange bubbly noise came from the cauldron, which made Severus leave your side immediately. He poured one cup of the smoking drink for you and one for himself, figuring that he could do with something warm too. 

You only then noticed, that you were in his office. That wasn't strange at all, because usually, students had no idea where the Professors had their private quarters. The odd thing was, that he was there. An so early in the morning.

"Why are you here? I mean, in your office?" you asked as you sat down in the chair with the hot drink which smelled strongly of cinnamon and bergamot. By the colour, you'd guess milk was part of the drink too.

"I didn't really sleep," he said and sighed while creasing his brown.

"You should take a day to rest. I mean, it's Sunday and the whole Castle is buzzing with the news. I wouldn't be surprised if there was some kind of a party to celebrate," you said and watched his frown deepen.

"Celebrate," he said disdainfully. 

"One more reason to lock yourself here and get some rest," you told him. This wouldn't be easy on him. Everyone else would celebrate the fall of the Dark Wizard but Severus was mourning.

"You might be right... for once," he said with another sigh and the corner of your mouth raised at his comment.

"You always had a talent for snarky comments and offending compliments."

That made Severus smile softly. His mind trailed to the fond memories of you two for a while and he felt like the pounding headache stopped for that small amount of time.

"You always knew how to make me feel more at ease," he admitted and you looked at him from behind the cup you held in front of your face. You brought your legs up on the chair in an attempt to make yourself warmer but the minute you did it, Severus turned from you.

"That's probably not the most modest position," he said tightly and cleared his throat. You realised he was right and quickly let the legs fall back down.

"Sorry, I tried to get warmer."

He turned back to you and studied you for a moment.

"I think this wasn't such a great idea, after all. You're about to freeze here."

You could tell just by one look into his eyes that he was building his walls up once again.

"Why are you doing this? Why are you always warming up to me in one moment and then acting like a cold jerk the next?" you asked honestly, not angrily. The question left him open and vulnerable. How could he answer that?

"I'm confused, too. I have no idea what... I mean I have but... it won't..." he wasn't babbling really. His speech was slow and deliberate as if he was just mulling over his feelings out loud.

"I see, so it's still confusing and unclear to you," you said in monotone and you tried your best to get any hurt or frustration out of your voice but Severus looked at you questioningly anyway. He could hear the undertoned accusation loud and clear. "Look, Sev, I think we've been at this for far too long. I loved your pretty much from the moment I met you. With time I fell in love with you. For me, it's that simple. I know you have some... issues to go through, I know how you feel about the fact our parents knew each other and cursed each other and I also know, that you have a hard time sorting through your emotions. But I really can't keep this up forever. I can't wait for you like a puppy."

You were searching his eyes for some reaction but his face was stoic and completely unreadable. That was the face he had when his emotions were raging the most inside him. Or it used to be. You realised you can't really presume he is the same guy who left you three years ago because he was scared of his own feelings and wanted to be great.

"You're right, you shouldn't wait for me," he said and completely threw you off. 

"What?" 

Severus was raging inside but he knew there was no way for him to give you what you want. He wasn't stable and he definitely wasn't safe. 

"I said, that you should let go."

A tear fell down your face.

"Why?" you asked. 

"I can't give you what you want," he answered sincerely. "I never will. I can't protect you from the mess I've created, I can't... open up properly. At least not as much as you'd like. I still doubt the origins of my feelings. I'm... scared," he finally said with wide eyes.

"I'm terrified." He put his cup down on the table and came to you. He grabbed your hand and squatted down to be more eye-level with you. The scene reminded you of your first kiss. Severus cupped your face, his eyes conveying more than his words ever could. He feared to lose you and he was willing to let go of you if it meant you'd be safe. You frowned and shook your head frantically. 

"He's gone, what are you still so afraid of?" you asked.

"He'll come back and I need to be ready when he will," he said simply. You wanted to scream, but instead, you just stood up quickly and he mirrored the movement. The distance between you was very small, which made you recline your head and look upwards.

"Why you? Why does it have to be you?! Why can't you live happily from now on? You suffered more than anyone I know and you deserve _your_ time and _your_ happiness!"

"I don't deserve anything! She's dead because of me! They both are!"

"That's bullshit!!! It would make no difference! Do you seriously think He wouldn't kill them if you weren't on his side?!"

"I was a spy! I gave him the info about the boy who would-!" 

A loud slap was resonating in the room as you could no longer take this. Tears were running freely down your face and you felt yourself trembling. Severus was looking at the ground, still in shock from the loud and strong impact on his face.

"What about me?" you whispered. "Where am I in all this?" 

There was a long and pregnant pause as he managed to look you in the eyes again and searched his mind for an answer.

"You're not," he said eventually. "That's what I'm trying to tell you here. I need to protect the boy once the Dark Lord comes back."

"How come that even when she's gone, she still wins you over?" you asked desperately with a hiccuped sob at the end. "Why don't _I_ ever get a chance?"

This was too hard on you, you had to go away. You were turning to speed away from the room but long deft finger curled around your arm and stopped you. You turned your face to him and saw silent tears on his face. 

"NO! You don't have the right to cry now!" you screamed at him and tried to get away from him but he simply took your face to his hands and kissed you. It wasn't the passionate kiss you once shared and it wasn't exactly an innocent one either. It was deep and slow and you were yelling in your head that you were even kissing him back! 


	58. Chapter 58

Severus was in deeply. No matter how reasonable he's trying to be, how indifferent to you and your feelings, something always pushes him back to you. The moment he saw your tears and the hurt in your eyes. When you told him what was weighing you down. The suffering you most likely underwent for many years. He couldn't let you go. To hell with Dumbledore and Voldemort.

He pressed his lips to yours without a second thought. There was one goal in his mind, to make you stop crying, to make you smile. Because as much as Lily's death hurt him with its definitiveness, your sad and tearful eyes tugged onto something deep in his chest and the thought of you hating him, being sad and hurt, was insufferable. He went down from your lips to your cheeks, kissing away the tears softly. The salty kisses somehow tasted bitter, for he knew who caused the tears. His arms wrapped around you and moved slowly, caressing every part of your body they came to contact with. You were as soft as he dreamed of. So pliant and supple under his hands. 

"Y/N," he whispered against your jaw, while he peppered it with light kisses. "Y/N," he said against your neck. He whispered your name, again and again, to tell you that it was _you_ who he was thinking of the most, _you_ who he cared about, _you_ who plagued his mind day and night.

You were practically melting under Severus' sweet kisses and caring touches but you were so confused.

"Sev... what-" you tried to ask him.

"Shh, you were right. I can't help but... care about you. I hate it when you talk with that imp Daniel, I hate every guy in this school who thinks about you inappropriately, which is most of the sixth and seventh years."

"So..." You were still too confused to process it all. Severus was like a hurricane, he shook the very foundation on which you were standing.

"So, be mine." He said while making reassuring circles on your back. You were thinking about it for long minutes.

"No," you whispered and surprised even yourself. He took leaned away from you and searched your face for some explanation. Or rather confirmation that he heard correctly.

"Sev, can't you see what you're doing? You're just using me, _again_ , to numb the pain Lily's death caused you and I'm sick and tired of being your second choice. I came here today so you could talk to me, so you could mourn her properly, to get her out of your system. Not to fill the void she left behind. I came here not as a student, nor a seventeen-year-old me who wants you so badly, it sometimes drives her crazy. I told you at the beginning, I came as your old friend, someone to keep you company in these hard times and I'm not ready for anything more."

Severus was quite taken aback. He frowned.

"Really, now? That's _all_ you've come here to do? So how would you explain that angry spiel a moment ago?"

It was your time to frown. How indeed? You sighed.

"You were right, this was a bad idea. I can't be your friend without breaking my own heart," you said defeatedly. You turned slowly to go and this time he didn't stop you. Until you were at his door that is.

"I cried the whole night, didn't sleep and couldn't think of anything other than how it was all my fault," he said quietly as your hand grabbed the handle. You looked down. This was the talk you were supposed to have. You slowly turned to see he didn't move towards you, he simply started to talk. 

"I thought of how I failed her and then I thought of how I failed my mother."

"Tell me about your mum, did you... did you see it?" you asked tentatively and your body slowly moved towards the chair you were sitting at before. He saw it and decided to sit at the opposite end of the desk, much like he would, if you were one of his students in trouble. It was a thin line between being his student and being his. Severus needed the distance of the wooden desk between you to not cross that line.

"No, Dumbledore sent me a letter."

"Dumbledore?" you asked suspiciously. That man was in Severus' business way too much and you were starting to hate it. 

"Remember when I was supposedly a homeless person? My mum kicked me out and I asked Dumbledore for help. I didn't know back then but he actually came to talk to my mother and offered her a hideaway. She knew Dark Lord or one of his sympathisers would eventually find her and kill her. She was a Pure-blood who married a Muggle, a blood-traitor. I was so mad at her back then. Dumbledore wrote to me the whole story and how she died while searching for my father... or maybe yours. She never recovered from the curse..." he trailed off and exhaled, his shoulders slumping a little. You were staring at him, wide-eyed. Only once or twice before had Severus opened himself to you so much. Despite yourself and despite the situation, you had to smile at the thought a bit.

"I'm sorry, Sev," you tried to say empathically. He just nodded, staring into the cup of a still-warm drink he made earlier. 

"I just... wish she had told me, so I could... tell her," he confessed and that's when it really drove home to you how much guilt and regrets he has concerning the two recent deaths of his loved ones. 

"I'm sure she didn't hold anything against you, Severus. She treated you badly your whole life and though the curse was mostly to blame, she couldn't have expected you to be loving towards her," you said. It was harsh, but to you, it was true and the most genuine thing you could tell him. You inhaled deeply, preparing for what was to come next.

"And Lily? How did you... find out? You said you didn't sleep all night."

He was searching in your face very intently. For what? You had no idea. I fact, Severus was simply trying to discern if you'd be able to withstand this conversation. Were you really okay with this? Would you be okay once he confessed everything?

"I found them. I was one of the very few people who had any idea where they might be. At the Hallowe'en Feast, my forearm stung nad hurt and I went off to inspect it, though I knew with a dreadful certainty what happened."

At this point, Severus was already shaking with both fists tightly clenched on the table. 

"I ran to all three places which were considered for their hideout. I found the house and came in."

His voice was now eerily calm and low.

"I saw Potter lying on the floor, dead and paid him little to no attention. I went upstairs with a terrible, nauseating feeling. As I entered the nursery, my eyes first darted towards the only movement in the room, the toddler in the crib. Then I saw her."

Severus stopped and the first tear of many fell down.

"She was lying there, lifeless. My first thought was to curse the innocent baby, for a brief moment, I almost wanted to kill him. But I was drawn back to her and-" he sobbed and stopped talking, which was a cue for your body to stand up, walk around the table and hug his slumped body from behind. You placed your arms around his and tightly hugged him, while your chin rested on his right shoulder.


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay! So I killed off Lily, Severus had his breakdown and so did we and this chapter is pretty much the fluff I just needed to write right now. I would really like to go back to the angsty track somehow but at the same time this was just a necessity for me SO... we'll see how I'll manage in the future 😅

You lightly tugged Severus to make him stand up.

"Sev, come on. I would love to stay with you like this but you look tired, you need some sleep," you said and tried to nudge him more. Slowly, his body raised up and he practically dragged his feet. You never saw him this inelegant before and it brought a fuzzy feeling to your chest. Something between warmth, caring and amusement.

Severus took you by your hand, gently and dragged you to a big mirror in his hung on the wall of his study. He blew a breath onto the glass, making it foggy and wrote 'Severus' with his finger. The mirror disappeared in a hazy movement as if it was only a mirage before and wooden door appeared instead. You looked at it with interest. If you had to guess, you'd say this door lead to his chambers. 

Severus opened the door, with your hand still clutched in his and came through to his room. Nothing too excessive or big, much like you predicted, but it had that dark and cosy feeling you so often connected with Severus. A modest but wide bed was dominant of the room, there was another door, leading to lavatory you guessed, a desk with a chair near a window with an awesome view - a half to the horizon and a half under the Black Lake's surface, many shelves of different books and some strange artefacts, a heart and a dresser.

"I don't think I could fall asleep even if I wanted to but you should get a bit warmer," he said and lead you to his bed where he pushed you down to sit and took his blanket to cover you.

"Sev-"

"Don't. Just get inside," he used his authoritative voice and you slipped your feet under the cover and tried to make yourself comfortable against the headboard. Severus pulled out his wand and fire started to crackle in the hearth. Severus smiled at that, he thought he would never use it. He hadn't until then. 

"Severus, I didn't want to get warm and comfy in your bed, I wanted you to get some sleep," you said resolutely and were about to uncover yourself and leave the bed but he came to you and practically pinned you down to the bed with half of his weight over you. He laid on the covers so there'd be some sort of barrier between you two but he put his head onto your lap. Silence. There was nothing smart coming to you to say and Severus simply didn't want to talk, he just enjoyed the closeness. It was one of the best feelings he felt... maybe ever. This serenity. Once again you calmed him down and almost transported him to his personal paradise. A calm and quiet world of his own and you were like the main actress, extras and backstage support of this show, all in one. He put one arm around your knees and settled his head in your lap comfortably with a content sigh.

You were stunned speechless. And motionless. And windblown. For the longest five minutes of your life, you had no idea what to do or say. Severus, on the other hand, was enjoying them immensely. Until he started to repeat the things of the past 48 hours in his head. He lost Lily and that hurt. He almost lost you for good because he's a mean, bad-tempered dunderhead and that was terrifying. 

"I'm sorry," he said out of nowhere and it shocked you anew. After all that has transpired between you two since the start of the year, this seemed ridiculous. There were no words you could use and so you simply put a hand in his hair. It was soft and shiny _so freaking good_ to go through with your fingers.

The movement stunned Severus. He wasn't used to such caressing touches and he felt a bit uncomfortable and tense at the beginning. That went away once you started to scrape his scalp lightly with your nails and sift shudders went through his body. He let out a satisfied hum involuntarily.

You stopped your hands in his hair right after that. The small vibrations of his hum in your lap making you... very aware of certain parts of your body. Curse him and his sexy... everything! With a deep inhale you returned to massaging his head just as he was about to ask what was wrong.

It took about fifteen minutes of your soft brushes and patting and Severus fell asleep, deeply and peacefully. You noticed his light snores and giggled at them quietly so he wouldn't wake up. It was adorable, really. You studied his face, each feature. There weren't many, if any, chances to study his face from this close without any emotional fog, his or yours. Your fingers ran across his thick bushy eyebrows and you kinda liked the feeling. Then you outlined his proud, aristocratic nose. He said his mother was a pure-blood and if she could go by her father's description, Severus was very much like his mother, physically speaking.

Your thoughts went to your mother and your worries about her. You still had no message about her and you had no idea if you should take it as good news or bad ones. Now that Dark Lord was gone, would she miraculously pop up out of nowhere? Or would they find her... You didn't finish that thought.

____________

You had no idea when exactly had you dozed off but you woke up, lying comfortably in the bed, which was in itself strange. You were sitting in it with Severus' head in your lap. Severus. You turned in the bed to look around. There were no signs of him anywhere, 

"Sev?" you tried to ask into the still and silent room. The door to his lavatory opened and for a moment you imagined him walking out, half-naked and fresh out of the shower, with wet hair dripping down his neck and torso-

"You okay?" he asked, fully clothed and you snapped out of it.

"Yeah... what time is it?" you asked and tried to collect yourself some more.

"No idea. I woke up a minute ago."

He looked better. Not well, but better. His complexion gained some colour and the eye bags were not gone completely but lighter and smoother. Even his eyes gain a bit of their previous intensity.

"It's quarter past two," he said suddenly and you looked at him with wide eyes.

"Come again? We slept through lunch?" you asked and he had to smile a bit at that. He went out without a word and you just stared after him. You had no idea what to do, you were in his bed, still in your neglige and his shirt and he just went out without saying a word.

When he came back, you couldn't really be mad at him because he had a deliciously smelling apple pie.

You spent the rest of the day with Severus, simply being and talking with some hugging and gentle touches. When the night came, you waited a little while after the curfew to sneak back to your dorm in your less-than-appropriate clothes with a smile. You regretted nothing.


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Solo this chapter....when I started this I thought it would be a two months project and we would finish by now...which didn't happen 😅 so bare with me some more please.
> 
> Also I'm without WiFi today, some trouble I don't understand and so I had to write it on my mobile phone which means:  
> 1) there may be more mistakes  
> 2) it can be a bit shorter... it's hard to say since the screen is not only smaller but also a different shape
> 
> Anyway please enjoy ❤️ and hopefully everything will be okay tomorrow 😉

Though you missed the first-day festivities and joyous celebration, you could dip into the atmosphere the next day. It was Monday but the classes were usually very free, some professors leaving their students to their own devices. Of course, Severus was continuing his lessons, but you could see his head wasn't into the work.

Severus was sure to make it crystal clear that there would be no celebrating in his class. He was more irritable than usual and whenever someone as much as mentioned anything about the Dark Lord's fall, he took extra measures to be mean. He probably instilled fear in every student he had that day, until your class.

When he walked into the room, his eyes automatically found yours without a thought. You were sitting next to your friend and this time, to his relief, there was no arm around your shoulders. The imp wasn't even anywhere near you. Good. Somehow he felt his mood improved significantly just with you in his eyesight. It was still a little unnerving for him. Even if he more or less decided to let go of the bad and try to live his life peacefully with you, he still had his doubts. 

One, should he be concerned about all the things he saw in those pigs' brains? Two, what about the imp? Three, the curse...is he cursed or not? And you? Four... Can he love you the way you deserve?

Severus was spiralling into the depths of his self-doubt and he noticed, with a deep frown, it affects his work. Luckily, one look at you made him steel his resolve and draw up his wants and needs.

The whole lesson was circling between these two states for him and neither was good for his working morale and so, in the end, the potion he brewed was so bad he told the whole class they shall not even look at its colour or smell it because it could be misleading. Not that they would know the subtle difference between his bad work and good work. On his worst days, he would still do it twice as better than the best out of them on their best day. 

"I'll prepare the potion for you before the next class to see it in its best. Study the supposed colour and smell in your textbooks, you'll be expected to find the differences between the written word and what you'll see. End of class," he growled the last sentence out.

The students quickly packed and left but you were a bit concerned with Severus and so you stalled behind. When you tried to let Kirtida know that she should go ahead, she was already in the doorway, practically dragging Daniel, who looked a bit perplexed and hesitantly looked back at you, away from the Potion Classroom.

You sent a quick silent thank you to her in your head and felt a pang of guilt, seeing Daniel falling for you all over again. Sooner or later you would have to talk to him. But now you were concerned with someone else.

"Are you okay?" you asked Severus when you were finally left alone. He gave you a half-smile which could be an attempt for a full one or a mocking sneer. You chose to believe it was the first, after all, you had seen his sneers before and this seemed different.

"Do you, perhaps, want to... I don't know... talk about it?"

"We did that yesterday," he said simply.

"Riiight. Sure. Do you..." Why was it so awkward suddenly? "...nevermind." You turned to leave and tried to figure out what your current relationship was. 

"Y/N." You stopped and turned to him.

"Yes?" He was watching from his sitting position, both hands under his chin with fingers crossed. It was... strangely attractive.

"Come tomorrow after your classes end," he said without any further explanation and turned his eyes to the parchment on his desk. There was a mix of emotions flooding your system, but you decided to not ask more questions and left the classroom. There were some things you needed to do. Like talking to Daniel for example or write to your father _again_ and hope he would send you a letter back this time. 


	61. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm late!!! sorry guys, my wi-fi sucks and kinda bailed on me for two days!!! so with a delay, yesterday's chapter 😉
> 
> I'll try really hard to write today's chapter today and post it as well, but not promising anything 😅

The whole Tuesday you were feeling like you were sitting on thorns. Your body was squirming and you were uncomfortable no matter what you did. 

"What's with you today?" Vistaria asked at lunch.

"Nothing."

"Sure, honey," Kirtida said with a sweet smile while Vistaria frowned and said: "Nothing my ass." 

Your teeth nervously played with your lower lip as you turned the food on your plate from side to side.

"Severus wants to meet today," you whispered, not comfortable saying his first name out loud in the Great Hall full of people.

Kirtida smiled and even clasped her hands a few times to convey her enthusiasm. Vistaria have you that defeated smile/sigh. 

"I mean, seriously, you put in that man so much effort that at this point even I'd be upset if you won't end up together," she said while shaking her head lightly. It made you laugh.

"What about you and Gilderoy?" you asked and tried your best to not be disgusted.

"Ugh, that guy's sick, I'm telling you," she said. "No more men for me, thank you very much."

Kirtida laughed like a madwoman.

"Oh, we'll see about that," she said in that cryptic way, which meant she had a vision or feeling or whatever. You knew and so did Vistaria.

"You've seen something?" she asked suspiciously and Kirtida just grinned at her. "Tell me!"

"No will do."

"Not fair! Your so supportive of Y/N front he beginning but won't even tell me?" Vistaria complained.

"Some relationships need a push and some need quiet observing," Kirtida said and shrugged her shoulders. 

__________

You went through the dungeons and tried to calm down. What could he possibly want? There was no better way to find out than ask and so you stepped in front of the thick wooden door to his study and knocked strongly and fearlessly. 

The door opened and you entered. Severus was sitting behind his desk, barely noticing you and he scratched something furiously on a parchment.

"Sit," he said after a while and you nervously sat down. Upon closer inspection, you could tell he was revising and grading some school papers on the effects of moonshine and wolfsbane. 

You guessed it was a fourth-year assignment and waited what would happen next. Severus tried to finish quickly to not let you wait for long but this damn assignment was full of idiotic nonsense. 

"Give me a moment here," he mumbled absentmindedly as he scribbled something in hurry. You couldn't help but admire his nimble fingers and elegant handwriting. His penmanship was truly an art.

He finished with a long exhale and finally looked at you.

"So... why am I here..." you drawled out an tried to figure if this situation was friendly or formal, "professor," you said eventually, just to be safe. His eyes darted around your face from one feature to the other, never stopping for long, as if he just tried to frantically memorise the details. Which was exactly what he was doing, though unconsciously. 

"I have a meeting with Dumbledore tonight, apparently, he's... concerned about... us?" he said it all slowly, trying to figure out how to say what was on his mind. You frowned.

"I just have about enough of that old man," you mumbled angrily and surprised Severus immensely. He had to laugh at the statement. Dumbledore was called many names but even his enemies feared and respected him. 

"You should watch your thoughts around him if this is really what you think of him," he said with a smile. You were mesmerised by the joyous display, Severus wasn't exactly an epitome for happy and easygoing. Registering his words you scoffed.

"Oh, please, I was learning how to conceal my thoughts since you told me Jacob was a Legilimens. And I know this little thing," you said nad played with the beaded bracelet on your wrist, "helps too. Thanks for that, by the way," you said with a smile which he returned.

"Dumbledore isn't exactly a novice in this department and he can slowly crawl into your head without you even noticing."

"I know, he's a sly fox, nothing new. I'll be careful, I promise." He nodded as a response.

"I just wanted to warn you. He may play for the so-called greater good but he's still a chess player. To him, all of us are just chess figures, most of us mere pawns in his great game."

"Nothing new there, either. I know most people adore him and some Slytherins hate him for obvious reasons. I simply resent the guy for who he is and admire him for his magical prowess," you tried to explain your thoughts on you Headmaster. "So why did you invite me? I mean, you just wanted to tell me that you had a meeting and I should be careful around Dumbledore?"

He took a while to contemplate and study your face, again.

"No, I... there could be certain consequences to my meeting. Like, for example, I may be asked to restrain myself around you more and I'd have to... play the part," he said carefully and you started to catch on the wind he's blowing.

"So, basically, you're telling me we would have to distance ourselves from each other," you said.

"For a while," he added to your statement as if to try and make it better. You sighed.

"Well, at least this time I get ahead warning," you said bitterly and crossed your arms with a pout. Damn Dumbledore. Severus had to smile.

"You may conceal your thoughts well but your gestures and faces can be just as expressive," he said with a thick undertone of affection which startled even him. You looked him in the eyes and saw his inner struggle. He was trying to make you happy while keeping you from trouble. You relaxed your posture.

"This may be a good thing. You need your time for mourning and I need to settle a few things too." There was a pause. "So, I guess I should go if that's all."

"No, it's not," he said and stood up to go around the desk and take your hands in his. He helped you to stand up and one of his hands caressed your cheek and then cradled your head back a bit. His other hand settled on the small of your back and you waited for the kiss that was due to come. Severus didn't move though. He tipped his head lower ever-so-slightly but he was just watching you intently. Then he shuddered. 

"I don't know..." he said breathily.

"What?" you asked in a similar breathy way when he didn't elaborate.

"If I should take an extra dose of you before I go to Dumbledore and kiss you to oblivion or if I should restrain myself and wait for everything to... uncomplicate itself. Which one should make me less crazy while we're apart?" he asked in that monotone voice and once again you felt like he was voicing his thoughts aloud, without intending to do so. You reciprocated his intense stare and tried to make a coherent sentence with not much luck.

"Kiss me," you whispered and could see his eyelids flutter so slightly, you doubted it happened at all.

"You shouldn't be allowed to say those words," he groaned and closed the distance between you two. 


	62. Chapter 62

This was far from distancing yourself, far from giving him space to mourn far from your original plans. But damn, did it feel good. Somehow, the idea of forced separation by whatever Dumbledore had in mind, made you realise just how feeble and weak your resolution was. You wanted to give him that much-needed space to recover from his emotional hurt but you were not ready to do it. As much as you couldn't stand Dumbledore's ways of manipulating Severus, you had to admit that you probably wouldn't mind his intervention this time. Some external circumstances to keep you apart would be very helpful because, at the moment, you couldn't come up with a strong enough argument against raking your fingers through Severus' hair and practically climb his body as he was taking your breath away with a very needy and passionate kiss. 

Severus was of the sound mind to lock the door as he raised you up on his desk and wedged his body between your legs. A gasp left your lips at the friction he created by the movement, which made him stop and make a bit of space between you two while sliding his hands up and down your thighs. He needed to regain his composure. He was 21 for Merlin's sake and were he honest with himself a bit of a late-bloomer. He was as much under the control of his bodily needs as he would ever be in his life so even for his usually stoic nature, it was hard to keep this... well, not exactly modest but at least teenage-friendly.

"We should..." he started but was silenced by a kiss of your own initiative, this one less heated and more curious and exploring. Also shorter.

"Just for a little while," you begged. "If I really won't be able to..." you didn't finish the thought. "I just want to have something to hold onto while waiting. I waited for way too long to keep at it without some sort of... I don't know, assurance."

He understood perfectly well. His emotional instability was leaving you open and vulnerable to his every whim for the many past years and it was slowly but surely eating away at your own emotional stability.

"Hey, Y/N, I know you've waited a long time and this one may be long overdue, but..." he stopped and gulped down his own insecurities, "though I can't say with a clear conscience that I'm in love you, I _can_ say that, for what it's worth, I _do_ love you."

It was the little steps he did like this one, why you were still hooked on him. Whenever you felt like giving up, he always did something to give you hope, whenever you felt like you were drowning in your feelings he said something to catch you before you could drown completely. You smiled at him and stroked his face.

"I know, I'll wait. That's why I said this may be a good thing after all."

You hopped off the desk and straightened your rumpled clothes and disarrayed hair. Severus was watching you and keeping his emotions at bay. Once again, his eyes were taking as much of you as they could, trying to etch the image into his brain. 

You brushed past him with a reassuring but sad smile. This was a sort of a short-term, _hopefully_ short-term, goodbye. his face turned stoic again.

"Ms Y/L/N," he said in that detached voice he used at his students when he tried to be civil with them. You couldn't help the last chuckle but quickly schooled your features into what you hoped was a neutral face.

"Professor Snape," you said and left the room he unlocked on your way to the door.

_____________

Severus was on his way from the Headmaster's office, his stride quick and his face menacing so much, the students who met him in the halls of the Castle practically jumped from his way. He knew the talk would rile his anger but _this_... outmatched his expectations by miles. 

_"I thought you loved her, what's going on here, Severus?"_

Even thinking back to it made him furious anew. How _dare_ he question his love for Lily? How _dare_ he compare the two of you?

_"I know you're suffering, Severus, but she's a young girl and your student. You can't use her to fill that void you're feeling right now."_

Tch! The audacity of that man! As if he was simply using you! He was enraged by the implications the Headmaster did. He would never abuse you like that! Or would he... his mind flashed back to the day he so indiscreetly and insensitively implied you were easy. He flinched at the memory. 

When Severus finally arrived at his room he slumped down to his chair. He had some time to cool off a bit and he could think relatively clearly. The outcome he came to was... not exactly shocking but awaking at least. He was a sick bastard. Much like his father. He couldn't control his anger, nor his desires. When he had time to think of all the times he hurt you and in what way he did it... he couldn't help but admire your perseverance in loving him. He even started to doubt your sanity. Or were you a masochist? Or did you... really love him that much? And if so, was it possible to love like that without being cursed or being affected by a love potion. 

This was the breaking point, he knew it. There was still doubt in him. All the messed up things he had done, the joke his life was, he couldn't believe your feelings to be genuine even if he wanted to so badly. And so he made a decision. He would have to lay low for some time to put off Dumbledore but in the meantime, he would investigate and research. He would use the time given to him efficiently. Hw would get the answers to the questions which were heavily resting in his head for over three years.

_____________

Two days later, the anticipated double-Potions were ahead of you and you stayed outside the classroom and waited. Kirtida was next to you, obviously caught up in her own head but waiting diligently with you.

"Oy, Y/L/N, waiting for me?" you heard a familiar voice and gave a confident smirk in his direction.

"It's your lucky day, Woodlock," you said and saw a lazy smile on Daniel's face, which quickly turned to one of fake fear.

"We should be careful, though, or the dungeon bat will have our heads," he whispered and you rolled your eyes. Kirtida just frowned.

"Not funny. I actually need to talk to you. Have time after this?" you asked and he eyed you suspiciously, growing serious. 

"You never asked me out before. Hell, you never ask anyone out," he said strangely.

"Not true," Kirtida said dryly and you registered the nasty glare Daniel threw her. Were you missing something here?

"Okaaaay..." you drawled, "what's going on here?" you asked and looked from one to the other.

"He's not capable of letting go of his puppy love for you and tells _me_ I'm the incompetent one," Kirtida says angrily but Daniel isn't exactly one to keep his head cool either.

"Because you're crazy! No way am I gonna end up with your other friend!"

"Other friend?" you asked and Kirtida looked at you with a sigh.

"I had a dream. He's gonna find his happy ending with Vistaria, but is too THICK-HEADED TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT!" she said the later half in his direction in raised voice since he didn't want to listen to it and was leaving. 

"It's not a fact!" he growled as he quickly paced back when he was called 'thick-headed'. "It's just one of your crazy schemes or whatever! Much like your little project with Y/N and our _dear Potions Professor_ ," he said with a big dose of sarcasm. 

"They're not schemes! THEY'RE VISIONS!" she yelled at him and you noticed how close they were standing, practically sticking their faces out to the other's personal space. It looked very familiar to you, this was how you were with Severus a few weeks ago - angry, frustrated and with unresolved sexual tension. Oh. A big grin displayed on your face.

"Are you sure it's him and Vis and not you? I mean, get a room you two," you said teasingly and they both turned in shock and anger and spieled some cuss word in your way accompanied by many questions about your mental health. You laughed at them hard.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," you said eventually, still laughing. "We should go inside before the class starts."

You moved into the room and with a glance back, saw how they were both pouting and awkwardly trying to keep a distance from each other. They could really make one funny couple, you thought, but at the same time you believed in Kirtida and her Inner Eye, so if she said Daniel would end up with Vistaria, you would bet it would happen. 


	63. Chapter 63

It was easy to keep your distance from Severus when you weren't in a closed, dark, dungeon room full of dizzying potion vapours. You had to give it to him, he really was treating you no better or worse than the rest, so poorly. He really ought to work on his teaching and social skills, you thought. Even you were doing great except for one or two... okay maybe like five dirty fantasies and many lewd compliments on his dexterous fingers in your head.

Severus couldn't help the slight excitement before your class. Every time he sat at the meals in the Great Hall, his eyes were darting towards the Slytherin table, trying to find you. He thanked Merlin and the Sorting Hat you were a Slytherin and he was the Head of the House so it wasn't too odd. He could barely hold a conversation during lunch before the class, not that he was normally a social person, but out of respect towards his older colleagues, most of whom were his teachers too, he tried to indulge them. This time, no such thing. Flitwick was trying to draw him into a conversation about the latest changes in the Ministry of Magic, but Severus had a hard time keeping up with the man, his thoughts elsewhere.

Once he came to the classroom, he tried his best to not look at you the first thing he does. That went well but once he _did_ look at you, he thought he stopped a second too long on your face and the pause between sentences he was just saying, which he could not recall for the world, too. 

He could almost imagine his hands running along the curve of your hips, his lips brushing along your jaw, your breathy-

No, stop, concentrate, he scolded himself and for the rest of the lesson, he thought he did a decent job of ignoring the invading thoughts of everything _you_.

______________

It all went surprisingly well for two weeks. Severus concentrated all his spare energy into the research of curses and antidotes for love potions. You had it a tad more difficult because it looked like the situation between Daniel and Kirtida was escalating quickly and out of control.

"I'm not meeting her!" you once happened upon them, obviously fighting in the hallway.

"Why, the bloody Gorgons, not?!" Kirtida yelled back and had to sigh.

"What's that about?" a familiar voice of Vistaria said from behind you and startled you. In a heartbeat, you grabbed her forearm and pulled her towards the arguing couple while Vis was complaining about your strange behaviour.

"Here! Vistara, this is Daniel, as you surely know. Dan, this is Vis, it's not like you haven't seen her in my company. Kirtida thinks you two are destined to be together," you said quickly while the three were just staring at you and Vistaria made an inaudible gasp at the end.

"Y/N!! For Merlin's pants! Vis wasn't supposed to know!" Kirtida turned her anger towards you and you just blinked at the sudden change.

"If that were true, then your sixth sense should have warned you against telling me in the first place!" you retorted and that made her shut her mouth and crease her brows.

"You're right," she said quietly, deep in thought.

"Hello?!" Daniel said like a drama queen you knew he was. He was staring daggers at you and when you turned to Vistaria, she still looked confused but eventually, it was her who spoke next.

"I know that you're usually right about these things, Kir, but I don't see the two of us together. I mean, we both like Quidditch, he looks like a fun guy and I have nothing against the visuals-"

"Thanks," Dan interrupted dryly.

"BUT I don't feel anything... we could be good friends I guess," she finished and Dan huffed out some held up breath.

"Yeah, I like to race her on the pitch but I don't see the two of us happening," Daniel agreed.

"That's because she's ruined it!" Kirtida whined like a baby and pointed her finger at me. Tch!

"Okay, I have other things to worry about than this, see you," you said and left before more drama would occur. 

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!" you heard the yell from behind you.

_______________

"Hey, take it easy, no one's ruined anything," Vistaria tried to calm down Kirtida who was on a verge of a panic attack.

"You don't understand! This is wrong! I saw-"

"Maybe you shouldn't put so much weight on your prophecies. Divination is not an exact sphere of magic," Daniel tried to help and calm her down. As much as he argued against all this, a small part of him felt like maybe he could entertain the idea of dating Vistaria if it would keep Kirtida sane and out of his hair. 

Kirtida frantically looked around on nothing in particular. She really was losing it. 

"You don't understand... I saw it, you two kissed and then you," she said with a pointed look towards Daniel, "were talking with Y/N about how happy you were with her friend!"

"And that's it?" Vistaria asked? "Y/N has many friends... you for example."

"That's the only one! Everyone either hates her or thirsts after her!" Kirtida exclaimed exasperatedly. 

"She speaks with Xeno... maybe," Vistaria didn't finish when Daniel threw her a nasty look.

"I'm into girls, thank you very much," he said and Vistaria just grinned.

"Doesn't mean you can't be into boys too."

"Enough! It doesn't explain the kiss!" Kirtida screamed, really losing it even without them arguing about Dan's sexual orientation. 

"So we kissed, big deal. Maybe we play some stupid game, or it's a dare or maybe we're just drunk. Maybe we'll do it just to make you shut up about it," Daniel said and quite frankly thought about doing it right at the very spot. He looked to Vistaria who shrugged her shoulders, apparently thinking the same. Daniel took the two steps towards her and kissed her. Not exactly a quick peck on the lips but nothing too long or passionate. It wasn't exactly bad but... it was nice. Nice means it has no spice, something was missing and when he let go of her, he could tell Vistaria was thinking pretty much the same.

"Nothing," she said for confirmation. "Though you are a pretty good kisser, technically speaking." He couldn't help the satisfied smug smirk but then he turned to Kirtida who was pale and shocked, which made him frown immediately.

"Hey, you okay? I thought this would solve your problem but you look as if you saw a ghost."

"I need to go, sorry," she whispered and practically ran off. 

"She's an oddball," he said and Vistaria chuckled.

"You have no idea. But that's why she's so adorable so if you hurt her, I hurt you ten times as bad, are we clear?" she said threateningly.

"Wait, what now?"

"She had a point, Y/N doesn't have that many friends, so if there was any truth to her vision..." she let the sentence hanging in the air and then left when she understood she wouldn't get any reaction out of Daniel. He was standing, frozen on the spot, deep in thought.

Vistaria had to smile as she left him there, standing. To think that after all her boy troubles and mishaps she would be the reasonable one out of the three girls... maybe her bad experiences weren't so bad after all. It gave her a bit of an outside standpoint to all the love troubles and she was frankly fed up with it and entirely too satisfied to watch her friends struggle through it from the sidelines and help when she was needed. In the meantime, she had to get her head and body into the game. Quidditch was the only love she needed in her life at the moment.


	64. Chapter 64

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The strangest thing happened to me today... in my story, I set the date of the Hallowe'en night on Saturday, because I wanted to have the feast on a school-free day. When I was writing the part, I realised, that it's actually the same as the calendar for 2020 (which also had a Halloween night on Saturday). Today, however, I went to look into old calendars, thinking that maybe it would have been better if I had written it according to the actual 1981calender... and guess what! The Halloween night was on Saturday too!!! I mean, the odds! Super spooked out right now 😆

It was the 1st of December and Severus felt... like he was robbed. Robbed of the month anniversary of Lily's death. 31st was only every other month and November wasn't one of them. He decided to visit the grave anyway.

When he arrived a chill ran down his spine. Everything about Godric's Hollow seemed sinister to him now. And in reality, he noticed the objective changes. Emptier streets and less hustle and bustle, fewer people. It was the last place of Voldemort's attack, it made sense people wouldn't likely hang around.

He neared the cemetery with dread and single white lily in his hand. What was he doing here exactly? A small part of him knew he was there to get some sort of absolution, to get some peace of mind so he could-. He sighed, there was no reason to think about you at the place like this at a time like this. He neared the gravestone with James and Lily Potter on it, apparently the newest one there.

"Hi," he said and laid the flower down quickly. That was as far as his planning went. What was he supposed to do next? He felt the emotions bubbling under the surface and he tried to keep them in but after a few more moments, when he stared at the names of James and Lily together, he let them free.

"I really hate you right now. It's like you're a plague in my head, trying to poison the last good thing I have in my life. The worst thing is, that I actually hate myself for it more than I hate you. You were just a girl, who fell in love with a brute and an idiot and even then I wasn't able to let you go!" He silenced himself after that for a moment to think.

"I will protect your boy, the one you died for," he said in a throaty solemn voice. "I will try my best to do it _but_... I won't sacrifice my own happiness and life for it anymore. I might have made mistake I will regret for the rest of my life, the mark on my forearm a reminder for a lifetime, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life in guilt. It may be selfish but... you know me from the time we were kids... I always went after what I wanted."

He stayed there for a long time as if trying to catch some whisper, see a sign that she was listening. Of course, none such a thing happened and so he left. It was an enlightening feeling as if he could breathe more freely already and he realised just as much he had to say those things to her. It was a liberating feeling. He felt free.

_____________

You always hated Wednesdays. They were in the middle of the school week, with two tiring days behind and two more ahead. This time it was even worse as you got a letter. From your father. You practically ripped it open, luckily without any damage to the text inside.

You skimmed through the few written lines and put it down with a thud. You were in the Great Hall, eating breakfast and Vistaria enjoyed the read of Daily Prophet, while Kirtida tried to stuff her mouth with as many pancakes as possible. It was a new thing for her, she avoided talking by excessive eating so she wouldn't have to address the strange situation she had going with Vistaria and Daniel and her little mishap. 

Vistaria was first to see the change of colour in your face.

"Hey, Y/N, you good?" she asked and folded the newspaper to focus on you fully. You barely noticed her speaking. Kirtida did however and looked at you with worry. There was a moment in which you realised you were not breathing but as you allowed your lungs to take in the much-needed air again, the rush of oxygen made you dizzy and combined with the dreadful new you just read about, you collapsed rather ungracefully on the table in front of you.

"Y/N?!" Kirtida yelled and stood up and Vistaria's eyes widened in shock and she stood up an only second later. The commotion didn't go unnoticed by the teachers and when Severus realised the concerned person was you he ruched out of his seat, not caring one bit he seemed too worried or that he flipped back the chair with his abrupt movement. 

"What's wrong with her?" he asked with a cutting, no-nonsense voice but Kirtida wasn't able to give him any answer at all and Vistaria shook her head which made him irritated. Before he could unleash on the girls, however, Vistaria spoke.

"She got a letter and then she just collapsed."

Severus quickly inspected you and then around you to find a letter on the ground, probably dropped there when you passed out. He quickly went through it, stopping only momentarily before looking back at you, only then realising that he was no longer alone, the rest of the staff was around. Poppy Pomfrey was looking at you worriedly, trying to detect the cause of your state.

"She's in shock," he said and noticed how Dumbledore was eyeing him. Pomfrey gave him a side glance but hummed and nodded.

"Looks like it. Help me with her Severus, I need to go prepare a bed for her," she said and started to leave. Why the woman wore such impractical clothes - long skirt she had to take to her hands while going up the stairs - he had no idea. Of course, she meant it in 'levitate her form behind me' but he took your limp body in his arms, bride-style and briskly left the room with many stares following, one of them especially piercing. He couldn't care less, the letter he just read, safely in his pocket and on his mind almost as much as your current state. 

He read about Bella's imprisonment together with her husband and brother-in-law in today's Daily Prophet. He remembered the Longbottom couple being tortured into madness and an unidentified witch, who supposedly underwent months-long mistreatment, both mental and physical, who was found in their place together with them. He looked at you and frowned. Your breathing was quick and shallow and half-way to the Hospital Wing, you started to tremble. He growled.

"Definitely a shock, she started to tremble." Madame Pomfrey didn't say anything, just frowned but Severis couldn't see that as she went first. He only registered the cold sweat upon your brows and hugged your body more tightly to his to keep you as warm as possible. He felt you squirm in his hands and searched your face fro any signs of waking up. You fluttered your eyes open and with your blurry vision, you tried to focus on the pale face with dark hair in front of you.

"Sev, I'm cold," you whispered through the clenched teeth because otherwise, they would chatter. A very minor part of his brain registered the strange disapproving sound coming from the medic who went ahead of them. 

"I know, try to calm down okay? It's gonna be fine, you just need a bit of warmth," he said tensely. He knew that shock wasn't _that_ serious a thing but it still made him very anxious to see you like this. 

"Hold her while I get some blankets and-"

"Quickly," he said impatiently and this was one of the rare occasions that Poppy Pomfrey didn't talk back to this kind of attitude. First, because patients were her utmost priority and second, because, though she would never admit it out loud, Severus terrified her and she simply couldn't understand why would Dumbledore hire an ex-Death Eater as a teacher at his school.

When she came back moments later with many blankets, Severus was just about to lose his calm. He laid you down on the nearest bed and with a quick swish of his hand he commanded the blankets to wrap tightly around you. With an Accio in his head, he summoned a Calming Draught out of his own personal stack, unconvinced by the one Madam Pomfrey fetched with the blankets. 

"Use this, it's a... better version. Enhanced," he elaborated when he saw her scowl. In the meantime, the rest of the staff and your two friends came to the room as well, just in time to see you trying to drink the offered vial. You were so out of it you thought you were taking it even though your hand didn't move a twitch.

"Come, darling, you need to-"

"Move," Severus growled and took the flask back. If he knew the woman would try to make you drink it yourself he wouldn't have even placed it in her hands. His fingers, usually colder to touch, felt warm on the nape of your neck as he tilted your head backwards and opened the vial with his other hand. His touch was the only thing keeping you at least a bit grounded in here and now and you anchored your eyes on his, which were intently looking at the vial nearing your lips.

"Drink," he said firmly and you opened your mouth, felt your jaw slack and the vial pressing into your lower lip. The liquid pouring into your mouth was bitter but warm. It made you feel good enough to realise a drop of it was slipping past your lips and down to your chin but before you could react, Severus' thumb was there, wiping it away.

"Good, you should rest now," he said and pulled his hand from behind your neck. You were quite sure that if the sleep would claim you after this, you would dream of his thumb brushing your lower lip lightly, as if by accident, with his soul-searching stare.


	65. Chapter 65

As soon as he let go of you, Severus turned from you towards the small crowd which was watching him under scrutiny, each person having different expression while doing so. Pomfrey darted between him and her patient, McGonagall looked scowled, as if she smelled something nasty, Flitwick was deeply in thought, Sprout had a worried face. Your two friends were both smiling at him, one more like smirking and the other positively glowing as if this was the happiest thing that happened to her in a long time. It made him go back to a particular... vision in her head he saw a long time ago. He shook the memory away and then he looked at Dumbledore. The intense stare was there, Severus could practically feel it the entire time on his back. 

"Come with me, Severus," he said slowly and gave him that no-nonsense look... more like glare. Severus clenched his fists and jaws and felt tempted to just say NO... but he exhaled and tried to be reasonable. It wasn't like he could do anything more for you, he looked at your face, peaceful and getting more colour and your soft eyes looking at him. Without saying anything he turned back to the Headmaster and strode outside the Hospital Wing. 

Your eyes followed him out of the room and then you looked at Dumbledore who already had his eyes on you. He was watching you watching Severus... that was a bit embarrassing but you refused to turn your eyes away from him and instead you frowned a bit. 

"You should rest, Ms Y/L/N. I shall like to speak to you too, once you're feeling better," he said with a strange twinkle in his eye. That man was a sly fox, he really was.

"Sure, sir," you answered and he left with the rest of the teachers who started to hastily whisper once they got further away from you. Madame Pomfrey scurried towards you.

"You should rest now, dear. Here, drink this," she said and gave you a cup of something warm and you sniffed it with suspicion. 

"It's just a warm honeydew, to replenish sugars. Try to sleep once you drink some," she said and turned to your friends. "Five minutes and then I want you out," she added more resolutely and frowned. She couldn't understand the strange smiles on their faces when their friend was laying in the hospital bed.

"Sure, Madam. We'll be gone in a minute," Vistaria said.

"AAAA!!!" Kirtida couldn't keep it in anymore and gained a strict glare from Madam Pomfrey who was just about to leave.

"Behave yourself, young lady!" 

"Forgive her, she's just a bit out of it lately," Vistaria said in her friend's stead and smiled apologetically at the strict healer, who scoffed and left.

"Did you see it?! How he took you in his arms! Oh, my! He was so worried! I almost envied you for a moment," Kirtida went on and on and you had to smile a bit. It sure felt good that Severus was giving you so much o his attention but soon enough your smile disappeared. Vistaria noticed and frowned.

"What was in the letter?" she asked quietly but strongly enough to be heard over Kirtida's constant babbling. 

"It's from father," you whispered and took a deep breath to continue. "My mother was found along... some other pair. They were... She's in St. Mungo's."

Vistaria frowned.

"Is she... was she the one they found along the Longbottoms?" she asked carefully and you gave her a confused look. "I read about it in the Daily Prophet a moment before you passed out," she added and you nodded.

"It could be, the letter just says that she's in the treatment and that she's... not so well and... I should go see her," you sobbed there and felt the tears running down your face. "I mean, how bad is it that my father wants me to go there during the school year? Is she-"

"Hey, stop that train of negativity right there," Kirtida said. "She's not dying." The certainty with which she said that made you feel better. Vistaria wanted to say that death isn't the only thing they should worry about. According to Daily Prophet, Alice and Frank Longbottom had basically mushed potatoes instead of brains. But she stopped herself before she could do more damage to your fragile psyche.

"We should let you rest," Vistaria said and Kirtida looked at her and then back at you with that mischievous grin.

"Yeah, sleep on it because this was just the beginning. You're about to experience my full-blown enthusiastic outbreak soon enough!" She winked at you surreptitiously and you couldn't help another small smile. The girl was crazy and with zero empathy, really. But you couldn't otherwise than love her because it _did_ make you feel a tad better. Vistaria gave you more sympathetic smile and pulled Kiritda out of the room. 

\--------------

Severus was in no mood for this talk but sooner or later it would have to come to it so it would be better to get it over with. He, Dumbledore and other Heads of Houses went into the Headmaster office. On the whole way there, all the other teachers were mumbling something to Dumbledore but Severus barely paid attention. He was thinking about you and the letter, which was tucked away safely in his robes. 

"Severus?" he heard and turned his head towards the strict face of Minerva and he noticed they're all already behind the closed... gargoyle statue. 

"Yes?" he asked.

"I asked you what are you planning to do about this." He frowned while many things that he _could do something about_ entered his mind.

"About what?" he asked slowly and all the teachers frowned at him.

"Severus! This is a serious matter. Were her parents to find out-"

"Her mother lies in St. Mungo's after being tortured immensely, I doubt her father has a mind to spare to the fact that I helped his daughter into a hospital bed and fetched her a potion to calm her down after she found out about the dreadful news. There was nothing I did that shall receive this overreaction from you," he growled lowly and saw a few flinches, especially from Pomona. 

"It's not so much about the exact things you've done, but some of the... signs, the implications which were more than clear to all of us present in the Hospital Wing," Flitwick tried to elaborate calmly and Severus couldn't help but sigh.

"It's not like _that_ ," he tried to reason with them, though it was _exactly_ like they thought. "We are childhood... friends. We grew quite close during the three years we spent here as students together. And back to her parents, they and I had the... pleasure to meet briefly while I was a student here so there should be no problem and you shall no longer concern yourselves with it."

There was a moment in which they all just stared at him, contemplating what he said. Pomona move first, simply shrugging her shoulders with a smile and left with some mumbling about the greenhouses. Filius followed her, and after a moment, even Minerva left, leaving Dumbledore behind. He stood with an impassive expression, waiting a while before indicating Severus to sit down.

Severus moved towards the chair but made no sign of planning to sit on it. Dumbledore sat into his chair with a sigh.

"That was one of your less convincing performances I must say," he started and Severus frowned.

"It wasn't a performance, all of it was true."

Dumbledore tried to read into Severus' expression.

"Is that so? You met with Tobias and Elinor?"

"Briefly, on the platform 9 3/4." Dumbledore folded his hands with crossed fingers on the table and leaned forward. He observed Severus over his half-moon spectacles.

"Must have been an interesting meeting," he drawled out with a small smile which made Severus slightly angry. Dumbledore knew about the history between his and your parents. 

"It was short," he said simply. "What do you want to know exactly?"

"I want to know the truth."

"About?" 

"Your... feelings towards that girl and how they would change your... commitment to the greater cause."

Severus was enraged. This was the real face of the Headmaster and he knew it for a long time. Playing in cards of his favourites and doing everything for them while exploiting the other with manipulation and emotional blackmail.

"She's important and for me, it changes a lot. For your 'greater cause' it changes only one thing - don't count on me dying willingly and without a fight. I'll be no scapegoat nor sacrificial lamb."

Severus turned on the spot and quickly left. Dumbledore didn't stop him and that was for the best because Severus was reaching his patience limit once more. 


	66. Chapter 66

You woke up with a start and for a while, you were disorientated. Hospital Wing, right. The memories hit you like a fully-loaded train wagon. Your mum, Severus, what are others thinking, you really love him, Kirtida, Vistaria, father... It was a mess and your head hurt. 

"Galloping Griffins! This is the worst migraine ever," you complained, with a groan, attaching your hand to your temple.

"Should I fetch a bottle of Painkiller Draught?" you heard beside you and turned to gaze upon the pale face of Severus Snape. He was sitting in a chair, looking dashing, though you noticed some signs of tiredness in his face.

"Sev," you whispered and his brow twitched but he didn't say anything to correct you and you noticed only then that you were not alone. "Headmaster," you said when you noticed a man standing behind Severus.

"My, my, am I lucky. I was just checking on you but I came on the right time it seems. Please, Ms Y/L/N, care to join me in my office?" he asked and turned to leave. You were confused. What? But you got out of the bed with a pang of pain shooting through your head and you winced.

"Gosh, this is killing me," you said as you tried to hastily check your surroundings for any of your personal belongings. You found none.

"Easy, here," you heard Severus and saw him handling you a small vial. You took it without a second thought and drank it right away. "Just so I'm clear on this, you do check what _other_ people give you before you actually drink it, right?" he asked and you stopped your movement and looked at him in shock. Was he just teasing you? What was going on here? Did you sleep for a month? Or were you dreaming?

"I- uh..." you felt the headache subsiding which helped you think. "I should probably go, thank you, for everything," you said and went in the direction of the door.

"Y/N, come see me afterwards," he said and you nodded at him before disappearing.

\------------

"Headmaster, sir, you wanted to see me?" you asked carefully. The man grinned at you widely and beckoned you to sit down, to which you obliged.

"I hear you and Severus are friends," he started right off the bat, no going around the bush. 

"Yes, sir," you said cautiously. The man was searching your face and you felt the slightest tug in your mind and frowned. He wanted to search your mind for information. No way, old man, you've met with way too many Legilimens to not learn how to protect your mind from unwanted invasion.

"Impressive. Did Severus teach you?" he asked after a while.

"Not quite, though he was one of the reasons."

"I see... who else?" he asked.

"Jacob... you know, the one who got the school into the whole Curse Vaults mess which made one of my friends lay in the hospital for over a year."

You were not making this easy for the man, he was guilty of many things in your head and Jacob was one of them. He could hear your accusation and had the decency to turn his eyes down.

"I see," he simply said. There was a long pause then.

"Sir, why am I here exactly? I'd like to have this over with as quickly as possible," you said and it made the corners of his mouth twitch with mirth. 

"Your mother. I hear she's in a bad condition."

You froze.

"You have some news about her?" 

"I'm afraid I don't know more than you. You father wrote to me to excuse you for the upcoming weekend so you could visit."

Upcoming weekend... so it wasn't really urgent, right? 

"Sir, were... were my parents in an... opposition?" you asked the thing that was bugging you for some time. The old Wizard was staring at you, he did that often to people you realized. Was he calculating the pros and cons of telling you while doing that?

"Yes, they were not a part of the Order of the Pheonix, which I founded for the sole purpose of defeating Lord Voldemort, but they were very supportive and offered much inside information from the pure-blood families. They could have been the members just as well but I suspect they had their reservation because of you."

Somehow you felt as if he was accusing you.

"So they weren't official members but they sided with you greatly... and that's why my mother's in the hospital," you said, using the same undertone of accusation. 

"Bad times usually demand some sacrifices and great heroes," he said sadly. Maybe someone else would almost feel sorry for him but not you.

"Easy for you to say, sir. You can sympathise but you have no family to lose. What do you risk?" you challenged him. He sighed.

"Indeed, it may seem that way to you. I always had a hard time communicating with people from the Slytherin house... all of them, good or bad."

"We don't buy bullshit, sir," you said and tried to be as polite as possible but barely managed. 

"Some of you don't. Many of you ended up following a man with no care for anyone or anything. Blinded by the prospect of pure blood."

"You're pretty much the same as him. You may be on the side which is considered 'good' but you use the manipulation just as much as he did. Actually, it's even worse, because people really believe in you. People following Him did so for the ideals or for the power or for some other selfish reason. But you, you trick people into thinking you care about them when most of the time you don't!" you were practically yelling at the end. "You don't give a fuck about anyone other than your few chosen ones and the rest of us has to suffer for it! Like with Jacob!"

"I see you have many things weighing on your heart and much to say to me," he interrupted your heated monologue. 

"That I do, sir. You failed my friend Vistaria when she had to be hospitalised because of your favouritism. You failed Severus when you oversaw the bullying he went through during his school days here because James and that silly group of his misfits were also your favourites. You and Voldemort are just two faces of a coin. He seeks power for himself, you seek talented students and build an army of loyal soldiers. You both have strong ideals people follow and both have a charisma to match it with."

"I stand against a great evil and for that-"

"You had to become his equal?" you said. "Sir, I'm glad that He's gone and if there are people willing to follow you and your ideals, then I guess it's their risk but I don't want to be involved in whatever mind-games you're playing with Severus. I'd, actually, very much like for it to stop entirely, to be honest."

"Severus has an important role to play in the future and it's also a way for him to forgive himself for what he has done. He needs his redemption."

"Many of us do. He told me you want him to care for Lily's boy, to protect him. You want him to live a lonely life and be an outcast with one single goal to fulfil in the name of the woman he loved. I won't let you do it. I simply can't. Call me selfish and call me childish but as long as I have anything to say to it, Severus will always have a safe place to come to. Me."

There was a weird smile playing on the Wizard's face. Did he found this all amusing? Was everything just a game for him?

"Very well, I can see the appeal, Ms Y/L/N, and I understand Severus a bit more now. You're a fierce fighter for what you want. I think you would do well in Griffindor, I didn't have a student to tell me off to my face... probably ever," he said with a grin. 

"With all due respect, sir, I think it's the other way around. You are way too conniving and for the life of me, I cannot understand how you were not sorted into Slytherin. But isn't that what it's all about? Our two houses are, much like you and Him, two side of the same coin. Unfortunately, we are not as different from each other as we would like."

"True and wise words for someone your age," he said. 

"A bitter truth I came to know early in my years here... for a brief time I actually tried very hard to be friends with Lily... the House rivalry was one of many wedges between us."

"Along with Severus' love for her," he said with a smile. You left that without comment.

"Anything else, sir?" you asked after a while and he tried to probe your mind once more and you frowned again and got furious when he laughed.

"That's it, you may go, Ms Y/L/N, but a word of advice before you leave. Be sure that you know Severus well. He hides under many layers of defences. Maybe you would do yourself a service by asking him about the three years he was... on the other side."

You wanted to yell at him and tell him off once more but what he said, hit you in the gut. You _were_ concerned about what exactly Severus did. Did he ever kill anyone? Especially now, that your mother was laying in the hospital... thanks to Death Eaters torturing her. Did Severus ever do the same? 

"Thank you for the advice. Goodbye," you said and quickly left. You thanked whatever greater power there was that you already had a meeting planned with Severus after this. You really needed him right now. 


	67. Chapter 67

On the way to the dungeons you were so lost in your thoughts you failed to notice how quickly you went and how breathless it made you. Only when you'd stopped in front of the thick wooden door with heavy iron handle did you noticed how frantic you were. In complete disarray.

Without dwelling on it for too long you barged into the room before you lost your nerve completely. As soon as you entered you went to the dark figure behind the desk which stood up quickly upon seeing the state you were in.

"Wh-" before he could say anything you ran into him and flung your arms around him, tightly embracing him. You buried your face in his chest and felt the first wave of relief upon inhaling the familiar smell of him and feeling the heat radiating off him. When he carefully put his arms around you to return the hug, you were almost melting from how the relief flooded you.

"Sev," you just said, not really sure what you wanted to say next.

Severus was half confused and half startled by your sudden and very wild appearance in his office. His first instinct was to comfort you, and once that was on a good way, his mind turned to the cause of all this.

Damn Dumbledore, what did he tell you? Severus knew, that Headmaster had his way with people. He could work into their minds and planting seeds of... whatever he wanted there.

"What did he say?" Severus queried dangerously, ready to go back to Dumbledore and give him a piece of his mind once more.

"A lot." You sighed and leaned back to look at his face. He was angry, you could tell. To be honest, so were you, but you also thought that one conversation with the older man was more than enough for today. For both of you. And so you put your hand on his face and slid it tentatively down to his jaw and then to his neck.

The caressing touch made Severus both relax from his anger and tense in anticipation.

"My parents were part of the..." You had no idea how to voice what they were exactly and so you moved on.

"My father wants me to go to the hospital to see my mum this weekend. I guess...her situation isn't so bad...?" Due to your uncertainty, you voiced it as a question.

"He... Dumbledore said he has some plans for you, that you need redemption, that... He told me to ask you about the three years you were-" 

Your frantic rumbling was cut off by soft lips pressing on yours. It was a very brief kiss but it was followed quickly by another on your forehead.

"Sev..."

"Yeah," he sighed, "we ought to talk about it someday. Might as well be today if you wish it but..."

He took your face in his hands and carefully searched your eyes. You were perplexed by his behaviour. He seemed so tender and soft.

"Are you sure you want to know all of it? Right now? Right after you were discharged from the Hospital Wing?" There was no space for doubt that he was worried about you and it added to your confusion. Severus was never, _never_ , this emotional. At least not this openly. 

"I just need to... I need to understand. Why? And now that my mum is being hospitalised thanks to your old... _pals_ ," you spat out bitterly, "I want to know."

"Know what?" he asked tensely. You were looking each other in eyes, both keenly aware of how heavy and important this conversation is.

"I know what kind of boy I fell in love with and now... I need to know what kind of man he grew up to be," you whispered and hoped you conveyed your concerns and hopes correctly.

"Won't it suffice to say that the foolish boy made many mistakes but grew up to love you and is trying to change?" he asked sadly, knowing what your answer would be. You smiled at his off-hand confession of his feelings. 

"It won't but it certainly earns you a few points," you said with a lazy smile. This day was so tiring, even though you have slept for about four hours after your morning breakdown. What time was it anyway?

Severus was thinking about what to say, his mind putting a plan together carefully.

"I'm also interested in your past three years. Maybe we could create a schedule of regular meetings where we could talk about these things. That way it could be disguised as...detention, for example."

"You have it all figured out, don't you?" The slightly mischievous grin appeared on your face. "So, what should I get the detention for?" you asked with an intended purr and bite to your lower lip. It definitely had some effect on him because his hands on your waist twitched and his eyes narrowed on your playing teeth and lip.

"How about staying outside after curfew?" he asked, all innocence but you knew better and laughed.

"Okay, I'll bite. I would have to stay out after curfew for it to be plausible for my roommates," you said and he smiled too.

"Well, we can definitely assure that."

He actually said it. This teasing, flirting Severus was just as new and just as nice a surprise as the caring one. It couldn't be ignored much longer.

"What happened, Sev? Not that I'm complaining but this... we never had a conversation like this," you brought it up.

"True... I guess we really have a lot to talk about, let's sit down," he said and let go of you to sit on his chair. You stood where he left you, your nervous habit of playing with your sleeves in action as you studied him.

"What?" he asked when you still hadn't made any motion towards your own chair. You really wanted to be held by him, it made you feel at ease. You wouldn't dream of asking the Severus from only days ago but this one, this new Severus, maybe he...

"You have very loud thoughts, and I'm not even using Legilimancy on you. What is it?"

"I... I just really liked you hugging me," you said in a very brief moment of courage. Severus had to concentrate very much to not react to your statement too much, allowing only a tug of his corner to indicate his... well, he was both amused and thrilled by it.

"I don't think it would be very wise to get distracted by... physical... reactions during this particular conversation."

Though, if he was honest with himself, he wanted to be distracted very much. He wanted you to be distracted too, so you would pay no mind to what you were about to discuss but he knew that would be cheating. Severus was many bad things during his life - liar, spy, deceiver, brute, mutilator and many others, but never a cheater.

You sighed, knowing he was right. Why was he so right all the time? You sat down with the smallest pout which he noticed and smiled. It was times like these, he recalled the memories of a little girl with cute pout after being called 'squirt'.

"So, where do you want to start?" he asked.

"Today I'd like to know what caused... this." You gestured towards him. "This change. Why now? The... other matters, we could leave for some less emotionally strung up day," you said.

Severus nodded and though he knew what you were asking about he had a hard time finding a beginning to this change.

"I told you to keep the distance because of Dumbledore. You told me I needed some time to mourn." He paused there, thinking and you watched him with utmost interest.

"Yesterday, I visited her grave. A month later and I was standing there and... talking to her. Mostly about how angry I was with her."

You inhaled sharply at that. Severus never really talked about his tender feeling towards Lily, but they were pretty obvious. There was never the slightest sign that there were some negative emotions too. Severus looked into your eyes and tried to evaluate your reaction, eventually continuing on with no clear result.

"I realised... how she's keeping me away from any form of happiness even after death."

Your head supplied you with many sentences to finish this statement with. Like, 'keeping me from you' or 'I care about you more' or 'I love you so much'. It made your head spin and you had to concentrate to not lose yourself in your thoughts.

"So, you think you're done mourning?" you asked and he nodded.

"After today, it was also clear to Dumbledore where I stand and there was no longer any point to hold back. When we spoke this afternoon, he got a piece of my mind on the subject."

"Yeah, he got that from me too. After I finished my spiel he told me he understood you better, that he saw the appeal." You couldn't help but blush at the end of that sentence, which made Severus frown.

"Should I be worried about you being stolen from me by him?" he asked and you quickly made a face.

"EEW! Sev! That's disgusting!" you exclaimed with horror and the mentioned disgust and he laughed. Like, full-on laughed, with no restrictions to the amusement he felt. It made you anger vaporise in milliseconds and you were awed at how young and boyish he looked. 

"I like your laugh. I don't think I ever heard it before," you said because though you remember him somewhat chuckle during his school years, this was different. His voice was lower, the laughter wasn't condescending or arrogant and it was definitely louder than any laugh you heard from him before. Severus stopped laughing and looked at you with a curious look, which made you feel a bit awkward.

"So, anyway, now that Dumbledore knows... what's next? I mean... it's not like we can openly date or anything... not that I presume- I mean..." you inhaled deeply to calm yourself and stop from babbling. "I don't really know what I mean." Severus was a bit taken aback by this insecure you. If he would play the past interactions with you in his head, you were always the pusher in your relationship. He became, yet again, more aware of how much toll this one-sided love had on you. 

"We can't date at all." You flinched but knew he was right. "I'm your teacher, after all, there's no way we can have this kind of relationship." He made a pause and watched you slump in your chair. This was really getting harder and harder to bear. "However," he started again, slowly, "as I am your teacher and you, as much as my past experiences with you can tell, have no problem with breaking the rules... Well, as I said earlier, I could grant you with many detentions," he said with a smirk and you grinned at him. "You'd be sentenced to spend a lot of time with the dungeon bat." You cringed at the nickname.

"Seriously, whoever came with this nickname..." You shook your head at the thought and Severus quirked a brow.

"I think of it as a compliment, really." You laughed at that.

"You shouldn't, though." You were watching him for some reaction to that but none came and so you stood up. "I should get going." He raised his brows.

"I thought you were supposed to stay behind and get a detention."

"Oh, don't worry, _professor_ , as you pointed out earlier, I have a knack for getting in trouble." You winked at him with a smile but then your face sobered. "I'd like to get into trouble after the hospital visit," you added in a whisper and Severus' expression turned from confusion to understanding. He nodded his head.

"Good night then, Ms Y/L/N," he said with a fathom a smile.

"Likewise, professor."

You left with a small smile and satisfied feeling, not entirely happy, but satisfied. This was finally going in the right direction. Now, there was only your mother to worry about and somewhere in the back of your head, you knew that you still owed Daniel a talk which you two didn't get to thanks to his past back-and-forth with Kirtida. You had three days for that since you'd be gone at the weekend. Well, no day like tomorrow. The sooner you resolved that the better you could concentrate on everything else.


	68. Chapter 68

You were outside, the snow was crunching under your feet and the cold was biting your face. 

"It's freaking cold," you said and heard a small chuckle.

"Well, you were the one who wanted to go out," Daniel said with a small smile. You wanted out to be alone and talk in private but you could understand why there was no-one there. IT WAS BLOODY FREEZING TODAY!

"Sure, not one of my best ideas."

"Certainly."

You walked a few steps.

"So, to not freeze to death... why are we here?" he asked and you side-glanced at him.

"Well, this may sound a bit awkward but... I guess I just want to make things clear between us?"

He sighed with a smile. This was kinda what he was expecting.

"Yeah, I figured you'd like to do that," he said sadly but acquiescently.

"I'm really sorry, Daniel. You were nothing but good to me these past three years but..."

"Yeah, I know. I don't really _understand_ but I know. I always did. I still remember that one time I caught you together in the Library... I was so mad, so jealous," he admitted with a smile and shake of his head. Your eyes bulged.

"You still remember that?!" you asked incredulously.

"Well, you remember it too." He laughed at your expression.

"But that's just-" you cut yourself there.

"Because you loved him? Yeah... I can relate."

"Dan..." you whispered but he gave your pity no passage.

"Hey, don't pity me. I know I've done my best and to be completely honest with you... it's not like I'm falling for you again. It was mainly my hurt man pride that made me interested in you again this year," he admitted, though you could tell it was only partly true and he told you to make you feel better. He really was a great guy. "What more, if your friend's mojo is right, I'm gonna be happy with someone else."

You had to smile at that, you really hoped he would end up with... well, you didn't care which one of your friends would be his destined one. Whoever was would be really lucky, you decided.

"You really gave it a thought, hm? Well, her visions are true. Her interpretation can be faulty as we've learned not so long ago, though."

You both laughed at that and directed your steps back to the Castle. It really was bloody freezing out there. You felt lighter in your steps and felt like there was one less thing weighing on your mind. And it felt great.

________________________

Though you could feel a strange tension between you and Severus during his Advanced Potions on Thursday, you had no time or space to ask what was it about and you had no mind to care because you were becoming increasingly nervous about the hospital visit.

Early on Saturday, you came into the Headmaster's office to see him and Severus standing there, waiting for you. What was Severus doing there, you had no idea.

"Ms Y/L/N, good morning," Dumbledore said with a smile and you repaid the pleasantry. 

"Severus here will be accompanying you."

"Accompanying? But sir, I'm seventeen, I'm of age. I don't need a company on my travels," you argued back. Severus had to applaud you in his head. _That's what I've been telling this old bugger since three days ago!_ Dumbledore's smile widened, his mischievous eyes turning to Severus.

"Same minds think alike," he said with amusement but then he turned back to you. "But this was a request from your father, he seems to be worried about your safety."

That made you stop and Severus frowned a bit. He hadn't considered the possibility, quite certain that most of the really loyal and vicious Death Eaters were locked up in Azkaban or dead. And, _of course,_ Dumbledore didn't tell him this very compelling argument until now.

"Is there a reason to get concerned?" Severus asked, his frown still intact. 

"I personally don't think there is. But Tobias was quite distressed about his daughter's safety and pulled out a favour I owed him on me."

You started to get worried not only for your mother but also for your father. How badly was he coping?

"Very well, you should be on your way," he said and sent you both out.

Once you were outside his office and outside the Castle, you released a worried sigh.

"Do you think they'll be okay?" you asked and Severus glanced down at you as you were briskly walking across the grounds.

"I know Bellatrix and saw her a few times in... action. She's cruel and merciless and borderline crazy... I've heard that Alice and Frank are in Janus Thickey Ward for irrevocably magic damage-" he stopped when he noticed how pale you turned and how your steps wavered. Maybe the truth wasn't the best approach here but then again, you should be prepared for the worst in case it's the truth. 

"I don't feel so well," you admitted in a whisper, feeling your stomach making turns and twists. 

"I have a vial of Calming Draught with me but maybe it would be wiser to save after the actual visit." Though you were shaken by what he said and for many reasons - like, he knew the woman who tortured your parents personally - you felt a warm feeling in your chest. He was really considerate to take the potion with him though his tact and empathy lacked at the moment. 

"Sure, keep it hidden for... later."

"You took a lesson on Apparition, correct?" he asked as you neared the end of the castle grounds.

"Uhm... yes," you said and Severus wasn't really convinced by the answer.

"And you passed?"

"Yes."

You two stopped in front of the Entrance Gates. 

"I'd still feel better to Apparate you myself. Your mind seems to be elsewhere."

On any other day, you would argue with him but you were really a bit out of it and had no desire to be Split. 

"Okay."

The admission made Severus glad that Dumbledore and your father were so insistent on the escort. He didn't think of how _you_ could be a danger to yourself. He grabbed your hand even before exiting the castle grounds and stopped right behind the Entrance Gates. You quickly came closer to him, in front of him and slip your free hand around his waist.

"Hold tight." He felt very satisfied with the sentence and your arm tightly around him and your hand in his. He took out his wand and with a crackling noise you Disapparated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just noticed this has over 200 kudos!!! 🤯🤯🤯 and roughly 150 comments from you!!! 😍😍  
> Thank you so much for the support, guys ❤❤❤❤❤


	69. Chapter 69

As soon as you arrived at the St. Mungo's, you felt nauseous and you weren't sure if it was due to the Apparition or the dreaded meeting with your parents. You had no idea where you were going and left it all to Severus, trusting he knew where to go and lead you there.

On his part, Severus was a bit, well, anxious. He had no idea how your father would react to his presence there and he wasn't really sure about his own reaction. Many different memories of his mother flashed through his mind and he had to inhale a stabilizing breath.

In your own distress, you grabbed Severus' hand and intertwined your fingers with his. The action startled him and his chest tightened from it. He noticed it often did when you were involved since he let go of Lily. 

You went through the various corridors of the hospital until Severus stopped in front of one door.

"It should be here. I'll wait outside," he said and carefully freed his hand from your firm hold. 

"Okay," you said though if you could choose, you'd take him with you. However, you knew it could get quite awkward between him and your father...maybe even worse and so you stepped into the room by yourself.

The first thing you noticed was a startled and very tired face of your father. Then a very frail-looking figure, which you recognized as your nonna and were shocked how old she looked. Finally, you eyes turned to the hospital bed with a person in it.

Your mother. Or was it? You inhaled sharply when you saw her beaten up form. Her body was swelled on different places, she was coloured by purple, yellow and black. There were several patches on her.

"Mum?" you asked weakly but there was no response.

"She's sleeping a lot. The Healers put her under magic-induced sleep so she... won't suffer," your father said just as weakly, his voice hoarse.

"Darling," you nonna said and came to hug you tightly.

"Where's your accompaniment?" father asked nervously, searching for another person.

"He's outside. To give us... some space." You were nervous but your father sighed in relief. "How is she?" you asked and it was your nonna who answered.

"As good as could be expected. On the rare occasions she's been up she's eerily silent, looking into nothing with horror-stricken face. The Healers fear... they fear-"

"She's gonna end up like the Longbottoms?" you finished with despair. 

"Nothing's clear as of yet," she said with steel in her voice. She firmly hoped for the better outcome, obviously.

"Sure..." you said and felt tears in your eyes.

Meanwhile, Severus was standing outside the room, deeply in thought about something when someone tapped him on a shoulder.

"Excuse me, sir, but you're in a way here. Could you leave of you're not visiting?" a Healer, not much older then himself, asked him. He frowned.

"I'm here on the official Hogwarts business. I'm accompanying a student on her visit," he tried to explain and the Healer's eyes flashed with understanding.

"In that case, shouldn't you be with your student? The hallway isn't really meant for wandering visitors."

Severus couldn't argue with that and without another word he knocked on the door you disappeared behind. The door was opened, only a crack, by an old lady who gave him a once-over.

"Yes?" she asked and he could feel the icy biting tone to his bones. 

"I was asked by the staff to get inside. I came as an escort for Ms Y/L/N."

The piercing eyes of the older woman searched his face for a moment, as if trying to debate whether he's tell the truth.

"Why so nervous then?" The question surprised Severus. He searched his own mind for an intruder but if she really was using Legilimency, she wouldn't have to ask that. 

"I can tell... I'm pretty good at reading people and it has nothing to do with magic," she said as if to answer his questions which made him even more stunned.

"I..." he drawled the word to give himself to e to think of what to say. He was saved from it by the door opening fully and your presence there.

"Severus," you whispered and Severus took in your red-rimmed and tear-filled eyes. He felt the strongest urge to embrace you and never let you go.

Sylvana was watching you two with utmost interest. The moment you spoke the young man's name, it felt like she found a missing piece of a puzzle and she started to analyse him again, this time with a new perspective.

She noted the strong features in his face, the prominent nose, strong jaw. Pale skin, black eyes and hair. Lean and tall stature. Wide shoulders. She saw the appeal and definitely approved of her granddaughter's taste in men. 

"Come in then, don't stand there," your nonna said and stepped aside to make more space for Severus to enter.

"You?" you heard your father's surprised voice and knew this would become troublesome very quickly. "Why the hell are _you_ here?!" he almost growled and quickly came towards Severus.

"Father, please, calm down. He's here as my escort from Hogwarts," you tried to quickly smooth thing up but it only made your father more vivid it seemed.

"Say again?! I asked Dumbledore for someone to protect you on your way here and he sends a former Death Eater?" 

The atmosphere in the room became heavy and stuffy. Your nonna was frowning now and she placed herself in front of your mother's bed and your father had a wand in his hand, aiming it at Severus. You held your breath.

"Get out!" your father yelled and you quickly looked at Severus who still stood rather stoically. He then looked your way.

"I'll wait outside the hospital for you," was all he said before he turned and strode away.

"Father-"

"No, Y/N. I know I may have been unfair to him when he was a boy but this is something else entirely. He served You-know-who, he was one of them, the people who hurt our mother. Whatever friendship you've built with hi, I forbid it!"

"What?! He's a good person!"

"Ha! A good person you say?! He was a Death Eater!"

"How do you even know that? When exactly were you about to tell me you and mum worked for the Order of the Phoenix?"

Your father was a bit taken aback that you knew but he quickly recovered from it.

"This is a completely different matter and has no place in this conversation."

He was right of course but you were very angry at the moment. 

"He changed sides before His fall. It was a mistake to join them and he realised. You, of all people, should know a thing or two about mistakes," you said heatedly and saw your father flinch at your words.

"I've heard about enough of this. Both of you calm down, my daughter needs to rest," your nonna interfered with strong and resolute voice. Your father flinched again at her words and he quickly turned to your mother as if to check on her. In that moment, in the look in his eyes, you could see how much he actually loved her.

You turned to your grandmother, who was already looking at you.

"I think you should go now, dear," she said and you opened you mouth to protest but she put her hand up to stop you and shook her head. "Let your father and me take care of her and worry about her. You certainly have your own things to worry about," she said with a pointed look. "I'll write you regularly about her condition and I'm sure it could be arranged for you to come again but I think a lot has happened today already."

You wanted to argue with her, to tell her you had a right to see our mother but she had a point. Your nonna always did. You quickly came to your mother's bed and placed a kiss on her bruised forehead. Then you turned to your father and gave him a quick hug, trying to not part with him in bad blood and finally, you came to your nonna and hugged her tightly.

"You promise to write me daily?" you whispered to her ear as she hugged you back.

"I do. I also want to know more about Severus and your relationship with him," she whispered back and with a genuine interest. 

You let go of her and nodded at her before turning and leaving. You were more than ready for your detentions with Severus and getting to know him and his Death Eater 'career'. It was about time to get to know him, good _and_ bad.


	70. Chapter 70

You came outside and noticed Severus right away, his dark, brooding form hard to miss. 

"Sev, I think it's time for the detention," you said as soon as you got to him. He knew it was coming and tried to prepare for the inevitable during the past few days but somehow, the unpleasant encounter with your father made him very anxious and insecure about this.

"For what?" he asked and you tried to think of something good. Eventually, you thought the truth would be your best shot and you quickly kissed him. 

"How about, having problems with professional boundaries?" you asked with a side smirk and a glint in your eyes. Severus was shocked both by the action and what you were saying.

"That would be a tad difficult to explain to the others."

"It won't, you told them we know each other, that we're _friends._ You won't even have to lie that much. Just say you've been too lenient with me and I grew a bit cocky about the past relations so you had to... teach me a lesson," you said the last part with a suggestive smirk and watched his dark eyes turn even darker.

Severus' brain stopped focusing on a good excuse since you said the word 'cocky' but once he registered the 'teach me a lesson' part, he was a goner. His mind conjured many different scenarios where he would teach you a lesson. Not for the first time, he fantasized about bending you over his desk in the classroom and taking you roughly from behind. Or the image of your naked self, splayed over his bed with your hands tied to the headboard and his mouth on your breasts while his fingers teased you. Some more perverse part of his brain got really turned on by you bent over his lap as he asked you some Potion questions, spanking you for the wrong answers.

"Sev?" you breathed out, his intense state making you all warm and fuzzy. He shook off his fantasies and refocused on you.

"Sounds good," he said though he had no idea what was the talk about. You noticed how unfocused he is and so you started to weave another plan in your head for your detention. Something a bit more fun.

"We should go," he said and you nodded, hugged him tight and you Apparated back.

\----------

Daniel was walking with his Griffindor friends through the Hogsmeade and he tried to keep up with the conversation but his mind was elsewhere.

"Hey, pal, are you listening?" one of his Quidditch teammates, Zachary, asked.

"No... Not really," Daniel admitted with a smile.

"Let me guess, still longing for the Slytherin slut?" Gemma asked with bitterness and Daniel frowned.

"Watch it, Rippley," he threatened, though he felt a bit sorry for the girl. He didn't miss her stares and googly eyes. "I'm long since cured of my infatuation with Y/N, thank you very much. Doesn't mean I'm okay with bad-mouthing her."

"So you're thinking of her friend?" Theodore Cowley asked and Daniel flinched. "I heard through grapevines that you've been seen kissing her in the corridor." And that made Daniel cringe since he realised which friend Tedd meant.

"There's nothing between us apart from a good rivalry on the pitch."

"Sure and a heated sex afterwards," Zachary added teasingly while Gemma made a gagging sound and Daniel frowned.

"Not a chance. The kiss was a one-time thing and it was to prove there was no spark between us. It proved it very well."

"You guys are disgusting. Are you kissing just every girl to prove you have no chemistry?" Gemma asked and Tedd was quick to answer.

"Well, we never kissed you so not every girl." That only made her furious and she started to hit him and then chase after him when he ran away.

Daniel's thoughts left the ridiculous conversation as soon as he spotted two familiar figures entering Three Broomsticks.

"How about a butterbeer?" he asked Zachary but didn't wait for an answer and started in the direction of the pub.

Once inside, he scanned the place for the two girls he saw enter before. He found them, and it was just his luck they sat down at a big enough table to host four more people since Zachary called Gemma and Teddy before they all came inside.

He quickly navigated between tables to sit down at theirs and ignored the groan and chuckles from his friends.

"Oi, Montague, shouldn't you be practising instead of drinking?" Daniel said, instead of greetings. Vistara glared at him.

"Same can be said for you, Woodlock."

Daniel smirked at that and quickly glanced at Kirtida before refocusing on Vistaria again.

"My friends here think that we're fooling around with each other," he said suggestively to get the meaning across and to provoke a reaction from both of them which he did. Vistaria made a face which clearly stated she found the thought disgusting and Kirtida bulged her eyes out and visibly paled. She was very clearly uncomfortable in this situation and Vistaria took notice.

"I hope you're enjoying this, Woodlock," she growled out and he recalled her warning from the other day and smiled apologetically.

"Okay, okay, I stop," he said and raised his hands in mock surrender. Kirtida was fidgeting in her seat. Anywhere else would be better than here. She couldn't get the visions out of her head and she got some more since Vistaria and Daniel kissed. To her utter shock, she also realised, she was jealous, because many visions of Daniel were with other girls. He kissed them, held their hands, brushed their hair from their faces. Kirtida was almost as sleep-deprived as she was when the Dark Lord started his rule of terror.

"Let's go," she said quietly towards Vistaria, who checked her out and really didn't like the colour in her friend's face.

"Okay," she said and was about to stand up.

"Hey, don't leave," Daniel said in a haste. He frowned then, sounding too eager to his ears. "I'll pay you both a butterbeer, as an apology." He grinned and tried to be all cute and adorable which made Kirtida both hate him and waver in her leave. Vistaria could sense the hesitance and she sighed.

"One butterbeer and you'll be nice," she said with a fierce warning. As much as she sometimes couldn't stand the ball of sunshine and crazy that Kirtida usually was, it was definitely better than this Kirtida. She was really off and Vistaria had no idea which would be the faster way for her to recover - dating Daniel or forgetting about him. She chose to go with the first one and if it wouldn't come to fruition, she would switch her strategy. 

"I'm a nice guy, you know," he tried to lighten the mood.

"Well, I'm being nice only for a limited time period, you'd better use it well," she responded to warn him and he caught the meaning behind it and frowned. His eyes turned to Kirtida and then back.

"Hey, easy you two," Zachary tried to intervene the strange conversation and ordered six butterbeers for the group. They all sat down and there was an awkward silence for a while.

"So, where's Y/N?" Daniel asked to ease the tension but heard Gemma scoff. Vistaria and Kirtida both gave her a look and she wasn't too shy to reciprocate it.

"She's seeing her mother in the hospital," Kirtida said. It was the first thing she said to Daniel since they met and he felt strange under her careful gaze. It wasn't the thrill he felt back when he was dating you but in all honesty, he was bugged by the strange prophecy and tried many times to think about what it would be like to date Kirtida. 

"There really can't be a simple day in that girl's life," Daniel mused.

"Maybe she would do better if she wasn't parading around the school, flirting with everything male," Gemma said as the six butterbeers landed on their table with a loud bang and some glass clinking together. 

"Here you go, kids," the kind bartender said and left with a smile after she received a few thanks.

"Yes, because her mother being attacked by Death Eaters is because she's flirting with boys," Vistaria said sarcastically with an eye-roll when the bartender was far enough. 

"Well, I don't mind the flirting, though, even I think she went a tad too far with Snape," Tedd entered the conversation.

"Pig," Gemma said. Vistaria didn't comment and Kirtida smiled impishly. That was probably the first one in a while and Daniel was stunned to see it. He spent so much time fighting with the girl over her visions and then with her ignoring him, that he completely forgot about her nature. 

"What? I mean, she's sexy as hell but damn, a teacher? And the dungeon bat non-the-less? That's too far," Tedd tried to defend his opinion and Gemma just frowned.

"Is being sexy as hell the only thing you guy ever register?" she asked.

"No one likes bitter jealousy," Vistaria said calmly before she sipped from her glass and received a nasty glare. The small giggle that escaped from Kirtida was worth it in her eyes and she felt like a better friend for it.

"I'm not jealous of the likes of her!" Gemma proclaimed with a loud bang of her glass on the table.

The conversation went on in a similar spirit but Daniel hadn't paid it any attention. His eyes were fixed solely on Kirtida after the small giggle and his thoughts revolved around how to make her laugh like that again.

\----------------

In the evening you and your friends were talking about the upcoming Christmas ball, yet another celebration this year, which was made or glorified in the name of Voldemort's defeat. You complained about how you can't go with the one you'd like to go with, Kirtida was avoiding any suggestions of her going with Daniel but very loudly exclaimed how you should definitely go with Severus and Vistaria only thought about how to make herself look pretty and declared she's going alone.

When they were both sleeping soundly, you crept out of your bed and quickly changed. You were planning your night adventure the whole afternoon after you came back. Since the girls were in Hogsmeade up till dinnertime, you had a plant of time and space to do so and you were excited. You weren't one for breaking rules so you were nervous but then again, you only had to cross one corridor to Severus' office. The real hunt game was planned for him.

\----------------

Right before you and Severus said goodbyes, you asked him about his plans for the evening with that mischievous glint he got to know so well. He told you that he'd be grading papers in his office, which really was his plan but the whole evening he was so on edge he was twice slower than usual. Just when he was about to dismiss the idea you're about to do something, a piece of paper slipped from under his door, obviously under the Locomotion Charm, and right onto his desk. He unfolded the paper with curiosity and joy of a five-year-old on Christmas Day.

_Dear professor,_

_I'm afraid, I'm about to break some school rules. I'm in dire need of detention and I really hope you can save me from serving it with some other professor, because, after all, I went to all this trouble so you can punish me appropriately. Hope you can find me soon enough._

_Yours,_

_Y/N_

_P.S. I'll give you a hint since your my favourite. You still remember where we first kissed, right? Oh, and keep this, it may come in handy later._

Severus felt embarrassed about how excited he was to find you and how uncomfortable his pants became only after reading this note. He quickly stood up and almost forgot the late hour and banged his door open. With quick strides, he went towards the Library.

Once he entered, he heard the grumbly voice of Mr Thyme.

"Professor, what are you doing here so late at night?" he asked.

"I got a notice that a student is wondering the castle," he answered promptly. 

"Oh, speaking of... there was a student here this afternoon looking for you. She left a note here in case you'd stop by. I don't understand why she couldn't leave it at your office but-"

"Where's the note?" Severus asked quickly, interrupting the man's rumbling. The old librarian went to his desk, grabbed the folded parchment from a drawer and handed it out to him.

"Thank you, be on a lookout for that wandering student," he said and left swiftly, hungrily unfolding the parchment.

_Silly me! Or you? Of course, I can't be in the Library! Mr Thyme is like a hound dog. But since you knew where to look I'll give you another clue. If I'm standing at our very beginning, where am I?_

Severus frowned. He saved the parchment next to the first paper in his pocket and quickly went outside to what used to be his tree. Would you be really outside at night? He doubted it but you were playing a game, which meant that at the very least, there would be another clue. Severus couldn't stop the smile creeping onto his face. It's not like he was ever too keen on playing silly games and when he was a kid he barely had opportunities since he had no friends. But this excitement he felt, how eager he was to find you. It made him genuinely enjoy this.

Once he was outside, he was certain that you were not waiting under the tree, it was freezing. He came to it and after some inspection, the only thing he could find was a carved _Alice, not a Sleeping Beauty_. Severus frowned and took out the other two pieces of information he had. In the first one, you suggested they could come handy. You obviously picked out places that were connected to your relationship. A realisation hit him and he looked at the tree's bark and the craving. Sleeping Beauty was the book you two read together in both versions, Muggle and Wizarding. So that is a message from you. Alice... in Wonderland. That made no sense... There was no other fairytale Alice or was there? Alice Through the Looking Glass! He smirked. You little minx! 

Severus even chuckled as he strode back to the castle and to his office. Once he entered he came to the mirror and wrote his name to enter in his quarters. And really, there you were sitting on his bed with one of his books in hands, raising your eyes from it upon his arrival with a huge grin.


	71. Chapter 71

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so we're about to have seven detention sessions with Severus which are going to be loaded with smut and hot stuff but also a lot of emotional baggage so... be prepared!  
> I'm definitely looking forward to it!!!

"You found me quickly, professor. I reckon you found all my clues without much trouble?" you asked with all the innocence.

"Hmm, I believe you made it easy on purpose so I'd find you quickly," he smirked and then frowned at the next moment. "Which doesn't change anything about the fact you're out of bed, after curfew."

"Oh, but look, professor. I'm definitely not out of bed," you said and giggled at his darkened expression.

"Let me correct myself. You're out of _your_ bed after curfew."

You almost made a retort that he could make _this_ your bed too but stopped the flirtatious comment before it passed your lips. You weren't here for getting to his pants, though the idea was more than tempting. You stood up from the bed, went to him and placed your hands on his chest.

"The detention was the final goal anyway," you whispered more solemnly and Severus knew that time for teasing and flirting is passed.

"And detention you shall have. A week of it in my office, every day."

"Only a week?" you asked a bit surprised and he smirked.

"I'm sure, if need be, you'll find a way to cause some more trouble," he answered and leaned down for a chaste kiss. It took a lot of effort on both sides to keep it that way. "Let's move back to the office, it's far too distracting to have you here."

You blushed at his admission, nodded your head and followed him out of his quarters.

"Interesting books you have there, by the way," you said to ease the mood before you'd dive into the past.

"It's an acquired collection of what I find interesting or rare."

You two sat down opposite each other and for a moment there was silence but Severus seemed to be just forming a sentence in his head because he spoke first and he went pretty much right to the middle of it.

"How many boyfriends did you have?"

You were taken aback by the question.

"What?" you asked, just in case you heard incorrectly, which made him irritated as he folded his hands on the desk and leaned over it to you.

"How. Many. Boyfriends?"

"Seriously? That's your first question about the three years we spent apart?" You didn't know if you should laugh at his petty jealousy or be angry that this is what he's interested in. A bit of both seemed like an appropriate reaction.

"Answer me."

"Honestly, Severus, I don't know. I guess there was just Daniel and one nerd guy. The rest was just fooling around."

"Fooling around?" he gritted out. "How?" You still couldn't believe you were having this conversation but he was definitely bothered by this if you could judge by his clenched jaw and fervent expression. 

"Just kissing, fondling, light groping..." You felt super uncomfortable talking about this.

"Just-"

"Now it's my turn to ask," you interrupted him, feeling like being interrogated instead of having a discussion. "Did you join the Death Eaters right after you finished school?"

Severus was mulling over if he should go with the flow or stand his ground and demand the answers he wanted. Eventually, he relented, knowing that his past would be a far worse hurdle to overcome than whatever you have done. Which didn't mean that he wasn't troubled by what you just said to him.

"I was thinking about it for a long time. Practically from my first year at Hogwarts. I got into the favour of a very powerful Death Eater, pure-blooded, six years my senior, so we didn't spend much time together at school. But we kept in contact. During my sixth year, I started some light espionage and mostly provided spells of my creation. If you're asking about the Dark Mark and when I become one of the inner circle, that would be a year after I graduated."

"Can I see it? The mark?" you asked carefully and Severus was thoroughly weighing his options. He didn't want to show it to you but if he would ever take you to his room to actually do all the things he'd like to do with you, there was no way you wouldn't see it and it could possibly ruin the mood then. But this way it might keep him away from the deed longer and if he was a good teacher, he would want to have some sort of restriction to not ravish you. 

He wasn't a good teacher, to begin with anyway. He flipped the few buttons on his sleeve open and rolled it up to show you the dark tattoo on his left forearm. Not as dark as it used to be, he noted. 

You bore your eyes into the skull with a snake on his skin. It was terrifying, yet beautiful. Much like the man wearing it, you thought and looked him in the eyes.

"Did it hurt?" you almost whispered and Severus felt his heart swell by the worry in your voice.

"It was created to inflict pain," he stated simply and saw your small nod. It felt stupid to go back to his jealousy after such an emotional moment and so he asked something else.

"How were you during that Cursed Vaults situation? I heard some students were not in the best of conditions." You looked down at your hands.

"Yeah, I went through it unharmed but Vistaria was laying in the hospital for a year. It sucked. My parents weren't talking because my father opened up about... you know. My whole life was pretty much upside down," you said emptily and Severus saw how much hurt you buried behind that mask of indifference. After all, it was more than familiar to him.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he whispered and you smiled sadly at him.

"Yeah... Anyway, back to you. Did you... you knew those who tortured my mother right?" you asked a question which was weighing on your mind the most. Maybe safe for the killing question.

"Yes. Bellatrix Lestrange, her husband and brother-in-law. Out of the three, my guess would be she was in the lead of the whole action. She, most likely, kept your mother prisoner too. For how long was she missing?" 

"Since June. My father sent me to my grandma. He hoped to find her before I found out."

There was a very uncomfortable silence. You were thinking about your father and how you still couldn't forgive him for withholding the information from you. Severus made some silent calculations in his head, trying to make out the damage Bellatrix could do on your mother in that time. It was a lot of damage.

"I spied for the Dark Lord and held an informative sheet full of names of the member of the Order and those affiliated with it. I was sure to erase their names before handing it over. I wonder how they even got to your mother."

That information shocked you.

"You lied to...You-know-who? You could've been killed." The thought made you shiver and his intense eyes bore into you.

"If I didn't do it, you could have been in danger," he stated simply. He recalled how little he hesitated before he did it. As if there was simply no discussion about the matter. "I tried to wash away the guilt by gaining valuable information about the Dark Lord's prophesied demise. When he targetted the Potters... I went to Dumbledore, full of guilt once again. I foolishly thought he'd help them if I gave him the information but he demanded I switched sides and spied for him."

You gasped. So it wasn't even Severus' decision? This was probably the only occasion on which you were glad for Dumbledore's nasty and calculating character.

"Would you..." you couldn't ask the question but Severus knew what was on your mind - would he have changed the sides otherwise?

"I think I would. Not so long after, they killed my mother. A blood-traitor, they said."

Sure. He told you about that. 

"I had only three people in this world I loved and two of them died in that war. Both of them by my supposed leader. One of them, thanks to the information I had gained."

You could hear the bitterness and anger he felt for himself. 

"Don't go down that rabbit hole, Sev. You need to move past it and not coming back to it again and again."

"I know," he sighed, "but it's easier said than done." You nodded in understanding. He looked so tired. You stood up from your chair and moved around the table and behind him. You placed your hands on his shoulder carefully and tried to press and mould the stiff muscles there. Severus relaxed under your touch and closed his eyes blissfully. When has anyone massaged him? Never. You leaned to his ear, still working on his shoulders and exhaled. He felt the warm breath on his neck, ear and partly on his cheek and shivered.

"You're too tense, my love" you whispered and he snapped. He took you by the neck and pulled you more forward as he turned to you and crushed his lips on yours. He turned in his chair sideways and you walked around it to be in front of him while you were kissing each other passionately. He pulled you closer and placed his other hand on your waist. You quickly decided that this was by no means comfortable and straddled him on his chair, purposefully grinding onto him, creating friction which made you moan and made him groan deep in his throat. His hands started to travel down, from your neck to your breast, from your waist to your ass. Even his mouth trailed down to your neck. 

Severus was desperate to touch you, to feel you and taste you. He sucked onto your neck, pressed his thumb over a place where he guessed your nipple could be and grabbed your ass in perfect synchrony, which made you moan so loudly and lewdly you felt a bit embarrassed. Severus, however, felt like he could listen to the sound four times a day for the rest of his life. Which was exactly the scary thought that made him stop.

"Ehm... we should..." he tried to say a coherent sentence.

"Yeah... I should go," you said, trying to catch your breath and move away from him without creating some more unwanted (and yet totally wanted!) friction. No such luck and you could see the moment his eyes hooded over with more lust and feel the delicious feeling shooting from the little nub of nerves to your core. You moved away, nonetheless. 

You went for the door quickly and he followed closely but not too closely. As you were about to reach for the doorknob, you span on the spot and faced him with uncertain expression but then you grinned.

"Well, I definitely know what I'm gonna do right after I come to my dorm room while thinking of you. Maybe you could think of me too?" you asked innocently but with a flirtatious smirk which couldn't be misinterpreted. Severus groaned at the thought of you laying in your bed, rubbing yourself with his name on your lips...

"Damn you, little minx. Get outta here before I'll take you right here, right now."

"Is that a promise?" you teased but at the dark expression he displayed, you opted for quickly exiting the room. 

When you came back to your dorm, you really did as you said. Never before were you so grateful for the Muffliato Charm, which Severus taught you while still at school, because you really came while screaming his name and you came harder than ever before with the still-vivid memories of his touch.

Severus was in his room, laying in his bed and trying to envision you there, naked with your hands all over your body. He would do anything to hear your lips scream his name at that moment. His mind went into a system error from the overlap of different scenarios. He was achingly hard and utterly embarrassed when he finished not even two minutes after he touched himself. The horror of that realization, mixed together with the one he felt during the make-out, was the reason he had a shitty sleep that night and was a grumpy bugger the next day. The effect you had on him was simply too strong and he needed to get a hold of himself. 

\------------

The next day you, unlike Severus, woke up with a huge smile on your face. You felt great but the happy-go-lucky mood lasted ever so long and as you saw Severus, the fog of happiness gave way to thinking. Mostly about what you actually found out the previous day. He was so full of guilt and yes, he was partly responsible for Lily's demise and yes, being a Death Eater certainly wasn't the smartest decision BUT... he risked his life to save your parents, he was so devoted to the three women he loved it almost broke your heart that two of them were gone forever. It also made you realise how important you are to him now. You were the only one left and that put a certain pressure on you. Were you any less convinced that Severus was the only one for you, you'd have a panic attack. It's quite a lot to live with when you're the only person someone else cares about. Well... there was the Potter boy. Though Severus promised not to die protecting him, you knew that he would care about the boy even if he didn't want to. That's how Severus was. Once he gave his love and affection, the person would never lose it. It spoke of a big heart but also a very difficult and guarded life. 

As you were eating your breakfast, you thought back to when you were trying so hard to gain his affection. Suddenly you understood why he gave it so cautiously and slowly.

You spent the rest of the Sunday within your dorm, thinking about all the questions you wanted to ask Severus, instead of studying for your N.E.W.T.s. Damn tests, you still had no idea what you wanted to be once you graduate but you had a very clear image of _who_ you want to be with. And that was enough for you at the moment. 


	72. Chapter 72

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit angsty... we're working on some issues after all.

While you were holed up during Sunday and Vistaria had Quidditch practise, Kirtida wandered the castle hallways and corridors aimlessly, deep in thought. She must be really wrong in the head to be still hung up on her one little mistake. Then again, maybe she wouldn't make such a big fuss about it if she didn't try to hook up the boy who was to end up with her with one of her best friends. How more messed up could it be? Oh yeah, she almost forgot that the guy also had a huge crush on her other best friend. This was simply too messed up!

Without thinking, she bumped into someone and was surprised to see Xenophilius. 

"I'm so sorry! I wasn't paying attention," she tried to apologise with a huge grin which came to her harder than usual. She wasn't that acquainted with Xeno but he always seemed like a cool guy with a similar look at the world as she had.

"Oh, Kirtida right?" he asked and his voice sounded kinda otherworldly. 

"Yes, that's right," she grinned, this time genuinely. "Xeno, right? Y/N talked a lot about you."

"Oh, yes, we were great friends before... I got busy and she... got busy."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Though she had no qualms about you being busy. Especially, when she knew with _whom_ you were so busy. She chuckled.

"Nice seeing you. And this lively too. Your aura is a bit darker and foggier than usually."

Kirtida's smile wavered.

"I have some things to think about."

Xeno smiled and patted her head. "Don't we all?" And with that, he left.

Kirtida stood there, thinking about Xeno's words. True, everybody had things on their mind. Is that why she always felt so... different? Was everybody just weighed down by their everyday worries? At that moment Kiritda really appreciated how carefree life she's lived until then. She started to walk towards the pitch, maybe to cheer Vistaria up but once she came outside into the biting cold, she knew she wouldn't last for long and so she turned towards Hagrid's hut. Kirtida always liked the robust, clumsy man and often went to visit him.

"Kiritda!" he hollered as soon as he opened the door for her. "Come in! I was just explaining a few overgrown misfits that they shouldn't plant slimes to the greenhouses. Professor Sprout was very mad and took them to me for detention."

"Oh, I don't want to intrude if you're busy."

"Nonsense! You're always welcomed here! Just sit down, let me boil a kettle and don't mind them. They're tasked with spraying herbicide on pots they infected."

Kirtida came in and her smile froze on he lips when she noted four familiar figures, crammed together with many plant pots. They all looked up at her when she entered the small hut and their reactions were just as surprised as her own.

"Kirtida?" Daniel asked first, which only made her frown.

"So you are the overgrown misfits who infested slimes into Professor Sprout's Glasshouses? Very mature," she couldn't help the jab. Tedd and Gemma gave her nasty looks, Zachary simply ignored it and only Daniel looked somewhat embarrassed. 

"It certainly wasn't our brightest idea, but I'm sure Slytherins can be overgrown misfits too," he tried to turn the whole situation into a joke and Kirtida did smile and almost even laughed. 

"True, but we're taught in the art since a very young age so we won't get caught in the seventh year," she teased again but with no malice this time. Daniel and even Zachary laughed while Tedd scoffed and Gemma just tried not to retort.

"So what are you doing here if you're not in trouble?" Daniel asked just in time for Hagrid to show up with a hot kettle.

"Here you go girl, sit down and tell me all about that hurt owl you found."

"Oh, she's great! Thanks for the salve, it really put her up one her... feet? Talons? Anyway, she's already back at the Owlery, as good as new," Kirtida laughed and Daniel just looked at her, completely forgetting his work. 

"Pst, pal, keep on working," Zachary said but Daniel wasn't even listening. He wasn't stunned by her beauty or rendered speechless by her laugh. It was simple curiosity. Ever since he found out that she was the girl for him, she was constantly on his mind and he couldn't help but wonder, why her. She was pretty, yes. She was very peculiar and he found her jittery, sunny nature adorable, sure. But it's not like she took his breath away. Not like Y/N did some time ago... so what was it?

"Take a picture, mate, seriously," Tedd teased and Daniel looked at him.

"What?"

"You've been staring at her for good four minutes without doing a single pot," Gemma said.

"Seriously, do you have a thing for green colour or what? Are you about to try all three of them? That's messed up, mate, they're like, best friends," Tedd said, though his tone didn't really suggest that he thought it was messed up.

"That's... Montague and I were just messing around and it was all because of her actually," Daniel said and pointed with his head in Kirtida's direction.

"Hey, you lot should be workin', not chattin' or you're gonna be here 'till sundown," Hagrid interrupted their little talk, and they got back to the work, but Daniel noticed how Kirtida was checking him out. Like really ogling him from toes to head until their eyes met and she jerked her head away. It made Daniel grin, and he was beyond satisfied long after Kirtida left and even long after they finished their assignment.

\------------------- 

As the evening and another detention approached, Severus tried to calm down. This whole day he was wrecking his brain about you and... you. Pretty much every thought had something to do with you. How would you react after he'd unveiled yet another part of his past? Would you be alright? Should he be totally open and honest? Were you able to take it? Weren't you too young for all this? Like, literally, _all this_? Were you two about to... settle in a romantic relationship? Why did he crave it so much? And why did he fear it even more?

All the questions that plagued his mind disappeared once you entered the door to his office. He could tell you were nervous, your bad habit of fumbling with your sleeve in action. 

"Good evening, professor," you said and he snapped his wand in the door's direction, closing it behind you and then he mumbled something under his breath. Muffliato, you guessed.

"Sit," he said simply and only when you came closer to him and sat down, it hit him that this is the first time speaking with you since the heated make-out from the day before. He had you in a small, confined room again. These little detention talks were proving to be more difficult than he originally thought and as if to assist his thoughts, he felt uncomfortable tightness in his pants. Damn it. 

"Back to yesterday's topic. How many... 'fooling-around' partners did you have?" he growled out. Right, turn the focus to the anger, that should help his nether regions to calm down. Get some blood pumping from there to the rest of the body.

"Sev," you said with warning. Was this really all he has on his mind?

"I want to know," he gritted out and even slammed a hand on the desk. You frowned.

"You're acting like a child." You could sense it was a bad move to say this when Severus' eyes narrowed and he stood up.

"This whole thing, talking about the past, it was your idea. You were the one who said that we should clear away all insecurities. And I. Want. To know." Severus was barely keeping it together. "Or did you think that I'd be the only one talking about the unpleasant past? That only I would have to bare my soul, my worst deeds to you?"

You looked down at the hands in your lap. So, basically, he thought you don't want to tell him because you have something to hide? Well, that puts a new perspective to it, indeed.

"No, Sev," you whispered and looked up into his angry face. "It's just... they meant nothing to me. Of course, I understand I need to reciprocate the openness but..."

"But what?" He still spat it out bitterly, though his tone wasn't as harsh as before.

"To me, there are many other things which are really important, things that were difficult for me and... these boys were all just nothing... a distraction from my actual life. From..." You got silent and thought about what you were about to say next. Severus was studying your face, noting the distress and it made him exhale, the anger leaving his body together with his breath.

"What?" he asked almost gently and you felt your tears were not so far away.

"I just needed to distract myself from thinking about you," you admitted and saw the change in Severus' expression. "They were just... filling the void."

Severus let those words sink in and felt a new kind of self-hatred... the kind where he felt utterly disgusted with himself. It was as if he saw you for the first time, too. He knew the naive and sunny girl from a long time ago and he knew the slightly sassy but broken girl he met that year but this was a new side to you. Vulnerable and sad, yet empty. As if someone stole a piece of you and you couldn't find an appropriate replacement. Yeah, that was exactly what it was. 

A feeling of anxiousness rose within you. This could be a means to your separation, Severus' guilt. It was his omnipresent companion and trigger for many of his actions.

"Sev, don't do this," you said firmly. "Don't blame yourself."

"You can't really expect me to be okay with what you just implied," he almost growled and this time it was you who slammed a hand to the wooden desk.

"I want to feel righteously mad at you and I can't do it if you're acting like a beaten puppy! You were gone for three years, the least you can do is to not rob me of my anger. You owe me this." It wasn't entirely true, but you felt like this was the only way for him to get over this.

Severus saw the logic and felt even more terrible. He was a damn bastard, really.

"I'm not a beaten puppy, squirt, I'm a man with many mistakes who followed a broken path to despair."

Your eyes softened at his use of your old nickname but it didn't soothe the burning anger.

"NO. I don't want to see this drama queen side of you, I want to see a man full of ambition. I want to see someone who does something instead of pitying himself. I want to know your past missteps and mistakes and I want to help you. What I need from you, however, is that you want this. I need you to want to move past all this. Past your Death Eater career, past your parents, past Lily. I want you to focus on you and if you find out that there's a place in your life for me after you got rid of all this shit, then I'll be happy to be a part of it. As of now, where can I squeeze in? You're full of these self-deprecating emotions, you practically hate yourself. In Merlin's name, you're so insecure that all you can think about is how many boys I've been snogging with and you know what? I'm tired of this! There's no space for love in that guilt-ridden heart of yours. I used to be strong and I fought for both of us. I told myself to wait for you, to give you space, time, whatever you needed because I knew that you were treated unfairly in life. But I've reached my limit here, I'm done, and if you really care about this, about me, about us... then I need _you_ to do the next step."

You stood up from your chair and looked at him firmly.

"Think about it. As long as you don't have a decent answer I don't want these sessions to be anything other than proper, student-teacher detention."

"Sit back down," he said, low and quiet, and you took a moment before you did as he said. You were surprised he even talked, you thought he would let you go and with some luck, he would speak to you the next day.

Severus was absorbing the hurricane of words you just hurled at him. 

"Your solution is flawed and solves nothing. The best course of action would be to continue talking to each other..."

That sounded reasonable but you scoffed and crossed your arms on your chest in opposition. He eyed the defensive pose and sighed.

"Alright, I will talk and you will just listen. I don't feel insecure, I feel possessive. It's part of my nature and it won't disappear overnight so if it's a problem, we can end this whole thing right away. Since I came here, I've read many teenage minds full of dirty and bizarre memories or fantasies about you and I wish to know, what's the truth, I want to hear from you, how far you went and with who, because it is important to me and this whole monologue of yours... though valuable for the information you told me about yourself, is not a very accurate analysis of my character or motives."

You wore an expressionless mask while thinking about what he said. Then you frowned and your right hand moved to your left wrist. Severus watched the motion curiously and his eyes slightly widened upon seeing what you were doing. You took off the bracelet he gave you. His eyes shot back to yours and saw the adamant resolution with which you were acting.

"Well? Go ahead." Your voice was firm, although you were very unsure about these actions. He'd better hurry up before you change your mind. Severus hesitated. He longed to see the inside of your mind so much but at the same time, it felt so wrong.

"Sev, I just gave you permission, you don't need to ponder whether it's moral or not." The irritation was clear in your voice and he frowned.

"I'm going in," was all he said before you felt a strange force lean into you and suddenly many flashes of memories appeared in front of your eyes. You knew it was just a courtesy from Sev so you could see where he was prying in your head, if he wanted to, he could have invaded without your knowledge since your walls were down. 

Severus went against time in your head and the first thing he stumbled upon, were your feelings for Xenophilius. You frowned, that wasn't exactly a good start since he was practically the only guy you really were attracted to. Severus noticed your discomfort and went through your feelings. Eventually, he found out that nothing physical has ever happened with this guy and went on. There was about a year full of memories in which you were almost daily meeting with one guy or another to snog in a hidden niche or in the classroom after everyone left or in the Common Room or bathrooms... he found out you used every bathroom in Hogwarts to make-out, each time with someone else. There were also a few memories of you pleasuring the boys with some light and honestly very frustrating strokes. Kisses, hickeys, groping, pretty much as you said and all of that happened while you paid it practically no attention. The empty feeling reminded Severus of how he felt in the red-light district. A weak substitution for what you really wanted.

Then he came to a memory of you in an Astronomy Tower. There was a boy and you obviously liked him but there was no deeper feeling and you didn't even go past kissing. After that, there was a thing he expected to see. Daniel. Lots of memories, some very sweet and some quite heated. Severus felt you genuinely cared about this boy but there was no spark. Caring, yes, even love to his utter irritation, but it was all platonic. 

Severus left your mind and you gasped at the feeling of being released from his magic.

"There... I think I'm tired already. Hopefully, we can start tomorrow's talk differently than this one," you said and stood up once again. But before you could leave completely, Severus grabbed your wrist to stop you. You didn't turn to him but you could feel his elegant fingers doing something.

"You forgot something," he said quietly and let go of you. The beaded bracelet was adorning your wrist once again.

"Thank you."

"No, thank you. And I'm sorry for today... next time you ask the questions," he said as a promise.

"Good night, Sev."

There was no answer but you weren't expecting one anyway. You left from his office with a completely different feeling than the day before, but somehow it felt right. This was important, you needed to talk about the serious things so you could be with each other and so it could last. Now, that the storm of emotions was calmed down, you knew, deep in your heart, that although this wasn't exactly pleasant, it was necessary and you found a new determination to get through all the horrors and fights waiting for you on the next few detentions.


	73. Chapter 73

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Kay... I think I might have gone a bit too far with this one 😅😅 I don't know... I even feel a tad bit embarrassed to post this 😳😳😳 Also, English isn't my first language, as I'm sure many of you noticed, so if there's some 'unnatural' lingo, please write me in the comment because I feel super insecure about this 😅
> 
> Without further ado, please enjoy!

Monday mornings were always a drag but this time, Vistaria felt like Monday lunch was the real deal. Both her friends barely opened their mouth, figuratively and literally. They weren't talking at all and they weren't even eating much.

"Okay, what the hell is going on here?" she asked and the girls looked at her with wide eyes, too deep in their thoughts to catch up on the other's distress.

"Potion class," you groaned and Kirtida groaned too upon hearing what you said. Vistaria started to laugh but stopped when you and Kirtida glared at her.

"Okay, okay... I get it... guy-troubles, right?" she said with mirth.

"You have no idea," you said and Kirtida nodded with a whine.

"He's everywhere! I met him yesterday at Hagrid's, the day before in Hogsmeade and today - Potions! What does a girl need to do for one day of peace and quiet?"

That was possibly the most discontented and miserable speech you've ever heard from Kirtida. 

\-----------------

Outside the Potions Classroom, Kirtida started to look around nervously, while you were fumbling with your sleeves, deep in your own thought. When Daniel came with Zachary, he immediately found Kirtida and you and a huge grin spread on his face.

"You, pal, have some serious issues," Zachary muttered, not viciously before Daniel went to you two.

"Morning, ladies," he said jovially and was met with uncertain and somewhat careful looks. Kirtida also looked scared. 

"Wrong era, Woodlock," you said with a faint smile. 

"Y/L/N, you hurt my feelings," he said with a smirk and quickly regarded Kirtida who was frowning. "Would _you_ indulge my fantasies, m'lady?" 

He wasn't even aware of the innuendo until he saw Kirtida's blushing, gaping face and heard Zachary choking on his chuckles. Daniel visibly paled and that made you laugh as well. You took Kirtida, who was distressed and shocked and totally unable to speak or move and pulled her into the classroom, which opened just then.

"Real nice, pal, real nice," Zachary said and patted Daniel's shoulder. "If you'll continue this way, she'll surely succumb to your natural charms in no time."

Daniel shoved his smiling, teasing friend. This was new, he usually had no troubles or problems with being charismatic and poised. Apart from you, no girl ever told him off but this was different. Technically speaking, Kirtida didn't tell him off, he just made an utter fool of himself. He felt a strange rush. Chasing after someone who he had a chance with but didn't fall on her butt right away... was exciting.

\-----------------

After the class ended, you couldn't take the strange tension in your whole body anymore and came to Severus.

"Profesor, could I talk to you?" Severus eyed you and then his gaze scanned over the room and the students packing their thing and filing out.

"What is it, Ms Y/L/N?"

"Could we... reschedule the detention? For now? I... don't feel quite well and I'd like to bed early today."

Severus frowned with worry, was this true or were you just trying to get in private with him? Whatever the reason, he was still very aware of the few students nearby and had to treat you like any other student.

"You probably should have thought about that before parading yourself in the castle corridors after midnight." He tried to say it in the same mocking manner he would use with other students but he could hear it wasn't the same.

"It was... a mistake. Please, sir, I'll behave" you pleaded and Severus had to gulp down. You rather enjoyed the bob of his Adam's apple, the only visible indication of how your words affected him. 

"Follow me, then," he growled out and the three students who remained noticeably hurried themselves to get out of their professor's wrath radius. 

Once you entered his office and he closed the door behind you he turned quickly to you and kissed you. With a wand in his hand, he locked the door and tried to focus enough to cast the Muffliato Charm wordlessly. 

You didn't expect the sudden attack on your lips but you relished in the feeling. It was a hungry kiss but it ended far too soon to your liking.

"Are you okay?" he asked and his thumbs caressed your cheeks as he tried to inspect you for any signs of discomfort.

"I'm more than okay." You smiled and put you hand over one of his. "I just... really wanted to talk to you." He sighed and let go of you.

"We should be more careful. This little stunt had the potential to reveal the nature of our relationship," he scolded you lightly.

"I know... but I did feel bad earlier, that was true. I... want to apologise to you. After thinking about what you said, I concluded that I might have projected some of my own issues onto you."

Severus was watching you, a bit irritated by this talk already.

"It wasn't... the way I acted was far from dignified."

The anxious feeling you harboured the whole day was slowly leaving your tense body and, out of nowhere, you felt an urge to hug Severus and feel his warm and solid body pressed to yours. And so you did it and sighed out with relief, Severus put all caution to the wind and embraced your smaller form in his arms. This felt so good and so right and started to fear that he would lose it.

"So, what exactly did you project onto me?" he asked softly, letting go of you. He went to the wooden table and sat down in his chair. You mirrored the action.

"My insecurities, for example." You looked away with a frown. "I might have mixed my own feelings regarding your past... partners with your own."

Severus smirked. He wanted to kiss away the pout on your face badly but chose words instead of action.

"There's nothing to worry about in that regard. They were all a paid service," he said rather distantly and emptily. Your frown only deepened and you looked back at him.

"That's not better though. It only means they were more... proficient."

Oh, the coin dropped and Severus understood the exact nature of your worries.

"You think you won't be... satisfying to me?" he asked and couldn't help the small twitch of his mouth. You noticed his amusement and were shocked.

"Not funny. This could become a very troublesome thing in the future."

Severus laughed that carefree laugh you heard only once before, and much like last time, it made your heart swell with love.

"Y/N, there's no need to worry about that, I assure you," he said jovially but his stare quickly intensified and darkened. "There's simply no way you could be dissatisfying," he said in a very deep and sexy way, and you shivered from the arousal it evoked.

"So you were thinking about me two nights ago as I suggested?" you asked in a breathy whisper. 

"I think about you _every_ night... and morning." You moaned from the image of him chasing his pleasure to the thoughts of you twice a day. His scorching gaze turned even more lustful after the sound escaped your mouth. Severus liked your breathy, moaning and flustered self very much and so he couldn't help himself but continue.

"I feel a strong urge to leave you here and go to my room to _think_ about you at the very moment," he purred. "Or maybe not, maybe I shall do it right here? In front of you? Would you like to watch?"

Your moan was louder this time and you felt your desire pool in your knickers. 

"Yes," you said without thinking, acting purely on your whims and instinct. Severus was stunned by your answer, he wasn't expecting it. 

"Well, then it would only be fair for you to entertain me in the same shape and form, would it not?" he tried to tease you and make you back down but it only filled his head with the fantasies, images. 

You were so enthralled by the idea of seeing him pleasuring himself, you actually twitched to touch yourself even before Severus suggested it and so you, without further delay, unclasped your robe and shrugged out of it. You parted your legs and one hand went quickly under your skirt and disappeared in your underwear. The moment you touched the tender flesh you moaned loudly. 

Severus watched it all in disbelieve until the sound and your heated stare made him move to also rid himself of the outer coat. Before he started to work on his breaches he went to you and slapped your hand away, which elicited a whine from you. He grabbed your waist rather roughly, picked you up and placed you on his table. His hands then moved to tuck up your skirt and admire the soft skin of your thighs while doing so. You were watching each other with so much want it made you shudder under his touch. 

"Sev," you moaned out when his fingers dug under the hem of your knickers. He swiftly pulled them down to your ankles, parted your legs and took two steps away from you, his black eyes roaming from your face to your newly uncovered parts. 

"Legs up," he growled, not entirely satisfied with his view. You bent your knee and put one of your legs up slowly, teasingly uncovering your glistening slit. The growled was almost animalistic and he made quick work with the rest of his obstructing clothes and watched your reaction. Your pupils were blown away, your eyes almost as black as his, you gasped at the view and you shifted your weight on only one of your supporting hands, the other one moving to your naked flesh.

Severus was just holding himself, too transfixed by your forefinger moving up and down teasingly along the undoubtedly warm and wet opening. You were watching him and moaning and whimpering, while you watched his stunned gaze and then you looked down at his considerable girth. The lack of movement triggered you.

"Touch yourself, Sev," you whined and Severus felt the twitch of his shaft in his hand and started to pump up and down with a throaty sound of pleasure. You moved your fingers up to play with the sweet spot of nerves there.

"Y/N," he growled out and it made your stomach roll with how sexy it sounded.

"Severus," you breathed out his full name which sounded like a hiss. It made Severus blind with lust and he knew he was nearing his peak. He looked at your not so ready body and wrecked is brain how to stimulate you without touching you.

"You like this, don't you?" he asked suggestively and watched you nod with another sweet moan.

"Imagine what it would feel like if I could touch you, _taste_ you."

"Sev."

"Oh, how I want to eat that little pussy of yours." 

"Sev!"

"I want to taste your juices and make you scream my name desperately."

"SEV!"

He groaned, the described fantasy turning him on as much as you, and he choked out your name as he came undone. You watched him crumble with your name on his lips. It threw you over the edge as well and you screamed his name loudly.

You were both panting and Severus could barely stand on his feet from the stimulation and exhaustion. You were looking at each other and after some more stabilising breath you started to collect yourselves. Severus took out his wand to quickly clean the mess on him and the floor and then he righted his clothes to the previous state. He looked at your desperate face. You were looking at your wet fingers and made a face when you looked down to your panties. Severus smirked and came to you. He took your hand tentatively and bore his eyes into yours as he slipped the two glistening fingers to his mouth. You gasped and felt a wave of new arousal, which synched up with the aftershocks of your orgasm. His tongue lazily twisted and slithered between your fingers as he licked them clean and you felt like he was giving you a teasing taste of what he could actually do with it. 

Severus put your fingers deep inside his mouth, and with a long and languid movement, he pulled them out completely. He enjoyed the lust-filled look in your eyes and your light shudder. From what he could see in your memories, he was fairly certain (and proud) that this was your best sexual experience yet. Those horny teenage dunderheads had no idea how to please a woman, luckily for Severus. Luckily for _them_ , he thought darkly.

He looked down and with a wave of his wand, he cleaned the mess you made there, though he really wanted to kneel before you and lick you clean down there too. Next time, he promised himself. Your clothes were righted and in place with another wave of his wand and he took your chin in his fingers.

"See? Pleased and content. And without you even as much as touching me or me touching you. There's no way I could ever find you dissatisfying."

Your heart skipped a beat at his admission and you smiled at him so brightly that he had to praise his previous restraint from touching you.

Since neither of you wanted to disrupt the calm and satisfied mood, the rest of the detention was spent in light conversation about your troubles with choosing a future career and Severus' grumbling about teaching ignorant dunderheads. 


	74. Chapter 74

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okaaay ...back to some serious business

You spend the whole Tuesday thinking about Severus and what you've done on your previous detention. Aside from all the sexy, delicious teasing you also had to appreciate how caring and thoughtful he was. At one moment, during your Transfiguration class, you even felt ashamed for how much of his tender attention you overlooked. He really cared about you.

Before you came to his door, you even figured out why you were acting out, like a brat. It was petty, really, and totally eye-roll-worthy, but you wanted to hear him say _the words_. Those fucking words he said only once and immediately accompanied them with an explanation that basically said it wasn't the real deal.

You shook those childish thoughts out of your head. They were replaced with dirty and sexy fantasies right away and with a groan, you had to push these thoughts away as well. Focus on the bigger picture, girl, you scolded yourself mentally. The sooner this will be off the table, the sooner you can hop on the table. That though conjured a very vivid memory of the previous session and you had to sigh with a chuckle. You were really too much in love with this man. 

Before you could raise your hand to the door, it flung open and Severus stood there, watching you with a raised brow.

"Why are you stepping on a place outside my door?" His voice was detached, no doubt to prevent any suspicion in case someone would overhear.

"So sorry, professor. May I come in?"

He stepped aside from the doorway and gestured for you to enter. He did the classic routine and turned to you.

Severus was also thinking about what happened between you two throughout the day and much like you, he also concluded that you should get all the feelings out before you started... your... _relationship_. That word was still somewhat intimidating, even in his head.

"I want to talk," you said with resolve and Severus almost found it funny. He went to his chair and saw you already sitting in yours. His hands folded neatly on the dark wood and he waited.

"Did you ever torture anyone? Like... they did?"

Severus frowned for he knew this was a very personal question for you. You were wasting no time, obviously.

"I did," he answered. You gulped and looked down.

"Okay...how...many?" 

"I was present at many torturing sessions and there was a thing among Death Eaters... You could call it a 'mock torture' where we cast Dark spells at each other to... know which are the most effective. Other than that there was only one person I personally tortured."

You shivered for many reasons after he finished talking, one of them definitely the hateful glare.

"Who was it?" Your voice was barely a whisper but in the pregnant silence, he heard it perfectly. So much so it felt almost as if it was piercing his ears.

"Tobias Snape," he snarled and you gasped at the strong and absolute hatred in his voice.

"Why...what... I always figured your relationship with your parents wasn't the warmest one and... You told me he was Obliviated so... Why?"

Severus was thinking for a very long time. This was deeply personal. It also wasn't just his shame, it was his mother's suffering and he wasn't ready for talking about it yet.

"Don't ask me that."

You bit your lip in thought, mostly to shut up the nasty and petty voice in your head screaming that he's being dishonest. Fucking fuck, you swore in your head.

"Did you use some...really disturbing Dark spells?"

"Define really disturbing."

Very well...did you use the Unforgivable Curses?"

"I used the Imperius Curse on a few occasions."

He didn't continue and you didn't know if you should presume that he didn't use the other two simple by that. The intense and challenging stare on his face told you otherwise. As if he wanted you to ask

"The Cruciatus Curse?" you asked with a shaky voice. This was really nerve-wracking, what was his end-game here?

"Part of the 'mock torture', yes." 

Okay, so he did use that one too. He was waiting, patiently, but all he wanted to do was tell you. Of course, there was a part of him which really loathed the truthful answer to your next logical question. Also, it was scary.

"Do you really want me to ask the next one?" He was surprised by the question. Were you giving him a way out? It would be so easy to take it and he wanted to take it badly but...

"Would you be able to stay with me without knowing for sure?" he countered and by the change of your expression, it was abundantly clear you wouldn't. "So ask."

There were tears in your eyes already because the wise and logical part of you _knew_ the answer. He wouldn't prolong it so much. He wouldn't make it a thing if the answer weren't positive. But still, you needed to know for sure. If you thought him a murderer without any proof or confession and if it wasn't true... what a horrible thing.

"Did you ever use the Killing Curse?" you whispered, and your desperate and pleading look tore Severus apart. You wanted him to say 'no' so much. And he wished more than ever that he could say it without lying. 

"I did."

There wasn't even a surprised gasp, just sniffling and soon after sobbing. This sucked so much, you thought. Your hands tried to catch and wipe the tears but you were just smudging them across your already wet face. 

Severus was physically suffering from seeing you like this and he wanted to comfort you more than anything in the world but he was afraid to touch you. He feared it would only make things worse, that you would slap his hands away, that you'd call him a murderer, that he would look into your eyes and saw fear or hatred or disgust.

"Y/N." His own voice was cracked with sadness and thick with unshed tears. You tried to look at him but your vision was so blurred you barely recognized his silhouette in the dimly lit room. 

"Sev," you croaked and barely recognized your voice. This was the worst but you simply had enough. You wouldn't describe yourself as a crybaby, quite the opposite, you barely got emotional. It was just all those canned and bottled emotions tended to break free from time to time and this seemed to be one of those occasions. The last drop.

Severus was lost for words and had no idea what to do. He certainly didn't expect this reaction. Maybe some screaming and yelling and some anger tears, some cuss words, some terror and fear. But this broken dam? That wasn't in his replayed scenarios and he had no idea how to react. As a typical man who didn't grow up with sisters and wasn't exactly a dating guru, he had no idea what to do with a crying woman and felt like it was far beyond his competence to do anything about it. And that made him angry with himself and frustrated. As much as his pride told him not to, he decided the best course of action would be ask-and-learn.

"Y/N, I don't really know what to do here."

He hoped the vocal acknowledgement of his lack of experience in these matters would be incentive enough for you to tell him what to do. Without him asking for it.

You were barely capable of speaking but you raised your head, looked at him and then raised your arms in an opening gesture. Severus was watching you but he still didn't move so you beckoned him towards you. 

He stood up and came to you, very cautiously, in case you'd change your mind. He kneeled on one knee in front of you and took you into his arms. You embraced him so tightly he was surprised you could muster such strength. Most of the sobs were now muffled as you buried your face into his chest and you very slowly moved your body from the chair to the floor so you could ball yourself up into him.

Severus saw what you were doing and quickly decided that there was a more comfortable place to get all curled up at. He changed the position of his arms and swept you up, bridal style. The motion brought up memories, almost like a deja-vu as he opened the door to his private chambers. Your dizzied mind wondered for the briefest moment how was he able to do it with you in his arms. 

He placed you on the bed gently and wanted to retreat but you stopped whatever notion he had by gripping onto his neck and shoulders. 

"Don't go, don't leave, Sev." You sobbed and sounded awfully pathetic. You knew you would curse yourself endlessly once you'd calm down. So disgraceful and weak. "I really need you now."

Severus laid next to you and you immediately scurried to his side to feel his warm, comforting body. His long firm arms wrapped around you gently and you felt like you could breathe ever so slightly better than before. You cried and cried and Severus drew gentle circles on your back which made you feel warm. 

"I wasn't expecting this reaction, honestly," Severus said after many minutes of comforting you wordlessly. You groaned between the quiet sniffles.

"I know, I'm sorry. It's not just you... I guess I'm really stressed out about everything lately." You felt like your older self already and much as you thought, you despised this break-down to the very core of your being.

"Your mother?"

"Yes. And my father was a dick to you. And my grandma is practically inspecting you in every letter she sends me, barely writing one line of how mum is. I mean, I get it, there's not much to write about when there's no change... and I'd really like to know which N.E.W.T.s to take and what career I should choose. And I really hate Dumbledore and... I hate Lily and I even hate that little snot who survived. This whole freaking situation is simply hateful!"

You were ranting and complaining and a bit exaggerating and you knew it. Severus knew it too and his mouth twitched with amusement.

"Now who's the drama queen?" he teased and you frowned.

"I know, I know... I told you I projected my feelings on you." Your sour face and irritated voice almost made Severus smile. He took a deep breath.

"So all your other problems and frustrations aside, what's your actual reaction to... _that_?" he asked quietly, his hand halting on your back mid-move.

"I don't know, Sev. I mean, of course, I'm not okay with killing people. I don't even know if I want to know who they were but..." You looked deep into those black eyes of his. "I know I love you." You smiled at him but then, just to be sure, you added 'romantically', so there was no doubt about the nature of your feelings.

Severus didn't know what exactly made him finally feel comfortable with the words but he knew he could say them now, he knew he _had to_ say them.

"I love you too, Y/N." It was almost a whisper but you heard him and your heart was beating fast in your chest. Then he frowned for a bit and you thought he was about to say something like 'but I'm still not in love with you'. But... "Romantically," he spewed the word out as if it was poisonous, even rolled his eyes at it and you would bet that you heard him mumble 'how can someone say this with a straight face' but you barely paid it any mind. You felt new tears, happy tears, and you kissed him.

Severus frowned with confusion. Were you crying again? And kissing him? He kissed you back, carefully, not quite sure what was going on here. When you parted you were grinning like an idiot. 

"Go to sleep, you foolish girl. Merlin knows that it's the only time I don't need to worry about you." He was saying it as a jab, sarcastic and somewhat insulting but the mere implication of him worrying about you made your smile even brighter.

"Goodnight, Sev," you said contentedly and nestled your head on his chest. He placed a kiss on the crown of your head.

"Goodnight."


	75. Chapter 75

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay it's sort of a filler chapter so you know that we have a life outside detentions too 🤣🤣

Severus woke up with a blissful feeling of actually being rested. It's been so long, he's almost forgotten what that felt like and he enjoyed the feeling for a moment before he registered the warm body pressed against his and the weight on his arm. 

He was faster than lightning, snapping his eyes open and raising to a sitting position. The abrupt and not so gentle movement woke you up and you grumbled something under your breath before you heard his voice.

"Wake up, you can't be here. What time is it?" 

Severus was on the verge of panicking which made you aware of the situation and you quickly stood up. You both fell asleep in your clothes so there was no need for hasty cloth-gathering but you were both quite restless.

Severus was berating himself for being so careless and stupid. When he thought about it you two even willingly said goodnight to each other, what was he thinking at that moment?!

"You need to leave, quickly."

"Sev, wait, it's right before breakfast, I can't leave your office at such a time. After breakfast would be more plausible, maybe you wanted to inform me of... I don't know, failing grade. I think students wouldn't find it so odd for you to willingly ruin a day for someone by telling them in the morning," you gigged at the last sentence but Severus wasn't in the mood for this. He had to give it to you, however, that you couldn't leave now.

"I need to go to the breakfast, my absence would be noticed," he said impatiently.

"Oh, even better. Go ahead first and I'll sneak out after you. If someone asks about it, I'll tell them I sneaked into... charm a better grade for myself on the last paper."

Severus had to roll his eyes. You certainly had a knack for stupid cover stories.

"No one would believe you stupid enough to risk my wrath for a grade if you were caught."

"Hmm... but everybody thinks that I try to seduce you for a better grade anyway and that you're coldly refusing my efforts. It's actually a great source of amusement for some o the girls..., so maybe they'll see through it but they'll think it's just one of my 'lame attempts' to make you notice me," you said and batted your eyes at him. He suppressed the smile threatening to spread on his face.

"Maybe I underestimated the depths to which you thought this through," he said.

"Oh, professor, you know how it is... we Slytherins are simply good at these things," you teased him. You felt very good that morning, apparently after the emotional bomb ticked off, you felt way better. Severus also noticed. This was the flirtatious minx he met at the beginning of the school year. You were lucky he was so well-rested and content, or he'd be pissed by your lack of seriousness and caution. 

"There's one flaw in your plan, though," he said and this time there was a playful twinkle in _his_ eye. You raised your brows and your mouth formed the innocent, surprised 'o'.

"I reckon I told you two days ago that I think of you often... every night and every _morning,_ " he said and his eyes turned down to his pants and yours followed.

"Oh... right," you said absentmindedly, too focused on the bulge under the clothes. 

"Yes, exactly. What more, I really need to freshen up, I can't go right away."

Yeah, you could relate, you needed a shower badly. 

"Okay, take your time in the lavatory, go to breakfast, I'll freshen up after you and... well I'll have to go to my first class on empty stomach but I think I can manage for one day."

"No, you need to eat."

You crossed your arms.

"Very well, sir, I brought up a few ideas and you rejected all of them so how would _you_ proceed in this situation?" The taunt in your voice made him smirk but when he tried to come up with a better idea, he came out with nothing.

"Okay, let it be your way," he said with a sigh but quickly turned to the lavatory. Maybe if he was quick enough, you had a chance to stop at the breakfast.

\---------------

You sneakily opened the office door, fresh and clean and super-hungry. You didn't even have dinner the previous day! It looked like the coast was clear and so you quickly went out and shut the door behind you. Then you went running in the direction of the Great Hall. It was just your luck that you had to run into Professor McGonagall, who was just leaving.

"Ms Y/L/N," she said sternly upon the impact.

"I'm so sorry, professor!" you said breathlessly after all the running. "I overslept." She frowned at you.

"Five points from Slytherin for tardiness and running in the corridors."

"Sure, professor."

You didn't even have time to sound remorseful and went into the Great Hall. You sat down to your friends with a glance in Severus' direction. He was watching you but quickly turned his gaze to Madame Hooch, who was only slightly older than he was and one of the first staff members who approached Severus without the fearful or disdainful look in their eyes.

You turned to your friends who were both having the same wolfish grins.

"Tell us EVERYTHING!!!" Kirtida yelled so loudly that you were sure the teachers must have heard her, though you were sitting on the opposite end of the room.

"Sh! Shhhh! Airhead! Keep it down!" you scolded her and for once you were thankful for her forgiving and laid-back personality because she completely ignored the name you called her.

"Well, don't be shy," Vistaria also nudged you, though she was far more civil about it.

"Let me eat, I have like two minutes. We'll talk at lunch."

Kirtida groaned but let you off the hook when she saw you hungrily devour the food off the table.

\--------------

You saw Lavender walking in your direction but you didn't make anything out of it until she stopped right in front of you. You were just on your way to lunch. Kirtida had Divination while you had a free period which you spent in the Library, so you were alone.

"Hey, Y/L/N," she said and grabbed your hand, "come with me." 

You didn't like her biting, almost barking tone at all. She stopped pulling you once you were in a less frequented corridor and she turned to you with a slap across your face.

"What the hell, Greengrass?! Have you gone completely mental?!" you yelled at her.

"Don't you dare as much as think of excepting Bertram's invitation to the Christmas Ball!"

"What?! This is your deal?! Who is Bertram?"

"Don't play stupid! If you'll accept, I'll make sure to let everyone know about your dirty little secret with Snape," she said smugly with crossed arms and nasty smirk.

Your heart was beating faster in your panic but then something occurred to you.

"I have no idea, who Bertram is, but after this little stunt, I'll be extra sure to get to know him," you said dangerously and almost heard yourself growl. The shocked and furious face of Lavender made you smile with satisfaction. "As for me and Snape, we used to be friends, Dumbledore knows, they all do. You have nothing against me except for empty threats," you said super sweetly and watched the colour of her face change into red. 

"Friends! Sure, I heard you talking about it." And here it comes. "You kissed him!"

As you thought, it was that one overheard conversation in your dorm. You scoffed.

"We were both students here at the time, what's your point?" 

"It's gross! He's a professor!"

You just raised an eyebrow at her. Was she really this stupid?

"Well, then maybe I should make it extra clear that there's nothing between us now. Maybe by going to the ball with...what was his name? Baltimore? No... Oh, yes, Bertram."

You turned it into a sneer but you seriously had a problem with recalling the name. Who was this bloke anyway?

Lavender visibly paled and you felt the evil, sassy smirk on your face. You were certain that whenever you had it on, you looked nothing short of a maniac.

"I think, the roles are rather reversed here, dear. I'm the one holding all the cards. If you as much as imply that there's something between professor Snape and me, then I'll feel a very strong urge to prove the world otherwise by dating this guy you want so desperately."

Lavender opened her mouth three times and she closed three times without as much as a sound coming out. You schooled your features into the most normal expression you were capable of.

"I don't understand, why would you do all this for a guy?" _Hypocrite_ , you heard a voice in your head. No doubt you would do even more than blackmail your classmate for Severus. You were basically doing it _just then_ to protect your relationship from being exposed.

"Of course you don't! For some, completely incomprehensible reason, almost every bloke in this school wants you!"

You sighed.

"They are all fools who think they have a chance with me because 'why wouldn't they'. Honestly, if that guy of yours will really invite me than he's just a nasty pig. If not but he's saying he will and would, then he's just an insecure boy. Wait and see for yourself which one of those he is. Wouldn't go for him if he's the former."

You left after that, not very keen on missing lunch after the less-than-satisfying breakfast.

\---------------

You came to lunch with a sour face and a bitter taste in your mouth.

"Wow, what happened to you? This morning you were practically glowing and now there are dark clouds over your head. Literally," Vistaria said and looked at something over your head.

"What?" You looked up and really, there was a dark cloud there. You looked around and you obviously weren't the only person with a weather forecast over their heads.

"Some idiot planted some sort of Mood Charm at the entrance. I got rid of it but some people, like little miss sunshine here, like it and of course the poor younger years have no idea how to deal with it."

You looked at Kirtida and the obnoxious rainbow and sun over her head. You took out your wand and dispelled the dark clouds over your head.

"I just had a very unpleasant chat with our old roommate."

The girls looked at you and spilt out the whole story. Vistaria was smirking and Kirtida was obviously worried, which resulted in a small tornado over her head.

"You were right. Most of the guys who are after you are pigs or insecure fools. No offence, but I doubt many actually care about you," Vistaria said with her typically brutal honesty.

"None taken."

"Well, how about we go back to what happened this morning?" Kirtida said with a bright smile, exited claps of her hands and fireworks over her head. Hmm, so it's not just weather.

You had to smile too.

"It was nice," you said. Well if that wasn't the understatement of the year... It was actually anything but. It was frustrating and sad and hurtful and then it turned to be the greatest evening of your life within his calming embrace.

"Tell us more! Nice how? Did you do anything?!" Kirtida teased with her eyebrows jumping suggestively at you.

"We were... talking." You laughed at your friends' exasperated expressions. "We talked about the past a lot. We... didn't do anything... yesterday." 

"What? You did something before?! You don't tell us anything!" At that point Kirtida was both shaking with you and patting your shoulder in a quick pace to indicate her frustration with you.

"It's not like it's easy to talk about it. We're in the Great Hall, anyone can overhear."

"That's a lame excuse and you know it. We share a room, you could've told us," Vistaria said with a smile. She found this whole thing funny, mostly.

For the rest of the lunch, you were trying to apologize and explain yourself while exposing as little as possible about your relationship with Severus. After all, the fewer people knew, the better.


	76. Chapter 76

Daniel felt like a creep, a stalker. How else could he feel when he was actually trailing behind Kirtida whenever she went. He was utterly fascinated by the abrupt changes of weather above her head and studied her facial expressions to match them to the emotions displayed for anyone and everyone to see. Daniel didn't understand why would anyone do this willingly but he found it so interesting he couldn't complain. 

It started at lunch, he couldn't look away and he caught himself remembering the tiny changes in her face whenever her emotions changed. 

"Mate, your starting is creeping me out, really," Zachary told him. 

"What?"

"You're like, staring, really staring. Go ask her out."

Gemma's startled expression was a clear sign she didn't like the idea. 

"The crazy Indian girl?" Tedd asked with a smirk. "Well, she doesn't look half bad. I wouldn't mind some snogging or maybe even some more action with that."

If looks could kill, Daniel would kill Tedd without a doubt. He was seating and was a few seconds from punching his 'friend'.

"Shut your trap! If you as much as think about-"

"Easy, Dan," Gemma tried to calm him down.

"Not cool, Tedd," Zachary said with a frown.

Daniel took his leave, while Zachary stopped Gemma from following him. When he went out of the Great Hall, he was pacing for good three minutes to shake off the dark, almost murderous thoughts. Prick, to talk like that about her. After the initial raw feelings settled down, he started to think about his reaction. Tedd was always a dirtbag and many poor girls fell prey to his often inappropriate advances, but he never cared until now. Not even when he was badmouthing you. Then again, everyone was saying those things about you. If Daniel had to punch every guy, he would have to punch literally _every guy_. He was still ruminating about what he felt but then he saw Kirtida walk out of the Greta Hall and that's pretty much how he ended up where he was. Stalking her around the castle, between classes, getting many scolding from his professors for being late or bolting out of the classroom early and of course many points very taken from Griffindor on his account. But he couldn't help himself. At dinner, when the charm finally wore off, he thought he would lose his interest but strangely his eyes were constantly coming back to the girl.

\---------------------

You were already sitting in your chair when Severus came in. He stopped and frowned when he saw you.

"You shouldn't be here before I am."

"True but I thought that stepping outside your door for an hour would look worse." You smiled sheepishly at him, trying to cover your nervosity. He wasn't one to be fooled by such a measly attempt.

"What is it? Why were you here an hour early?"

He was concerned with the clear signs of nervousness.

"I got cornered today about... us. I think I handled it pretty well, considering the situation but... people talk. Some know we were close while we were both students here and after my less-than-subtle flirting and teasing at the beginning of the year... I don't know, maybe it's just because of this morning," you sighed. Another thing to worry about was exactly what you didn't need. Severus came behind you and put his hands on your shoulders, trying to return the gesture of your massage.

"You're too tense, my love," he whispered into your ear, much like you did to him. It sent shivers down your spine and you briefly wondered if it had a similar effect on him when the roles were reversed. Severus smiled when he saw the goosebumps on your neck as he touched kneaded your muscles quite expertly. 

"Have you ever done this before?" you asked while enjoying the treat, eyes closed. Severus thought about your motives of asking this question. Was this another jealous inquiry? Or just praise of his skills?

"As a matter of fact yes, I did."

He noticed the way you tensed momentarily but you clearly let the issue go and didn't ask any further questions.

"There may be some perks to your previous experiences," you muttered with a smile, utterly satisfied. Severus smirked and leaned back down to you again.

"Oh you have no idea, yet," he whispered and you opened your eyes with the sudden rush of arousal. He chuckled and let go of you to go sit down in his own chair.

"Meanie," you mumbled.

"You like it." You raised your brows in surprise by the very confident comment and something, which in Severus' case, could be considered a grin, which accompanied it. However, you raised to the challenge in his eyes.

"You keep telling yourself that," you answered with a grin of your own, completely compromising the sentence. Honestly, you loved this, playful banter and you could definitely get used to it. Severus scoffed but then he became serious.

"Are you okay? Do you have any... other questions concerning our last... discussion?"

"Well, there's one thing I'd like to know. Apart from what I already know or your dad which you don't want to talk about, is there anything else that you regret doing?"

Severus frowned. Though he understood your meaning, the question irritated him.

"I regret the whole thing, Y/N. Three years of my life that, not only will I never get back, but I'll have to repent for the rest of my life."

You looked down, he was almost trembling from the suppressed anger.

"Sorry, it was a stupid question but-"

"I know. I know what you're asking, I just..." He breathed in. He knew what you meant by it is if there's anything substantial she should know. 

"Okay, let's move on. You've already been inside my head but I'm also curious about your past... partners."

"What?" he growled out. This was maybe even worse a question than the one before. "I already told you - they were paid."

"And? I mean did you have a... favourite? Or did you pick a different one each time?" You tried to imagine Severus with a number of unknown women and somehow it didn't fit. He was a creature of habit, though he wouldn't admit it.

Severus was practically staring holes into you, his thoughts running wild with _whys_ and _whats._ The situation seemed ridiculous, though after a while he had to admit that it made the tiniest sense and he might have dug up his own grave when he was teasing you before.

"Generally, there were two." You knew it.

"Two? What were they like?" You blushed at the implication. "I mean... what did they look like? Did you get to know them at all?"

Severus screamed internally. He would much rather tell you what they were like in bed than what they looked like. He was sure it would cause you less damage. 

"Aine was older... I think around 25 back then. She was... fiery and very, ehm, experienced for her age. It always made me cringe a little when I imagined how soon she must have started."

"Was she... your first?" you asked carefully and Severus scoffed.

"No, Linda was a virgin expert, or so she called herself. I revisited her twice before I went to Aine. Then I visited her exclusively for a time."

You felt a pang of jealousy.

"What did she look like?"

Severus was silent for a long time.

"She was Irish."

"What," you chuckled. "That's not-" _a way to describe looks_ , you wanted to say but then it hit you, she was ginger. "Oh." You frowned and tried to reason with yourself that back then, Severus still loved Lily and it's different now, but it worried you a bit. Did he have a type or did he choose her because she reminded him of _her_?

"She was busy once and I had to find someone else. Normally I'd leave and come back the next day but... it was Christmas."

You barely understood the logic, yet somehow you did. He just didn't want to be alone. You nodded your head for him to continue.

"I picked a young girl. Far too young. She was timid and some older customers leered at her disgustingly. I chose her and we went to one of the rooms but... I couldn't... we talked for a long time and she eventually gave me probably the worst blowjob I've ever received." He chuckled at that part almost fondly and you found out that you were even more jealous of this girl than the previous one.

"Did you come back to her, did you sleep with her eventually?" Your voice trembled and Severus thought for a moment you were about to cry the thought of crying never even crossed your mind, you were simply trying hard to keep the green monster in your chest at bay. Severus sighed.

"I did. I was... she was..."

You were getting a bit impatient and so you nudged him a little.

"Who was what?" you tried to sound collected and were almost successful.

"Like I said she was very young... untrained... she asked me for... accompanying her through one or two of her first experiences."

Severus was very uncomfortable. He suspected you had close to no knowledge of all the things that could actually happen between a man and a woman. Your next question only proved him right.

"What? She was a virgin?" you asked with clear confusion, your imagination running wild about those other experiences. She already took him in her mouth so that one wasn't an option. Your dirty mind supplied that there's more than one hole to you and you blushed deep red at the thought.

"I'd rather not venture to these waters. It clearly distresses you."

You only nodded, not ready to hear about this... yet. You were nervous enough about your first time as it was... the idea that there were more than one was... dizzying.

"Y/N, are you okay?" he asked with concern over your flushed face and wide eyes which stared into nothing.

"I'll be, soon enough," you said and tried to calm down.

Severus waited patiently for you to collect yourself but when you were about to open your mouth, undoubtedly about to ask another question about this matter, he quickly interrupted.

"Let's stop with that for now. I have some questions too. About that flirting period of yours."

"You've already seen everything." You frowned at him. What was this about? Severus frowned too.

"Yes, I've seen _everything._ There's one thing that concerns me deeply. Barty Crouch Jr., the-"

"Curse-Breaker, who helped Vistaria? You know him?" you asked with surprise.

"Unfortunately," he muttered and you paled at the realisation.

"He..."

"Yes. I met him only once on a mission but the man is positively crazy."

"But..." You shivered at the thought that you not only admired the man greatly but also had a small crush on him. Back then you were too distressed by Vistaria's condition and the fact that you kissed her brother to act on it but... you shivered again.

"Do I have a type or what?" you asked absentmindedly, still in shock from the information. Severus didn't like to hear that, however.

"You liked him?" he growled but what he really wanted to say was 'I'm nothing like him'. There was a very strong urge to distance himself from the lunatic.

"I thought you saw everything," you said.

"Yes, I saw and even heard pretty much everything but I can't access your thoughts from your memories only memories or current thoughts."

"Oh, I didn't know."

"Answer me," he said furiously. This really bothered him. It also bothered you.

"Yes, I found him... more than agreeable. I was even inspired by him to try and chase the same career path," you whispered.

"Did you know back then that your parents were a part of the Order?" he asked. The question made your blood freeze.

"You mean..."

"Did you?"

"I didn't _know_ but..."

"But?"

"I overheard a conversation... to me, it didn't make sense but to someone like him... it happened around the same time as when he was visiting the hospital, so I might have even think about it consciously."

You were starting to panic. Were you the reason your mother was in the hospital right now?

"Is he a Legilimens too?" you asked fearfully, dreading the answer.

"That I can't be sure of."

Severus saw the horror in your face and quickly came to you without commenting on how strange a coincidence it would have been if the Death Eater gained the information from elsewhere. He held your jaw by one hand, gripping it firmly and moving it without compromise so you'd look at him.

"It's not your fault even if he was," he said firmly but it did nothing to calm you down.

"I- I-"

"No, it was a coincidence, bad luck."

"But-"

"No buts, Y/N," he growled this out so you would finally pay attention to his words. "It wasn't your fault," he repeated and you looked into his eyes. He really believed it. You nodded.

"Okay," he said and placed a soft kiss on your lips. You sighed agreeably despite a few unwanted images of him and some unknown ginger woman and another girl of unknown looks apart from being young popping inside your head.

"I need some time... these detentions reveal more than I expected," you said and Severus hummed in agreement. You both needed time to let this sink in. 

"Tomorrow then," he said, implying that he would expect you. You nodded at him and left.


	77. Chapter 77

You were greatly disturbed by what your last detention revealed. You sent a late-night letter to your grandmother right after the detention, asking about your mother's condition more eagerly than ever and since the reply was, like always, very dissatisfying, you sent another one the next morning. The morning in your dormitory was quite awkward because the girls saw you being up late and when they woke up, you were already up again which made them think you didn't sleep at all. That was close to the truth but you had like three hours of sleep. You were too exhausted to not sleep at all, yet too worried too much to let your mind rest long. 

"Y/N, you look terrible, you should at least eat something," Vistaria said with concern. This was eerily too familiar and she didn't want you to faint again. You didn't pay he much attention, hoping for your owl to show up with mail, though there was no way that it would happen since you sent the letter only two hours ago.

"She's right, you're really worrying me," Kirtida said and gave you that look as if you kicked a puppy. It was the only thing that made you take a full spoon of whatever was in front of you and place it in your mouth. You spent the rest of the breakfast on that one mouthful.

The lunch didn't go any better and as the day progressed without any letter from your nonna, you felt the panic rise in your chest. Together with the lack of sleep, it really did make you slightly dizzy and the worst was yet to come. 

It was Thursday, which meant Advanced Potions closed of the day. Once you entered the stuffy room full of whatever vapours and smells, you felt a terrible headache and for a moment your vision was blurred but thankfully, it cleared quite quickly. 

"Damn, Y/L/N, what is it? You hungover or what?" one of your Slytherin classmates, one of those who leered at you disgustingly from time to time, commented with a smirk. 

"Piss off," Kirtida hissed at him and were you any better, you'd be surprised by the unusual dictionary. It definitely surprised Daniel who was just passing to his seat.

"What do you care?" the guy, you really tried to remember his name, said with a scowl.

"Hey, watch your tone, Bulstrode," Daniel interrupted.

Then the door opened with a bang and Severus entered with his usual theatrics, which made everyone shut up, thankfully.

You couldn't even look at him since your head hurt too much to open your eyes. 

"Are you okay?" you heard Kirtida's quiet voice but weren't the only.

"Something you want to tell us, Ms Chandra?" Severus asked with the usual coldness he expressed towards anyone in his teacher-mode. Kirtida wasn't used to it because professor Snape rarely ever talked to her. She suspected he was mildly spooked out by her visions and tried to interact with her as little as humanly possible in their positions. No such luck today, it seemed.

"Just, I'm concerned, professor. Y/N doesn't look too well, I doubt she slept and she's barely eaten-"

"Ms Chandra, take Ms Y/L/N out of my classroom before she makes a mess of it. Don't bother coming back, you both failed this lesson."

Bulstrode and two other Slytherin chuckled at that and Daniel was about to protest.

"Ten points from Slytherin," Severus continued with a glare towards the laughing group. "Now, are there any other Slytherins who wish to disgrace _my_ house?" he growled out and everyone was dead silent, Daniel was only slightly appeased that those three imbeciles were punished, though lightly.

You looked at Severus and felt absolutely horrible for putting him in this position. His eyes darted to yours with a worried and somewhat guilty look but quickly turned to Kirtida.

"Do you need some further assistance, Ms Chandra?" he asked with a sneer.

"No, sir," she said and thought she was a bit shaken by his response to all of this she was far more worried about you than one failing grade. She took you and you went out of the classroom.

"Prick," Kirtida mumbled but you whined frustratedly.

"It's not his fault. He has to treat us all the same or..."

Kirtida grinned.

"Oh, so there is something between you two."

You chuckled, although it made you wince.

"Like you ever doubted that."

"Well, sure, but your strange behaviour and how he treated you just now... I thought maybe you two had a fight."

You were slowly walking down the corridor to your dorms but Kirtida noticed and pulled you towards to staircase.

"Now that I know, that's not the case, I understand why he failed me too. He wants me to get you to the hospital wing and knows it's a hella long journey from dungeons," she giggled. "He really cares about you, it's sweet."

You smiled. "He has his ways." Then you looked at her mischievously.

"Though he's definitely not the only knight in shining armour in this particular story. So... how are things between you and Daniel?" you asked though you saw her frowning face.

"There are no _things_ to talk about."

"Yeah, sure, so his way of running to your aid when that knucklehead Bulstrode told you off, was no _thing_ at all."

The notable sarcasm in your voice made Kirtida frown even more. 

"If you want to go to the hospital wing alone I'm more than happy to go back and get something other than a failing grade," she said nonchalantly and you laughed shortly before your head exploded.

"Okay, sorry, please don't leave me now," you said with a forced smile but a pitiful and pleading voice. 

\---------

Ms Y/L/N, back so soon?" you heard the strict voice of Madame Pomfrey. "Oh, dear, you look like a nightmare."

"Thanks?" you said weakly.

"What happened?"

"She's barely eaten the whole day and though she claims otherwise, I doubt she slept at all last night."

"I did sleep," you countered with a groan for the fifth time that day.

"How much?" Madam Pomfrey asked.

"About three hours I guess," you mumbled.

"What were you doing?!" she exclaimed and was visibly upset by your answer.

"I... it's nothing. I'm just worried about my mother..."

It wasn't a lie exactly, you told yourself though of course, the main reason for your distress was the immense guilt you felt.

\---------

You woke up with a start and looked outside only to see darkness.

"Gallopin' Gorgons!" you exclaimed and hurriedly scurried off the bed.

"My, my, dear, where do you think you're going?" Madame Pomfrey scolded you. That woman came practically out of thin air and gave you such a scare, you almost screamed. 

"I have a detention with Professor Snape!" You looked at the huge clock and groaned. "I'm already an hour late, he's going to kill me!"

"Detention with Professor Snape?" She eyed you suspiciously and you quickly put on an irritated expression.

"Yeah, a week of it," you groaned.

"What for?" she asked and tried to sound somewhat disinterested but you knew better. 

"I was out of bed after curfew," you answered with less irritation and looked out of the window.

"Doing what?"

You started to shift uncomfortably and fiddle with your sleeves.

"Going into the kitchen for a late-night snack," you mumbled. It was such a blatant lie she had to question you further, right?

"Late-night snack?" she asked and her tone indicated she didn't believe it. You smiled internally but gulped nervously.

"Well... I... Please don't tell on me but I was actually going to meet a boy," you pleaded while your eyes nervously scanned the room as if you were afraid that someone else would overhear. When you finally looked at Madame Pomfrey, she seemed to be ever-so-slightly amused by your little show. Good, she bought it.

"Very well, I won't tell on you."

You sighed with fake relief. "Can I go now? Or I'll be in serious trouble."

Poppy doubted it, your cover story was so unbelievable, she was sure that Severus knew but let you off the hook. She was, however, more at ease about your relationship. It was clearly platonic, a friendship which grew to fondness and caring but nothing alarming.

"You may go, but be careful and try to get some sleep. If you'll have trouble with it, come for some Calming Draught."

"Sure, thank you."

You left the Hospital Wing with a sly smirk. You were convinced that whatever suspicions Madame Pomfrey had about yours and Severus' relationship, you deluded them convincingly. You were quite proud of your performance and on your way to the dungeons, you briefly considered an actor career. 

You rushed through the corridors like a hurricane and barged into Severus' office panting from the running.

Severus was shocked. He asked your friend whether you were still in the care of Madame Pomfrey at dinner and didn't expect you to come at all.

"I'm... sorry, I... overslept," you said while catching your breath and sitting down.

"What are you doing?" he asked and had a hard time keeping his irritation down.

"What do you mean? I'm here for our detention?" 

Severus pressed the root of his nose between thumb and forefinger, closed his eyes and exhaled.

"Seriously, Y/N, do I really have to worry about you whenever you're not sleeping? Because that's like another 16 hours job added to my current one." He was clearly failing to keep the irritation down.

"What do you mean? I'm completely fine now," you said stubbornly. There was no reason for you to not come.

Severus stood up with a sigh and started to rummage through some vials in one of the many cabinets in his office. When he found what he was looking for, he handed a small vial to you.

"Drik it."

"What-"

"Calming Draught."

"I already had one."

Severus didn't doubt that but he was sure that the effects were wearing down and there was some distressing news he had to tell you.

"Just drink it," he said impatiently and though you'd normally fight him back on it, you were late and your mere presence seemed to irritate him and so you gulped down the contents. It was a Calming Draught, no biggie.

"Today was Igor Karakaroff's trial... he was one of the caught Death Eaters and he decided to reveal some names."

He was watching you intently and you nodded for him to continue. This could have dire consequences and you understood why he wanted you to take the potion. What if the charges against Severus were brought up, what if he... had to go to Azkaban? You shivered at the thought. 

"Yours?" you asked and it surprised Severus. HE could see the horror in your face but he didn't presume that you'd be so worried about him. Granted, you didn'T have all the information he did.

"Yes, but no worries. Dumbledore was present at the trial, he already cleared my name once in front of the tribunal and defended me once again."

You felt an immense wave of gratitude towards your Headmaster. There was no way you would ever like the man but for this alone you were almost willing to forgive him everything else. Almost.

"Okay," you sighed out with relief. 

"He uncovered Crouch's identity." There was no reason to prolong this, Severus thought. Your reaction was immediate. The shiver, change of colour in your face, the look of horror. 

"He was sent to Azkaban."

"Really?" you said hopefully. You knew many got out of their sentence by claiming they were under the Imperius Curse.

"The charges were... undisputable." 

The careful tone he took made you tense.

"What were the charges?"

"Capture and torture of Alice and Frank Longbottom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that Barty Crouch's imprisonment didn't happen like that in the books but I took some elements from Hogwarts Mysteries for Christ's sake! So don't blame me too much for getting this movie storyline incorporated in the story instead of the original one 😂😂😅


	78. Chapter 78

After Kirtida helped you to the Hospital Wing and you were potioned into unconsciousness, she left to get to the dungeons to catch the students on their way out to find out what she missed. Not many people knew, but she was actually very studious. Not in the Ravenclaw way, she had no thirst for knowledge, but as a true Slytherin, she knew the power of it and was driven to achieve greatness. 

She wanted to ask Celia, a Ravenclaw girl who was her regular learning buddy. She could point out the best things to learn in Kirtida's opinion. However, before she could get to the girl, Daniel came to her with a frown.

"How is she?" he asked and Kirtida frowned.

"She's sleeping... finally."

"What's going on with her?" he asked and Kirtida just shook her head with a smile and a nod towards the Potions Classroom.

"What's always going on with her."

She watched Daniel's expression closely when she said that. He scoffed and slightly rolled his eyes.

"Riiight... so... "

"I need to catch Cilia to get at least some idea of what has been going on in this lesson," she said and with a goodbye smile she wanted to go after the said girl but she was stopped by a hand on her upper arm.

"Wait," Daniel said quickly and when he saw the confused look and the way Kirtida's eyes darted towards the leaving mass of students he blurted out: "Do you want to go to the Christmas Ball with me?"

He groaned internally. This rapid blabbering was _so_ not his style and it was sloppy and dowdy too, which was not how he planned this going on. Not that he, like, planned this or anything because that would be seriously uncool. Whatever.

Kirtida stood frozen in place and her mind was like a canvas, completely blank. 

"What?" she asked which made Daniel sigh a little. Okay, here goes a chance to make that sound a bit better.

"I would like to go with you to the Christmas Ball. That is if you won't send me packing," he said with a confident smile, which was far from how he was feeling at the moment.

"Why?" she asked with the same tense voice as before. Daniel chuckled at that.

"What do you mean why? It's a bit early for any profound confessions don't you think?" At that Kirtida frowned.

"Let me ask differently then, is this because you think we're supposed to be together?" she asked with a piercing tone he never heard from her.

"No, I'm asking because I want to figure out if there's a possibility of us being together," he said more carefully.

"Because I predicted it?"

"What's your problem here, Chandra, have you gotten up in a bed full of fire crabs this morning or what?"

"I just don't want to get into... a predestined relationship just because... just because I'm supposed to."

"You know, for someone who predicts the future, you're quite opposed to the idea of destiny. However, I couldn't agree more. If you remember, I stood my ground against your ridiculous allegations that I should end up with Montague."

Kirtida had no backlash for that. It's true, Daniel once irritated her with his lack of belief in the predestined future. She could really understand why now. She also viewed all of your past tantrums a bit more understandable, it's not a good feeling to be told what exactly happens in your life as if you have no control over it. 

"So, you're asking me because..." She was struggling to finish the sentence.

"Does it matter why? Would it change your answer?" he asked jovially and smiled that damn dimpled smile. 

"Of course it would! I don't want to be sliding into a relationship just because it's easy and you think it's the way it should be. But since you clarified that's not the way you think of this..."

She gave it a thought once or twice before. Daniel was undoubtedly an attractive guy and there was also that gut feeling she had a long time ago when you started to date him. Kirtida remembered the letters you sent her, asking her advice, which she ignored, simply because she had a 'bad feeling' about it. She knew that you were supposed to end up with Severus but there was something else nagging her. She didn't mind you flirting with other guys but back then she reasoned with herself that it was simply because Daniel was an actual relationship, unlike those others. Now she wasn't so sure anymore and it was partly a reason why she was so scared of this. Could she have suspected this all those years ago? What would happen if she listened to her gut feeling back then and told you to not date Daniel?

Daniel was getting more nervous with each second Kirtida was ruminating her answer. This girl, she could really put him on the spot. Was he ever this nervous?

"Okay, let's get to know each other better. But I'm warning you, don't overdo it, Woodlock. I like easygoing and nice, and I absolutely hate anything too practised or rehearsed, just so you know. 

"Please, have you ever seen me rehearse something? All this awesomeness comes effortlessly to me," he said with a boyish grin but Kirtida wasn't buying that.

"I also hate cocky."

"Well, that might be a problem, although, since we're sharing what we like and dislike," He leaned down to her ear and whispered: "I kinda like bossy." He leaned back before she could react and with a smirk went down the hallway.

"Of course you do, Slytherin lover," Kirtida murmured to herself but the smile on her face betrayed her fond feelings for the boy. She went to dinner with a chipper mood and light step, which made Vistaria raise a brow but thankfully she refrained from any comments or questions. 

\------------

 **(AN:** just to avoid any confusion, the D+K story happened before we went to Severus' office and learned of Crouch's imprisonment and involvement in the torture of Longbottoms. Right now we're coming back to that storyline. **)**

\------------

You were staring at Severus and had to blink a few times. The Calming Draught was in work so you weren't exactly panicking but there was a strange tension in your chest. You wanted to panic, you just couldn't.

"He tortured my mother?" you asked.

"Yes, that would be a... logical conclusion."

"So it really was me," you whispered. Severus wanted to say something clever to ease your mind but nothing other than empty words and measurements came to his mind. Rather than give you those, he remained silent, inspecting your expression.

"I-" There was a long pause. "I don't know how to react," you said with a hysterical giggle. "I mean I should be freaking out right now, I definitely feel like I want to freak out."

"But you can't," he stated with a sigh. "You won't feel bad that you didn't make a scene about this later, right? That would rather hinder my efforts in making you feel okay."

A swell of emotion has risen in your chest. He really was a very caring person when he wanted to be. You smiled at what Kirtida told you that day.

"My friend suspects that you flanked her out of today's class just so she could safely deliver me to the Hospital Wing," you said to ease the heavy atmosphere and stray from the topic of the previous conversation which you weren't able to react to.

Severus frowned and shifted in his chair. Was he so obvious or was it just because that girl knew things he wasn't comfortable with her knowing? This could be another crucial part of your possible future.

"Your friend... I suspect she knows about us?" 

"Well, she suspects to the point where we could say that she knows. You know how she is. But I didn't indulge her curiosity much, at least not about what actually happened."

"What _did_ you tell her then?"

"Just about my feelings," you said nonchalantly, trying to mask the unease. "Speaking of which... I'm trying to get out of her what exactly was her vision about us for good three years and she's adamant about keeping it a secret until you tell me yourself," you said with an encouraging smile. 

Severus wasn't comfortable with this at all. How could your conversation get more cringe-worthy each day was beyond him.

"Then, I'm afraid you'll never know," he said and saw the hurt in your face which quickly turned to anger.

"What? How come you can know but I can't?!"

Severus thought about how to explain this.

"I... don't feel entirely too comfortable discussing this. Maybe in the future. If you wish to know it sooner, you'd better work on your friend some more."

You didn't understand. In the future? You though Kirtida saw your future. What good would it be to know about the future when it becomes the present? Or was it a further future? Did she see you grow old together? That could be a scary thought even when you knew that you loved each other. It was certainly very definitive. At the same time, there was something deeply calming about it. But would Kirtida recognise you when you would have been old? Your mind went haywire and you weren't paying attention to here and now to Severus' relief.

His own mind was plagued by the visions he saw in the girl's head, one scarier than other and he wondered how could she be so supportive of you two... especially considering one of the visions which made his blood run cold.

"How accurate are the visions?" he asked and brought you back from your own little world.

"The visions are accurate as far as I know but... sometimes they could be misinterpreted. Some can be seemingly connected when they're not. Some can suggest a certain ending but if the result isn't part of the vision... it can be misleading."

That put Severus at ease a bit. Though the certainty that something like _that_ would happen...

"Sev," your soft voice made him focus on you. "Can you... would you mind telling me how your mother died? I mean, do you know who did it? How you... felt? How you dealt with it?"

There was much awareness in your voice and he knew why you were asking but this wasn't exactly an easy topic either. Suddenly he felt very exhausted.

"Tomorrow, Y/N," he said tiredly and slowly rose from the chair and went to you. He placed a chaste kiss on your forehead, then the tip of your nose and finally, he lingered a bit longer on your lips.

"I was worried sick about you today," he confessed with a sigh of relief when you placed one of your hands on his face tenderly.

"I'm sorry."

"I feel like a fool." You frowned at that admission.

"Don't. I worry about you all the time. I always did. It's a permanent thought on my mind."

"It makes one do foolish things. I might have exposed us today-"

"Shh," you said and put a finger across his lips. "I got a chance to fix it up a bit with Madame Pomfrey. That woman was super suspicious of us."

"All of the teachers are after what I've done when you fainted," he said derisively after he gently removed your finger from his lips.

"Then it's good I'm such a hell of an actress." You smiled at him and he couldn't but smile back at you. "And worrying about someone you love is a normal thing to feel, Sev. It's nothing to feel foolish or embarrassed about.

"I worry about you a lot," he whispered and you grinned at him. He didn't say that _just_ to let you know he worried about you a lot, after all, he already said he was worried sick about you and Sev wasn't exactly one to repeat himself. You knew he still felt awkward about voicing his feelings and you had to work extra hard to find the hidden meanings but there was a logic to them, thankfully. You said 'worrying about someone you love is normal' and he twisted it in his head to 'worrying means loving'. So basically, his 'I worry about you a lot' could be translated into 'I love you very much'. At least that's how you translated it in your head. 

"I love you too," you said tenderly and his expression told you just how correct your translation was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I say just how much I enjoyed the D+K stuff in this chapter? 😂😂 they are so funny
> 
> Also, I was obviously a bit sloppy in the last two chapters with some grammar so when you notice something, let me know🙏🙏🙏


	79. Chapter 79

**AN: NOT A CHAPTER!**

So basically, the time for our first sex is getting closer!!!! 💋💋😳😳💕💕

I basically want to hear your ideas on the topic and if I'll be able to I'd like to incorporate some of them in!!!

So please feel free to comment on how you'd like the deed done 😉 or even how you wouldn't like it at all 😂😂 every information is valuable.

I suspect I'll write about it in like... two or three chapters so feel free to take a day to think about it too if you'd like to 😉

Any other ideas or improvements to the story are welcomed too. If they don't stray from the original idea too much I'll be happy to oblige!! 

**Lots of love to you all who still read this and comment or bookmark or hit the kudos button, it means a lot 🥰.**

**Special thanks to my most devoted commentator 💕💕Alma_Rohe 💕💕 who even helped through my first writer's block with her constant comments.**


	80. Chapter 80

"You're awfully chipper this morning," you said in Kirtida's direction. She was like a buzzing ball of energy, even more than usual. 

"I got a date. Or at least a partner for the Christmas Ball."

"Daniel's a lucky bloke," Vistaria smiled and you nodded in agreement with a huge grin. Kirtida pouted a bit.

"You could at least pretend that there was some other option than him."

"Nah" "No way" You and Vistaria denied the possibility and then laughed.

"So, who are you two going with?" Kirtida asked but she was staring holes into you and only you.

"Yeah, like that would happen," you said sarcastically. "I wouldn't be even able to enjoy it with all the pressure and stress. We need to be careful."

Kirtida pouted again.

"Well, I'm going single and don't mind going single in pair," Vistaria said casually and bit down into a pear pie.

"Why not? It's a date," you answered but deep down you felt bummed. There was no way you could go with Severus, you knew that yet... this was so unfair. 

\--------------

Severus was barely standing after his last class of the day. This week of detentions was taking its toll on him. He barely slept, his mind swirling in circles. If he weren't so stubborn, he would have taken a dose of Calming Draught himself, but as it was, Severus was feeling far too uncomfortable to fall into such deep sleep. He was a light sleeper and it served him well on many occasions during his years as a Death Eater.

A loud bang of the door made him aware of your expected arrival.

"Could you possibly do it a bit more gently next time?" he groaned out and you took quick notice of his hunched body behind the table. He looked exhausted, indeed.

"Sev, you okay? You look like hell."

"Close the door," he growled out with irritation.

You grimaced at his bitter tone. You closed the door, came closer and fully noted the deep and dark circles under his eyes. You were sure your mind must have been compromised by the double-take of the Calming Draught the other way because there was no way you'd miss this otherwise. This was by no means a result of just one bad night sleep.

"You're not sleeping well."

There was a pause since you didn't really ask anything and Severus didn't deem your observation in need of an answer.

"Let's get you to bed," you said quietly and rose from the chair you sat down at just moment ago.

"What?" He was irritated and had a mind to tell you off completely.

"You need your sleep."

"That I certainly do. If I could get any, it would be amazing. However, as you can see, it seems to elude me."

He was really irritable and barely keeping his emotions in check. You smirked.

"Well, let's get you to bed and see if I can help."

"Not. In. The. Mood." Technically, he would be in the mood for _something,_ but he was sure that your games and teasing was to be met with a cold response from him at best. At worst you'd be dealing with an accumulated anger ball. 

"Neither," you said with a frown. "Don't act like a child and let me help you."

"You can't. Help me."

"How would you know since you haven't let me try?" You were being stubborn, you knew, but this state of his really worried you.

"I just know," he gritted through his teeth.

"Look at me, Severus," you said firmly as his head was hanging down the whole time you were talking to each other. Severus groaned but he raised his head to meet your determined look.

"I already have a mother at the hospital and by no means do I want to add you to her. So, even if it won't work, could you at least _try_ to get some rest? Please?"

You were practically begging him at the end but you knew that it would work better on him than being stubborn and argue with him. Severus frowned at you. He saw what you were doing and he could tell you that there was no way he would end up in the hospital for such a ridiculous thing... 

He didn't say anything, went to the mirror and looked at you, instead.

"Stay a while so it won't be too suspicious, then leave."

You frowned at that and went to him.

"I'm going with you of course."

"What?"

"You won't get to sleep if all you'll think about is... whatever keeps you up. We'll lay down and we'll talk, get your mind off of it and hopefully ease it enough for you to get some rest."

He raised a brow, it sounded as a well-thought-through plan and there was little he could object to. Unless he told the truth.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why?"

A predictable question, sure, but it still made him groan anyway. Did he really have to spell it out for you? Did you not see where this could all go? Or... did you know exactly what you were doing?

"It's nothing, let's go," he gave in and let you past the entrance to his chambers. You came in with a light heart and immediately laid down on your back on his bed, patting a place next to you. Severus was sure that this was going to end... well, definitely not with him sleeping. He came to the bed and carefully placed his body a few centimetres from yours. You eyed him curiously but let it slide. There was no doubt in your mind that before this detention was over, he'd be withing your embrace.

"Your mother... I asked about her yesterday and you said you'd tell me today but... if you don't feel like it, we could talk about something else. My nonna was quite supportive in her last letter and though there is still no news about my mum's condition, at least it seems her physical wounds are healing well," you started.

Severus got a headache even more intense after thinking about his mother but he was glad for the way out you supplied him with.

"I think it would be better to save this one for later," he groaned. He was groaning a lot he noticed.

"Okay... so is there anything else that's bothering you? You looked very stressed out, love, and I'd like to help you if I can," you whispered softly, turning your whole body to him and inspecting his face. He turned his head to you when you called him 'love' and there was a strange emotion there.

"Why do you call me that?" he asked and you took a moment to understand his meaning.

"Love? Ehm... aren't you?" you asked with confusion. He thought about it.

"I guess."

"You guess?!" you moved quickly to support your body on an elbow and look at him more carefully. This was outrageous. "Are you doubting me?"

"No, not you. Just..." He paused himself for a very long time and you tried to come up with the reason behind this. "The curse," he murmured.

"Merlin's pants! Not this again!" You had to sit properly and turn his back to him to fully compose yourself. "Seriously, Sev? This is still an issue?"

"How can it not be?" he asked, too tired to tone down his irritation but unlike you he remained in the laying position, afraid what he'd do otherwise.

"You know, when I took Arithmancy to become a Curse-Breaker, I thought about it too," you said somberly. "Not that I minded it but I knew it was an issue for you and I took it upon me to study the Grommoire of my grandfather. It was... arduous and I found myself in many dead-ends... do you want to know what I found out?" you asked tentatively, still with your back to him. 

"Hmm," you heard the agreeing tense sound and took a deep breath.

"I found out that I've spent most of my free time for half a year to solve something that seemingly has no solution just because I missed you like crazy and I felt closer to you while doing that."

"So you realised you want to know if the love potion's effective on you?"

"That's your conclusion from what I've just told you?" you asked desperately and the tone made Severus realise that was most likely not the case.

"I don't understand. How can you not be curious? What if you're just manipulated-"

"By whom, Sev?!" You turned to him, anger turning your features into a grimace. "It was used by our parents, on each other, and they didn't even know what they were doing! Who do you think wants to manipulate us and why?" You thought about Voldemort and Dumbledore for a moment but that was not the point here. "What I realised is, that it doesn't really matter to me what are the exact mechanisms of why I love you, important thing is, that I do."

"But you can be under the influence of a potion!"

"Yes, one that never seems to wear out, apparently, so what's the point of knowing? What if I really am under the influence? Would it actually make me happier to know it? Doubtful! What good would it be? I don't want you to know if I'm in love with just you because of a potion, because I don't want you to think that you can treat me however and everything will be fine! Or give you a reason to leave altogether! I also don't want to know if you're cursed to serve me because I'm even afraid I'd actually use it against you! It's a scary thought, Sev, can't you see that?"

You were breathing heavily, greatly disturbed by this and then you felt a movement behind you and not long after that, two long, firm arms hugged you from behind and pulled you to a warm chest.

"I always thought... feared... that you didn't take this matter seriously enough and that your infatuation with me is... just that, an infatuation. You never seemed to care about the curse, ignoring it, almost foolishly. I also remember how scared I was after our first kiss after we found out about this. I felt... I was afraid of what I felt and I ran away from it, blaming the curse, feeling bitter about it and so unsatisfied..."

You were almost choking on your emotions. So this was what he thought. Severus tried very hard to be as open as you about this because he knew you should know and he knew this was a very important thing to say because... he loved you. He loved you for longer than he was willing to admit but it was time to get it all out.

"I also felt like I was betraying her and when she married, I became even more bitter, feeling so self-righteous while hating her. When... we spoke about Aine, the prostitute, I didn't want to tell you but... I hurt her a few times... and it wasn't exactly an accident," he gulped down, fearing your reaction to this. Your eyes went wide and you had to gulp down on your dry throat. _This_ , this was the part of Severus you feared. Not that he loved Dark Arts or the fact that he used to kill people but this... hatred he was capable of towards people who wronged him. Even when they're people he loves.

"And the other girl?" you whispered and he shook his head. His eyes somewhat changed at the mention of the girl.

"No... she reminded me of you too much... I couldn't..." He really was lost for words at that moment and you knew it and so you smiled at him tenderly, albeit a bit sadly.

"Sev, we need to move on. From the pain, from the suffering. I know it's easy to say, hell, even I have a hard time doing it but... please, let's move on."

He was searching your eyes for a long time, something about this whole situation was strangely calming and he tried to figure out what it was. Was it simply you? 

"I feel... strangely peaceful right now," he said and to you, it was a bit out of nowhere. 

"It's because you're finally letting someone in to share your burdens. Normally when people have problems, they talk about them with someone else. Not only because the other person can give you a different perspective on the problem, but also because it simply feels good to let it all out," you said with a smile and yawned.

"I thought I would tire you down, but it looks like I'm being bested," you mumbled. 

Severus was thinking about what you said until he felt the mattress move under him and focused on you. Walking. You were walking towards the door.

"Wait," he said and you stopped.

"Come back to me for a minute."

You listened to him and came back. He sat on his bed with his legs down at the floor and he took your hand in his, tugging slightly. You leaned down and he kissed you, hungrily and desperately. It felt very odd to you after the solemn conversation and the exhausted atmosphere in the room but, of course, you wouldn't complain. It got heavier and messier with each passing second and you felt his hand on the back of your thigh, nudging you towards him. Purely on instinct, you bent your knee and let him guide your leg wherever he pleased. Severus sensed your submission to him and brought the knee to the mattress, next to his thigh. Then he did the same with your other leg until you were straddling him. 

"Sev," you whispered between the kisses as you felt his hands roam your body rather freely. Severus loved it when you said his name. You grinned.

"So this is what was laying heavily on your mind?" you asked and then neared his ear, breathing out some tantalizing warm air on the sensitive skin there. "Is this why you can't sleep at night?" you whispered, teasingly, and lightly bit into his earlobe. Severus hissed at that and quickly grabbed you and in a swift yet very elegant way he turned you and placed your back on the bed, his body grinding into yours, pushing you into the mattress with a part of his weight. You moaned at the movement and Severus felt another painful twitch in his nether regions. 

"From a squirt into a teasing little minx," he growled out and noticed how blown your pupils were. You were definitely turned on, more than that, by what he saw. That turned him on too and he latched onto your neck with an unknown wild hunger. This wasn't like the raging sex with Aine, where he felt angry and frustrated, nor was it the careful and honestly not so exciting sex with the other girl. This was you and he wanted to cherish you yet he thirsted after you. He wanted to love you slowly but ravish you wildly. Kiss your lips tenderly but lick you hungrily. 

You were in an absolute bliss until you felt Severus getting a tad too rough with your neck and you quickly stopped him. You were both panting heavily and he was watching you as if he couldn't comprehend why you were stopping him. That was exactly how he felt.

"Sev... I'd really like it if I didn't have to explain hickeys to... whoever sees them," you said breathlessly, still trying to catch your breath. Severus tried to get rid of the fog in his head which was covering his reason and common sense. 

"We should be careful, no? If... At least do them somewhere I can hide them," you said and his mind was foggy all over again, imagining all the places he would mark you as _his_. Severus found out that once his mind wasn't troubled and weary, he really couldn't resist you any longer.

"You should leave, Y/N," he said suddenly, once he put his body in check.

You were shocked by this cold shower and for a moment you felt bad for stopping him, maybe even blaming yourself but you shook that thought away quickly. No, keeping this a secret is important and you wouldn't jeopardize this relationship and you wouldn't let Severus either. He felt the same way, without a doubt, that's why he's sending you away.

"Sev-"

"You really should go," he interrupted and quickly let go of you and stood up, placing some distance between you two. You composed yourself, righted some ruffled clothing and smoothed your hair. 

"I'm going," you said and left, the words you wanted to say unspoken. You didn't mind that much, you would tell him the next day. After all, what you wanted to say was simply that you didn't want to talk at all on your next detention. You were ready to move on and Severus was beyond the point where he could pretend that he didn't desire you. Your mind was reeling. Yes, the next detention is Saturday, which is perfect and you were about to (by some standards) become a woman but what was more important, you were about to become _Severus'_ woman. On the short way from his office to the Slytherin Commons, you were buzzing with excitement and the nervousness was radiating off of you but you were grinning like an idiot.


	81. Chapter 81

"Would you like to go to the Christmas Ball with me?" 

Vistaria sighed exasperatedly. This was a sixth bloke who asked her already. Sixth! And four of them were younger, granted she was held a year back, so lots of her new friends were younger. 

"Sorry, going alone. Not interested in a date," she said, perhaps a bit harshly, but come on! Six! In two weeks!

The guy wanted to say something but she swiftly turned to leave only to run into someone.

"You're harsh, you know."

She knew that voice.

"It has nothing to do with you, Zachary," she said to the boy and was about to leave.

"How about you go with me? To repel the guys?" he asked quickly and she stopped in her tracks. Come again?

"Are you nuts?" she asked him. They were somehow civil but they never were exactly friendly and on the pitch, they were quite ruthless. Though, she did call him by his first name. He was by far the most agreeable chump out of the little 'Daniel gang', Daniel himself included. 

"Why? I need the same thing, actually."

He scoffed bitterly.

"Poor you," she mocked him. "Invite Rippley."

"Gemma's going with Todd."

"Isn't there anyone else you can bother with this?" she was losing her patience here.

"I don't want to invite a girl who could fall for me. That's a cheap shot."

Vistaria frowned.

"Is that an offence or a compliment?"

He sighed.

"Take it however you'd like."

Vistaria was looking at him, thinking.

"So, I would have the same guarantee right? No falling in love?" she asked, just to be sure and Zachary scoffed bitterly, just like earlier.

"Yeah, you can be sure of that one. There's no chance I would ever fall for you."

"Ouch," she said with a smirk and he smirked back at her.

"It's not you, it's me," he said and something about that phrase made Vistaria squint at him.

"Are you..."

Zachary was watching her and she wanted to ask badly but then she just shook her head. It wasn't any of her business, anyway.

"Okay, let's go together, although..."

"What?" 

"I said I'd go with Y/N as two singles so, would you mind chaperoning two ladies instead of one?" she asked with a smirk and Zachary rolled his eyes.

"I don't know about the 'ladies' part but I don't mind a girl on each of my arms."

"As if any bloke would," she said with a mischievous glint in her eyes which didn't go unnoticed by Zachary.

"Yeah as if," he said.

"Okay, it's a deal," Vistaria said and left. Whatever, she would finally have some peace of mind and she could focus on her next game.

\-----------------

On Saturday morning Vistaria told you about going to the Christmas Ball with Zachary and you simply nodded. You actually liked the guy, he was quite okay.

"Then we could go all together!" Kirtida exclaimed excitedly.

"Yeah, I don't think Danny-Loverboy would survive such a blow," Vistaria sneered and Kirtida threw her a nasty look while you chuckled.

"Vistaria's right, I don't think Daniel would be extra thrilled by this idea."

Kirtida sunk onto her bed with a pout but at the same time, her eyes were boring into the floor. That was a sign something worried her.

"What, are you nervous?" you asked, knowing far too well how that felt. You were planning a big move on this evening after all.

"Why?" Vistaria asked while she was tying the green tie around her neck without waiting for Kirtida's reply.

"I don't know... it feels like... an end of something," Kirtida sighed.

"This whole thing is going to end anyway, Kir, we're in the last year. We'll be hunting for jobs next year, trying to make our way through life. Having someone by your side in such a tremulous time would be an advantage," you tried to reason with her and ease her unsettled mind.

"Yeah, I'm gonna finally have a year when I don't need to look out for you two crazies and I can go full out on my Quidditch plans. Y/N will finally have her dream wedding with Snape and you need someone or something to occupy you too. I don't say it has to be Daniel necessarily, but it had to be something. Nothing lasts forever and although I'll be always thrilled to see you girls, I'd like to point out, that I'm about to be a great Quidditch star so I won't have that much time," she finished boastfully with a grin and you had to laugh. Kirtida laughed too, luckily. 

\----------------

Severus woke up a new man. With his mind eased, he collapsed on the bed quite disgracefully right after you were out of the doors on Friday night and woke up way past breakfast on Saturday morning. He cursed silently and went to the lavatory. Oh yeah, _this._ He winced at the tension in his groin as he stood up. Yeah, this needed to be taken care of immediately. 

As he let the water running he worked himself with many different images of you running through his head. He was finished almost embarrassingly quickly and he was sure he'd need to repeat the action before you came for your detention because... 

The memories of the previous night flooded his mind and he felt his soft and already spent member twitch slightly, trying to do the impossible and raise again. Severus groaned. This was no good. Or rather, it was sort of amazing, yet frustrating.

He tried to calm himself down once he was clothed and in the cold hallways of the castle, walking aimlessly through the dungeons. You were almost an adult. More than a year past the age of consent. You knew each other for a long time. None of that made it easier on his mind, however. Your father basically hated him and though Severus despised the man too, in this matter he had to give it to him. No sane person would let their daughter date and ex-Death Eater when their wife was in the critical condition thanks to them. Also, the fact that you were still his student... He could probably wait at least until you graduate, right? It was... six months... bearable, right?

Oh, who was he kidding? He couldn't possibly wait that long! The lack of self-restraint when it came to you was really infuriating. Self-control was one of the traits Severus valued and he was doing good, no, excellent in the three years you two were apart. But with you added to his life once again, it was almost like it never existed. This complete lack of restraint was driving him nuts.

There were some good parts too, of course. One being the curse no longer weighed on his mind. Nothing weighed on his mind for that matter, just the fantasies of you. He was going to hell for this, he was sure, but it didn't bother him as much as it should. If he could have you, he didn't mind much else, he concluded. 

\-----------------

You tried to distract yourself from the nervousness but your friends weren't exactly helpful. Vistaria was on the pitch, training like a madwoman because seriously, the weather was NOT ideal for whatever sports... much less flying on the broomstick. Kirtida disappeared somewhere and you had a suspicion she went to Hogsmeade with Daniel. That left you alone in your room, worrying about the evening and you hated this feeling so much, that you decided to go to your detention earlier. Especially after you saw Severus at lunch and realised you were staring at him the whole time without eating much. 

He, on the other hand, was very consciously avoiding looking at you. There would be some socially awkward consequences if he did, he was sure of that. But he could feel the intense stare on him and once he looked at Dumbledore to be sure he's not the one who's gazing at him, there was no longer by doubt about who could it be and he felt the urge to look at you, his head twitched your way a few times but he stopped the movement before he could finish the movement. 

In the middle of the lunch, he practically bolted out of his seat, which took everyone by surprise but all the student and colleagues alike knew, that he was very abrupt and quick in his movements, so nobody thought of it much. 

Except for you. You left your lunch unfinished and had to wait painfully long for the first students to start to leave so you can follow Severus without raising suspicion. In reality, it wasn't even seven minutes before the first tapping of feet on the stone floor as people started to leave but to you, it was like an eternity and as soon as you got out of the Entrance Hall where most of the students dispersed, you ran off to the dungeons.

Severus was pacing his office, trying to calm himself but his short moment was interrupted by loud banging. Severus had every mind to ignore the banging but it was so loud and unnerving he just went to the door, set on yelling at whoever was there, student or professor. Once he opened the door, he was met with a hit to his chest as you couldn't stop the banging on the door in time.

You left the hand on his chest and quickly pushed him inside with one last look around before you went in too and slammed the door closed. 

"Finally alone," you huffed out and Severus' eyes darkened even more than usual. You were too early, he wasn't composed, he wasn't... relieved, he couldn't meet you at the moment. For a brief moment, he experienced a feeling of panic, which brought some nasty bad memories from his childhood and so he quickly squashed the feeling down.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice strained his body rigid.

"Prolonging the last detention," you said innocently but since he gave you no answer you smirked and took a step towards him.

"I'm here to make you relax, my love, look how tense you are," you said with sultry voice and glint in your eyes, though you were nervous as hell. You were almost certain that you would have to persuade Severus you wanted this even when _his_ desire was clear and evident from the view of his pants you had. He was so good to you after all. Your hand was still on his chest and he took your wrist with a vice-like grip, pulling you to him and placing his other hand on the small of your back, pressing you against him.

"Very tense, as you can surely feel. So get. Out."

You really did feel how tense he was and how aroused he was... yet he was giving you a way out. But you didn't come to chicken out last minute. You placed your free hand on his face and gave him one of your tender smiles so he would know how sincere you are.

"I want to stay," you breathed out. 


	82. Chapter 82

Severus' brain was running in a loop, roughly like 'I want her so badly'-'she wants to stay'-'but it's still no good'-'I want her so badly, though'. There was seemingly no way out of it, but when you slid your hand from his face across his jaw and neck and placed it over the middle of his chest, Severus released the hand he was holding so that he could fully embrace you and kiss you breathless. He stopped himself only after he became breathless too and he put his forehead on yours.

"This..." He stopped himself before the rest of the sentence left his mouth. This _didn't_ feel wrong. But that was the problem here, wasn't it? You saw him wrecking his brain about this.

"Shh, Sev, just let it go and... please be mine?" you whispered with a tiny fear of rejection on your mind and tried to tell him with your expression that you really wanted this. Severus was stunned into silence. He knew he wanted you badly to be his. _Only_ his, his mind supplied with a hint of jealousy towards whoever would want to get closer to you. The thing was, that until now, he never thought he'd become yours in return. It was a logical and reasonable demand on your side but it somehow caught him off guard anyway.

"I'm just surprised by this, it's sudden," he said nervously, though he fancied himself with the idea that you didn't notice. You did.

"Sudden?" you said with a raised eyebrow and that side smirk which implied how amused you are. "Have you been here with me for the past week? Whenever we weren't in the deepest dragon turd of emotions, we were at each other."

Severus couldn't deny that. The co-joined masturbation, in particular, was on his mind a lot. Like, _a lot_.

"As a matter of fact I've played a role in all of this, so you don't need to remind me," he tried to be snarky and hide his lack of an answer.

"Don't I?" you scoffed playfully. "Well, in that case, I don't understand why is your mouth still talking instead of... other, far more pleasant things it could do."

Severus frowned. He was so very weak against this sassy, flirty part of yours. It made him wonder where all this attitude came from. Was it him? Did he bring this up from you? He grabbed you by the jaw with one hand, placing the other on the back of your neck. The grip he had on you was a step before uncomfortable which made this both exciting and slightly intimidating to you. 

"Maybe we should find a way for your clever mouth to get occupied," he said suggestively and eased the grip on your jaw to run his thumb over your lips. You parted them with a sigh and Severus could feel the hot perspiration of your breath on it and it made him want to... he opened your mouth with the thumb, pressing past your lips and into your wet mouth. He almost shivered when he imagined another part of his body there.

"Suck," he commanded sternly but you could tell by his quivering exhale that he was stiff because he held himself back. You gave him a cheeky grin, lightly biting his thumb before you wrapped your lips around the finger and sucked. Your head moved slowly from the base of his thumb to the top where you let it slip out with a 'pop'. The sound was so loud in the quiet room and so damn hot that Severus held the last pieces of sanity at the moment. 

"Y/N," he growled almost like an animal and with one look at him you could tell that was how he felt. Like a caged animal. "Last chance to leave," he said, and the intensity in, not only his eyes, but the whole body-posture made you think about leaving for the slightest moment. But you made your decision and couldn't back down.

"Don't need that," you answered and this time it was you who latched upon his mouth thirstily. His reaction was immediate and very much uncontrolled. He grabbed you beneath your buttocks and lifted you up. Without even waiting for you to lock your leg around his waist he moved with you towards his massive wooden table. Your heart might have fluttered a bit by the display of his physical strength, he was no bodybuilder but apparently, there were some muscles under all those black layers of clothing. You couldn't wait to see it.

Severus laid you down and hungrily dove into that space between your shoulder and neck where your skin tingled from his touch, placing hot kisses there, accompanied by licks and sucks.

"Sev... the-" 

"I don't care."

He really didn't. Let them see who you belong to. He _wanted_ them to see, all of them, students and professors, he wanted to claim you as his, ravish your mouth in front of everyone so no-one would dare as much as look at you the wrong way. Or any other way.

His nimble fingers started to work on your school tie. It didn't cross his mind until then but it was rather strange to see you in it on Saturday. Truth was, that you were so nervous in the morning, you automatically dressed into the uniform and later in the day you were simply too worried about the upcomin detention to care to change. But he didn't know that.

"Do you like to be a teacher's pet so much that you came to seduce me in your school uniform?" he asked as he placed the untied green tie next to you and hastily yanked you into the sitting position, grabbing the hem of the grey sweater, taking it off of you in a second. You smirked at him.

"Do _you_ like me in the school uniform?" you teased. Teasing was the only way to ease the nervousness.

"I'll like you much better without it," he said without even trying to sound dirty, it was simply a truth. Truth that made him cringe right after he said it but truth none-the-less.

"Now, who's cheesy," you said as you tried to distract yourself from Sev's dexterous fingers opening the white shirt, but you no longer had the strength for the teasing. This was going too fast and too... The table in his office? Really? You had many fantasies about that but you'd probably prefer a good old bed for the first experience. You can explore the possibilities of other places and spaces later on in your relationship.

Severus was getting impatient more and more as if every piece of clothing was just another obstacle he had to get rid off quickly. He was intoxicated by the smell and taste of your skin, he traced every newly uncovered part with his eyes and then his tongue or lips or hands. The visionary experience wasn't even half of it, the best came with the other senses. Your skin felt so soft under his hands and he could feel his fingers sink into your supple body ever-so-slightly, feeling the softness on the young taut body. The light smell of your skin was familiar to him but more intense than ever. The breathy moaning sounds you were making were driving him mad.

After he stripped your upper body to just your bra, he quickly went down, but instead of taking off the skirt or loafers and the knee socks, he placed his palms on your knees and went up, parting your legs slightly as he did so. When he reach his desired destination, he teased one finger on the fabric, feeling how wet it was and he made a satisfied sound at that.

"Always so wet for me," he said, remembering how well you responded to his dirty comments the last time.

You didn't disappoint, the shiver and silent gasp were just to his liking. He was just about to yank the annoying small piece of garment off of you but once he hooked his fingers behind the hem, you moved into the sitting position quickly, making him unable to get it off.

"What?" he groaned and you could feel the frustration radiating from him. "You missed your chance to leave," he said dangerously.

He was really impatient with this and so lost in desire he no longer thought about anything else.

You, one the other hand, were a bit lost. What were you supposed to do here? The best way would probably be to be open about it as much as possible and so you took a deep steadying breath.

"Sev, I want you, but-"

"I don't like buts," he said, clearly irritated and you smiled a bit. He sounded like a petulant child.

"No one does, trust me, _but_ this is all too new to me and... do you think... you could take it a bit slowly? You're making me even more nervous than I was before I came here," you said dorkily and accompanied it by a nervous laugh.

Severus felt like your word poured a bucket of ice-cold water on him.

"Merlin, I'm screwing it," he muttered and distanced himself from you. 

"I hope you are," you said cheekily while moving your hand over your body. "I'm sort of proud of this," you tried to ease the situation with a bit of joking.

Severus gave you a once-over and smirked lightly.

"You definitely can be."

The praise eased your tensed muscles, which made Severus aware they were that way the whole time. He sighed with a new resolve to control himself. After all, hurting you was absolutely unacceptable in his mind.

"Come down," he said softly and held his had out to help you. How galant, you thought with a smile and took his hand though you'd do fine without it.

"Thank you."

Instead of answering, Severus just led you to the mirror, and then through the uncovered door to his chambers. Once you were standing in front of his bed he cupped your face and kissed you tenderly.

"I'm sorry... you're really... I'm losing my control."

Your heart skipped a beat at his admission and you bit the inside of your cheek lightly to keep yourself from going completely red in the face.

You took a small step towards him and raised your hands to his collar. You looked him deep into his eyes and opened one of his many, _many,_ buttons.

"I'm just a bit... nervous, you know," you said and opened two other buttons. 

Severus nodded and trained his eyes on you - half naked in front of him, loosening the buttons on his robe, so sweet, so sexy, so...you. He didn't dare to touch you though, fearing his body's reaction. So he just watched.

You managed to go through all those damn buttons and taking off the upper layer. You studied his body, touching it sensually as you slipped off the dark robe. Then you looked him in the eyes.

"What next?" you asked in a whisper and Severus shuddered. How you were so innocent yet cheeky and sassy, he would never understand but he found the combination rather dizzying. So daring yet so shy.

"Keep on... I'll stop you."

You went on with his clothes, carefully and lasciviously taking them off while touching him. Severus felt like he was being tortured but he could probably stand this kind of torture for an eternity if it meant having you near. He focused all his willpower into staying as still as possible, only aiding you when absolutely necessary.

He was now standing in front of you only in his undergarments and he put his hands on your wrists.

"Now I think is time for me to enjoy slowly peeling off the layers," he said more deeply than usual, his voice a bit rough. It travelled through your body, leaving goosebumps behind.

Severus took tiny step towards you to be even closer and then he kneeled down. He took one of your knee-socks and rolled it down very slowly, his nails lightly scratching your calf and watched your breathing hitch in your lungs a few times as he did so. You were very sensitive and receptive to his touch which made him somehow proud though he always hated that feeling. 

You placed your hands on his shoulders and raised the leg slightly so he could take off the sock and shoe. He was very efficient and repeated the same action on the other leg too. Only then did you realize that you didn't take off Severus' shoes but one look down told you he probably took care of them himself, most likely with magic. Cheat, you thought and smiled.

"What's funny?" he asked curiously as he raised to his full hight again.

"Your boots."

A small, almost invisible smile appeared on his face. He was caught.

"I see...what shall I say..."

You thought about it.

"Say something good," you said it in such a sultry voice there could be no misinterpretation of your meaning behind those words. Sev raised a brow.

"You like that... Do you enjoy it when I'm speaking of my desires? Of your luscious curves in my dreams and your moans on my mind. How I'd like to roll that small skirt of yours up and spank you sometimes. And how on other times I'd like to kiss every inch of your skin..."

"Sev," you moaned, squirming in place. You were really getting horny, all your nerves be damned. 

Severus loved the sound of his name on your lips. And this time it was especially effective. He took off your skirt, finally having you in your underwear.

"Beautiful," he whispered as he took the whole image of you, standing beside his bed, with only few places covered and darkened eyes with desire. Though you loved Severus' dirty talk, this was probably even better. So unguarded and true. And for his standards so emotional. Whatever fears and nervousness you felt until then were dissolved into nothingness.

"Sev, make me yours," you said, similar to your first plea and this one rang in tone with Severus' wants.

He got quickly rid off the rest of your and his clothes, sweeping you off your feet bride-style. You both let out a gasp when so much your naked skin touched the other one's. The feeling was so good, Severus was standing for a moment, just enjoying it and also trying to gain some immunity to the immense influence your body had on his before he placed you down on the bed.

The black sheets were cold and soft to touch and you relished in the feeling before you locked your eyes with Severus, who went back to standing. Then his eyes roamed freely over your displayed nakedness. You felt your own desire commanding your to follow his example and your eyes trailed from his face to his neck, his collarbones and then to his fairly toned chest. The pale skin was covered in a few moles from now and then but it somehow even enhanced his ethereal beauty. Though his arms weren't exactly thick, they were toned too, the muscles beneath the skin on full display for you to admire. You moved to his flat stomach with a hint of a six-pack and the small trail of hair leading from his belly button below, down to his very virile manhood.

Meanwhile Severus couldn't take his eyes off of you and your lovely body, berating his poor imagination for not making you justice. He slowly crawled into the bed and over you, claiming your lips first but then he took his body off of you, loving the soft whimper that escaped your lips. 

You watched him most curiously as his mouth placed kisses down your neck, the valley between your breasts to your navel and down. 

"Sev-" You couldn't finish over the gasp once his tongue swiped over your slick lower lips.

Severus wasn't very keen on trying this particular thing before, though Aine tried to persuade him once. He never felt like tasting the woman but you...oh, he dreamed of this. He only deemed it fair to try make this his first experience too in a way.

"Y/N," he said hoarsely and you looked at him. "You have to guide me through this so I can pleasure you the best I can."

You felt dizzy. Did he really just ask you to talk through all these new experiences? And about your preferences too? You nodded at him anyway.

"It's my first time trying this too so be very clear about what doesn't feel good," he said and his voice was so deep and so delicious and he looked so aroused but you focused on the fact that he was sharing his first experience of this with you.

"Okay," you said and he licked you again, this time very slowly and you sighed with satisfaction. Severus took that as a good sign and continued for a while but then he changed his tactic, changing the focus to the little nub of nerves. The jerk of your hips and the moan were a clear sign too. He also learned to keep you in place with his hands for the future safety of his teeth.

The tip of his tongue titillated the sensitive spot, going faster and faster and your moans were getting louder and louder. He replaced his tongue with a finger, returning his mouth to your entrance and tasting more of that sweet juice coming from you. Your responses were telling him everything though you didn't say a word yet.

Then, upon a moment of inspiration, he darted his tongue out and into you. The shiver he felt from your body combined with sweet warmth he tasted and the sexy noises he listed to, made him groan.

"Sev!" you cried out with ecstasy, your back arching slightly.

You were feeling the sensations of his work gradually and you knew you were very near but this groaning sound reverberated inside of you and it was so unexpected that it brought you over the edge.

Severus was very satisfied with his work. You were absolutely stunning when brought to the peak, pleasure radiating from your whole body. He was watching most intently, burning the image into his brain. He also felt like he couldn't withhold this anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to say that I really feel like a perv 🤣🤣  
> But I regret nothing!!! 🤭🤭🥴❤️
> 
> And this is so long! I had no idea I would have to split this into two parts but...I got really into it!


	83. Chapter 83

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to say that I have no idea how these things work in Wizarding World but let me explain myself. Now, my general idea is that while at Hogwarts students have no means of engaging in sexual activities and once they graduate they all tend to get married quite quickly so... I genuinely think they don't use contraception... ever... I don't think they have such a thing there... which is why I won't be using it in the story either WHICH DOESN'T MEAN I SUPPORT UNPROTECTED TEENAGE SEX!
> 
> Also... I'm visiting my parents for a weekend and we somehow ended up watching The Prisoner of Azkaban yesterday and OH MY GOD I JUST LIVE FOR SEVERUS SAYING 'TURN TO PAGE 394'!!! I went on YouTube afterwards to watch the clip of him saying that over and over again 🤤🤤🤣🤣 also... the way my baby protected the golden trio form werewolf Lupin... MY HEART!!! 💖💖😍😍💘💘

You were still on a cloud nine when you felt Severus kissing his way up, leaving wet trails of his saliva and your own juices. When he came to your neck he trailed up towards one of your ears.

"I love how vocal you are, your guidance was very clear even without words," he whispered with such a seductive voice you wondered why he used it only now when you were already taken care of and you whined in response.

"Yesss," he hissed, "exactly like that." 

He placed his hand down to your slit and teased it with one finger before pushing in. You softly gasped when he entered and pumped four times before adding a second digit. 

"Sev," you whined, feeling the stretch a bit already. Not that it still wasn't a pleasurable experience and it only increased as you got used to it.

Severus was trying his best to make this as comfortable for you as possible which took, in his opinion, an inhumane effort on his part because he really wanted to be inside of you so badly!

"Y/N," he said and you opened your eyes. You had no idea when you even closed them.

Severus was looking at you and you could feel his intention, his desire, his love. You moved your hands, which were firmly gripping the sheets until then, and moved them to his shoulders and then to his neck and into his amazing black hair. It felt thick and soft. 

Just as you thought that Severus took one of your hands and guided it down towards something else thick and soft. He placed your hand around the base of his member, a low growl coming out of him as he did that and then he guided it towards you. He stopped and let go of your hand raising a brow at you, expecting something, waiting for something.

Your mouth formed an 'O' shape as the realisation hit you. You were in charge.

Severus had no previous experience with virgins so he hoped he did the right thing. Maybe it only made you more nervous but it felt like a good thing to let you know that you're in power.

He felt a bit of shuffling as you tried to position him into the best for easy entering and he groaned as the slickness covered the head of his member.

"Merlin, girl, you're going to make this finish before we started," he groaned with no malice or irritation, simply desperation and truth. You smiled wickedly at him but all the bravado dissipated once you tried to push him in and winced.

Severus' mind told him to go real slow, based on the discomfort on your face but the instinctive reaction, once he felt his tip dip into the slick warmth, was to thrust forward. As instincts are faster than reason he plunged himself into you.

You cried out with pain and shock, your both hands now on his back, fingernails digging in his pale flesh, eyes wide with tears brimming on the edge.

"Fuck!" Severus growled out the expletive, though he could count on the fingers of one hand how many times he used this particular one. It was saved for some really deserving situations. Situations like this one.

He felt dread and pleasure and fear and pleasure and guilt and _so much pleasure_ , and damn you were adorable with those teary eyes and a flushed face.

He was still, trying very hard not to move inside of you to give you some time to adjust to his rather rough and abrupt intrusion.

"I didn't... expect that," you said between the heavy breaths with which you tried to get your body under control.

"I know. It wasn't my intention to..." He sighed, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on yours.

"Just try to relax, love," he whispered softly and somewhat apologetically. Luckily for both of you, that sentence could basically melt your bones and it helped you relax very quickly. You breathed in the smell which was distinctively Severus and calmed down.

"Go on," you whispered and he raised his head to look at you. He was searching in your eyes for a moment if it was really okay because a small part of him feared you would make him slide out of you and you'd just leave. That part was smashed inside of him and he carefully and very slowly started to move.

You weren't exactly comfortable but as Severus moved in and out slowly and you were breathing deeply, it got better and better.

Severus was secretly glad that it started this slow because he was having some serious troubles containing himself but soon he noticed that you were both ready for more and so he increased the tempo.

"So warm and tight," he gritted out and your walls fluttered around him, making it even snugger and stimulating and he groaned.

"Sev," you said and he was barely holding on and so he rolled you over so you were on the top. He was entertained by your surprised expression and used the blissful moment without any movement to gain at least some of the restraint back.

"What?" you asked.

"Just move, Y/N, try it," he said with a smirk before adding with a voice thick with desire: "Chase your own pleasure, use me."

There was another light throb he felt around him and you started to move. It was a bit awkward at first but you soon found your own rhythm and after a few minor adjustments, the right angle.

Severus watched you with wonder and his eyes fell to your stunning, moving chest he neglected badly until then. That could be changed, he thought and moved both his hands from your hips up to your slightly ticklish waist and sides which made you shiver and then to your breasts, groping them lightly, eliciting a soft moan or two.

He noticed you were speeding up a bit and took your nipples in-between his nimble fingers, squeezing and pinching and flicking them to his liking and your apparent pleasure. 

You were enjoying Severus' rough teasing of your nipples rather too much. Whenever you used to imagine your first time it was sweet and romantic. This was far from it but it was almost as satisfactory. Maybe, even more, it was real. Perhaps Sev really knew better after all. It was thanks to that particular thought the next words to leave your mouth were these.

"Claim me, Sev."

When he heard that, it made his blood boil and he quickly rolled you over again with a grunt and he started to plunge into you like a madman, not caring one bit about your loud cries, granted the cries were both of pleasure and pain.

"Sev! Ah!"

He was really driving into you full force and he knew this would be very short so he placed a finger on your clit, rubbing like crazy there too, which intensified your cries.

The overstimulation was making you actually cry. Everything was too much and before you knew it you were screaming.

"SEVERUS!"

Your walls gripped him like a vice and he spilt himself into you with a loud, satisfied groan, feeling utterly blissful and so very content. His ego was also very satisfied that he brought you to two orgasms. 

"You are a wonder," he whispered softly while caressing your face and breathing loudly. You barely registered over the white buzzing in your head and complete euphoria but you grinned happily through the panting.

Severus slipped out and collapsed next to you.

"That... This..." You were unable to sort out your thoughts.

"Wow," you eventually said and Severus smiled genuinely but left it without comment and you looked at him just in time to see the smile leave his handsome face. 

"I like it when you smile like that," you said and he looked at you with something you'd describe as a shy smile... now that was a first.

"Really? I don't think I'm too used to it and... I always feel weird, like my face muscles are being tugged in strange directions, making my face even more..." Severus was hesitating to say the next words. He never, not even once in his life, considered himself handsome but he didn't want to voice his insecurities in front of you. For reasons, he would never comprehend you were clearly attracted to him and he wouldn't compromise that by pointing out his own faults to you. He wasn't that stupid and he was sure you'd deny any of that to his face anyway. He wasn't that petty to want to hear that either.

However, you felt the unfinished sentence would end up with something insecure and so you smiled at him.

"Do you like to see me smile?" you asked, genuinely curious, but also laying your smart trap carefully.

"Very much," he said simply, though that didn't even begin to cover it. 

"Why?" you asked sweetly and Severus wanted to retort in a way that would ruin the serene moment for sure, but he gulped down the biting answer.

"It makes me feel good." Once again, he tries to keep the answer simple, yet true.

"I like your smile because it makes me feel good too. I like it when the person I love is happy, that's only natural. I also like how young it makes you look, carefree, like you finally don't bear the whole world on your shoulders. I also... often fancy myself to be the reason for your soft smiles or happy laughs and that makes me even happier."

Severus was watching in awe how explicitly you described what was pretty much his feelings too. How dauntless you were in face of your feelings. 

"Yeah," he only said and you felt in his soft admittance that he agreed with what you said. You shifted and felt the tenderness and soft ache between your thighs but it made you feel very good. You rolled partly onto Severus, placing your head on his chest, snaking your arm over his torso and you decided to trace his shin with the soft upper part of your foot up and down. Severus was wary of your movements since they were so foreign for him. He never... stayed after he was done. This felt very intimate to him, far more than the sexual act itself, and he felt his chest constrict as you turned your face to the skin on his chest and placed a very timid and delicate kiss there.

You snugged closely to him and felt content. When he moved his arm around you to hold you firmly and his other hand moved towards your head to brush your hair affectionately, you were practically floating on the high of his close presence and the love he showed you. 

Severus felt your body warming his, your supple breasts pressed to his side, your thigh over his, your breathing slowing down into a regular rhythm. You were sleeping he realised as he gently ran his fingers through your hair. Could he fall asleep like this? He'd like to try.

To his surprise, he was out in five minutes. The last thing on his mind was how he could die a happy man like this with you embracing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a bit short but it was actually too long and I had to split it up somewhere and us falling asleep felt like an appropriate place 😁


	84. Chapter 84

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably place a bit of a WARNING here for... I don't know... Harsh sex? Punishment sex? It's not THAT bad based on some other things I read here on AO3. I'd say all my warning are for pretty mild things but you know... just to be sure 😉

When you woke up, you felt the urge to stretch your body but when you tried to move, you were constricted by two strong arms. You looked down and, indeed, two pale arms were around your waist and you could feel the warm body behind you stir. He was _sooo_ spooning you, you thought with a wicked, mischievous smile but you chased the thought of teasing him about it away. Teasing him about the display of affection could very well end up in him never doing it again, which wasn't worth it.

"You okay?" you heard from behind you and you felt an immediate and quite embarrassing pool of desire, undoubtedly accompanied by some of Severus' previous spill, surging out of you. Severus' after-sleep voice was _the_ sexiest thing ever, you decided.

"More than that, although you do certain things to me, sir, that would require your immediate attention," you said suggestively and turned in his arms to look at him. His tousled hair made him look sexy too and his slightly slanted sleepy eyes only supported the whole sexy 'morning look', though it wasn't morning. No, it was actually almost a dinner time. You seemed to sleep through the whole afternoon.

Severus raised one eyebrow at your words and slowly sneaked a hand down your body and between your legs, finding the wetness on your tighs leading him up to your warm core. He groaned. You were so ready for him again but he had stopped any further investigation of _how much_ you actually wanted him.

"Are you okay physically?" he asked, the desire in his tone well delivering the motive behind that question. Instead of answering, you also sneaked your hand down, finding him fully erect there. He sucked in a breath sharply and you moaned. You wanted him again so badly but you did feel sore. How were you so horny so soon?

"I'm a bit sore... you think you could _really_ slow down this time?" you asked with a bit of teasing. He smirked at you.

"Unlikely," he said truthfully but also as a challenge for you. You raised one brow in a mocking gesture.

"I don't think you want to play this particular game with me, sir, you'd lose," you said in a sultry voice. You were confident that he would succumb to his desire before you would.

"Awfully sure of yourself, aren't you Ms Y/L/N?" he replied in the same manner. You leaned to him, your lips only a breath away from his, your hand still around his manhood and you moved it to drag it along his shaft slowly up and over the head and then down to the base. He groaned loudly and you smirked.

"That I am, professor," you whispered against his lips before placing a quick kiss there and bolting out of the bed with a teasing smile when you looked back at his stunned expression as you made your way to the lavatory. Once you closed the door behind you, you went straight for the shower.

Severus groaned in frustration, he was really losing this little game. 

"Little minx," he exhaled and got up himself but once he heard the water running, he stopped and looked at the door to the lavatory. He wanted to join you there. If he could swallow down that he would succumb to your teasing and let you win, he could have your naked _and_ wet body all to himself. Was there even anything to think about? He magically opened the door to do it as quietly as possible since he felt a strong need to sneak up on you. He felt like a hunter going after his prey and he rolled his eyes at the foolish analogy in his head.

He entered and closed the door quietly too, very excited to enter the shower. Just as he was about to do it he heard a moan from inside. You were not, he thought with a satisfied smirk as he opened the curtain and saw your flushed face and hand between your thighs.

"Looks like I win, this is cheating," he said, utterly satisfied with the shock on your face.

"Sev?!" you exclaimed. "What-"

"I came in to surrender to your terms but looks like I happened upon an easy victory."

He came to you quickly and slapped your hand away from your intimate parts, just to put his own there and hear you suck in your breath sharply. He attacked your neck, very pleased with the soft purple markings from before. It wouldn't be a bad thing to add some more, he decided, sucking hard on your sensitive skin.

"Ah! Sev," you moaned and went weak in your knees but Severus noticed and caught your wobbling body in a one-arm embrace. You were pushed to his chest and you were so ready to give him anything and everything. He parted from your neck and looked at you. Judged by the look in his face there was no doubt he'd take everything and anything he wanted. 

"I have every mind to punish you. After all, cheating isn't a way to go, is it Ms Y/L/N?" he purred into your ear and you shivered even though the water running down on your bodies was warm.

"No, professor," you answered, thoroughly enjoying the... could you even call it a role play since those were your actual roles in society? "I deserve the punishment," you moaned out as he finished the stroke of your slit with a light brush against your clit. 

Severus knew you liked his dirty talk but he couldn't deny that he enjoyed your participation in it as well. He made the water stop to hear your soft moans as his fingers were playing with you. When your moans got louder and you started to squirm in his embrace he yanked the hand away from you only to hear your whine which he muffled with a deep kiss, his tongue lounging into your mouth exploringly. 

"Sev," you pleaded with him once he let you go.

"Professor, Ms Y/L/N, you are to address me respectfully and no pleas of yours should do you any good. Your cheating has to be punished, as you yourself acquiesced in, so you'd remember to never cheat again," he said in his harsh professor tone and you could tell he wasn't referring to just that kind of cheating. It was a warning too. He could be so jealous and you loved how possessive he was of you but you wanted your release!

"Sir, please."

Severus was having none of that, he was ready to sheath himself in you again and so he turned you towards the stone wall and pressed you to it, nudging your legs apart. You felt your nipples harden against the rough and cold surface and there was a surge of excitement as your legs were apart and Severus took your hips and pulled them towards him, making you arch your back.

Without saying anything or warning you in any other way, he penetrated you with a loud grunt and you yelled out with shock. You almost expected him to take the same frenzy speed as before but he pulled back almost lazily, only to plunge back hard.

"Ah! Sev," you cried out but he paid no mind to it and repeated the exact same movements again and again _and again_ for long minutes. The hard pumps were very stimulating but the long pauses between them made you come down from the high and that went on and on until you were trembling from exhaustion. He was really punishing you, that was for sure.

Severus was also reaching his limits, exhaustion creeping onto him and his muscles aching slightly from the workout.

"I really thought I could do this forever but it seems I'm only human too," he said, panting heavily and you moaned. He was about to finish this. Indeed, he picked up the pace and you were feeling the long-awaited build up rocketing so quickly. In truth, it took you hardly a minute and you were completely taken aback by the mind-blowing orgasm that hit you. 

Your cry of pleasure filled Severus' ears, your walls spasming with violent force around him, making it almost too painful for him but he reached the peak right after you. He exclaimed your name loudly with many other throaty sounds and he shook so violently he had to place his hands from your hips to the wall so he could shift a part of his weight on them.

Once his hands left you your shaky legs gave up and you slid down along the stone wall to the ground, panting and aching but at the same time your body was high on oxytocin and a bit of adrenalin which made you feel so good you couldn't even register the soreness for a while.

Severus however registered your fall immediately and apart from also feeling absolutely blissful, his body was flooded by a _huge_ wave of adrenaline from worrying about you. He was afraid he went too far with you. Only thanks to that worry he was able to persuade his aching muscles to bend down to you, pick you up and carry you back to the bedroom.

Your eyes fluttered open and you smiled softly, though your whole body was on fire.

"I'll definitely remember this last detention and to never want a punishment from you ever again," you teased with a tired smile as you two entered the bedroom but Severus frowned. He really overdid it. Your body was completely limp in his arms.

He laid you down on the bed carefully, placing a very timid and fearful kiss on your forehead. He had to learn how to control those violent urges he sometimes felt. The tremendous desire for you combined with his not so amiable nature made him do this, made you look like this and that was terrifying.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, softly brushing the hair out of your face. 

"I know... Don't be... I mean, not that I'd like to repeat this anytime soon and I think you just won yourself a week without any sort of action with how sore I feel but crossing the finishing line was... definitely mind-blowing. I guess I understand now why Muggles say they 'found their religion' in bed because this was a very otherworldly experience," you said and laughed, though your voice was hoarse from the screaming and you were very tired.

Severus felt mixed emotions about all this and he started to lose himself in them.

"You should probably go to sleep," he said but you shook your head.

"No will do. We slept through the afternoon and as much as my body's useless, I'm famished."

Sure you were hungry, the number of burnt calories was huge. Severus could eat something too. He sighed heavily.

"I'll take a quick shower, you take some rest meanwhile and we'll go to dinner." 

"Hmm, but I'll need a shower too. You made a mess right after I cleaned myself," you complained poutily and Severus smiled so tenderly, that whatever hefty scolding you had prepared, it vanished from your memory. 

"Well then, I think we're both past doing anything other than showering so we should go in together," he said and you were so surprised, Severus laughed. His laugh was still a scarce thing, so it shocked you even more. 

Severus made a mental note to surprise you more often to see the incredulous expression on your face.

"I simply don't wish to clean the mess after you slip on the wet floor there and crack your head open. You're in no condition to be let into the shower alone," he said with that arrogant undertone which made you realise he was teasing you.

"Ha ha ha, Sev, very funny," you said sarcastically but Severus' previously amused expression fell, and he became more sombre.

"Not really, I don't wish for you to get injured..." There was an _'any further'_ hanging in the air after that sentence and you knew he really regretted how he lost his cool before.

He helped you to your feet carefully, which you needed as it turned out and led you to the shower where he carefully cleaned you, being so tender and gentle while doing so, that you were starting to get worried. You really hoped he wouldn't end up drowning in guilt over this.

"Sev?" you said carefully and could see his worried eyes landing on your face, searching for any signs of discomfort, which made you sigh.

"What? What's wrong?" he asked hastily and his shoulders were so tense you felt the urge to place your hands there softly, massaging him.

"You're too tense, that's wrong."

Severus watched you with a blank face while you worked your fingers into his skin and flesh. 

"You're too good for me," he whispered and you could see the pain in his eyes. He really believed it to be true. 

"Nonsense, think about it as I do."

There was a question in his eyes waiting to be answered by you. Your eyes fell on his bare chest and you placed a hand over it, roughly in the place where his heart would be and looked back at his face.

"You suffered your whole life by outside circumstance and I'm here to compensate for it," you said cheekily with a huge grin gracing your face. Severus could feel his heart-beat speeding up, which meant you had to know about it too. He never felt this cherished in his whole life and he felt something he didn't ever feel in his life - happy tears brimming in his eyes. He took you in his arms and buried his face in your hair, just being, breathing in and out. That was fine by you, really. All he needed to do was to breathe and be with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I got really sentimental at the end 😭 I have honestly no idea where that came from... it's probably because I was listening to Coldplay while writing that last bit 😅
> 
> BTW I just found this:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DZWx1Mkdr0  
> and it's the best thing ever!!! If you haven't got enough of Alan Rickman's voice this is exactly what you need!!! 😍😍😍😍🥴🥴🥴


	85. Chapter 85

Once you got out of the shower and started to change, you thought of something.

"How are we going to meet now that the detention's over? Shall I do something nasty again to deserve some more of it?" you asked with a smirk but Severus frowned at you.

"No, it would be wiser to not do that. The whole point of getting detention was to make it less suspicious. If you're getting into trouble after each week we've spent together it definitely wouldn't help."

You were just about to look in the mirror if you look acceptable for dinner but you stopped and frowned at that.

"Okay... so how-"

"I think it would be best to... maintain a bit of distance... at least for a while," he said watching you the whole time you were putting on the clothes, painfully slowly, trying to hide a few winces from him. He was, of course, clothed with a flick of a wand. "Are you okay?" he asked.

That was a bloody brilliant question!

"Not really, I feel a bit irritated. You sure we're keeping a distance because we have to and not because you're actually trying to keep your distance?" you asked him, crossing your arms on your chest.

"Like you pointed out so willingly before, you won't be able to take another round for quite some time and I don't wish to test my restraint as it proved to be close to nonexistent where you're involved."

You had to smile at that because you could see the horror on his face once he realised he actually said something like that but at the same time you were a bit angry too.

"Sev-"

"Don't argue with me on this, Y/N!" he said abruptly with raised volume. Then he sighed, trying to calm himself. "Please," he added in a whisper. Severus really needed to take a step back because he was losing his cool and this would eventually become more and more dangerous and prone to get found out. 

You came to Severus and placed the green and silver tie in his hand. 

"Could you?" you asked in a whisper, almost shyly, but you wanted to make sure that he's not afraid to touch you. Severus visibly gulped, the distress in his eyes making it clear how uncomfortable he felt about it.

"I-" 

"Don't argue me on this, Sev," you said with a soft smile and he frowned at you. Severus came a bit closer to you and placed the tie around you very carefully, working on a tie-knot. Once he was done you put your hand over his before he could retreat it. 

"Sev..."

"We should go before the dinner's over," he said and went towards the door out. 

\------------------

You split right outside Severus' office, each taking a different route to the Great Hall so you had plenty of time to think about all that happened. You were grinning mostly, you finally did it, you were his. _Twice in a span of six hours,_ your mind supplied. That wasn't half bad. Though, you felt like you walked a bit funny, each step followed by muscle pain in your thighs and soreness between them. Also, for the small amount of attention he gave them, your nipples were also very sensitive under your clothes. The courtesy of the stone wall, no doubt. None of that could chip away from your happiness. The slight worry about Severus' behaviour did. After he tied your tie, he barely touched you, no goodbye kiss, nothing. Merlin pants, he barely even looked at you! But you tried not to panic too much, you didn't want to ruin the post-coital bliss you still felt. He just needed some time and space.

When you arrived at the Great Hall and spotted Kirtida and Vistaria, you immediately directed your steps towards them.

"Look at that, and we thought you and Snape were on a secret rendezvous," Vistaria teased with a smile.

"It's detention," you growled out when you notice a girl sitting next to Vis giving you a disgusted look. You sat down and winced a bit from the discomfort.

"What is it?" Vis asked. She was way too perceptive sometimes. Usually, it would be Kirtida asking loads of questions but when you looked at her, you could tell she barely even registered your arrival.

"Nothing, what's up with her?" you asked, you eyes still on Kirtida and then you looked at Vistaria with raised brows. Vistaria just rolled her eyes but you noticed the small affectionate smile.

"Take a guess. Little miss sunshine was on a date at Hogsmeade and I couldn't get a single sentence out of her since then. She's in her own world, though the lack of any emotion on her face is a tad unnerving."

"Yeah," you agreed. You could understand being in your own little world after the first date but shouldn't you look utterly happy? Or completely irritated and sulky if it went wrong? What was this empty expression on her face?

You were very tempted to look at Severus, already missing his face, but he was right about keeping this a little more undetectable. You dug into the food, once more reminded by your stomach how hungry you were after all the... exercise. 

"I think I'm really falling in love," came from your right and you looked at Kirtida with surprise.

"Come again?" you asked. She came out of her trans-like state, her wide eyes dancing between you and Vistaria.

"I really think I'm falling for Daniel." There was a fear or distress in her voice. 

"Is that a scary thing?" Vistaria asked, obviously catching the smell of the fear too. 

"How can you even ask that? Of course, it is!" Kirtida was whining, making the distress and desperation even more clear on her. You exchanged a look with Vistaria.

"It can also be pretty awesome, though," you tried to pacify her worries. 

"What exactly happened on that date today?" Vistaria asked and Kirtida squirmed on her seat. She was uncomfortable but she knew that you and Vis only tried to help her get through this and she'd honestly like to hear your opinions. As it seemed she could give awesome advice to others about their love-life but she was completely useless when it came to her own.

"It wasn't... there was nothing too significant, you know. Not like he kissed me or anything. Just... it was very nice. He was really attentive, a proper gentleman, you know." She blushed. "We were going through the village, not even holding hands, just talking. He bought me a drink at Three Brooms, he was..."

She was lost for words.

"Perfect?" you supplied with a smile.

"Yes!" she whined again and you laughed. 

"You know that's a good thing, right? No need to act like it's a tragedy.

Kirtida frowned at that. It was a tragedy. She felt even worse than before about trying to push Daniel together with Vistaria and she couldn't help the budding jealousy towards you for a hundred chocolate frogs! Was she mental?! The problem was she was mainly mad about that at herself too because she should have stopped you before you even got together with Dan. She sighed.

"I guess I really need to figure some things out," she said.

"Yeah, you may do that, but also, like, don't overthink it, girl," Vistaria said. "Just enjoy it."

\-----------------

Severus was sitting at the table, trying his damn best to not look your way but he just had to make sure you were okay. He was becoming really overprotective and paranoid. He glanced at the Slytherin table, his eyes searching the further end where the oldest students were usually seated and found you smiling gently at one of your friends. He felt his own mouth twitch at the sight but quickly schooled his features into the neutral mask he wore like armour every day and looked away from you. 

"Severus, if you don't mind, would you accompany me to my office after dinner?" he could hear Dumbledore and Severus turned his head so sharply, he could feel the muscles protest against the abrupt notion.

"Sure, Headmaster."

This wasn't good, he could tell by the old wizard's expression. Could he know? Severus didn't think it was possible, he was a very private man, he didn't keep any noisy and nosy portraits in his office or chambers... there weren't any in the dungeon halls either. You two had been careful, had you not? So, what was this about?

He found out soon enough.

"Sit down, please," Dumbledore said once they were in his office.

Severus only watched the old man go around the table and sit down himself. Dumbledore folded his arms on the table, thinking and piercing Severus with his stare, which only added to his unwillingness to sit down.

"Very well," the Headmaster said when it was clear that Severus wouldn't sit. "I think you guessed why you're here."

Severus frowned a bit. Was this a test? A manipulative game?

"You may want to clarify that, Headmaster."

Dumbledore sighed and his usually calming features fell into a grim expression. 

"Is Ms Y/L/N okay?" he asked and Severus froze on the spot. His mind went reeling and he had a hard time calming it down. He only nodded, not sure he believed it himself.

"I can't very well fire you, Severus, you know that. You're here to play a part. But it should go without saying that what you did was highly unprofessional."

Severus hung his head down in shame. He didn't even care about this teaching position or the grand plan of the Headmaster but there was a sense of failure in him.

"I know."

"What, however, concerns me even more than what you did, is how I found out. Your mind is unfocused and your guard is down. Did you even notice me?"

Severus jerked his head up with an angry expression which told Dumbledore all he needed to know.

"You once promised me that this... relationship, your feelings... they wouldn't make any difference to my cause other than your unwillingness to die. Look at yourself now."

Severus gritted his teeth, his jaw muscles flexing with an attempt to still the raging fit of anger rising in his chest. Dumbledore saw the anger but instead of calming it, he decided to just... redirect it.

"Severus, you should realise that this is putting the girl in danger. If I was Lord Voldemort," Severus winced at the name. "then all your feelings and weaknesses would be in his grasp."

Severus was shaking. Fear and anger wrecked his body violently, fighting for the upper hand. In the end, he bolted from where he stood, towards the exit of Headmaster's office without saying a single word but Dumbledore didn't stop him and sat down in his chair heavily. Emotions could always complicate one's pursuit of a greater good, he thought bitterly, his mind wandering to a certain Dark Wizard as it tended to while having thoughts like these.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so like... I couldn't help but hint on Dumbledore's inner struggle too because... as much as I despise the man, I'm trying really hard to be sympathetic and objective here (though failing miserably sometimes 🤣🤣) and he also had it kinda tough...  
> anyway, I was thinking of following on Kirtida and Daniel in the next chapter... maybe writing about their second date, perhaps even dedicating a whole chapter to their relationship... let me know if you're interested 😉


	86. Chapter 86

It was Sunday morning and Daniel felt like the whole world was on his side. The previous day he spent with Kirtida at Hogsmeade was... bloody fantastic! The girl was funny and very sweet but also provocative and snarky and he loved every bit of it. She was also a big nerd but it only added to her cuteness in his opinion. Most of all it felt so good to just be with her. If Daniel believed in destiny and soulmates and all that crap, girls tend to believe in, he guessed it would feel somehow like this. 

"Someone woke up on the right side of the bed today," Zachary said with a smirk. "I take it your date was a success?"

"Oh, more than that, mate, it was..." 

They were on their way to breakfast and Daniel was thinking about the previous day with a smile.

"Careful, pal, you look like a girl in dreamland," Zachary teased him playfully but Daniel seemed unfazed by it.

"I might just as well be. In dreamland, not a girl. She's really something else."

Zachary scoffed at his friend's words and patted his back.

"Okay, loverboy, let's get some food into you.

They entered the Great Hall and sat down.

"So I hear you're having another date today?" Gemma asked as soon as Daniel and Zachary sat down. Her voice was bitter, like it always was whenever Daniel asked a girl out... or was asked out for that matter. 

"Yes," Daniel beamed at her, though her sour expression made him tame down the excitement, at least outwardly. He was no idiot and, of course, he noticed Gemma's apparent attraction towards him but Daniel only ever saw her as a friend.

Gemma always thought her biggest and probably the only obstacle between her and Daniel was you. He was enamoured with you for as long as she could recall. But now, that he got so obviously over you, he still didn't choose her but another Slytherin girl and Gemma had to swallow down her pride and accept that it wasn't you that was the problem. Daniel simply didn't consider her an option. It was a bitter pill for her to swallow but at the same time it was one that wasn't at all unexpected and Gemma's feelings, though raw, were hurt far less than it would if Daniel ever as much as shown a sign of being interested in her. Which he never did. 

"Whatever, just don't come crying to us if it doesn't go your way and be sure to have your head in the game," she said with a sigh. 

"The Quidditch season is far ahead, there's no need to worry about that," Daniel answered confidently and hungrily dug into the plate of scrambled eggs.

\-------------

"So... a big day today too?" you asked Kirtida in the morning while you were changing clothes.

"You could say that," she said uncertainly. You had to smile since you had never seen this side of your friend until now. It only told you how serious this thing between her and Daniel was. You also felt you were changed by Severus in many ways and you hoped you had some positive effect on him too.

Daniel and Kirtida, who would have thought. You were grateful they found each other, you thought they really deserved each other in the best way possible. 

"I have a... confession to make but... please don't hate me for it," she said with a worried face and you could tell from the quivering of her lip that she was very nervous. 

"Tell me, please. There are like two or three things in this world which could make me hate you and I'm quite sure you wouldn't do any of them," you said with a smile and resolution in your voice that helped Kirtida calm down. You were not the most comforting person but you always tried to be as honest as possible and that made Kirtida feel at ease. Like she could expect your reactions a bit better than with other people. 

"Okay...I-" She was very nervous you could tell and so you sat on her bed next to her and placed your hand on her shoulder in a comforting gesture.

"Hey, it's better to tell me than not, right?"

"Right... I think I'm jealous of you," she said the second part so quickly you had to take some time to process her words.

"Okay?" you said but you were confused. "Elaborate, please?"

"I... I'm worried about Daniel-"

You started to laugh loudly. Not that Kirtida's misery was a laughing matter but you were actually worried she might have developed some sort of crush on Severus and _that_ was definitely one of those two or three things that could have made you hate her. Your laughter was a way your body showed relief.

"I'm sorry, this is obviously no laughing matter but... for a while you made me really concerned. If you had a thing for Sev I'd probably had to strangle you after all that encouraging you did."

Kirtida's eyes widened with realization.

"What?! You thought I had a thing for Snape?!"

"You said you were jealous!"

"NO! Eww, I mean, you and him, that's adorable and great but..." She shivered at the mere idea of her together with professor Snape.

"If this is about Daniel, you don't need to worry. I have no romantic feelings towards him... at least not anymore if there even was something. I'm really happy about you two, atually."

Kirtida bit her upper lip, which doesn't look as sexy as it may sound. She did that a lot in class, a sign she was thinking about something.

"I'm more worried about him," she said slowly and her face was so sombre you had to stop and think about it a bit. You could understand that. The insecurity. It was an unmistakable sign that you cared about the other person but had doubts they felt the same about you. 

"You know, I can only speak for myself. If you have something to ask Daniel, ask him."

"But-"

"Kirtida, you were pretty much in the first-row seat to my and Severus' relationship development. Don't tell me there weren't times that you just wished for us to sit down and talk about things. It's very helpful, mind you, I just had an amazing week of detention I spent with him, talking about all these insecurities we both had. I can give you a load of comforting and feel-good words but in the end, the relationship is between you and him... and you two have to work it out."

You smiled at her and stood up to go to breakfast. You noticed Vistaria standing in the doorframe, smirking at you two.

"Well, that was certainly an inspirational speech you gave right there," she whispered to you when you were passing her and you just smirked back at her with a light shrug of your shoulders.

Kirtida was thinking about what you said. You were right. You could actually give decent advice when you weren't the one in need of them. Pretty much like Kirtida herself. Maybe that was the role of best friends, help you when you struggle with words of wisdom when your own mind is too troubled and foggy and bloody pink with all that love nonsense.

\---------------

Daniel was waiting nervously in front of the Potion's classroom as he and Kirtida agreed on. He couldn't help but pace a bit nervously in front of it, the echo of his footsteps his only companion. That was until the classroom's door opened with a loud bang as they collided with the wall from the sheer force of the opening. Professor Snape came out abruptly and he was seething.

"Woodlock!" he barked. "Care to explain why you're disturbing me with your loud pacing and sighs in front of my door?"

"Ehm... sorry, sir, I didn't know I was so loud."

"Five points from Griffindor for being a dunderhead and not answering my question!"

Daniel wanted to argue but he just frowned, realising the best strategy would be to just get along with the guy.

"I'm waiting for a date, sir," he said and Snape visibly flinched and straightened his back. Git, Daniel thought, no doubt worried about Y/N. Daniel felt prompted to get back at the man who basically stole his first love away just a bit. 

"A date? You're waiting for your date in front of my classroom?"

"I didn't know you'd be here on Sunday, sir, and since she's a Slytherin, I had to come down to her, of course. As a true English gentleman should."

Daniel was enjoying the change of colour in the Potion Master's face a tad too much, he knew. But he just had to smirk internally. He was even more amused when the door formed in the dungeon wall and you came out. Snape's face was simply hilarious at that moment, no doubt getting the wrong idea when he saw you smile at Daniel and going in his direction.

You were a bit surprised to see Severus and Daniel talking but you tried your very best to not let anything faze you and went to them.

"You're gonna be so in trouble," you said to Dan with a smirk. You helped Kirtida get dressed and you and Vis fancied her up a bit. She looked gorgeous.

Daniel lifted a brow at you and smiled. 

"What? Did you tell her something you shouldn't have?"

You laughed at him.

"As if there was something to tell," you scoffed. "But you're gonna have your mind blown away when you see her."

Daniel opened his mouth to answer with something smart and snarky but the wall opened again and Kirtida came out. Whatever was on his mind was simply blown away, much like you predicted and his mouth stayed open. You had to laugh at him.

"I suggest you close your mouth for now. You look like an idiot and I'm sure there'll be a more appropriate time and place to open it later."

Daniel gave you a nasty glare for the teasing but you just giggled.

"Go, you poor sod, she's waiting for you." You pushed him towards your friend who was just smiling prettily and they left together. Which meant you stayed in the hallway with Severus.

Severus was barely present for the strange exchange he just witnessed. First, he was too dumbstruck to see you come out of the Commons. He thought for a moment that it was you who'd go out with Woodlock. Then he was simply astounded by your presence so near him and from there, his thought took a dark turn and he thought about how easily you could distract him and he had to give it to the Headmaster, he was really losing his focus.

"You okay?" you asked Severus when he was just standing next to you, looking into nowhere. Severus didn't even look at you but he sighed so loudly, it surprised you.

"I'll be... in time."

With that, he turned and went down the hall, leaving you with budding anxiety in your chest. He just needs time, he just needs time... Little did you know, it would become your mantra for the next four days

\-------------

Kirtida was all jittery but somehow she was smiling the whole time, feeling happy as she went, side by side with Daniel, simply pacing through the Hogwarts.

"So, where are we going? You said I don't need anything too warm, so I'm expecting no venturing out."

Daniel's grin fell for a while and he seemed to be thinking before he grinned sheepishly. 

"I have no real plan, to be honest. I was so excited about today that I had no mind to prepare anything," he said and Kirtida just stared at him in surprise but then she started to laugh.

"Serious?! So, we're gonna just walk around the castle?" She couldn't help the laughing fit that overtook her. So, this date she decided to get her hair done for, dress pretty and even make some effort and put makeup on, which she never did, was a stroll around the castle halls?

Daniel was a bit ashamed but the laughter next to him indicated it wasn't such a catastrophe and...

"You said you don't like prepared, right? Just improvised."

Kirtida looked at him, still smiling.

"Yeah, that's true. At least I see you're listening to me."

He was very attentive, she had to admit. Daniel smiled and he took her hand in his, sliding his fingers between hers as if it was the most natural thing for him, and tugged her along. Kirtida was shocked by his straightforwardness. 

"Ehm..."

"What is it?" he asked when he sensed her uneasiness.

"You just... grab my hand like that?" she asked a bit incredulously. Daniel looked at their joined hands and then back at her, also a bit confused.

"Is that a problem?" He grew a bit worried about some possible cultural differences. Did he make some sort of faux-pas? Was there a no-holding policy or tradition in Indian culture? Maybe he should have done some research on that.

"No, it's not a problem as per se," she said nervously and Dan let out a sigh of relief. Okay, so no problem there.

"So... what?"

"I'm just... not used to..."

Daniel was looking at her darting wide eyes and then it hit him.

"Oh... you... never dated anyone before?" he asked and tried to sound as calm as possible and not totally freaked out, which was totally how he felt. Kirtida looked at him shyly and shook her head without another word. Daniel took a sharp breath. So sharp it made a hiss. 

"Okay..." he said and carefully let go of her hand. Kirtida was feeling as if she was being rejected at that moment until Daniel took a step towards her and not from her, placing a hand on her upper arm.

"Not gonna lie, it freaks me out a bit. I don't even recall which was the last girl... that doesn't matter, my point is, you really need to tell me these things. When it's moving too fast for you or whenever something's uncomfortable, okay?"

Kirtida was processing all the information in that sentence and nodded at Daniel.

"It wasn't uncomfortable."

"What?" He had no idea what she was referring to, still a tad too unhinged from the news. Kirtida sighed with exasperation. Instead of saying anything, she reached out for his hand and interlaced her fingers with his. She raised their joined hands to his eye-level for him to see. When she put them down, Dan had a small smirk on his face.

"Just... it might take some time for me to adjust to certain things," Kirtida said as a warning and Daniel nodded. That was completely fine by him as long as he didn't do something to muck this up. There was an awkward moment of silence before Kirtida's nature kicked in and she just grinned at him.

"Okay, now we have to think of what I'm gonna tell the girls about this date because if they find out they made all this effort," she said and gestured to herself, "just to walk through the castle corridors, they're going to murder you."

Daniel chuckled at that but he thought that it actually might be a thing of concern. They started to walk through the castle, letting it inspire them as to what their imaginary activities could have been and they had a blast with that. Dan even cleared some of his insecurities by asking about Kirtida's family and her own beliefs. Their time together was so effortlessly flowing they almost missed dinner and when they ran into the Great Hall together, hand in hand, full of laughter, they got more than a dozen of curious faces looking their way. They parted with a light squeeze of hands and huge smiles on their faces before going to their friends to get thoroughly interrogated.


	87. Chapter 87

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I used a GoT line in here because it just came to my mind and felt super appropriate in the situation 😁

On Monday, Severus couldn't help but dread the Advanced Potions with his seventh-years. He was going mad, he was sure of it. As he tried to keep his distance and gain his composure, it was only getting worse, his every thought preoccupied with you, weighed by your presence. During lunch, he was especially squirmy and absentminded and one look in Dumbledore's way told him exactly how unfocused he was. This was going badly.

When he entered the dreaded class, his eyes found you without giving him as much as a chance to stop them. You were looking at him and gave him the smallest smile and it made his throat dry and he had to cough to clear it before speaking, which made quite a ruckus in the room. Did he imagine that or were there even some worried faces among his students? Your face stayed worried the whole two hours and you were studying him so closely, trying to find any discomfort on his face, that you completely botched the potion you were working on with Kirtida, who gave you a scolding look before you noticed a tall dark presence near your table.

"Seems like this way you won't be able to get through this class. Or you already forgot that you two have already missed on one assignment?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and his eyes bore into yours and you held his look. Kirtida watched with a huge grin but after a while, she realised this was a bit too... open for public.

"Ehm, it won't happen again, sir," she said and Severus' head snapped to her. Damn it, he lost control again. 

"It better not," he growled deeply, though he said it more to himself then you two. He didn't look your way for the rest of the lesson. 

\--------------

"That was intense," Kirtida said when you were leaving the classroom and you only nodded, not even bothering to ask what she meant. It was glaringly obvious.

"Hey," Daniel said as he came to you two, smiling at Kirtida sweetly before turning to you. "What was that? Are you two fighting or what?"

"Fighting!" Kirtida exclaimed with a scoff. "More like eye-fucking each other..."

"My ears! Please, spare me!" Daniel yelled and you had to laugh though you also couldn't help the childish gesture of sticking out your tongue at him.

\--------------

Severus was on pins and needles the whole Thursday and Wednesday, to the point that Minerva came to him with a few reprimanding words about his temperamental outbursts at students and his empty expression while talking with other staff members. And so he decided to go to Hogsmeade after dinner, Hog's Head Inn his destination. He tried his damn best to not look the Innkeeper in face, still remembering how he was thrown out after he listened on to Dumbledore's conversation with Sybilla. 

He ordered a glass of Firewhiskey and he downed it in one gulp. The burning sensation was so intense, he opted for a Hog's Head Brew next, trying to stay away from anything too strong. This wasn't healthy, he thought. He was scared of his own emotions. This was too close to becoming an obsession and that would be good for neither of you. Yet, his battered soul, if he still owned such a thing, yearned for some companion. There was never a person who would give him so much of... everything and he felt like he should do the same but he was also afraid of losing it. These feelings made him such a mess.

He was in the Inn, Merlin knows for how long when a hand landed on his shoulder and he turned his head quickly to see the Headmaster. Severus sighed.

"Minerva was rather concerned about your behaviour," the older man stated and sat down next to Severus who didn't answer in any way.

"I don't know... what to do," Severus admitted after five minutes of silence. Dumbledore knew that much. Severus was being distracted and the last two days were only getting worse. "When I'm meeting with her, every moment apart I feel anxious and I'm worried but when I distance myself completely it's probably even worse."

"Love is a death of duty, they say."

Severus frowned. This pile of dragon turds again. 

"This is not even a question of duty anymore. It's a question of integrity and sanity."

Severus set down the tankard of beer with so much strength, it spilt on the table. He was getting a headache and he was sure it couldn't have been alcohol-induced yet, which meant that he had a migraine from this whole situation and that next morning his head would probably explode. He groaned with frustration. Dumbledore didn't like what he saw. The young man in front of him was really losing his wits about this situation and though Dumbledore never paid him any special attention as a student, he was certain that this was not a usual and natural behaviour for him. Dumbledore recalled the night Severus came to him with the plea for Lily's protection and how desperate he was. He was distraught and very afraid and worried. This was different. This was like if he was standing on the edge of the cliff. As if he felt like there's no other option for him but jump. The complete misery was palpable on the young man's face.

"Severus, I think you're becoming emotionally... dependant on that girl and I fear she has far too many of her own problems and is too young to not crumble under the pressure of responsibility you push onto her."

"I know, what the damn problem is, I just don't know how to solve it," he growled out, though some of the things didn't even cross his mind. He didn't even realise how hard you were trying for him and he completely blocked your own problems from the equation. He was a selfish git, basically sucking the life out of a young and innocent girl. He closed his eyes tight and massaged the root of his nose between two fingers.

"Maybe you should talk to her," the older wizard suggested. 

"We've been doing that for a week." Dumbledore looked at him with a raised brow.

"Is that so? What I saw in your head the other day definitely didn't look like talking."

Severus gave him a nasty glare after those words and slammed a hand on the table, a wave of jealousy rising in his chest. Did he actually saw you in Severus' memories? How you looked when you came undone? Your flushed body? Did he hear your soft moans and cries of pleasure? Severus was seething at the possibilities.

"Erase those memories!"

Dumbledore's eyes glinted with an idea.

"No. It should make for a warning. So you'll be more careful in the future." With that said, the Headmaster stood up to leave Severus, who was pale in the face. He realised at that moment, that he didn't fully believe Dumbledore that the Dark Lord would come back to life because as much as the prospect of him finding out about you through Severus was the most terrifying thought to him, it was a thing of fiction for him. Like being afraid of a tsunami when you live inland. But the threat of exposing your sweetness and undoubtful sensuousness to others was so tangible and so unacceptable that Severus was out of breath for a while. 

Dumbledore turned back to him with one more thought.

"You lost Lily to the dark emotions you harbour deep in your heart and the moment of weakness where you let them out. Don't make the same mistake again, Severus. It's time for you to come to terms with all the hurt and anger you have. If not for your sake, then for the sake of that girl. That is if you plan to really be with her."

Severus wasn't a person who was easily unhinged or found dumbstruck but he sat at the inn for another good twenty minutes, almost like petrified. 

When he came back to his chambers that night, heavily under influence, which was a first for him, he thought of you but this time there were no naked scenes or jealous imaginations of you with someone else. No, just you with that soft smile you so often send his way. He dreamt of that incomprehensible vision of your friend, the happy one, the one he wouldn't dare to dream of otherwise. The one where he was laying in the grass under the shadow of the trees on a bright sunny day, just laying there, with your warm body pressed against him and his arm around you, while his other hand lovingly caressed your swelled belly. You were sleeping, lightly exhaling warm air against his neck with a content smile and he looked like the happiest man alive. 

\-----------------

On Thursday you made up your mind to talk with Severus. You tried your best to stay away from, to not think about him every minute of every damn hour but you were simply too worried about him. You had no idea what was happening. Did he really back away because of the pretence you had to put up? Or was he guilty about what he did to you the other day? Or what was it? 

After the Potions class ended, you were about to stay behind and talk to him but you were surprised when he called onto you first. 

"Y/L/N, Chandra, stay behind. We need to discuss some extra work."

You and Kirtida exchanged a look and stayed until everyone was out of the room. Severus was scribbling something on a piece of parchment and then he finally looked at you two.

"I want two rolls of parchment on Antidote to Veritaserum as you both missed the class. And as you mixed the correct order of adding Armadillo bile and Acromantula venom into the Armadillo Bile Mixture this Monday, I'd like a two pages essay on the differences between the substances. Perhaps it could teach you to recognise ingredients by something other than colour."

You groaned and Kirtida looked petrified.

"Until when, professor?" she asked. 

"Until the end fo the year," he said and Kirtida raised her brows slightly. That wasn't so bad. That was more than two weeks of time and since it was a holiday, there wouldn't be that much of the work. 

"Sure, sir," she said and looked at you. "Anything else, sir?" 

"No, you may leave, Ms Chandra," he said and turned his eyes to you. Kirtida and you both understood that she was to go and you were to stay. She just squeezed your hand and went out. 

"Sit down, please," he said gently once the door behind Kiritda shut closed. You gulped down the nervousness and did as you were told. You were about to discuss something important, you could see it in his eyes. About bloody time, you thought.


	88. Chapter 88

You were waiting patiently for Severus to start talking but it seemed like he was just staring at you. 

"I actually wanted to talk with you too," you started, when he looked like he wasn't about to and he raised a questioning brow. You looked down at your hands, fumbling with the hems of your sleeves.

"I really missed you these past few days, you know. I... I understand that you need some time, everyone does sometimes. The problem is that I don't know _why_ you need it and please don't tell me it's to keep up the pretence, I heard the rumours about your short temper in other classes. Something's bothering you."

There was no question but you knew he could understand your worries. He did, of course, he was no dunderhead. You wanted to know what was going on, naturally.

"I am... really no good for you," he sighed and saw the crease between your brows.

"Nonsense. You are the best for me," you said with resolve. Severus shook his head.

"Don't say that, it's not true, and you're not helping anybody by saying it," he said firmly and stood up to pace the room left and right.

"I don't understand," you said truthfully. "What's the problem here?" Severus was getting more agitated with each pace and you could see how he was losing his cool. 

"Damn it! I'm not treating you right, can't you see that?! This is not... not good for you! I'm damaged goods, Y/N!" he yelled in rage, swiping a few things from his desk to the floor in his rage. "Look at me!" 

That escalated quickly. He had to be really strained and stressed about this for some time. But you slammed your own hands on the desk as you stood up quickly.

"I'm looking and what I see right now is a confused guy throwing a childish fit and I don't. Even. Know. WHY! Why are you yelling at me? What for?!" You started to gesticulate wildly with your hands. "I can see you're hurting and I tried my very best to be here for you so what's your problem?"

"THAT! That's exactly my problem! Didn't you see in what state you were after I lost my cool? You could barely walk! Why are you still here?"

You were both animated, he was pacing and your hands were still wildly flying around you. This was getting out of your or his control rather quickly. 

"You're not making any sense! You're just yelling your frustrations at me without saying anything constructive! So your problem is that I'm with you?!"

Severus stopped his pacing at that and went right in front of you, stopping only a few inches from you.

"You can't be seriously this stupid," he growled out and at that moment you widened your eyes and, full of rage, you slapped him.

Severus was shocked. When he felt the impact of your palm on his face and the consequential sting, he froze. There was a long silence in which he was simply staring at nothing, not fully comprehending the situation and you were staring with a blurred vision on your trembling hand.

"I really hate you right now! Why am I even bothering?! Whatever I do, whenever it seems like things are good, you find a way to push the relationship back to the very beginning, even further. Is this some sick game to you? To see how much I can take?! I'm supposed to be the child in this relationship, not you! You're supposed to comfort me, tell me that my mum is gonna be okay, that I don't have to worry too much about the unknown and undecided future! Or help me with the decision! Instead of that, I'm comforting you and taking care of you and that didn't even bother me much, but what do I get in return?... THIS! Idiotic, moronic argument!"

You're crying ugly fat tears, screaming and throwing all your limbs in different directions with agitated movements and Severus is just watching you with wide eyes. This was it, this was what Dumbledore was talking about, it was true. You really _were_ bothered by all these things he didn't see before. Pent up anger, stress, frustration. 

"The worst thing is that I can't even hate you properly because you hate yourself so much," you said miserably, all the fight in you gone, only sorrow left behind. "I felt so bad the last time I yelled at you like this and I can feel it even now, the guilt creeping in." Your voice was so void as if there was no happiness left and Severus was terrified by this version of you. He also felt a surge of protectiveness overcome him when he saw you like this.

"I'm so sorry," he said with a hoarse voice and it sounded so broken and sincere, that you felt new tears in your eyes. There was so much misery in your eyes that Severus felt like going to hell and back to stop it right that moment. He raised his hand and tenderly wiped at the tears on your cheek.

"We promised to not say sorry anymore, remember? We promised to never do anything to say we're sorry," you said, your mind running way back to your younger years. Severus shook his head a no.

"Of course, you don't," you whispered and looked down, "it was back when you were in love with Lily. When you first found out she was dating James."

Severus recalled the memory, the sorrow he felt, the absolute defeat and although he couldn't recall the promise, there was something he did. He took a step back from you, reached into his robe's inner pocket and pulled out a piece of fabric, he then pushed into your field of vision. Your heart skipped a beat when you noticed the black satin handkerchief and you looked at his face, your surprise apparent.

"You still have it?" Severus looked from you to the object in his hand and then back at you.

"It never left my side," he admitted and shifted in place. This was highly uncomfortable for him. "I keep it in my inner pocket from the day you gave it to me. Wherever I go, it's with me. Always."

"Why?" you breathed out and Severus knew how important this question is for you and how carefully he must answer.

"Truthfully, it started as a prized possession. I never owned anything of that quality and I treasured it greatly. Feeling a bit closer to all my classmates. It gave me a sense of... belonging. But then I entered Dark Lord's ranks and it seemed harder and harder to part with it even though it burned my pocket whenever I was... doing something... I knew that would disappoint you. It became a moral compass of sorts. To be honest, I hated it the same amount I treasured it. It always felt like it was holding me back but also... keeping me straight... if that makes any sense."

You couldn't comprehend this. It was always so easy for you - you loved Severus and it was not to be questioned pretty much since the day you realised it. But his emotions were so complex, so contradictory. It seems like he cherished you from the very beginning one moment, and the next he says something hurtful. He reveals bits and pieces each time you're fighting. You frowned. Does he feel more comfortable expressing himself after an argument? You still didn't know all the things concerning his family but you could imagine that Severus grew up in a household where fighting and arguing were a way of communicating. Maybe the only way. It tore your heart apart to think of it and you felt the full wagon of guilt hit you for yelling at him like that. You sighed. This situation was too familiar.

"We already said once that we have to stop this and move on... it wasn't even that long ago... and look at us," you said with a sad smile. Severus was looking at you and he wanted to hug you tightly. You looked so fragile.

"It takes a lot to change a man, time is the least of it," he said and you smirked.

"So more arguments for me, you say."

Severus smirked too. 

"Looks like it as you seem so adamant on having me."

The moment was both sad and happy. Bittersweet would be the word to describe it the best. You really loved this man and you were far beyond trying to understand why. You just wanted to enjoy it, though you were sure there was still a long way ahead. 

"I really missed you, you know. These past few days. I was telling myself that you just need some space but I was missing you like crazy," you whispered.

"I know what you mean by that," he said and brushed a strand of hair from your face gently, cupping your face. He closed the distance but instead of your lips, he kissed your forehead softly and then he replaced his lips with a forehead of his own and sighed. "I was going crazy too." 

Weird, he didn't even feel any desire at the moment, well not for your body. Just satisfaction of being close to you as if something shifted inside of him. He knew why that was, it wasn't the first time he let you under his skin but it was the first time it didn't scare the living shit out of him. He felt even somewhat comfortable with sharing his feelings with you and that was a feeling Severus was not used to at all.

"I love you," he said and you couldn't believe you heard him say it. First.

"What?" you asked with a huge grin and half-expected Severus to roll his eyes and say 'you know what' but instead he just smiled at you.

"I love you," he repeated and you placed your arms around his neck and kissed him. Severus slid the hand from your cheek to the side of your neck and his other arm snaked around you but he didn't deepen the kiss and let you in charge this time, taking the sweetness you were giving him with your warm, loving lips. When you two parted Severus was smiling and you were grinning like an idiot.

"I love you too, Sev," you said but then your expression darkened and you squinted your eyes at him, "but if you as much as hint at that I'm stupid ever again, Merlin help us both!" you scolded him and he laughed with that wonderful boyish laugh you wanted to listen to for the rest of your life.

\--------------

You came to dinner in a very good mood but as soon as you sat down and saw Vistaria and Kirtida you straightened your back.

"What is it?"

They both exchanged strange expressions. 

"It's all over the school, someone claims they heard you and Snape argue in the Potions classroom and that the argument was... heated and... rather intimate," Kirtida said and you felt all the blood drain from you. 

"What?" you asked and turned to the teacher's table, where Severus was in cornered, literally, by Dumbledore, McGonagall and Pomfrey. Sprout and Flitwick were standing by. All of their expressions were severe, this wasn't good. Not good at all.

You quickly stood up and strode towards the professor cluster, noting the sneers and whispers of your schoolmates on your way to the front of the room. The animated whispers noted the professors of something going on and they turned to see you only ten more steps away from them, which you took rather swiftly.

"I can explain," you said as soon as you stopped in front of them and looked at them. When your eyes landed on Severus you saw a small twitch of his mouth. Was he amused by this? He schooled his expression.

"No need, Y/L/N, I already told them everything," he said and your eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. 

"You did?!" 

The professors frowned at your informal outburst.

"Yes, I told them of your little crush and the scene you made in my classroom," he said pointedly with a condescending smirk.

Your mouth fell agape and you couldn't believe your ears. What? But Severus' eyes were burning holes into you, screaming some sort of message to you. Play along.

"What?!" you said a bit too... vociferously. You could see Severus' lips twitch and you felt proud of yourself for getting it right. "I hate you!" you yelled and stormed off the Great Hall, feeling all the eyes in the room on you.

"Well, that should put a stop to the foolishness," Severus said as he watched you leaving and then he turned his eyes to his colleagues. 

"Severus, that was a bit too much, don't you think?" Minerva asked carefully but Severus only frowned.

"It was the only way for it to stop, Minerva. Trust me, I tried it nicely since I know the girl, but she didn't get the message."

The professors nodded and some of them murmured.

"I think given the circumstances and their acquaintance, it was probably the best course of action," Dumbledore interfered for the first time since Minerva practically launched herself on Severus as soon as he entered the room. Bastard. He was enjoying this, Severus could tell. He had to suffer through the dinner, listening to the whispers and going through the minds of the dunderheads and he knew that he might have saved your relationship from being exposed as best as the situation allowed, but he could also tell that the school life would become even harder for you starting tomorrow. He left the room troubled and exhausted but most of all worried.

When he came back to his office, something felt off and as soon as he entered his private quarters, he saw you on his bed.

"What are you doing here?" he gritted out. Although he was relieved to see you he was even more worried about the current circumstances. You looked at him with solemn eyes.

"How bad is it?" you asked. "Did I play it off well enough?"

Severus could see you were also troubled greatly by this and sighed.

"Were you careful?" he asked and you knew he was asking about you coming to his office and frowned.

"I think I told you to not even hint at me being stupid. Of course, I was careful, Sev, I don't want to get expelled or get you fired... most likely both if this ever comes out to light."

Severus nodded.

"I don't think you're stupid, just... emotions can cloud one's judgement," he stated. He fully understood the saying only recently and to a terrifying degree even. 

"Anyway, it seems like I'm an exemplary case of dutiful professor," he said with mock and disdain, "and you're a poor girl, that every staff member pities. What concerns me more are the snots and dunderheads."

It warmed your heart that he was so worried about you but that was nothing and you told him as such.

"Tsk! Snots and dunderheads I can manage just fine, no worries," you said with a smirk and he just looked at your confident, sassy demeanour. It was both sexy and weirdly cute. He came closer to you and pulled you up on your feet to kiss you. He knew that things were not exactly ideal and that there was still a lot to think of but he was content with where this was going and for the first time ever, he could really imagine the future he was promised in Chandra's vision. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say that I went back to my first chapters to look at them and... THEY WERE SO SHORT!!! Now I understand why I was able to write like three in a day and now I'm struggling with one! 😂😂 Some of the 7X and 8X chapters are so loooong (I mean, not super long they are all rather short for AO3 standards but I write one every day!)  
> I'm probably going to shorten them a little again because then I have time to reread them carefully for corrections and I don't feel so stressed out. I'm telling you so you won't be too surprised 😄
> 
> Also, I already have the next chapter ready for you and...😍😍😍🥵💋😈  
> I'm not sure if it won't disturb the continuity since we just had a fight but I simply couldn't resist!!! I mean we already had a taste of him and then we had to go for FOUR DAYS without him!!! Who can blame us if we want a bit of action right? 🤭🤭🤭


	89. Chapter 89

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay 😈 let's put the emotional baggage aside a bit and move to some... action 💋💋💕

"You should go back to your dorm," Severus said once he released you from the kiss but you whined in disapproval. 

"I don't want to go back, I want to stay here, with you," you whined again with a pout. Like a child. Severus had to smile, was this your reaction to the last fight? He couldn't lie, he found it a bit endearing but at the same time, quite dangerous.

"We just put out one fire and you're already playing with matches." You looked at him with confusion and Severus had to repeat the sentence in his head before the realisation dawned on him. "The Muggle instruments to light a fire," he clarified and you nodded in understanding. 

"Well, I'm already on fire so..." You smirked at him after the cheesy line and he was clearly amused but also intrigued. The phantom of desire went through his eyes but leaving quickly as if it wasn't even there.

"Maybe you should go to your dorm and take a shower then," he suggested with a hollow voice and tried to not imagine you in a shower. You frowned. No way, mister, you were touch starved for four freaking days and you wanted to be touched, right then! Also, a small voice in your head told you that two days from now, there'll be no action for you, with the red tide coming. Although, it may be a good opportunity to... try some other things. Focus! 

"But, sir, I've been such a good girl in the Great Hall, I think I deserve a... praise," you tempted him with sugar-dripping voice and your hands travelled across Severus' chest. 

He raised a brow and gulped down the excitement and arousal. With a quick swish of a wand, he cast a Muffliato on the door to not repeat today's mistake once more, though he was certain that his chambers were, indeed, private and no sound would come out.

"You enjoy the student-teacher kink a tad too much. I'm starting to think you're with me only for that," he said with a hint of sarcasm and a lot of teasing but you just smiled sweetly.

"I intend to make the best of it while I can," you answered suggestively. You _did_ like to call him sir, especially when it coaxed out such a delicious reaction out of him. Your eyes slid down his body and stopped at the bulge in his pants. Yes, that one. 

"Is that so?" he asked slowly, pretending to think about something. Then he swiftly grabbed your thighs and raised you to sit on the ebony dresser placed near the bed. It was a comfortable hight for Severus, much like the table in his office. He placed his hands on each side of you and leaned in.

"You want to make the best of it. Well, first, you'd have to really commit yourself to your role... Ms Y/L/N," he said and then smirked. "After all, only bad girls fall out of it," he whispered into your ear and you shivered. He was playing with you but you knew he really meant it. 

"I understand, sir," you said and smirked. Severus took in your sassy expression and looked down at your crossed legs. He contemplated what to do next. He could let you tease him a bit with that raised skirt and the curve of your hips but at the same time, he yearned to part your legs to see you.

"We'll see... so, you want a reward for your little acting performance at dinner, is that so?" he asked and you could tell he was already immersed in his role and smiled.

"Very much so, sir. I think I deserve it!" you said with all the cocky confidence you had in you. Severus twitched in response. You played the sassy, pouty student so well. Not that it surprised him, by what you showed him at the beginning of the year, it was practically your second nature. At that moment a penny dropped and he took a good look at you. It _was_ your nature. That's why you like it so much. It was your way to act in this complicated relationship like a teenager you were.

"I think I agree, a very persuasive performance. Perhaps," he paused and uncrossed your legs, only to put a hand on each knee, not parting them yet, "you could tell me what kind of reward you'd... like."

His voice was smoking hot and his words slow and deliberate. He was enjoying this, you could tell. You were also very much aroused and his question made you drip with desire. 

"Sir," you moaned as his thumbs started to make small circles under your knees. He just raised a brow at you to continue. "I want you to touch me, sir."

Though every cell in his body wanted to do just that, he couldn't help but stall a bit longer.

"I _am_ touching you, Ms Y/L/N, you should probably be more specific. After all, I'm a Potions Master and potion-making is an exact art with precise manuals and recipes."

What a tease! Your mind was befuddled already by his velvety voice and the atmosphere in the room.

"Higher, sir," you breathed out and Severus' hands moved from your kees upwards and stopped midthigh. 

"Like this?" he asked with mirth.

"Higher!" you moaned in frustration and he complied and stopped his hands a hair's width away from your knickers. 

"This good?" he asked and you swore this felt more like a punishment than a reward!

"Under my undies," you groaned and he chuckled. His fingers slipped under the small piece of clothing but he didn't move to your slit but up, just caressing your skin. 

"You don't give the best of instructions, Ms Y/L/N," he teased you with a mocking voice and you had enough.

"Just touch me where I want you the most!" you cried out in frustration and Severus' eyes darkened.

"Now we're talking... though you forgot to address me properly, Ms Y/L/N. Where do you want me the most? Tell me. How should I touch you? How much? With. _What_?"

He wanted to hear every little detail of what you wanted from him. His mind was set on pleasuring you just as you'd like and as he was precise by nature, he wanted to know exactly how it should be done in your imagination. 

You were shivering just by his words alone. Damn that sexy voice and the skilled dirty talk. He was the worst... which made him the best.

"I'm sorry, sir, it won't happen again."

"Good. Now tell me."

His eyes were burning with eagerness, desire and excitement. You guessed your eyes had the same look. You tried to collect your thoughts a little. Despite most of your interactions with Severus, you were not a shy person by nature. It was just that you got a bit insecure around him but in the spirit of letting go of the past and turn a new page in this relationship, you should try to overcome your weakness, like he was trying to overcome his. You took a deep breath, closed your eyes and tried to imagine your normal behaviour when Severus wasn't around. He was watching most intently, curious about what was going on in your head. So he asked.

"What do you think of when you're alone? What am I doing in your mind to pleasure you?"

That did help immensely, to tell the truth, and you opened your eyes. Severus was taken aback by the look of determination and strength in them. It made his blood boil, his skin tingle, his head dizzy. 

"I want you to touch me properly with your fingers. Then I want you to kneel in front of me and worship me with your lips and taste me with your tongue and I want you to make me scream your name without boundaries. Then, and only then, you should be allowed to take me but not wildly and hastily. Slowly, purposefully, sensuously."

"Worship you," Severus interrupted hoarsely, his mind fuzzy from visualising. He came to really understand the power of words. You smiled a lazy smile.

"Yes, exactly, worship me. Your hands shall touch my body exploringly and find out where I want them, where I find them to be most pleasurable. The same should go for your mouth. When you help me over the edge the second time, you shall come with my name on your lips and your eyes glued to mine."

Severus groaned and his whole body was buzzing with excitement but he was still waiting, searching your eyes, if there was something more. You looked right back at him and you could see the hunger and so you only smirked. 

"Pretty please, sir," you said with that sugary voice but you groaned the word 'sir' slightly and you bit your lip on purpose. That was the last drop to the cup of Severus' patience and he rid you and him of clothes with one swift movement of a wand. With so many slow and sensuous things ahead, he had no mind to add disrobing to it. 

One of his hands came to tease your slit immediately while the other one went lazily up from your abdomen. You moaned and felt goosebumps on your skin, both from becoming naked so abruptly and from his touch. 

"Though you still seem to struggle with some... terminology, Ms Y/L/N, I think this was a very sufficient description. You shall get your reward," he said and watched your eyelids flutter as he said those words in a deep smooth voice. Then they flared open and you exhaled sharply when he sunk the first digit inside of you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it just me or do smut writers very conveniently omit menstruation cycle, like most of the time, only ever considering it, or the lack of, when there's a baby coming? I kinda hate how the characters can just jump at it whenever without worrying about anything so don't expect any unrealistic three-months-long banging without a stop 😁 I also think it would be a good source of frustration for Severus and a test for his restraint 🤭😈🤭😈 ...or means for us to go a bit alternative 💋💋


	90. Chapter 90

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smutty chapter 90!!! 🤩 I hope you'll enjoy it 😁 I can't believe I'm writing this story for so long already! 😲😲

Severus was slowly working his finger inside of you, curling it in different angles and positions to find out what suits you best. His eyes were intently watching every change of your expression and his ears were toned to the quietest sounds. To put it simply, he was wired to you.

"Sev," you moaned out after a particularly good stroke, and he repeated it to get another moan out of you. Interesting. He repeated the movement a few more times, engraving it to his muscle memory and relishing in the soft moans, each a bit louder than the previous one.

Then he was exploring some more, letting you calm down a bit before he added another finger and trying variations of moves inside of you. First, curling just one, then the other, then both of them together and finally he spread them apart inside of you, which made you gasp a little. Severus tried it once more to assess if it was just a surprise or pleasure. Your instructions ran through his head while he tried to fulfil them to his best abilities and you were clearly enjoying yourself, so he was complacent too. 

You were, indeed, enjoying it but you started to regret you told him to take it slow. You craved more and by the lifted eyebrow, you could tell that Severus noticed and it brought out that small smirk, which irritated you as much as it made you happy. 

"You seem to be impatient, Ms Y/L/N," he purred into your ear and then retreated his hand. "And you forgot to address me properly, _again,_ " he growled and you shivered. He could be really intense when he wanted.

"So sorry, sir," you answered but wasn't about to just give in and decided to tease him a bit. "I just... yearn your touch so much, sir. You have no idea how much I missed you... how much I thought of you... in my bed, in the evening and the morning, even during the lunch break in girl's lavatories..."

You smiled when you saw him shift in discomfort and growl lowly. 

"Ms Y/L/N, you're one nasty girl for teasing me like this... and for carelessly pleasing yourself, almost publicly... perhaps you don't even deserve the reward," he said in thought but he knew the only reason he said that, was because he didn't want to go slowly as you asked of him. He tried to resist his urges and told himself that this was your moment.

"Sir," you moaned, his word going from your ears straight to your core. Severus zeroed on your intimate part and noticed a little streak of slick, glistening liquid coming out of you, almost lazily and before he could really think about it, he kneeled and his face got closer and closer until he was close enough to dart his tongue out and stop it on its way down. He swiped his tongue in one long move which he capped off by teasing your love nub. 

"Aaah! Ssssir," you hissed, stopping yourself from screaming his name at last second. Severus liked that reaction very much and so he decided to focus on the small bump of nerves. He licked it, sucked on it and even grazed it with his teeth. All of it was eliciting wonderful sounds out of you. They were not exactly loud, but he could tell by the hitching and sucked-in breaths that you liked it very much, and he liked the sounds even more than the loud cries. These sounded surprised, appreciative and more intimate. He was keen on hearing more. 

You were squirming on the dresser under his skilful mouth, watching him enjoying his work very much, which made you even hotter for him. How could he be so sinfully sexy? And how could he not realise it? 

"Ah! Sir, you're amazing! Feels so good!" you moaned a bit purposefully but you weren't lying, it did feel amazing. Severus smirked at, what he thought was an attempt to sound sexy, but he appreciated the compliment and decided to return his fingers to their original post, pumping in and out languidly. He lifted his head, leaving your clit wet from his saliva and he lightly puffed on it. His dark, heated eyes watched you as you shivered and squirmed and he felt your walls tighten around your fingers.

"I feel you're getting closer but what should I do? My task was to make you scream my name, not mewl it," he pondered while still moving his fingers inside and out and you whimpered. This meant he was about to get into a faster tempo and you couldn't wait. Severus saw the enthusiasm and, a tad meanly, slowed down. The frustration in your face almost made him laugh.

"It might be because you're slowing down instead of speeding up, sir," you tried to sound irritated but even you could tell it was more desperate than anything other. 

"Might be so, Ms Y/L/N, let's test out your theory, shall we?" he said with a smirk and his mouth went to the small nub again, sucking hard. You cried out, and he would smile at that if he weren't busy with maintaining the suction. His fingers took more merciless rhythm and his other hand went up to mould your breast. 

It went from frustration to senses overload in a split second and you had no idea what was going on with you, but you could feel him on so many places simultaneously, that you felt as if he was enveloping you everywhere. 

"Mhm! Ah! Sir, please!"

Severus stopped the sucking and instead he pinched your nipple between two fingers to keep you on edge.

"What do you want?" he asked huskily and you shuddered from the question alone. 

"Please, sir! I need to- I need..." you gasped when he curled his fingers inside of you in a perfectly stimulating way.

"What do you _need_ , Ms Y/L/N?" he asked in a low growl, obviously as impatient as you.

"Make me come, sir, please!"

This time it was Severus who shivered from your words. Oh, he was certainly doing that, if it was the last thing he'd ever do.

"I see, you _can_ give precise instructions when you want to, Ms Y/L/N."

Without any more idling, he added a third finger and you groaned at the stretch. And then his mouth went to suck on you again, his moves quickened and your head went blank. You couldn't tell if it took a second, a minute or five. Next thing you knew, your orgasm hit you hard and you came screaming Sev's name.

Severus fixed his eyes on your face as you were nearing the edge and kept them there once he got you over it. His name rang loudly in his ears and it shook him to the core of his being. He felt more slick fluid come out of you and he finally distanced his mouth and finger from your sensitive flesh. You opened your eyes, once more surprised they were even closed. You found his eyes on you already and he moved the fingers, still slick from your juices, to his mouth and languidly and deliberately licked the first one from base to the tip. Then he sucked on the second one deliciously and he stopped at the third one. You were anticipating his next course of action breathlessly. Severus could feel the air filled with your expectation, and with a mildly amused, but mostly smoking hot expression, he took the third finger to his nose and inhaled deeply, closing his eyes. You couldn't understand why, but it felt dirtier than just tasting you and it made you shiver and whimper. This man was so damn sexy. 

Severus let all his senses drink from you. Your scent, your taste, your voice, your body. It was getting really uncomfortable for him and he grabbed your hips. You instinctively locked your ankles behind his waist as he scooped you up and moved you to the bed, placing you very delicately on the cool silken sheets. 

"I believe, as per your previous instructions, I'm now allowed to take you, is that right, Ms Y/L/N?"

You nodded enthusiastically and he raised an amused eyebrow at you. So eager. He lowered himself onto you and his mouth went to nip your earlobe and then he licked the shell of your ear slowly. 

"You're somewhat insatiable, aren't you, Ms Y/L/N?"

The sounds coming from you were simply delicious and Severus enjoyed them until he felt your hand run through his hair. That was a sensation very pleasurable yet he felt vulnerable. Your nails lightly grazed his scalp and he shivered all over. You watched him most attentively and were sure to store the information about this reaction safely in your brain. 

"I'm sure I'm not the only one, though, sir," you whispered and slipped your hand from his hair to his neck, while your other hand ran up from his stomach to his chest and up to join behind his neck. 

Severus couldn't wait any longer and he took himself to your slick and warm opening and slowly pushed inside while watching your face keenly. There wasn't much change in your features apart from your eyes. Your eyelids fluttered almost imperceptibly, your irises widened and your eyes got that glossy quality to them, which seemed to often appear in Severus' company. 

He didn't stop the slow movements, going back and forth, trying to hold back at the beginning but with time he realised that the slow pace allowed him to focus better on you and he started to enjoy your parted lips and quiet whimpers, your nails grazing his neck and gently travelling down his back. It was so different from everything he's experienced so far. He shifted all his weight on one hand and touched your hot skin covered with the sheen of perspiration with the other one. You were so incredibly smooth and pliable, he found a real gratification in just touching you. 

"You're so..." he wanted to finish with an adequate adjective but he couldn't just put so many things into one word. "So..." 

You smiled at him. "Inarticulate?" you teased a bit and fell in love with him all over again when he smiled back with so much tenderness you thought you imagined it for a while. 

"I don't think I can find the right word but 'divine' or 'unearthly' or 'otherwordly' could be close," he said but there was no teasing smile or any hint of amusement for that matter. He was just staring at you and his free hand came up to cradle your face in it before he took it down to your chest. His eyes followed. This wasn't the best position to continue, he decided and slipped out of you, to your displeasure. However, before you could voice it, he laid next to you and turned you on your side with your back to his and you could feel his manhood trying to slip in between your thighs from behind. You wanted to ask him what you should do but his hand was already on your inner thigh, lifting your leg so he could easily slip back into you. 

"What-" You didn't finish your question and gasped when his fingers started to circle your clit while he resumed his slow thrusting. Though shallower, it felt amazing combined with his fingerwork. And the new angle was working in his favour too. His other hand then snaked underneath you and emerged near your breast to play with your erect nipple. He really knew how to be everywhere at once.

Severus was enjoying this very much, his hands busy, his shaft sheathed inside you, surrounded by your wet warmth. His eyes trailed down the curve from your neck to your shoulder and he felt tempted to run his tongue along with it. With a bit of effort, he was able to keep on loving you and touching you while craning his head so he could place the tip of his tongue on your shoulder and slowly make way to your neck and up to your ear. 

"Sev," you moaned, his omnipresence making your whole body tremble. Severus felt like he was called upon a goddess divine. He was so enthralled by your presence he found himself prolonging this moment as much as possible, changing positions, never speeding up, just moving slowly inside and out, tasting your skin on different places and touching you. 

You were tired and your throat was dry and you absentmindedly thought to wonder for how long you were at it. Severus was also getting tired and it reminded him of the slow little torture in the shower five days ago. How similarly yet so differently he felt at the moment. His body felt the same but his mindset couldn't be further from back then. Where he felt anger and jealousy, was now a serene feeling he could drown himself in. 

"Sev," you mewled again. He changed once more to the starting missionary position and looked at you. He saw the desperate need for release etched into your features. It made his heart tighten and he finally hurried his movements and brought his hand between you to rub you and finally push you over the edge. It was so intense, you could only open your mouth mutely and dig your fingers to his arms. 

Severus felt your grip on him and watched with fascination how your body arched abruptly and your body shook violently. He held himself back and waited for your eyes to connect with his and just as you asked of him, he came with his eyes glued to yours and your name falling from his lips with a groan. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a huge problem with insufficient vocab in this chapter and I didn't find the right moment to stop so it turned out to be a bit longer than I planned. That being said, I need a day, so, most likely, THERE'LL BE NO CHAPTER TOMORROW!  
> Sorry, gals (and guys?), but this one really strained my imagination and the constant work with a synonyms dictionary was pretty stressful because I had to stop multiple times throughout the whole thing to find some... satisfactory words. Furthermore, I feel like I'm getting too cheesy so I need a bit of a distance 😌I hope you understand and hope you enjoyed this chapter 😄


	91. Chapter 91

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I was so sick of the fluff that when I wrote this chapter, originally, we broke up here!!! 😱😱😱😱 I know, scandalous!😂😂 Then I realised we're getting too back and forth and too quickly so I rewrote it into this... it feels somehow bland but... I just told myself that most relationship problems are pretty bland so why the hell not 😂😂😂  
> Also, I tried to clarify why was Severus two chapters ago so agitated about the shower sex scene... I thought to rewrite the chapter in question but then I was like... Nah, why not tell you (reader) and tell you (the character) in one go? 
> 
> Btw, is it just me or the chapters didn't get any shorter?! 🤣🤣🤣 I'm against myself here!

You were lying in the bed, both spent and content. You were displayed half across Severus' body and he placed his arm around you. You started to doodle nonsense patterns on his chest and you fell into a serene silence. Soon enough Severus mirrored your action and started to draw circles on your shoulder absentmindedly.

"You good?" he asked and you smiled at the short question he wouldn't normally use.

"I'm happy," you said and really, you felt happy. It was that good and calm kind, not ecstatic but tranquil. It felt nice.

Severus gave it a thought. Yes, happy. That seemed like the correct word to describe his feelings. There was a serene, comfortable silence and for a moment, everything seemed great. But like always, it had to end sooner or later and your mind went back to your fight.

"Do you really think you're not good for me?" you asked in a whisper and impatiently waited for his answer. He really took his time with it and you guessed you couldn't blame him. It wasn't an easy thing to answer.

In Severus' mind, there was a fierce battle even though he knew he had to tell the truth, no matter how much it rubbed him the wrong way. There was no point in denying something he said himself.

"I do," he said plainly, no emotion in his voice or on his face.

"Why?" 

He gave you that look he often gave his students when they asked an idiotic question. You frowned at him.

"Well, if it's just because you were a Death Eater then you're an imbecile, so you'd better have some valid reason," you said angrily. This time it was Severus who frowned. He also realised it was no pleasant thing to be told by the person closest to you that you're slow of wit and he recalled the sting of your slap.

"I'm no imbecile," he growled angrily.

"I know that. Which is why I presume you have some good enough reason for feeling like this."

This was something Severus avoided to talk about as much as could. He knew that someday he'd have to tell you, he just thought that day would come much later. _Much_ later.

"First of all, the fact that I was a Death Eater is a valid reason and only an imbecile would think otherwise," he shot first, assessing your reaction to that. You scoffed at his half-assed attack.

"You're offending my intelligence by making this cheap move, really. But I'll indulge you. Of course, I realise that being a Death Eater has some consequences. I saw how other professors were looking at you the first month you were here. And I'm sure, there were many things you did and you're not proud of. But that's it, isn't it? You regret it, you're trying to be better. You're a good man, Severus, I believe that. So what's the real problem?"

Severus was in awe. You were no fool indeed and he loved and feared how well you could read him. He was silent, though, no sure how to approach the subject. Luckily, you somewhat knew and weren't shy to ask.

"Is this about that time you... when we had sex in the shower?"

His keen and severe eyes looked right into yours and he looked like he was holding something back with all his might. He most likely did exactly that. 

"My father was a brute. He was the person I tortured and you have no idea how good that felt, to pay him back. For all the beatings and lashings I received, for all my mother received. For what that bastard did to her."

Severus was clenching his jaw strongly, you wondered how he could even speak. His whole body was tense and trembling. Most worrying was his eyes, hollow and furious beyond measure. 

"So... you think you're not a good person because you tortured him an enjoyed it?" you asked and as much as you tried to deny it, there was some truth to it. Normally, a person doesn't go and enjoy torturing another person, even if they bullied them and abused them. Not that you didn't think Tobias Snape deserved what happened to him. You just hated how it made another scar on the already fragile psyche of the man you loved. 

"That and..." Severus trailed off and his eyes refocused on you and you could feel his inner struggle and misery. 

"What?" you whispered and put a comforting hand on the side of his face. He closed his eyes and just exhaled and inhaled and opened them again.

"When we opened the box... the one from my mother... she wrote... she implied that my father was not only a brute and abuser but also... a rapist," he said darkly and your eyes widened in shock at the revelation. Your body stiffened and you felt a cold shiver run up your back.

"I didn't realise back then, but once I revisited some old memories... it was more than clear that it was the truth. I confirmed it in that... swine's head."

"I'm so sorry, Sev," you said and felt tears in your eyes but tried to blink them away. Then it all clicked in your head.

"So... you think you're like him? Sev, you can't be serious, you were not raping me!" you tried to argue with him desperately but you could tell your word fell on deaf ears.

"You could barely walk," he groaned and you unwillingly let out a hysterical laugh.

"Sev, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to walk tomorrow too, doesn't mean you were hurting me." It was true, you enjoyed today immensely but you were sore all over from his exhausting attention to certain parts.

"That's different!" he barked out.

"How?" you asked pointedly. He moved from under you and quickly left the bed and started pacing. His hand tussled his hair in frustration, which you'd find extremely sexy if the circumstances were better. Nah, you still found it sexy, thought you didn't dwell on the thought as long as you normally would.

"I was angry! I was so... I lost control! You might not realise it yet, Y/N, but people who lose control are... they are to be feared and for a good reason."

His argument was solid, reasonable, but you refused to give in. What he said made sense, in general, but this was Severus you were talking about and you knew him.

"You're right, Sev, but you wouldn't hurt me, I know that," you tried to tell him gently but it only made him sigh with exasperation.

"You can't know that," he growled out.

"Oh, but I do. I know that Kirtida saw us together. We were... we would be happy together. I believe that."

Severus stopped pacing and looked at you, his left hand going into his hair again, which revealed his Dark Mark to you. It wasn't the first time you saw it but somehow it caught your eyes right then and you stood up from the bed and came to Severus, your eyes fixed on his forearm. You gently took it and though you felt a bit of resistance, one look in his eyes made him relent and let you move his left hand to your lips. You kissed it and he shivered but also frowned and jerked the hand away.

"Don't do that! You don't know what you're doing, it feels sickening," he said and you held his gaze strongly.

"It might not be the best part of you or your favourite, neither is mine, but it's still a part of you. Sev, you can't just love the good things about a person, you love them as a whole."

"NO!" he said angrily and loudly. "I gave into these fantasies of romance and love you have, but this is where I draw the line. Not ever are you allowed to love... _this_ " he said with disgust as he raised his left forearm. "Never, Y/N, do you understand? I don't want you anywhere near this, much less you to love it. I hate it, absolutely despise it," he spat out with venom.

You crossed your arms in defiance, suddenly keenly aware, that while Severus somehow conjured up his briefs, you were still stark naked. You pushed all the insecurities to the back of your mind, however. 

"Tough luck then, I'm my own person and I will love whatever I want to. So if I want to love everything about you, I will. And just in case you didn't notice until now, I'm pretty stubborn in these things."

You were stubborn as hell, Severus knew that. He saw it on many different occasions but your stubborn love for him was the greatest example of all and now you were adamant about loving... _that thing_. He had no idea what to do. All the frustration demonstrated in another rake through his hair and resumed pacing. 

"This is ridiculous," he said and looked at you.

"You're right, it is. I don't understand why are you so bent on hating yourself."

"I just can't understand how can you love this!" he said angrily.

This was getting nowhere, you were running in circles.

"Look, Sev, we're jumping from this to that. Let's take a step back and look at the prime objective. You feel like you're not good because you feel like you're becoming your father, is that right? Let's leave the Dark Mark from it for now."

Severus hated it when you used the reason against him, simply because only fools would fight against reason and he was no fool. He deflated his anger and tried to clear his mind. He noted that would be way easier if you were decently clothed. And he too. He took his wand from the bedside table and with a flick of a wrist, you were both fully clothed which you also appreciated.

"You were the one who jumped out of the bed to kiss it. I agree, let's not talk nonsense, but I meant what I said, it sickens me to see you act so affectionately towards it."

It was clear that he was in a far better state of mind to talk to and so were you, honestly. 

"I can stop the affection but Sev, I can't just go on and hate it. I hate Voldemort,-" "Don't say that name!" "-I do, but I can't hate you. Not really. Not even the past you. I just want you to know that, okay? And I would really like it if you tried to love yourself a bit too."

Severus was looking at you, contemplating your plea. 

"I don't think it possible, Y/N. But if it would make you happy I can _try_..."

"That's all I'm asking for," you said with a huge grin.

\----------------------------

Since that day, things got surprisingly better. Yes, you had to deal with a few sneers in the corridors and occasionally with a bad prank. But other than that, Severus' performance made everyone believe he wasn't the least interested and your reaction made it clear that you were beyond embarrassed. Also, things between you two were... good, although a tad stranded after the last talk you had. But it was... nice. Yes, nice is the word for no sex but lots of tender touches and many shared moments, both talking and in silence. Granted, you were in no shape for action that week but... _something_ would be nice. Still, Severus was set on not touching you anywhere other than your arms and face, sometimes touching your waist most carefully. 

Meanwhile, the general Christmas Ball hype went fully into action and you had to deal with a few unpleasant... propositions. You were fairly sure that they were all indecent and none of them was meant to provide you with a nice dancing evening. For most of them, it was enough to say that you were already taken, some asked for a name. When you said Vistaria and Zachary, you noticed that they became even more relentless, thinking they have a chance with you since this was so _obviously_ a pity date. So you started to play it off as if you three were in an actual and very exclusive relationship. 

That made some of them look in horror at you, mostly the crazed blood purists who were totally scandalised by any relationship other than man-woman-purebloods intended to marry and 'breed' a new generation of same pricks. Some, however, gave you an even more creepy look but thankfully stopped trying anything.

Kirtida was over the moon from the upcoming dance, though she tried to conceal it and Vistaria was... well, Vistaria. She barely took any time to buy a dress and absolutely and resolutely rejected any attempt at getting her into high-heels. 

Apart from that, you still had no exciting news from the hospital either. The Healers are quite sure now, that your mother's mental health would need a bit more time. She's still comatose but least she's not downright crazy like the Longbottoms.

That's how a week and a half passed by until it was Wednesday, 23rd. Two days until the Christmas Ball.


	92. Chapter 92

"Hi, you're finished?" you asked as soon as you entered Sev's office and closed the door behind yourself. He looked from his desk which was littered with many parchments. It was odd to see his usually neat desk in such disarray but one look at him told you he was drained.

"Not even close," he said and even his voice was weak from fatigue. You frowned.

"Did you even sleep?" you asked him and came to his desk to at least try to help.

"Not much, the dunderheads are getting more insolent with the upcoming festivities which are also a huge pain in my arse." That was only half of the whole truth. The other was that Severus was working diligently on a special kind of potion.

You giggled at his language but quickly came to him from behind and started to massage his tired shoulders. It was pretty much the first intimate contact other than kissing since you slept together more than a week ago. Severus tensed first but the light pressure from your small fingers quickly made his muscles relax and he sighed with satisfaction. 

"This feels great, honestly," he muttered and you smiled.

"Well, maybe you just need to relax a bit."

That sentence made him stiffen again. The last time this was uttered between you two, it led to more than just massaging. 

"What is it, Sev? You tense whenever I mention any kind of intimate action and you avoid my touch like a plague," you said and tried to sound collected though you were angry and also a bit insecure. Was your last sex not to his liking to the point he no longer desired you? You quickly killed those kinds of thoughts whenever they appeared in your head but they seemed to be immortal and resurface more often with each day he didn't touch you.

"I'm just keeping... a distance," he said.

"Okay," you said slowly. "I can see that, but why?"

He knew why but he was once more with no adequate words to say it with. 

"To be good?" he asked with insecurity. To his surprise, you started to laugh.

"I would seriously like to see inside your head sometimes, Sev. So, you think that to be good for me you have to keep it in your pants or what?"

Severus frowned and quickly waved his wand in the door's direction. He was so tired he forgot to charm the room. You felt embarrassed by that. He was so obviously tired and it's not like you didn't know the spell. You could be a tad more careful and you made a mental note to cast the spell the next time you came to him.

"I don't think a decent professor would sleep with his student," he said and he had a point.

"Touché, but we're not just student and teacher, Sev. This is way more complicated than that and you know it. We were friends before you became a professor, I fell in love with you before you became a professor. Come on, I did some... research and want to show you the results."

The mischievous twinkle in your eyes told him exactly what nature your research was and he couldn't help but immediately think about _how_ you conducted the said research. He raised one brow in suspicion. It didn't cross his mind before, but could you have gone looking for pleasure elsewhere when he wasn't willing to give it himself?

"Research?" he asked slowly and couldn't keep the hint of jealous rage out of his voice. You caught onto his mood quickly and smirked.

"Just research, there was no... _hands-on_ experimentation, if that's what you fear. Though, if you really are concerned about that, maybe you should fill all my... experimentation needs by yourself."

He knew you were teasing him and he sensed another little roleplay in the air. Well, you did tell him you intended to make the most of your student-teacher status.

"I think that should suit my needs as well," he said in line with your taunt. You smiled at him and pushed him to lean back on his seat so you could straddle him. It was tight between the wooden desk and his body but you liked how pressed together you two were, though the table in your back wasn't the most pleasant thing.

Severus let his tired eyes roam your face and his heavy arms lifted lazily to caress your thighs. He went for a kiss but you put a finger to his lips to stop his motion and shook your head a no with a smile.

"Today, I'm taking care of you, love. You need a proper massage," you said and moved your hips onto him to create friction. He let out a groan and you felt his fingers dig a little deeper into your thighs.

"A proper massage," he repeated. "Was that the subject of your study?" 

"Very much so, sir, and I'd like to be graded by you. Maybe you could even pinpoint some... weaker parts of the performance. I'm aiming to get an E at the finals."

You could already feel Severus twitch and harden beneath you and saw him gulp down.

"I'd say you're already _Exceeding expectations,_ Ms Y/L/N, simply by making research on this subject."

It was difficult for Severus to stop himself on his best days and this was definitely not one of those. After the week and a half, he had to deprive himself of your touch and only filled his head with you when alone, after all the long hours he had to pull because of that stupid ball, he was too weak to fight this. The image of your hands on his tired body was far too tempting and so he just closed his eyes with a sigh and when he opened them he saw your exhilarated smile. 

"Oh, you flatter me, sir."

You pulled out your wand and moved it slowly from his neck along his buttons down. They all plopped opened and you were elated. Severus noticed the expression and only then realised you didn't say any words and his robes were now opened and his chest on full display. Severus was very proficient in magic and by his standards, it should be a common thing for seventh years to cast spells nonverbally, but as a professor, he quickly found out not many could actually do it. So he couldn't help but feel proud of you at that moment too. 

You waved your wand again to push aside the heavy wooden table and create some manipulation space. Then you put down your wand and finally placed your hands on his smooth pale pecs. As you went down slowly, enjoying the feel of his lean muscles beneath your hand, you curled a finger as it went along his nipple and grazed it lightly with a fingernail. You watched most dutifully for his reaction, but there was nothing but one deeper inhale, which could also be from surprise or in a worse case, boredom. Anyway, you had to find some other sensitive spots if nipples didn't work for him. You moved your hands down and to his sides but he suddenly convulsed and quickly grabbed your hands. 

"What is it?" you asked in bewilderment. Severus frowned. This was always some sort of a taboo for him and he never allowed any of his earlier... bed-mates to touch the area between his stomach and sides.

"It tickles," he growled frustratingly and you raised both eyebrows with surprise and smiled.

"Okay," you just said with no teasing remark and moved your hands from his hold on you. Placing them on his hips made you anchored enough to slide your body further from him to sit almost on his knees. His trousers were too tight, that was for sure. Your hands moved along the waistline to the front to open them and once you did you put one teasing finger on his member, still covered in briefs. 

"Are you trying to make me go mad or make me relax? You're doing great at the former, not so much the latter."

You certainly lost the original objective and wanted to tease him but this wasn't the time or place. This was about making him get his mind off of Christmas Ball and on to you. You slid off of him and pushed his knees apart to kneel between them, your eyes on his face the whole time. Then you looked down at him and pushed your hand inside his underpants.

He groaned out as you felt him a few times and you were becoming more and more irritated by the clothes he still had on which restricted your movements. Before you could grab your wand, however, there was knock on the door and on instinct you pulled your hand out and hid under the table, which was a very good move considering the person beyond the door didn't really wait for being invited in. 

Severus didn't even have time to make adjustments to his clothes and so he just put his robe over his uncovered nakedness and quickly pulled the chair closer to the table to hide it and you underneath it, just in time before Minerva opened the door and came in. 

"Oh, Severus, we need your help-" she started but stopped when she really looked at the young man behind the desk. "Oh, dear, you look... terrible."

"Thanks... some students were playing 'ball' at night before the actual ball," he groaned out. This was giving him a headache it was so damn frustrating that you were interrupted just as it was about to get good!

"I see," the older woman said and her face showed pity. Then she looked at the pile of papers and parchments. "Nevermind, we'll manage. You should take some rest."

"Thank you," he said, and it was probably the most sincere thing the woman ever heard him say, and she even counted the years he attended as a student. 

You were underneath the desk and felt so tempted to tease Severus but at the same time you couldn't risk the exposure and he was so tired you didn't want to add to his stress. When the door finally closed behind McGonagall, Severus quickly pushed the chair to look down at you.

"Are you okay?" he asked and you just nodded. You went on your knees again and took the forgotten wand there. Both of you frowned at the same time and you looked at him.

"Do you think she noticed?" you asked fearfully and Severus had no idea how to answer. He put two fingers to the root of his nose to press it and relieve the headache but it did nothing to help. Suddenly his trousers and underpants were down at his ankles and he heard a lock of his door. He opened his eyes and saw you putting your wand next to you and once more, your hands were on his knees and parted them, this time your eyes intently staring at his hard-on. 

You put your hands on him gingerly. One around his base to pump him slightly, while a finger from your other hand went to tease the slit on his head. Severus made a throaty sound which surprised even himself. He was no stranger to these kinds of pleasures, yet, if this was your first time doing this, he had to admit you were a natural. He didn't expect you to be so... proficient, even with your little research.

You moved the upper hand down to his balls, playing with them softly while still pumping him up and down and then you even tugged on them a bit to elicit a hiss from Sev. Hard to say if good or bad. You could see his hands gripping the armrests of the wooden chair and his black eyes staring at you.

This was getting you all wet and squirmy but you tried to not think of it and focus on Severus. It was, however, very hard since you were so badly neglected and untouched for these past ten days. You wanted to feel him more than just in your hands and so, without a second thought, you neared your head to him and licked the head of his shaft, slowly and purposefully. It was a musky, salty taste and you only then noticed there was a drop of liquid there. You thought about that taste, for a moment wondering how you tasted on his tongue when he licked you.

For his part, Severus was shaking with anticipation after the first lick, waiting for your next move. In this new quest of being a better man for you, it was completely out of question, he would force you to do anything you felt uncomfortable with. On the other hand, the image of your lips around him was making him ache with desire. He thought he would start to thank whatever greater force out there when you really put your lips on him and kissed the head of his member. Admittedly, that was a first for Severus. No one ever kissed him there. His manhood was licked and sucked and even bitten but never kissed. It was a strange feeling, almost not a feeling at all, only a visual, yet it was so sweet and distinctly you.

You went from the kiss to encircle him with your lips and then went down, down... until you felt you gaging reflex kick in. So, you were definitely not one of those lucky ones who didn't have it. Nevermind, plenty of time getting used to it later, you thought and went up.

Severus definitely blanked out for a moment when it looked like you'd take him whole in your mouth. Though that wouldn't be the case, he appreciated the effort you were clearly making. He could feel and see your head bob up and down, your hand around his base holding him firmly, but not to inflict any discomfort and your other hand opted to touch the area around, playing with the black hair, tugging on it, caressing his inner thigh, moulding his balls, scratching your nail on the sensitive skin. Severus barely even registered his own voice, which was definitely doing something. At one moment, he would swear he said your name and you moaned with him inside your warm wet mouth and it made such a tender vibrancy it made him shake. He was near, he felt it.

You also felt it and you increased the tempo and attempted to create a suction. That caught Severus a bit unprepared and before he could warn you, he spilt his load inside your mouth. You were both wide-eyed, but once again, before he could say anything, you swallowed and gave him a timid smile. Severus was befuddled by that shyness after what you just did. It felt contradictory and yet again, distinctly you.

You went up to your feet, noting your slightly grazed knees. Great accessory for the ball, you thought to yourself with sarcasm and then you moved towards the mirror to enter his chambers.

"What are you doing?" he asked simply, fully clothed already and you smiled at him, this time not even a bit shy.

"I'm going to your bed to take care of myself now, I'm wet and needy. You're more than welcome to watch me, though I can guarantee it's gonna be a very short show."

Severus smirked but such a proposition was not to be turned down. He went inside just in time to see you bending over as you were slipping down your knickers. You displayed yourself on his bed, right in the middle and he simply stood in the doorway and watched. You were right, it was very short, took you a few strokes and not even a minute but the thought that you were this needy and horny after giving him a blow job was a piece of information he would save and never forget. 

You were about to get up and go to wash but Severus went into your way and took your two wet fingers and put them in his mouth to clean them.

"I think I'd like to clean the rest of you this way too."

You shivered at his words but shook your head.

"Not today, Sev, you're exhausted and you need to rest. I definitely hope to do something similar soon but let's just get into bed and sleep for a while."

Oh, he was definitely drained, in more than one sense of the word, but with your taste still on his tongue, it was simply too tempting and so he just picked you up and tossed you unceremoniously on the bed again. You yelped and then giggled when he quickly crawled up to you. Your giggles died as soon as you felt him lick you. He was very precise and quick as if he thirsted for you. It was only a few strokes of his tongue to replace the slick wetness with the quickly drying wetness of his saliva.

"Hmm," he purred with satisfaction and before he went up your body, he very purposefully nudged your love-nub with his nose. Though you were postorgasmic, it made you moan. What a tease! you thought.

He laid next to you with a smile and noticed your frown.

"What?" he asked innocently

You raised one finger. "Clothes off." Then you raised a second one. "Don't tease me before sleep."

He smiled at you and complied with your wishes. You both fell asleep, cuddled in each other's arms and you felt like everything was back to how it's supposed to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all:  
> I FEEL LIKE A PORN SCREENWRITER!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm gonna ease on the graphic stuff a bit. That reminds me... I'm gonna rate this E after this chapter 😂😂 I can no longer deny it and it's also very fitting... Exceeding Expectations, indeed 🤭
> 
> Second:  
> Why am I writing such long chapters?! 😭😭😭 but seriously, help me here... do you think there's a point in this chapter where it could be cut in half into two chapters? the only place which seems plausible is when McGonagall enters but it would definitely create a hangover...  
> NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE SHORT! seriously, just some gift-giving and a bit of Daniel-Kirtida and that's it 😂😂
> 
> Thank you all for your support and, hopefully, you'll stay even after I ease on the smut 😁


	93. Chapter 93

Since 24th was officially the beginning of the Christmas holiday and you woke up in a warm embrace of your lover, you felt like not leaving the bed at all.

"Good morning," he whispered huskily into your ear when he noticed you were awake. You made some incoherent sound in response and he laughed. That woke you up and you looked at his smiling face.

"I could get used to waking up to this," you said with your own smile. This made Severus falter and stiffen. He could get used to this too but the thought once more reminded him of the vision where you were happily expecting. As wonderful as that was, it also made him think of being a parent. A father. It always made him shiver. He shook it off, if that vision was about to get true, it would be for a future Severus to worry about.

"I could get used to sleeping like this," he admitted. It was incomprehensible how good his sleep was when you were next to him and how well-rested he felt. He felt you cuddling closer to him and he was more than welcoming the feeling of your body pressed to his. 

"I love this," you whispered.

"As much as I agree, I wouldn't press so much if you're not looking for a morning exercise."

You laughed and kissed him.

"As a matter of fact, I wouldn't mind."

\-------------------

After you both broke a sweat you washed up in the shower, separately, though you tried to tempt Severus in. You suspected he would never be fully convinced to go to the shower with you and you made a mental note to buy a bath if you two were ever living together. 

You were about to leave, but Severus came to you and held out a small wrapped box. You looked at him with quizzical eyes.

"You know that gift-giving is usually on 25th, right?" you asked.

"I know, but I'll be busy tomorrow," he said with an apparent disgust and you giggled. The gift was wrapped up neatly in a grey paper, which, upon closer inspection, had a very decent glitter on it. Forest green ribbon. He was clearly faithful to his and your house. That suited you well since your gift was wrapped in a similar fashion.

"Can I open it now?" you asked with excitement and Severus just shrugged his shoulders though he really wanted to see your expression. You started to carefully loosen the ribbon but once that was gone you just tore the paper with childish joy. It was one of the best parts about gifts you thought. It made Severus' corners tug at the silly spectacle. 

You opened the dark wood box which you unwrapped and inside were two phials. You took the first one and inspected it.

"Am I supposed to know what this is?" you asked carefully, feeling a bit like you're being tested.

"No, not that one. It's a... personal brew. It's to invigorate the mind and help with... mental maladies. I worked on it for quite some time, ever since my mother decided to evict me from home. I thought she was just... sick and needed help. Anyway, I thought, that maybe it could help _your_ mother."

Your eyes bulged out and you felt so many emotions. You carefully placed the phial back so it wouldn't break and just as carefully put the whole box down on a near shelf. You threw yourself at Severus and kissed him. 

He felt your fingernails scraping his scalp lightly near his neck and embraced you tightly, deepening the kiss before releasing your lips. Your eyes were glossy and you had a tight smile on your face, probably trying to reign your emotions in. 

"Thank you, Sev, this means a lot."

He wasn't used to gratitude. He was occasionally praised for a work well done, but there was never even an ounce of gratitude. Not from the Dark Lord, nor the Headmaster. It made him feel really good about himself. Like he finally did something right. 

You sniffed and looked back to the box, not willing to let go of Severus quite yet.

"What's the other one for?" you asked and though he wanted you to go and study it, he could see you were feeling like staying in his arms longer and he certainly wasn't about to complain.

"Invisibility Potion."

Another shocked reaction from you. 

"Isn't that extremely difficult to make? Not mentioning the ingredients are... rather rare and expensive."

Severus just shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly but you were not buying it.

"Sev, did you make it yourself?" And another thing occurred to you. "Is that why you were so tired lately? Why you didn't want to _do anything_? Wait, is this supposed to be for me so I can sneak in and out of your place whenever I want to safely?" 

Your rapid-fire of questions made Severus both a bit irritated and amused and he simply kissed you to silence the rambling. 

"You're a clever young witch," he said and tapped your nose with his forefinger. The playful gesture made you giggle, you loved playful Severus. "I made a whole batch but since I don't think it would be wise to let you store the whole thing, I'll keep the rest with me and you can refill when you'll be leaving me."

You smirked at him with that mischievous glint in your eyes.

"So, basically, you're telling me to use it _exclusively_ when going to you," you said and he looked aside with frown, which made you laugh.

"I'm still your professor, I can't have you running around the castle invisible to create trouble," he said. 

"Sure, whatever you say, Sev. But really, I love the gift. Thank you."

You kissed his cheek and sighed.

"Well, my gift's in my room. Let me..." you trailed off and summoned the gift with _Accio_ from your room and gave it to him. Took the heavy rectangular gift in dark green wrappers with a black satin ribbon with a delicate silver zig-zag pattern. "It's not much... but I had no idea what to give you," you said sheepishly. 

Severus started to unwrap his gift with deliberate and precise movements. It was enthralling, the way he could move his fingers so elegantly. 

Severus had no idea what to expect, though he had a fair idea that your gift was a book, a huge and heavy book by the looks of it. He uncovered a huge and heavy book, as he per expectation, with no apparent title but in very fone black leather and ornate silver fitting. He inspected the book for any hidden secrets but found none.

"Open it," you prompted him with an unsure smile and your lower lip between your teeth. Adorable, Severus thought against his better judgement and opened the thick book on the first page.

"The Grimoire of House Snape," he read and looked at you in disbelieve.

"Well, I thought, since you created some new spells... and you make new potion recipes too... you're basically the first Snape with magic if we leave out your mother so... I don't know..." 

You were rumbling a lot and you had no idea if he liked the gift or not since his face gave away no emotion at all. Severus looked inside and found blank pages there to be filled. Much like many things you do your gift was both thrilling and terrifying by the same measures. House Snape... he would have to produce offsprings for it to mean anything. What a truly terrifying thought. Then again, the idea of starting a lineage of wizards and witches who would engrave their magical proficiency into the book, filling it up witch success. Severus threw his ambitions away pretty much as soon as he agreed to be a teacher but this new prospect, this new way of fulfilling that hunger for greatness was very thrilling. 

"You don't like it," you said miserably after few minutes of his quiet staring and he woke up from his daydreaming.

"No, that's not it. It just... made me think of... some things," he said and then tried to smile a reassuring smile. It was so fake you had to chuckle but you appreciated his endeavour to make you feel better.

"I know, for a fact, that I'm a crappy gift-giver. You don't need to pity me so much. If you have anything you'd like better I can exchange it and-" Your hand moved to grab the book but he got it out of your reach with a jerk.

"I like it," he said and you looked at him doubtfully. "I do," he growled out. 

Though Severus had a busy day and you two couldn't meet, he came to his bed, tired and about fell asleep before his head touched the pillow, but his last thought went to the empty book on his nightstand and he dreamed it full of written text.


	94. Chapter 94

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Christmas Ball, prepared in some sort of celebration of Voldemort's demise, IT'S NOT A YULE BALL FROM TRIWIZARD'S TOURNAMENT! And if you're wondering about the 'purple and green', they are the 'official' wizards colours - check out Wizarding World (Pottermore)

The Great Hall was... simply breathtaking. It was as if glitter was floating around the hall and everything was in tasteful tones of purple and green, the green mostly accomplished by lots of, well, greenery. Many different types of pines, spruces and fir trees. Additionally, there was quite a lot of leaves and stolons of ivy and holly. There were soft lights in the air as if they released thousands of fireflies in the room. The tables and chairs were from actual ice, enchanted to not melt under the hot bodies of students and teachers. 

"This is..." Vistaria started with a clear distaste.

"A lot," you finished for her. It was amazing and somehow it even deepened your sadness about not having a chance to dance with your love. You looked at your right to Zachary, who was gallantly leading you and Vistaria to a surprisingly free table. There was an official beginning to this but you three decided it's going to be hard enough to suffer through the whole thing even if you came an hour later and so you went into an already started event, though it didn't look much like it.

"I always thought you girls enjoyed these things," Zachary said as he untangled his arms form yours and pulled a chair, first for Vistaria, which was a smart move because she wouldn't have waited if he went to you first, and then for you and you gave him a small smile of appreciation. 

"So, where is the rest of your band?" Vistaria asked Zachary who only made a face.

"Gemma is with Tedd... somewhere. I just hope she's not doing anything stupid. And Dan is with your girl somewhere," he said and looked around if he could spot them. 

"Please, Prewett, explain this to me. Why is Cowley even a part of your bunch? He's a piece of garbage and seriously... if you even have to worry about Rippley doing something stupid with him... I mean, she's one of you, would he really do her dirty like the rest of his poor victims?" Vistaria asked in all seriousness and Zachary sighed.

"He wouldn't do her dirty. That's the problem, she's still in love with Dan and she would definitely do him dirty, even if unknowingly. The poor sod has it bad for her, practically from the third year, but she never really gave him the attention," Zachary explained and you and Vistaria were both in shock.

"What? Todd is into Gemma? For real?" you asked incredulously. 

"Doesn't make a difference for me. He's scum and it would only serve him right if he got heartbroken," Vistaria said with so much venom in her tone you looked at her in shock and even Zachary frowned at her.

"Did you-" he started but Vistaria shot him a nasty glare.

"I didn't sleep with him if that's what you're about to aks. I'm not stupid. Not anymore."

Zachary probably didn't understand where this was coming from but your mind already went back to that madman Jacob. 

"Hey, guys!" you heard Kirtida's chipper voice and you and Zachary tried to match her enthusiasm while Vistaria was collecting her hurt pride, she was reminded of. 

"You look dashing," you said in Daniel's way. "Of course, the lady still outshines you by dozens," you added quickly, giving an appreciative look to Kirtida's stunning pale yellow dress. She was definitely notable since everyone else went for rich Christmas colours or winter tones. She was like a ray of sunshine, much like her personality.

"I can't argue with that," Daniel said cheesily and Kirtida smiled brightly at him. You felt a pang of jealousy and your eyes went around the room in search of the black tall figure. You found him in the corner of the room, unsurprisingly, his eyes on you already.

Vistaria spied on your little moment and saw the longing in your eyes. 

"You're ridiculous, you know. Once you're out of here, you two can marry and live happily. It's just a dance, don't screw what you have for it," she tried to support you with her own tough-love style. You knew she was right, what's one dance in comparison to a life together, right? But still, this was so unfair.

"What?" Zachary asked, being the only one who wasn't included in the knowledge of your love life.

"How would you like a dance with McGonagall?" Kirtida asked him instead.

"What?!" he asked, even more confused. Daniel caught up quickly.

"I think I wouldn't mind going for her but let's wait until a bit later to the night when people are more... relaxed and the dance floor fuller," he said and motioned with his head towards the almost empty space with like five couples in the middle of the room. "For now, my lady?" he asked and stretched his hand towards Kirtida, who took it with a giggle and they went for the dance floor. 

"Where is everyone?" Zachary asked.

"Lots of the Slytherins are back home with their parents... or without them, in case they were locked up in Azkaban. As for the rest... some feel like celebrating with their families rather than here. But still, I saw the people leaving yesterday... there should be more people here," you say and can't help but feel bad for the staff who worked so diligently for this to happen when not only a third of students is attending. 

"I heard there's another 'party'. Someone thought it a great idea to do since all the teachers are here," Daniel said and you looked at him with surprise.

"Come again?" you asked, obviously angry and Vis already stood up to appease your raging emotions. 

"Calm down, you can't really blame them. You'd be there too if..." she trailed off and looked at you pointedly. You smirked.

"Well, there's no such thing as a good old-fashioned Slytherin snitch," you said and was about to go to the teachers and tell them what's going on.

"Don't be mean, Y/N!" Dan shouted after you and you stopped in your tracks. Maybe... You turned to him and came back with a new plan which would actually suit everyone better.

"Okay, here's what's about to happen. You go to the party and tell them that I'm about to snitch on them and they'd better pack things up and move their sorry asses here because who won't attend will look suspicious in the professors' eyes," you said and he looked at you as if you grew a second head.

"Gal, you're deviously smart. Remind me to never cross you," Zachary said and Daniel nodded, while Kirtida started to laugh and Vistaria just smirked. 

"Okay! We're going!" Kirtida exclaimed and dragged Daniel with her.

"I'm waiting twenty minutes and then I'm telling, I mean it. So you two better not snog too much on your way there," you said with a smirk quickly before they departed and Kirtida just stuck her tongue out at you.

\--------------

Kirtida went out of the Great Hall and her smile faded off. She had an awesome time with Daniel but there was something which needed addressing and she dreaded the moment.

"Are you angry with me? For... earlier?" she asked after a deep breath. Daniel frowned a bit.

"For?" he asked.

"How I... backed away," she said and Daniel chuckled.

"I mean, what kind of reputations do we Griffindors have in Slytherin? Do you think I'd force you to kiss me when you don't want to?" Kirtida smiled weakly at that.

"Pretty bad, honestly. Your friend isn't helping it. But that's no it... just... I thought you might be... disappointed?"

They were going slowly through the corridors and Daniel thought about it.

"I guess I kinda was," he said slowly, "but hey, I get it, you said you never dated anyone. I just figured this may be a bit too quick for you."

Kirtida stopped in her tracks in surprise and smiled softly.

"Hey Dan," she called after him and he stopped ad turned to her just in time to catch her as she tripped over her own dress when she tried to run to him.

"Be careful!" he said a bit more harshly than he wanted to but when Kirtida looked at him she still had a sheepish smile and quickly, before she lost her resolution, she kissed him. It was a chaste and brief kiss and Daniel barely registered it so when she was retreating he held her closer to him and kissed her. Just to be sure he just didn't dream it up. His kiss was definitely more advanced and he slowly moved his lips to lead her carefully. When he felt like deepening the kiss, he parted from her. He didn't want to overwhelm her form the start. One look at her flushed cheeks and wide eyes told him that might be a bit harder than he thought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And sorry for the late update! Was a bit busy and uncreative to be honest 😅


	95. Chapter 95

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really tried and wanted to describe the dress/gown we would have here BUT... I know that everyone likes something else and also it's really hard to pick a universal colour and cut that would suit all body types and skin colours, hence there's no description of what we wear and you just imagine whatever you feel good in 😉

You waited patiently for ten minutes before you felt a hand on your knee and jerked your head quickly to Vistaria. 

"Stop fretting so much, your nervous leg is faster than a hippogriff."

You sighed with frustration and turned to Zachary who was staring into a half-filled glass. You didn't really know much about the guy. He was always polite but he wasn't much of a talker.

"So, why are you here with us?" you asked him and it took him a while to register you and understand that you're talking to him. 

"Leave him, he has his own head in the clouds. Seriously, you two are the worst ball partners," Vistaria complained with a loud and quite dramatic sigh and you smirked at her.

"You didn't expect me to be any fun, you're not that naive," you told her and she scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"True. Prewett, stop staring into that glass and get me to the dance floor," she basically ordered and Zachary sighed but stood up from the chair and took her to the slowly filling space of dancing pairs. He was an outstanding dancer, better even than her, which is something since Vistaria's family was inclined to the snobbish lifestyle and had dancing lessons since very little. You eased your eyes into the general splendour of dancing pairs to the Vienna Waltz, the slightly quicker tempo letting the free skirts of the gowns and dresses float around the dancers. You watched with satisfaction that within the next five minutes there was a big increase in students.

As the evening and dance progressed, many people were feeling bolder and more free-spirited, which was certainly by no small part the fault of spiked pumpkin punch, the professors had no idea about for over an hour.

"Is it time?" you asked and Vistaria and Daniel looked at you with a smirk, Kirtida practically running from Dan's lap towards the teachers and Zachary frowned.

"Time for what? What is this about?" he asked. 

"I want to dance with S... Professor Snape," you said as casually as you could and truthfully. Zachary chuckled.

"Come again?" he asked with mirth. "You _want_ to dance with the..." he trailed off and looked at Daniel, remembering the long night when his friend complained about your crush. Dan nodded and Zachary's changed into a comical grimace of shock and disgust.

"For real?! _Him_?!" 

"Watch it," you hissed at him, suddenly feeling defensive. Vistaria looked at Zachary.

"I thought _you_ would be judge-free about who likes who," she said and raised a brow and Zachary frowned. 

"Okay, you want to tell me something? You've been throwing hints at me for some time now," he said and raise to his feet with agitation. He wavered and tried to catch balance, making it obvious he had a tad too much of the punch. Vistaria rolled her eyes.

"I don't think you'd thank me if I said what I think here and now. Sit down, you're in no condition to dance anyway."

Zachary listened to her and the rest of us was just watching the scene, bafflement clear on our faces.

"Don't," Vistaria warned as Dan was about to ask something. "I'm going for Flitwick, Dan takes McGonagall and Kir-"

"I wanted Flitwick!" she whined so loudly that some people looked at her and Dan gave her an amused side look.

"Okay, whatever, I'll take Kettleburn," Vistaria conceded and looked at you. "I don't need to tell you, right?" She smirked at you and you responded in kind. 

\-------------------

Severus was watching the absolute bore of the ball from the quiet dark corner, not too keen to get invited for a dance by any of her colleagues. Not that he presumed he'd get invited, but better be safe than sorry. Once you appeared in the room, his eyes travelled your figure from head to toe and back. Stunning. Severus felt his blood boil with excitement and desire just by looking at you. However, it was a different kind of desire. He didn't feel the usual tightness in his pants, well, maybe just a little, but the main feeling was the strange constriction in his heart and quickened breathing. 

Of course, on the outside, he looked collected as if nothing was going on. He really took it upon himself to keep all his emotions under a tight lid. Then you looked at him and he saw the small sadness in your eyes and felt the urge to go to you and hug you. The moment was ruined as one of your friends called on you. He watched with curiosity the changes in your expression and it was becoming clear you were distressed and then downright furious as you stood up, striding towards the teachers. 

He heard the little imp, _Woodlock_ , he tried to correct himself in his mind, no longer feeling the animosity towards the boy like he did once. The boy shouted at you to not be mean and Severus could see yet another change in your expression. This was what captivated him, that little moment when you were thinking, planning something in your head. He saw it on a very few occasions but it pleased him to see you were capable of using your brain properly. It filled him with pride and sense of accomplishment, his treacherous mind always supplying him with sentences like 'That's my girl' and suchlike. 

The rest of the evening went similarly, Severus enjoying his view of you, though he could see you being restless in your seat. He realised you barely went to the dance floor, dancing only the two obligatory dances with Woodlock and Prewett who were with you and then two with your girlfriends, when the rhythm got more upbeat. 

He noted a sudden change in the atmosphere in your little group as you started to debate with Prewett and he also noticed the guy is tipsy and frowned. He looked around the room and with some disdain realised he's not the only one. He must have been focused real hard on you to not detect it sooner. He almost went to alert the other teachers but when he looked at their table, he decided it would be pointless as they were also in a joyous mood. 

Suddenly the music changed back to the more elegant and dignified tunes, which was odd and he looked at your friend leaving the enchanted instruments and going straight for the table full of teachers, pulling Silvanus Kettleburn out of his chair. Your other friend was already leading Filius to the dance floor with loud giggles and Woodlock was just bowing to Minerva.

"May I have this dance, sir?" your voice rang in his proximity and he turned to you. Even more breathtaking up close. He raised one brow.

"Is this really wise?" he asked and your smile faltered.

"My friends-"

"I know, quite clever. But after the scene we made in the Great Hall, I don't think I should accept this dance."

Your head hung low in disappointment. He was right, this wasn't exactly following the story you two made up. Severus looked around and then back at your tear-filled eyes. He schooled his expression into a scowl.

"But since you would so obviously make another scene if I didn't go, I guess, I have no other choice," he growled and though he was glad for the opportunity to dance with you, he kept his face frowned. He took your hand carefully and joined the rest of the dancing pairs.

You were gleeful but tried to calm your excitement and keep it to the minimum. Once Severus put a hand on your lower back, however, you couldn't help the tender smile and a little, quiet sigh of content. Severus almost lost his cool seeing it, almost. You two started to move to the rhythm. Normally, Severus would try to enjoy the dance for being with you, but he knew he should look like he's enjoying the dance rather than you and so he made long elegant steps. He looked very regal and though to you it felt a bit affected, you joined in his proud stance and tried to match his elegance, both in movements and expression. 

Zachary watched you waltzing around the dance floor from his chair and in his slightly hazy mind, he had to admit, that Professor Snape looked very graceful and almost princely when dancing. He guessed he could understand the appeal but his eyes trailed to Daniel and McGonagall, then at Kirtida with Flitwick and he sighed. His eyes then darted towards Vistaria. He really needed to talk with that girl in privacy. 

The dance was way too short for you, though you think you saw Vistaria wave her wand in the instruments' direction once it looked like they were finishing the piece and they smoothly flowed into a repetition. As the last notes died out, you realised you haven't spoken one word during the enchanting dance and regretted your missed chance.

"Thank you for the dance," you whispered sadly. Severus nodded shortly, his expression hard, but you could see in his deep eyes how much he wanted this to continue too. 

"You look... exquisite tonight," he said uncomfortably. He wouldn't be so expressive normally, but he felt the need to tell you since he couldn't show you. Your corners twitched, your face about to break into a gleeful smile but you also had to act accordingly and you just nodded.

"Thank you. You're very handsome as well," you replied, though his only change in attire was that he took slightly better robe. But the other thing different on him was the small satin 'kerchief in his pocket, which you noticed as soon as you approached him and it filled your heart with love to see him carrying your gift for all to see.

You wanted to leave but Severus tightened his hold on your hand and you looked at him questioningly. 

"Come tonight, use my gift," he mumbled, trying to move his lips as little as possible because he felt an intense stare on him. You nodded with excitement in your eyes and you two parted.

Midnight couldn't come fast enough for you after that and you already saw yourself in his arms at night. Severus felt more or less the same, eager to leave the crowd behind and hold you close. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I don't know how plausible it would be in Britain in 1980' to dance with your professors at all... but given it's a Wizarding World I took an approach which is possible in my country at these days (I, for example, danced with many teachers on my graduation party). I don't know other countries' policies and don't know if in your country it wouldn't be frowned upon but... you know what? Take it as a part of the general MAGIC 😁😁😁 Also, in the HP movies, McGonagall danced with Ron when she was demonstrating the dance so I guessed it would be okay.  
> BTW, can you imagine Snape doing the same?! Teaching Slytherins how to dance? 😂😂😂 I bet he didn't because Slytherin is so 'posh' in JKR view that they would all already know how to dance...
> 
> Also, Prof Kettleburn... for those of you who don't know, he was a COMC teacher before Hagrid got the job in Harry's third year.


	96. Chapter 96

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, this got dark fast so...
> 
> !!WARNING!! RAPE of a side character!! There's a warning in the story too so you can choose to read until it happens and enjoy at least half of this chapter. The details won't be important for understanding the next chapter, just the fact that it happened so feel free to skip it if you don't feel comfortable reading about it. 
> 
> ...and I need to change warnings on this thing again...😫

Around midnight, Dumbledore stood up and officially ended the ball. There were groans and whines in the room from the students who still wanted to go on but most of the teachers looked like could fell right into their beds and so it was absolutely non-negotiable. Zachary, in a much more sober state, quickly found Vistaria and grabbed her arm.

"We should talk," he said and she looked at him, her face stoic.

"Now?" she asked. Zachary thought about it but nodded.

"Now, I still have the liquid courage in the system and I feel like I'm going to need it." Vistaria nodded to that and looked around.

"Come with me."

She led out the way into a corridor, which doesn't lead to any of the Common Rooms and hence shouldn't be busy at the time. 

"It should be quick anyway," she mumbled partly for herself and looked into Zachary's eyes. "Are you into Daniel?" she asked and watched the boy's mouth tighten and one of his eyelids twitch.

"What gave it away?" he asked simply, though his voice was slightly trembling. Vistaria thought about it.

"I don't know... not just one single thing but... the way you look at him, the way you look at Kirtida, you told me that there's no way you'd fall for me and the way you said it... how you were so sure that no matter which girl would you go with, you would hurt her eventually... I just had a hunch and you played into it."

Zachary nodded. 

"You think anyone else knows?" he asked, worrying his lip between his teeth. Vistaria scoffed.

"That munch of love-sick puppies can't see further than their own romance. I wouldn't worry too much."

Zachary nodded in understanding and actually felt a bit better. He stressed about this so much the whole night, it felt very freeing to get the load off his shoulders.

"Don't-"

"Of course, I won't tell. It's none of my business really. Your parents know?" 

Zachary scoffed.

"Yeah, sure. They might not be blood-purists but they surely aren't _that_ understanding."

"Surely?" she asked and raised a brow and Zachary frowned.

"This, bloke liking blokes, is frowned upon even among Muggles... you think our stiff, archaic world is more benevolent?" he asked with disdain and Vistaria made a noise of understanding. She was pretty much told last summer to start looking into pureblood families for a future husband by her parents. This world really was straining.

"It's just guys then?" she asked and the question confused Zachary.

"What do you mean?"

"You like guys exclusively? Not both?" she asked to clarify. Zachary thought about it.

"No idea... never thought about it. Daniel was the first and only one... I don't think I ever fancied anyone else, guy or gal." Vistaria smirked.

"So you jack off to Dan exclusively?" she asked with a tease and Zachary frowned but he didn't say anything because he would have to confirm it. Vistaria understood and patted him on the shoulder, intending to leave. Zachary felt like he should stop her. Like he should say something because this was an awkward end of discussion.

"Thanks for the talk and for not telling anyone."

Vistaria didn't even stopped or looked back and just raised her hand and made a lazy gesture in the air, saying 'yeah, whatever'. Zachary smiled. It felt good to have someone who knew and didn't judge. He never would have guessed this aloof girl would become his first ally but he found it sort of fitting.

\----------------

You were so excited you practically ran out of the Great Hall and into the dorms. You went through your things quickly and found the small vial with silver liquid and downed it quickly. Then you went through the Common Room and thought you were the biggest dummy for drinking it before getting out. The room was full of people who left close to no space for any invisible people to go through unnoticed. You went back to your dorm and waited patiently for what felt like an eternity. First to come in was Vistaria and she went right for the shower. You tried to sneak out then, the number of students definitely smaller but not too small so it wouldn't be too suspicious for the door to open.

You went out and barely dodged a laughing couple who was about to enter. You went quickly down the corridor towards Severus' office. It occurred to you only then, that the potion was most likely wasted for this visit. There were still students around so no teacher would reprimand you and you were quite sure a simply Disillusionment Charm would do the trick in the dark corridors. 

**Warning: rape scene!**

You stopped when you heard a rustling from one of the side corridors and then a whine of protest. You peaked into the dark went quietly towards what looked like a couple making out. You were about to leave them to it but then you noticed a strange kind of movement and a muffled sound which didn't exactly appear to be pleasurable. You came even closer and as your eyes got used to the dark, you clearly saw an unsettling image. The girl was definitely not there willingly and you were frozen in place when you saw the stuttering moves of the guy and glistening tears in her eyes as she was pressed against the wall near a window.

You moved as quickly and silently as you could from there and then full-on ran towards Severus' office. Once you were inside, your eyes found him sitting behind his desk and you ran to him.

"Sev, quickly, you have to interfere!" you said hurriedly and Severus raised his eyes worriedly at your urgent voice. "There's a guy... and a girl in the corridor near, he's... she's... COME ON!" 

You tugged on him desperately and only then you realised that he can't see you. Severus got up and held onto the invisible hand.

"Lead the way," he said simply, though he still had no idea what exactly was going on.

You got there quickly and Severus quickly assessed the situation. He went into the dark quickly casting Lumos nonverbally and peeled the guy away from the poor girl with so much force, he fell to his knees. Severus was raging, you could see that and it registered in your brain that bringing _him_ to this situation might not have been the smartest move. Too close to home for him. Quite literally. You shuddered. 

Severus, indeed, was raging. Once he looked at the boy, a Slytherin, he was disgusted.

"From my own House," he growled. "How dare you?" He was very threatening and the boy looked like he was about to shit his pants while Severus kept his wand in his face. "Near my office. How _dare_ you, you little piece of _shit._ "

The guy was trembling and you turned to the girl, who was slightly illuminated by the light from Sev's wand but not really paying attention. Lavender, you noticed in shock and looked at the guy. Was he the little dirtbag she wanted to go to the ball with and threatened you for? This lowlife?! You couldn't help but pity the girl and you really wished she would have listened to you. 

You turned back to Sev and... Brian? No... B-something... the shithead. You didn't need to remember a name of that piece of crap anyway. 

You noticed what could only be described as killing intent in Severus' eyes and the look chilled you to your bones. You came to him and gently laid your hand over the right upper arm, applying a soft pressure to make him lower the wand form the student's face. It could have some dire consequences for him if he harmed a student.

Severus felt your light touch but he didn't want to let go of the rage he felt. That was until you came close to his ear.

"The girl," you whispered and it was a sad and broken sound which made Severus snap his head in the poor girls' direction. She was dishevelled and crying, a real mess. Her wide eyes and shivering body made Severus' stomach convulse. He quickly waved the wand in the air but then aimed it back at the boy. This time his eyes were more focused and present, thankfully.

"We'll wait for the Headmaster and see what kind of punishment he deems... appropriate. Count your blessings as I would probably have to kill you if it were up to me to decide," he growled dangerously at the boy. You sighed in relief he got to his senses but in your mind, you hoped Dumbledore would come quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just found out that Invisibility Potion is not *that* difficult to make... third-year level, supposedly... I sometimes wonder about strange strength dynamics in the HP world... you want to tell me that 13 yrs can make an invisibility potion, yet somehow, the students get still caught, wandering the castle at night?! MAKES NO SENSE!!! Being invisible is a way too powerful tool imho so... we're going to ignore the cannon here... 🎵 AND DO IT MYYYYY WAAAAY 🎶
> 
> Also, I know that LGBTG+ community is sick and tired of 'tragic love' and 'coming out' stories about their fictional representatives but please consider the fact this is set in the late '80s 😌


	97. Chapter 97

You watched Lavender on the floor and you wanted nothing more than to help her. She looked really distressed and her haunted looks made your blood freeze. You quickly looked at your hand, or at least where it should be. Still invisible. In no time, you heard steps and turned just as Dumbledore came into view. He quickly looked around, his eyes registering Severus with his wand out and aiming at a very scared male student. Then his eyes turned towards the motionless girl and he very briefly eyed the state of her dress. 

"Headmaster," Severus growled and Dumbledore shot a quick glance in your direction and your heart almost stopped, before he looked at Severus. You looked on your hands again, still invisible. Though you didn't like him all that much, you had to give it to him, Dumbledore was a real class.

"Severus," he said grimly but firmly. Severus took a deep breath and lowered his wand.

"Take him from my sight or I swear I'll gladly spend the rest of my life on a run just to kill this filth."

Your heart stopped once more at his words. He really wasn't at a good place and you were foolish to think he was back in control before. 

"Take care of Ms Greengrass, Severus," he said somehow softly when his eyes laid on the girl once more. Severus looked at her too and nodded. "Mr Nott, follow me," Dumbledore said and his voice was as cold as you ever heard. At least he took this seriously. You hoped the bastard would burn in hell. 

Nott came to the Headmaster quickly, obviously relieved he could leave from Severus.

"I think it's not very safe for the girls to be out so late at night," Dumbledore said before he left with Nott trailing behind him and you frowned. That wasn't aimed at Lavender, you were sure of it. Severus also got the message loud and clear. His eyes darted in the dark and then zeroed at you. You looked down once more and this time you could see yourself materialising. It was probably the first time Lavender moved since you came.

"You," she whispered and could see the pity in your eyes.

"Let's get you to the dorms, Ms Greengrass," Severus said and Lavender looked at him and frowned.

"You knew she was here," she said. It wasn't a question but she obviously expected some kind of answer. Severus glanced at you and then back at the girl.

"Yes, she was the one who got me to come here," he said and when no one said anything for a moment he leaned down and held out a hand slowly.

"You two should go to the dorm," he said and Lavender looked at his hand then at him and slowly took it so he could help her stand. For the shortest moment, it made you jealous and that feeling was quickly followed by a wave of self-disgust when you saw Lavender stagger on her feet. You frowned and came to her from the other side, trying to grab her under her arm but she quickly jerked away and Severus hissed.

"Don't touch her unexpectedly," he just said sternly and your throat went dry and you had to swallow the uncomfortable feeling. You looked at Lavender then.

"Sorry," you said and slowly extended your arm towards her. She was no wild animal so it wasn't like she needed some time to grab it but it was clear to you that she felt more comfortable extending her arm towards you, initiating the physical contact. You looked at Severus. He knew this. You had to gulp down again. It really registered in your brain that for him this wasn't new and you felt tears brimming in your eyes when you imagined young Severus, a boy, looking at his mother, who probably reacted to his touch in this way. It hurt.

"Let's go," Severus said and you all went in the way of the Slytherin Common Room. It was a quiet and almost eerie journey. You felt Lavender's weight, she was barely moving her legs, but it didn't look like she was exhausted. It was more from the shock, you thought. It looked from time to time like she simply forgot to move her feet and stumbled. She was clearly in her head.

"Wait for me in the Common Room, I'll fetch a Sleeping Draught and Dreamless Sleep Potion," Severus said once you came in front of the entrance to the Commons. You nodded and went in with Lavender. Poor girl just slumped on the black leather couch and stared in front of her. 

"You were right, you know," she whispered brokenly and her empty eyes looked at you. Or more like through you.

"I don't really take any pleasure in that," you said with disgust as you thought of that... You didn't finish the thought full of profanities and sat down next to her, no too close of course. You were more careful. 

"What do you think will happen to him?" she asked and you frowned.

"I don't know but the expulsion should be just one of many things. I don't think you'll ever have to look at him. I hope they lock him somewhere to be honest, though I know of no such institution in our world."

Lavender scoffed. 

"Why would such a thing exist?" The question was full of sarcasm and disdain. She was hurt and she thought there'll be no justice. 

The door opened abruptly and Severus came in with two phials. He handed them in Lavender's direction. She took them without hesitation and downed them quickly.

"Thank you, Professor." She looked at you then. "Y/n." You nodded rather and she went up the stairs to the dorm.

"You should get some sleep too," you heard the deep voice next to you and turned to Severus. He was distressed. 

"I agree," you said simply and turned to leave the Commons but he grabbed your arm.

"You. Stay. Here," he growled and you frowned in defiance. 

"No way." You jerked your arm free and crossed it with the other one over your chest. "I'm going back to your office whether you like it or not, Sev. I can go with you right now or I'll leave later and come by myself" you said and left no place for an argument, though you realised it was a low blow from you. Severus was angry. He was furious, actually.

"Merlin, I swear, Y/N, I'm really not in the mood right now and you'd better get to your bed before I _Imperio_ you there," he said with that dangerous, no-kidding voice. You shuddered.

"You wouldn't," you said back through clenched teeth, also getting angry. If he smirked, you would know he was playing with you but he stared at you, his facial muscled stoic.

"Test me," he said and you knew he really meant it.

"Fine," you said angrily and stomped to your room and if it wasn't already late, you'd shut your door angrily and loudly but you didn't want to wake up the girl. Especially since you were about to go after Severus in no time. As if you'd leave him alone tonight.


	98. Chapter 98

You paced your room silently, trying to still your beating heart and erratic thoughts. You stopped abruptly as you looked down at yourself. The look of your own ball dress made you think of how Lavender looked. You needed to get the dress off of you. It made you calm down a bit to have something to do and you quickly slipped into the most hideous sweatshirt and sweatpants you owned. It made you feel comfortable to be covered in unappealing clothes and a shudder went through you at the thought of how Lavender must feel. You hoped she fell asleep quickly under the influence of the potions and that her sleep will be restful and dreamless. 

You took your wand and crept out of your room, checking carefully at Lavender in her room, then quietly going down the metal stairs from the Girl's Dormitories to the Commons and then out into the cold dungeon corridor. It was quickly decided that after what happened, you'd keep your wand illuminated to see your surroundings. Hopefully, the only teacher who you'd stumble upon would be Severus and even if not, detention was definitely better than... the image of poor Lavender popped up in your head again and you had to shake it and suppress the shudder which threatened to take over your body. 

Finally, you stood in front of Severus' office and you didn't even knock, just went inside. You froze on the spot when you notice that Severus wasn't alone. You met Dumbledore's slightly amused expression and then turned to McGonagall's, which was shocked and stern. They both stood just slightly turned towards you as they were obviously turned towards Severus before. Eventually, you dared to look at Severus, who was sitting behind his desk. That was some deep, wrinkles-inducing frown. 

"I- I," 

"Ms Y/L/N, do you know what time is it?" McGonagall asked with that strict quality in her voice which was so distinctly hers. You were quickly looking for a good enough answer while thinking about where's that-piece-of-crap Nott.

"I need a... Sleeping Draught," you said. It wasn't exactly a lie, you really couldn't sleep as things were. Dumbledore raised a brow, he was impressed by the quick-wit, though he saw right through you. Severus' eyes changed from angered to worried. McGonagall frowned even more.

"Why would you need-"

"She was the one who called me to the... scene," Severus interrupted and got up swiftly from his chair to fetch a bottle of the Sleeping Draught, while McGonagall opened her mouth slightly.

"Dear girl," she just whispered and you saw her womanly, almost maternal side kick in and you felt bad for making her feel like that.

"I checked on Lavender before I left... she's asleep and looks... peaceful," you said quietly. 

"Here." Severus was at your side in a few quick strides, handing you the phial. He reached your face to find any signs of distress. Of course, he could find plenty since you really were distressed, though more from the fact that you couldn't talk with him alone than the traumatic experience. 

"I think we could finish this discussion tomorrow morning," Dumbledore said suddenly and looked at Minerva. "Let's sleep on this, Minerva. I believe we are all far too tired after the ball. Severus, please escort Ms Y/L/N back. I don't think she feels safe in the dark corridors."

Dumbledore very obviously moved his head up and down while inspecting your attire and just as he wanted, McGonagall noticed and looked at you the same way. She quickly understood his meaning when she saw your clothes.

"You're right, Headmaster, we should all get some sleep," she said and the both went to the door and the four of you all exited the office. Dumbledore and McGonagall went to the stairs leading to upper floors, but not before McGonagall looked at you pitifully. 

"Let's go," Severus said and waited for you to actually start walking, which was a bit odd. Normally he would just start walking, expecting you to follow behind and keep up. You started towards the Slytherin Commons and once you were sure that Dumbledore and McGonagall were out of sight you slipped your hand into his. 

Severus was slightly startled by the action but soon he felt like it was your way of feeling better and safer and he was more than willing to give you any comfort you needed. You, on the other hand, took it to make _him_ feel at ease, to let him know you're there if he needs you. 

"Are you okay?" you asked in a hushed down voice, still a bit afraid someone could overhear. Severus looked at you.

"I?" he asked in disbelieve.

"You. I know it must have been... disturbing for you... with your mother and all..."

Severus clenched his jaws. He found it ludicrous that _you_ worried about _him_. He found it very sweet too. It was something he still wasn't quite used to - someone worrying about him, that is.

"Don't worry about me, I calmed down," he said curtly, which made you puff out with exasperation. 

"Sev, it's not like I can _not_ worry about you. And I'm not worried because I think you're angry, I worry because I think this is hard for you. Because it makes you remember..."

You were already in front of the Commons and Severus was looking at you pensively. You looked back at him and your hand tightened around his in a comforting gesture.

"I'm also worried, so, no matter what, you're not to leave your room tonight. Or any night for that matter, I don't want you wandering around the castle in the dark."

This was to be expected but it still made you frown. Nott. You'll never ever going to forgive that shithead. Not only did he made Lavender's ball night a living hell which would probably hunt her for the rest of her life but he also made Sev feel like this.

"Sev, it's not like this castle is full of rapists, waiting behind dark corners to assault girls," you tried to reason but to no avail. He shook his head.

"Just go in, Y/N, I'm really too tired to have this argument right now."

He was exhausted and he looked the part. You nodded. You'd go to your bed tonight since it was obviously not destined for you to be with him that night, but there was no way you wouldn't have a discussion about this sooner or later. You placed a hand on his cheek and he surprised you when he closed his eyes briefly and turned his head to place a chaste kiss into your palm.

"Sleep tight," he whispered and you smiled, waving the small phial with liquid in your hand.

"I'm sure I will," you said tenderly and leaned for a goodnight kiss. "Good night, Sev," you said and left with a small smile, hoping he would rest properly.

Severus stood in the corridor for a few more minutes, just staring and trying to calm his beating heart. He was even wondering if there was something as 'way too much in love'. With a sigh he left for his own quarters to hopefully get some sleep.


	99. Chapter 99

In the morning of 26th, you got two letters. First was a late letter from your father, wishing you a nice holiday. He was obviously stressed out and his head wasn't into it and it made you worry. You were so concerned about your mother's condition that you didn't think that much about your father, which was a mistake, clearly. The second letter was the usual from your nonna, describing nothing much normally, but this day it had an invitation to her house. For you and Severus.

"What is it? Some news about your mother?" Kirtida asked when she noticed your worried expression and you sighed.

"No, but my dad seems to be crumbling down."

"Sorry to hear that," Vistaria said and added, "you seemed to be out of it since we woke up, though. Is anything else the matter?"

Well, yes, our ex-roomie was raped last night. No way you were about to say that and your stomach protested against remembering that.

"My nonna invited me and Sev to her house for two days," you said to sidetrack. Kirtida grinned and Vis just raised her brows.

"That's great!" Kirtida exclaimed full of her notorious excitement. No, actually, she was even more chipper today than usually. She was singing as soon as she woke up, singing!

"You look like you enjoyed a day in Honeydukes and ate the whole shop, seriously sugar-high," you said to her and Vis nodded in agreement. Kirtida blushed first but then she frowned and pouted, even going as far as crossing her arms over her chest in her petulant childish display.

"I just had a nice evening yesterday, nothing wrong with that!" she said and Vistaria chuckled and you smirked too.

"Oh, dear. Daniel-lover-boy got some?" Vis asked and Kirtida opened her mouth in shock, which finally made you laugh. It felt good, laughing. After last night's events, it felt almost divine and made you feel as if your blood started to run again in your body after a long time of being stiff.

"You're obscene, crude, neanderthalian!" Kirtida hissed at her.

"You sure that's a word?" Vistaria asked with a raised brow.

"I don't care! It is now."

"So what really happened?"

"We just kissed."

You slowly tuned out the conversation and looked over the Slytherin table, trying to see if either Nott or Lavender were present. You couldn't find any of them. You glanced towards Severus at his table and he was just in an animated discussion with Dumbledore and McGonagall. It was odd to see him sit so close to them as he usually preferred a spot near the end of the table, not the middle.

Severus was, indeed, in a heated discussion.

"You can't be serious?! He's just going to be expelled?! No repercussion whatsoever?!" he growled and had a tough time not starting to yell.

"I have to agree with Severus here. The poor girl was maybe well-rested but her spirit is broken, Albus," Minerva made her first commentary since the morning and Dumbledore looked at her. 

"I understand your concerns, Minerva, but there's not much more I can do. I'm a Headmaster and as such, I can only do this much. There's no trial for these kinds of things. Sadly, our society has some serious deficiency of protection for women in such situations. In this matter, I think we could even learn a thing or two from Muggles."

Severus was fuming but also, there was something about what Dumbledore said. It was true, Muggles had laws against these atrocities, the wizarding community didn't. He liked to blame his father for what happened to his mother and subsequently all the Muggles, but it only now occurred to him, it was also the wizarding law system which betrayed her. Did his mother even know there was a possibility to report such a crime since she grew up in a pureblood family? It probably wouldn't change much, considering her curse, he thought bitterly. 

"What about the parents?" Minerva tried to ask in hope that maybe the punishment would come from there. Severus knew better.

"They were notified," he growled out. "But I wouldn't place my hopes for punishment in them. They'll most likely brush it off. That is..." Severus had to gulp down to continue, "that is if they actually won't make them marry."

Minerva's eyes widened and Dumbledore frowned ever-so-slightly.

"What?!" she said and her high-pitched voice made Flitwick and Hooch, who were nearby, look her way.

"As they are both... purebloods-" Severus started to explain but the nasty look he got from Minerva stopped him.

\------------------

Severus sat in his office, his mind swirling and twirling around all that has happened. Though he could get a few hours of what he considered a good sleep, the early hours of the day made his head ache anew. An uncomfortable growl was to be heard from his stomach and with a sigh, he realised he missed lunch to his musings. Just as he was about to get up and go to the kitchens, his office door opened and you came in. Something was in your hands and only when you came closer, it became clear that it's a sack and he has no idea what's in it. He raised one brow at you. You waved your wand on the door with a whispered _Muffliato_ and smiled at him.

"I noticed your absence at lunch and took you something. It's not much, it's not like I could carry a soup in this," you said and handed him the sack. An apple and some dry sweet pastry. Normally, he would touch neither. He took out his wand and with one wave the apple turned to an orange juice and the pastry into a piece of fish with potatoes. 

"Not a fan of sweet things?" you asked and sat down. He nodded and started to eat while you just watched him with soft eyes. It made him want to crawl out of his skin, he felt like an animal in the zoo or an object of observation.

"Do you have to stare?" he groans out after a while and you look down from him.

"I don't _have to_ , I just want to," you said cheekily and he gave you that annoyed/bored look he uses so often in his classes.

"Cheeky brat," he murmurs and your brow twitched downwards.

"Enjoy it for the next six months because once I graduate, you'll no longer be entitled to call me that. Not that it's exactly an accurate term for your student anyway."

In a rare wave of playfulness, Severus grabbed you into his lap, your squeak the desired reaction, and then he kissed you deeply and passionately. When he let go of your lips, you're breathy and stunned. You didn't expect this. He smirked in victory.

"I think I treat you in more than just one inaccurate way as a student and you don't seem to be complaining."

True, you had no smart comeback for that. 

"And if you'll act like a cheeky brat even after you graduate, then I'm still going to call you that," he continued and his mood darkened once more. This time not because of Lavender and her unfortunate situation, or Nott and the injustice, but simply because he started to feel desperate about your graduation. No matter which career you'd pursue, you'd have to be apart from each other for most of the year. 

"Hey, Sev, I have something to tell you," you said carefully once the playfulness in his eyes disappeared. His eyes bore into yours and you knew you had his full attention.

"My grandma wrote," you said and he tensed beneath you. "I still didn't have a chance to send the vial, or rather, you didn't really tell me how to use it. Should she drink it, or should it be applied externally? All at once?"

You were rumbling and he started to rub your back which made you stop vomiting words and sigh.

"Anyway, she invited me to her house for two days from tomorrow. She'd also like you to come along," you say carefully and Severus stops his comforting circles on your back, seemingly in need of some for himself. You placed your hand on his face, something you noticed to always bring him back from wherever his mind wandered to.

"What?"


	100. Chapter 100

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm so sorry about the late update and no note about it... apart from the holiday craze, I had a family situation. That being said, I'll probably need a break, like an actual and long one so I'm writing this (btw chapter 100!!!! can't believe it!) and I'm gonna take some time... maybe until the end of the year... we'll see.  
> Hope you'll enjoy this and let's hope for a reunion sooner than in 2021 but at least in 2021 😉

Severus had to tell Dumbledore a few things about being too distressed about the whole Nott situation and got himself two days of an actual holiday. Somehow, he didn't feel like going on holiday though. It was a strange almost foreign sensation for him but he was afraid, he wanted to impress, or at least pass in your relative's eyes. Normally, he wouldn't give it a second thought but your father already hated him and your mother was comatose. That made your grandmother the only relative he could actually get on his side in this situation.

It worried him that he wouldn't be able to get her to his corner and he had some persuasive arguments for why she even shouldn't. Pretty much the same reasons why your father hated him. Severus tried to imagine the unimaginable. Having a wife he loved dearly being attacked by a group of fanatics, getting her unconscious, while his dear daughter would date one of the mentioned ex-fanatics. It sounded like the worst nightmare so he didn't hold any grudges against your father. But it also made him fear your grandmother. 

"Sev!" he heard your voice from behind and looked at you, all covered in the woollen clothes, but somehow still having a red nose. You only had a small bag with you, definitely smaller than he expected. He always imagined women having far too many things to carry around but you were, surprisingly, light traveller. He quickly looked around himself but since Keldback was a smaller town and full of Muggles to that, it was more of reflex than necessity.

"Where exactly are we going?" he asked instead of greetings and you could tell he was nervous though he tried to stay cool. You smiled at him and pointed on the hill to the North-East of the village.

"Meet me at the summit?" you said with a twinkle in the eyes but he sent you a look which could kill and you giggled.

"I mean, I could try to Apparate you there but I'm not sure, I never travelled with someone this way."

Severus gave you a side glance and thought about it. You gaped at him and couldn't believe he would even think about it. You could split them both!

"I'm messing with you, there's a Portkey ready for us, I wrote to granny about our arrival beforehand," you said before Severus could agree to your crazy idea and lead him into the forest.

"Just a warning, my nonna... she's, ehm, different," you said and went into the woods to look for a tin candelabra as your nonna described in the letter. You told her multiple times that it's not the best of Portkeys since any Muggle could be tempted to grab it but she uses it repeatedly, claiming 'it has never happened and it won't happen this time'. Hard to argue with that.

"Your grandmother... how much she knows?" Severus asked, trying to steel himself for whatever may come his way. You glanced at him briefly and shrugged your shoulders as you continued down the way to the stream where the Portkey's supposedly placed.

"I told her I love you. But trust me, she knows way more than I tell her and to this day, I have no idea if she's like Kirtida or just very skilled Legillimens. She just knows things, you can see it in her eyes, it's scary."

Severus frowned at that. He never knew any of his grandparents and his parents were never interested in him enough to try to pry in his life. This would surely be a rare experience and first of its kind. Also, another skilled Legilimens or Seer are exactly the kinds of people he tried to avoid. It could be quite disastrous if someone knew about his whole agenda and fell into the wrong hands, together with the information.

"There it is!" you exclaimed, grabbed Severus' hand and tugged him along.

The Portkey took you to the porch of your nonna's house and you felt the uncomfortable feeling you always got after the magical way of travelling. You couldn't understand why all of them were so nauseating. 

Severus looked at your pale face and widened eyes and opened his mouth to ask if you're okay but before he could utter a single syllable a voice from within the house called.

"I have the ginger tea ready, darling!"

Your eyes shined with gratitude and you went in quickly, even forgetting to say anything to Severus. Your nonna was just turning the corner with a steaming cup of tea.

"Here you go," she said affectionately and you groaned in comfort as the warm liquid settled in your queasy stomach. Your nonna aged, no doubt due to the worry about her daughter, but she still looked somewhat chipper. Her old wise eyes turned from you to the tall black-clad man in the doorway. She appraised him from head to toe, though it wasn't the first time she saw him, and smiled.

"I have to say, you have definitely a better taste in men than your mother," she said and you blushed as you looked at Sev. Well, he was very handsome. 

"Granny, this is Severus Snape, my... ehm... we're together," you said nervously, trying to collect your manners and introduce them properly this time. "Sev, this is my nonna, Sylvana Bluespire."

Severus was a bit amused by your distress in giving him some sort of label but he was equally nervous about this meeting. His hand twitched to stretch out but he recalled some simple rules about handshaking, that Lucius drilled into him what felt like decades ago, and as a host and an older woman, she should be the one to put her hand forward first and so he just nodded at her.

Her penetrative eyes seemed to dance on him and it felt like she could see things about him he didn't even know about himself. He understood your earlier sentiment about her quite well. The woman smiled almost imperceptibly and stretched out her hand.

"Nice to meet you officially. Finally," she said and threw you a stern glare which made you shiver a bit. Severus took the hand and shook it slightly.

"Likewise," he said simply. 

"Strong grip and not a man of many words I see," she said playfully and the way she said it reminded him so much of you and your teasing he had to smile a bit. 

"Nonna, where can we put our things?" you asked to interrupt the moment which was about to become awkward otherwise. 

"Your room, darling, like always," she said with raised brows and you gave her an uncomfortable smile.

"Yeah, I know, what about Sev though?"

Sylvana looked at you and then at Severus, obviously thinking.

"I was sure you two already... Well, I thought you'd sleep together in your room, darling. Was that a wrong assumption?" she asked and you blushed red. She acted all innocent but you knew better, there was nothing innocent about your grandmother. She planned this to find out. Severus was standing awkwardly, waiting for you to say something as he didn't want to say something he shouldn't.

"It's okay, we'll settle in my room then," you said quietly, not looking at either of them. You could have acted offended or shy and all but a night spent with Severus was definitely worth the minor... well maybe not minor but major humiliation you felt at the moment. 

Sylvana's mischievous eyes danced as she was watching your apparent discomfort, while Severus tried to study her reaction. What he saw reminded him of you once again. 

"In that case, can you lead me to the room?" he asked you and tried to end your torment which you were grateful for and nodded hastily. The ginger tea might have helped with nausea but unfortunately, it did nothing to the anxiousness you felt as you lead Severus upstairs and to your room. This was about to be a very interesting visit.


	101. Chapter 101

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dear readers, welcome to 2021 and let's hope it's gonna be better for everyone!
> 
> I recommend reading the previous chapter or two, to get into the flow because I get right into it without much introduction 😁

It wasn't for the first time that Severus felt slightly uncomfortable by being shown riches of others but this was undoubtedly the most humiliating for him. Your room at your grandma's was... enormous. Not even huge would suffice. It was sort of like a living space of its own, a 'small' apartment within a mansion. It didn't escape Severus' notice that the house looked like a nice cottage from the 19th century. Inside, however, it was definitely enlarged and not at all decorated in the same fashion as the outside. 

"You feel awkward," you noted Severus' mood and decided to comment on it. 

"Hmm," he gave a positive answer but didn't feel the need to elaborate. This was weird and awkward for him for more than just one reason and he had no words to speak about it.

"I'm sorry about my nonna. She... she's a jester and she enjoys putting people into uncomfortable situations far too much," you tried to apologize. 

Severus didn't know what to say, or how to act for that matter. This was all too new for him. He just went ahead and put down his things right next to yours.

"Ehm... well, let's see... the bedroom, that door leads to the lavatory, next to it is a bathroom. In the bedroom, there's the door to the dressing room where you can put your things and right now we're in the small version of a drawing-room. Oh, and that way is a little study room if you need... to write some letters or perhaps work."

It was a quick and sort of messy tour but Severus stored all the information carefully so he could forego any unnecessary questioning later. He had a pleasure of visiting a few manors and they were all complicated and huge but also rather dark and filled with heavy atmosphere. This one was lighter and it was looking rather plain from the outside, the splendour waiting inside for those who were invited. Most of the interior was a happier version of the glamour he saw in other mansions, but your room, or rooms rather, were quite simple. No excessive golden or silver decor, no frills, no brocade curtains or canopies. Everything was light in colour and the lack of heavy curtains made the space filled with sunlight. The furniture was sturdy, sure, but the cloth was mostly one-coloured and patternless. The only dark colour in the room was the wooden decorations, which were most likely brown mahogany, but it only accentuated the welcoming and warm feeling of the rooms. It was the very opposite of his dungeon chambers at Hogwarts, the only personal space of his you've been to.

"What do you think?" you asked when you couldn't stand the questioning stare he displayed while his eyes roamed your chambers. Severus turned his eyes to you.

"Never would have guessed this was your taste. It's... bright but... nice."

You laughed a bit nervously at that. 

"Well, it's not a dungeon, that's for sure."

\----------------

You came down once you freshened up a bit and let Severus take his time in the bathroom. You wanted to talk with nonna alone anyway.

"Nonna," you said once you entered the parlour and saw your nonna with a cup of tea in hands. She raised her gaze at you and smiled.

"Come, sit with me, dear. I just had some tea brought to me."

You sat down and took a cup of black tea and added the smallest amount of cream.

"Nonna, try to be nice, please," you started, not in a mood for a lengthy conversation. Not to mention, Severus could come down any second.

Sylvana looked at her granddaughter and thought about her serious and pleading voice. A small part of her wanted to comfort you, make you feel better, but far greater part told her otherwise.

"Y/N, dearest, we choose certain things in life, but there are also things that simply happen and we can do nothing about it. I want you to be ready for the unexpected and responsible for the choices you make. Unexpected is the current condition of your mother. However hard it is on all of us, we have to deal with it. Your choice was to start a relationship with a man of a... rather delicate and difficult position in society. So let me tell you something honestly. I know you seek an ally, someone to stand in your corner, but that cannot be me, dearest. This is your fight and the only person allowed to assist you is him."

"But-"

"No buts, Y/N. Let me be honest with you. Your father might never agree with this relationship and there's nothing I can do about it. You have to win him over. He has to win him over," she said, her eyes turn to something behind you and you turned to see Severus standing in a slightly better black robe in a doorway.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," he said as he slowly approached. In Severus' life, there was nothing given to him freely, he knew he had to fight to earn something and he knew how. His determined stare made Sylvana smile and in her mind, she knew already that everything would be alright eventually. You weren't so sure but Severus' presence was having an undisputable calming effect on you. It would be okay. Your nonna was right, this was your fight, your and Severus'.

"Come and sit with us," your nonna said towards Severus who only nodded once and came to sit down next to you. He made no movement towards the teapot and your upbringing combined with the feeling you got from nonna's place made you serve him the tea.

"Sugar? Cream?" you asked and Severus was a bit taken aback. He never saw you... like this. 

"Black, three sugars," he said and you screwed your face in a disgusted grimace which you quickly wiped up but not before Severus saw it and smiled. 

"How is mother anyway?" you asked to redirect the conversation as you finished serving the tea and turned to your nonna. 

"Hmm... no changes I'm afraid."

You looked at Severus nervously.

"Severus... he made a potion. It's... it should help."

Your grandmother raised a brow and she looked at Severus with a quizzical expression. 

" _Should_ help," she said offensively and you regretted ever bringing it up. Your nonna seemed to have no problem with Severus until then. 

"As I'm only partly aware of your daughter's condition, it was the best I could do," Severus said neutrally but resolutely, great confidence radiating off of him. 

"How aware exactly is _partly_ aware?" Sylvana asked curiously, still distrusting of the potion. Severus frowned ever-so-slightly. 

"As I know who was behind the torture and I know how they work, their personal favourites as far as spells go, I combined it with the little I've seen of your daughter's condition and the bits and pieces I've heard from Y/N."

Sylvana was thinking. The additional knowledge about the method of torture could be, indeed, a very important piece of information. One, that the Healers at St. Mungo's didn't have as they liked to often tell her whenever she lost her temper around them.

"You're a Potions Master at Hogwarts, is that correct?" she asked and Severus simply nodded. You wanted to affirm this and add a little praise but when you opened your mouth your nonna's stern glare made you shut it right away. She was not a one for false praise, it would have little effect on her.

"How confident are you in your skills?" she asked again and you looked at Severus and his piercing black eyes. His back straightened and you could see the smallest smug twitch of his mouth he obviously tried to restrain.

"Very much, ma'am," he said and there was no space to argue about his confidence in the matter. Severus, however, wasn't boastful. He was immensely proud of his skills, true, but that also meant, he needed to come forward seriously and truthfully.

"Of course, the potion is untested. I made as many experiments as possible as to ensure the safety of it so no further harm would befall your daughter. As for the actual improvement of her condition, we can only try and see."

\---------------

After a very exhausting afternoon tea, you went up with Severus. Your nonna questioned him about many things apart from the usage of his new medicine, his family being one of them and you could see his short and sometimes downright rude answers left your nonna a bit unsatisfied but she didn't comment on it. 

"You two are very alike," Severus said when you entered your room and you wanted to apologise once more for her behaviour. Your eyes widened.

"No, we're not," you said in disbelief and Severus smiled tenderly, his arms sneaking around you and tugging you closer to him. He kissed your forehead tenderly and let go of you but you weren't quite so ready to let him go and your arms quickly tightened around his waist.

"See?" he said with a raised brow, "You're both very determined to get what you want and you tease relentlessly. Maybe you're both a bit too used to getting whatever you want," he said the last sentence with a small deep chuckle and you frowned.

"Not true," you opposed.

"Oh, it is. Doesn't matter, though. I like this pouting face," he said and caressed your cheek. "I like the spoiled and bossy mouth we both know you have," he said and his thumb swiped across your lower lip. You quickly sucked his thumb into your mouth before he could retreat and looked at him with a small smile tugging at your corners when you heard him hiss with a sharp intake of breath. You let go of his thumb and giggled.

"Maybe you're right, I might be a bit of a tease," you said and went to the walk-in wardrobe to change for the dinner. Severus groaned in frustration. Once he had you for himself at night he'd pay you back for this uncomfortable situation in his trousers you just caused. 


	102. Chapter 102

"Oh, Merlin's pants, boy! You're no longer a Death Eater, would a bit of colour kill you?" your nonna exclaimed as soon as she saw you and Severus going down for dinner. You knew your nonna liked formal attire for dinners and you managed to warn Severus about that but you might have forgotten to mention her distaste for black and how much formal was nonna's kind of formal. Severus thought it a waste to pack anything other than a spare black robe and some small clothes.

"Colours aren't to my taste, I'm afraid. And I assure you I'm not to their taste either," he said drily but both you and nonna smiled. At least your grandma had a similar sense of humour so it shouldn't be too hard for Severus to get her on his side. 

"Nonsense, dark blue or dark green would make you look less grim and more elegant without offending anyone's taste," she said and without further comment, she led you two to the dining room which was already set with different cutlery. 

"Your father's going to come tomorrow for lunch," your grandma said without much interest but you tensed and Severus had to push you a bit to move you towards your seat which you noted was opposite to him. You watched him leave your side and go to his place while your nonna took a seat in the head of the table. You all sat close to each other given the length of the table. 

"Nonna, would it... could Severus sit next to me?" you asked nervously and the older woman gave you a piercing stare with a playful smile at once.

"Dear, I wasn't born yesterday. I'd like to have your attention on me and the food while we dine, not on Mr Snape's undoubtedly skilful fingers."

Sylvana enjoyed your nervous giggle-turned-cough and even noticed some embarrassment in the black eyes of the man on her left. Young lovers, they always think they invented all the secret touches. It made her reminisce on one of her own escapades with her former husband. 

"I think, however, that given some proper etiquette, tomorrow, when your father will be present, you could sit next to each other," she said to make you feel better about the upcoming visit, which, no doubt, made you nervous. 

"Thank you, nonna," you said with a tense and somehow squeaky voice. This could all turn into a very unpleasant experience once your father came and it was really not good for your nerves.

"I'd advise both of you to withhold the information about the supposed cure you invented, Mr Snape. After all, it could be of help, but only if we actually get it to be applied. My son-in-law might not be so open to the idea, given the source."

"Understandably," Severus answered but you frowned. 

"Well, I'm going to tell him once it works its magic and helps mum get up," you said a bit stubbornly which made your nonna smile. Not that you noticed since Severus chuckled at your determination in defending him. You stared at him and let that small chuckle fill your ears like always.

Even Sylvana was a bit surprised by the sound next to her and she was a woman very hard to surprise. But this boyish sound from the brooding, silent and a very serious young man was an unexpected thing. Once she looked at you and your love-sick smile and glinting eyes, she, once again, felt a very good feeling in the pit of her stomach. Her gut was telling her that you two were right for each other, no matter how hard others may fight against it.

The rest of the dinner went by with a pleasant conversation and your admiration towards Severus even grew as you didn't expect him to be so skilled in the proper dining etiquette. It was something pure-blood families required and even some of the others quite encouraged but you couldn't imagine it was of any importance to Sev's parents in his upbringing. 

After dinner, your nonna looked tired and ready for bed. She excused herself and you watched her retire for the day with a heavy heart. She looked so old and so fragile.

"She's a strong woman, she'll be okay," you heard a deep voice from behind, you turned and went for a hug. Severus was a bit surprised and also slightly uncomfortable since there were house-elves around you, cleaning up after dinner. When he felt your body slowly relaxing in his embrace he let go of any thoughts about the small creatures and focused on you instead. He had no idea it troubled you so much but given one member of the family was comatose and another one was a bit estranged, it was no wonder you felt your grandmother's condition so heavily. 

"I'm not so sure, Sev, she looks so... exhausted," you said in a small voice and he could say something about her being still very spirited to ease the mood up but he didn't know how. This wasn't exactly his strong point, comforting people.

"Let's get you to bed. In the morning she'll look better, I'm sure. If you don't want to worry her any further, you should get your rest as well."


	103. Chapter 103

As much as Severus wanted to get back at you for that little teasing, he was sensible enough to notice your vulnerable mood. He didn't know if it was due to your father's visit the next day or the state of your grandmother, maybe both. In reality, it was simply all of the troubles on your back coming at you. You tried to ignore all the bad stuff for so long, tried to keep your mind off of the bothersome things. It had to come to get you one day and this seemed to be the one. 

"I'm so sorry," you said as you came from the bathroom in your night-dress. Fine light-grey fabric with lace which came down to your knees. It wasn't sexy or hot but instead, it felt elegant and somewhat angelic on you and Severus couldn't keep his eyes off of you. 

"What for?" he asked breathlessly, trying to stay in the present conversation. 

"For my bad mood?"

Severus looked at your eyes, glistened with a hint of tears in them. He sighed and beckoned you to him, which you obediently listened to. He stood near the bed in simple black slacks, ready for sleep and you melted into him as soon as his arms encircled you in an embrace. He didn't say anything but he slowly let go and led you to the bed and pulled you down to him carefully. You let him move your body so he could spoon you from behind and place soft kisses on your neck. His hands roamed your stomach and leg but he didn't go anywhere near your more sensitive places, keeping it sensual and comforting. 

You made a very pleased sound, not exactly an erotic one, but more like when you're given a very good and relaxing massage. When you're letting your stress out. But soon, you found it unsatisfying and so you turned to look Sev in the face.

"I want you closer," you whispered to him and his hand slowly moved from your thigh to your hip, taking the fabric of your nightgown with it. He came closer to your face and placed a kiss on your cheek and then on your forehead and you giggled.

"I thought you're supposed to come closer to my mouth not further away," you said with a smile.

"But then I wouldn't make you laugh like I just did," he argued back with a soft smile of his own. Your smiled faded as you placed a hand on his cheek and he grew serious as well. Your lips met in a slow and deliberate kiss.

"Closer," you whispered in between soft kisses and Severus' hand moved from your hip up and he gently caressed the side of your breast with his thumb while his other hand travelled from your neck down to your collar bone.

"Look at me," you heard him say and opened your eyes. It was a mystery to you when you closed them. He rolled you on your back, his body coming above you and his black hair fell down. It looked like a dark halo around his face and you loved it. 

"Sev," you whispered, almost whimpered. He could see it in your eyes, feel it in the air, not only the want for his touch but the need for his support, for his embrace. It almost overtook him with fear how much you needed him. Severus never felt he was needed in his life, at least not like this, like someone's existence was tied closely to his and once more he realised how, no matter what happens in the future, he wants to live with you. He wants to live. 

He made a quick process of taking the clothes out of the way and slowly sunk into your heat with a quiet grunt accompanied by your moan of pleasure. He almost growled when he saw you close your eyes again.

"Y/N, keep looking at me. No matter what, look at me," he hissed and it makes you shiver but you open your eyes and stare at him intently with so much devotion it makes him gasp.

You made love for almost half an hour, slowly and sensually, taking turns in who was on top, leaving you both sweaty and nicely exhausted. It wasn't quite stimulating enough for you, even though it certainly left you sore but you didn't mind either because you kept your eyes on Severus and where your body didn't reach the high, your heart was soaring in the skies with the love and support you saw in his eyes. You wanted to go to sleep but your lack of orgasm didn't go unnoticed by Severus nor your soreness and so he opted to mercilessly stimulate the nub of nerves between your legs. It took him almost no effort to make you moan his name out as your body let go of all the stress.

You were both panting and lying in the bed. He was the first one to get collected and he took your tired body and despite your groans, he lifted you up and took you to the bathtub.

"Sev, I'm tired," you complained like a child and he smiled.

"So am I."

"More reason for us to actually stay in bed."

He laid you down into the warm water he magically conjured up meanwhile. You had to give it to him, it felt good. Also, the gross feeling the next morning if you didn't at least shower was definitely nothing to look forward to.

"Thank you," you whispered and Severus quirked a brow at you though your eyes were blissfully closed and you didn't see. 

"You're quite a handful," he said with a sigh and got into the tub opposite you which made you open your eyes and look at him as your legs touched. You smiled at him bashfully.

"I can be. It's a good thing I found myself such a capable and incredibly strong man," you said, and he looked away. He wasn't used to the compliments, much less about his physique. "How can you have such stamina? You have a very nice body, I'm obviously not complaining, but you don't really look like a weight-lifter."

"It's all just enhanced by potions. It makes one's life easier to be a bit faster and stronger and quieter," he says, his eyes dancing upon the water surface. He felt a bit like a fraud though he never thought he would, at least not because of this.

"You're incredible. I know I'm repeating myself, but seriously, Sev, you're a genius. Is there a potion for getting thinner?" you asked while thinking about it but he frowned and looked at you.

"No need for that," he growled and you giggled and wanted to say something but he didn't give you space. "As with every potion, the effects eventually fade away and while thinking one's thin, they can easily end up even fatter in reality. Plus I have better things to do than spend so much time on such a useless potion."

You smiled lazily as you washed and then moved your hand from your leg to his.

"Hmm, like me? Maybe with such extensive exercise like tonight I might not even need the potion," you said and the sly smirk almost made Severus twitch but he was as spent and tired as you, so though his body wanted to react, it simply couldn't.

"Like you," he said and though there was no emotion in his voice, once your eyes raised from his pale torso where they were fascinated by the small droplets of water on it, you could see the emotions clearly. You understood well enough at that moment why he so insisted you'd look him into the eyes. You were quite vocal with your feelings and he never had to guess or doubt much about them but he wasn't so expressive. Not verbally. But his eyes told you everything.


	104. Chapter 104

You woke up in the morning, feeling warm and safe, though a bit constricted. You slowly moved your head and saw a peaceful and serene expression on Severus' face. You held your breath in fear of waking him up, it was the first time you saw him so... unguarded. But your breath couldn't be held forever and the position you were in was quite uncomfortable and as you moved, he stirred from his sleep and his eyes opened.

"Morning."

That morning rasp of his definitely did things to your body. Maybe one more round before breakfast? This time in a quicker tempo? 

"Morning," you breathed out and not only did you see his eyes darken but you could clearly feel him against your hip bone. 

Severus was on top of you in a blink of an eye, his mouth hungrily latching upon your neck and his hand freely roaming your upper body. He had no idea what possessed him but somehow the memories of last night came to mind and your eyes were shining in the morning light and, well, he was a man with a boner. Actually, it wasn't that hard to figure out what came over him. However, he concentrated on you and your supple body under him and he frowned upon one particular memory from the previous day. Tch. A Slimming Potion, as if he would ever allow that. He liked you just the way you were, perfectly happy with the amount of you in his hand as he massaged your breast. 

"Ach!" There was a slight terror on your face as you looked to the door and Severus quickly understood and momentarily stopped his advances at you to retrieve a wand from his nightstand and cast _Muffliato._

"There, I don't want you to keep yourself quiet," he said, still in that beautiful morning rasp and you felt wetness coming slowly out of you. And quiet you were not. 

\----------

After a morning quickie, which felt like everything that yesterday night was not, you came down fully satiated and somewhat ready for the day ahead. Your nonna was unusually quiet at breakfast, which made you worry and she left quickly with only the unnecessary change of pleasantries to not appear rude as a hostess. 

"She's troubled," you murmured once she was out of earshot. Severus made a soft agreeing sound in his throat but his thoughts were elsewhere. As collected as he was, he had no idea what to expect from the confrontation with your father and he was sure there would be one. It made him think of all the different reasonings he could give but all of them fell short even in his own head, so there was no way your father would listen to them. 

"Sev, are you okay?" you asked and Severus shook off his thoughts and looked up to meet your troubled expression.

"Quite. Don't worry," he said when he saw that little crease between your brows which seemed to appear whenever you had a hard time believing something or you were about to argue.

You two spend the morning silently walking through the nearby woods, both lost in your own thoughts but feeling the comfort of another's presence. It was probably the first time ever, you were with Severus, without fixating yourself on him. You were simply being beside him, not talking, not really thinking of him and once you realised it, you wanted it to be your new normal. Days spent together where you wouldn't get the high spikes of happiness and excitement but instead, his constant presence would make you simply happy, every-day happy. You wanted that. 

"I like this. Walking with you, outside, without hiding and worrying."

Severus frowned at that. It took him from one problem to another. As much as he would like to make that happen, in his situation, it may be possible that you two would never be official and out in the open. 

"Y/N," he said and stopped walking. "You do realise that it might not ever happen?" he asked carefully but also firmly. You stopped as well and looked at him. There was a part of you that suspected, yet, you hoped that once you'd graduate, there would be nothing standing between you and your happy-ever-after. 

"I don't need anyone else to know, really. It can be just the two of us, together, anywhere. Is that really so unreal?" you asked sadly and the painful look he gave you, almost made you regret the words. But you had to know, right? If you're fighting for this relationship so hard, there has to be some sort of future for you. If Severus couldn't see it, why did he even bother?

Severus thought about this on more than one occasion. What would your life be like after you left Hogwarts?

"Y/N, you do realise that I'm a teacher and as such, I spend most of the year in Hogwarts, right? What would you do in a deserted house for ten months a year?"

That was a very good question indeed.

"I could be somewhere near Hogsmeade, so you could come for holidays and occasional weekends. Also..." you stopped and chewed your lower lip for a while, "I thought that with time I wouldn't be alone in the house," you finished in an unstable and shaky whisper. You had no idea how Severus felt about children, or if he indeed planned his future to include you at all.

Children were another touchy subject for Severus. What kind of a father would he be? He didn't know how to be a good father but that wasn't the biggest issue. Like with you, he would be allowed to see his children two months a year and perhaps on holidays. It wasn't really a question of how he would do it but more of how could he do it.

"What about your career? If you live somewhere near Hogsmeade, the options will be limited to some sort of service. If you weren't a professor yourself, that is."

You resumed your walk and Severus followed. This was something laying on your mind quite heavily. Your future profession. You had hardly had the time to think it through with all the stuff going on in your life but the date of your N.E.W.T.s was coming closer with no regard to you. 

"I have no idea what I want to do in life. Some people have to look for the significant other in their lives and some for the right occupation. I knew early in life who I want to spend my life with but for the life of me I cannot figure out who I want to be. I guess that's okay, though. We're all looking for something in life."

The way you said it made Severus look at you in awe and he felt his respect for you grow. You could be a pouty brat sometimes, and he liked that for sure, but there was this part of you, which spewed out some almost elderly wisdom from time to time and he was struck in awe. He'd like to see the working of your brain someday because how could you be so childish and yet so worn by life was a bit of a mystery to him. 

"What I want to say, I wouldn't mind working in a shop or a pub for some time. Who knows, maybe I'll develop some liking to it. The worst-case scenario, I'll quickly realise it's not for me but even that is valuable information."

You were nearing the house again and it was about time as it was close to midday. Lunch was to be served in a few minutes and since everybody knew how your nonna hated tardiness where meals were concerned, it was possible your father was already in the house. You stopped once again and looked at Severus.

"You know, if there's no future for us in your eyes, why would you even go inside and fight my father for it?" you asked sincerely and tried to figure out his motives for doing such a thing while implying that it would eventually lead nowhere.

Severus was looking into your eyes and his mind was giving him no plausible suggestions for possible answers.

"I want to be with you. I know it may not appear that way sometimes but I'm really trying to figure this all out. I didn't say those things to make you think I'm seeing no way out of it, no future for us. I just wanted to let you know that it's going to be difficult and _you_ should be the one to really think this through. If I should go inside and fight for this, I need to know that you'll be ready for whatever may come in the future. Because it won't be easy with me by your side."

You got teary and smiled at him. He cared so much for you it took you a minute to get over the thick feeling in your throat to get out your next words.

"I know you care, Sev, I can see it now, I could see it last night and I could see it many times before. Can't you say the same about me?Can't you already see how much I want this to work? I was fighting for this relationship for too long now to give it up. I can no longer see a future without you, can't you understand? It may be difficult, but whenever it wasn't with you? My nonna always said that women in our family chose the right men but the difficult ones, I had it written down in my destiny the moment I was born and I was preparing myself for it my whole life."

Severus _could_ see it. He saw it all. Your determination, constant fight, time, love and affection, all the things you poured into this bond between you two.

"Let's go inside and fight then," he said and took your hand into his own. It was cold and you smiled at that. Cold hands, warm heart. The saying was perfect for him.


	105. Chapter 105

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for the language...it got a bit heated in the argument 😅

It got uncomfortably tense as soon as you two entered the dining room. Father was already seated next to nonna, who was in the head of the table, and they were conversing in hushed and tired voices until you came into their sight. You could see your father clenching his jaws and his fist on the table but he didn't utter a single syllable. 

"Father, I believe you've met Severus already. He's here with me," you said in a way which clearly said you didn't want any fights about the matter. Your father frowned.

"Sit down, lunch's about to get served," your nonna said and you led Severus to the opposite seat to your father. You sat down next to Sev, though you'd feel way better if you could exchange stares with your father rather than Severus. But your nonna would never suffer such offence to the right seating etiquette.

"How was your walk?" nonna asked after a moment of silence to break the ice. You smiled and glanced Severus' way for a moment. 

"Enlightening," you said once you turned your eyes to your nonna. The corner of her mouth turned up in the smallest smile too.

"How's mother doing?" you asked and looked at your father who was apparently staring holes into Severus. He held the stare for a moment after your question but eventually, he sighed and looked down on the table.

"Nothing new, I'm afraid. At least she's not getting worse."

He said it hopefully, probably for you and nonna, but his eyes held no such emotion. He was sad and tired. He even looked as if he was crying recently.

Severus was quietly observing. All the times he saw Tobias Y/L/N, he was yelling at him or angry with him. He never saw the man so damaged, so broken. It surprised him but it also made him understand you better. Your expressiveness with your own feelings. There was even a pang of envy. This was a look of a man who loved his wife and this was a look Severus never saw on his father's face.

"You love your wife dearly," he commented on it and Tobias raised his head to look at him, the hint of anger back in his face.

"Of course, she's my wife," he said and it was Severus this time who looked away. You reached out to him and took his hand to yours under the table. You gave him a reassuring squeeze and he looked at you.

The small exchange between you two didn't go unnoticed by the two members of your family and though your nonna was still smiling and inside she was over the moon from what she saw between you two, your father was only raging inside. 

"Enough! This needs to stop. Apart from it being completely inappropriate, I forbid it," he finally said and both you and Severus looked at him.

"My daughter will not prance around with a killer. Furthermore, I already made arrangements for her marriage." He looked at you and you felt your blood turn cold in your veins. The air was heavy with the announcement.

"How serious arrangements?" you heard your nonna ask with a cold and firm voice. Tobias looked at his mother-in-law with determination.

"Serious."

You quickly stood up, almost making your chair fall backwards.

"No way! You've made me engaged?!" you yelled at him. "To whom?! No, doesn't matter. I'm not going to marry whoever that is!"

"Y/N, Notts are-"

"Notts?" you asked with a pale face and horror in your eyes. It took Severus that exact second you spoke to connect the dots in his head and he banged his hand on the table so violently the clutter hopped and chinked.

"Over my dead body," he growled out as he also raised to his feet. Your father didn't waste a second to raise to his feet as well in angry opposition.

"Bertram Nott?" you asked in a horrified whisper, just to make sure.

"All of you calm down and sit on your asses or I swear to Merlin I'll hex you all!" Sylvana exclaimed in a strong and powerful voice. "You're acting like children! May I remind you all that you're my guests and this is no playground?"

Severus stopped glaring at Tobias and looked at you but you didn't move an inch to sit, you were just staring ahead in shock. 

"Y/N?" he asked quietly but you didn't respond to him. 

"Y/N," your father said in a more stern voice but with some worry too. Still no answer.

"Well done, Tobias. You've broken your daughter as well as mine," Sylvana said with some contemptuousness. A complete terror flashed through his eyes at the statement and he made a jerky movement as if he wanted to go to you but then stopped himself.

Severus was watching you closely, blocking all the surrounding drama and concentrating on you. Your look was positively haunted and he had no doubt your head was replaying the events of that night. He touched your shoulder tentatively and you quickly jerked away as he was expecting but your void eyes turned to him and to the present.

"Shh, it's okay, it's just me," he said as calmingly and reassuringly as he was capable of. You were breathing harshly and quickly and as a tear left your eye, you went to him and hugged him tightly. It was a very intimate display and were it any less serious, Severus would feel a bit uncomfortable, foolish even, but as it was, he knew you needed him and he embraced your quivering, shivering body and placed a kiss on the crown of your head.

"Sev," you said between your cries, but the sound was muffled by his clothes.

"I know, I'm here," he said and turned to Tobias. "She's not marrying that..." He was lost for an appropriate word to describe Mr Bertram Nott.

"Piece of shit!" you yelled but still turned to Severus' body, the sound was once more muffled. There was no doubt, however, that everyone heard. 

"You have no say in this," your father hissed out.

"This seems rather personal," your nonna said with a neutral voice, long resigned to the uproar in her dining room. Her eyes were on you in Severus' arms but as she couldn't see your face and read you, she turned to Severus to see his jaws clench.

"Is there a problem, specifically with Mr Nott?" she asked and her eyes were demanding an answer from Severus.

"There is a problem," he just said and she frowned. He was testing her patience and he knew it, but he couldn't say more. After all, he was still a Hogwarts professor and the matter is to be kept secret as per wishes of both families involved in the incident.

"Oh, yes, there is a problem. You," your father said and that was it for you. Severus felt your body your hands pushing into his torso and he let go of you just to see a very familiar expression on your face. You turned to your father then. 

"The only problem in this room is with you! I'm not marrying Nott, and if I have to, I'll choose death over marriage to that pig," you said with a chilling low voice, and your father frowned.

"You have no idea what you're talking about!"

"No! You have no idea what you're talking about! Instead of getting to know the man I love, you chose to stubbornly make your point by promising me to someone I hate and you don't know either! How's that better?!"

"He's not an ex-Death Eater! That's how!"

You had to chuckle in disbelief at that. The ridiculousness of the situation!

"No, he's a _fucking_ rapist," you said coldly and saw your father's brows twitch and heard your nonna gasp a little. There was an eerie silence after that and you turned back to Severus and resumed your position in his arms. You felt like melting into him or dig yourself a hole and never come out. His arms came around you once more and you let his heat seep into you. You were so cold, probably from the shock.

"You're cancelling that arrangement, Tobias, without discussion," Sylvana said firmly and threateningly. She had no doubt the words were true, one look at you was enough of a proof. Severus looked at your father and waited for a reaction with angry glare. The older man just nodded and he was looking at your small form with a strange expression. Then he looked at Severus and there was less anger in his eyes and more sadness.

"I lost my appetite, I'll go handle the situation right now. You and I, tonight, we'll talk," he said and after Severus gave him a short nod, he left. No need to say, the rest of the lunch was quiet and rather awkward. Tobias wasn't the only with lost appetite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It will get better, I swear! Our father might be a stubborn mule, but he really wants the best for us and once he'll see it's Severus it's going to be alright! 😊 Also, as you probably noticed, I don't manage to write a chapter each day. I'm sorry but that's probably gonna be a permanent thing so I'll try every other day for now and let's hope it will be manageable for me. 😉


	106. Chapter 106

Severus felt sort of bad for feeling so good at the moment. You two were lying in the bed, you snuggled close to him, the fresh smell of your shampoo tickling his nostrils. He felt so peaceful he could barely believe it. Despite the fact that not even two hours ago he found out about your engagement. Thankfully, that was being handled right at that very moment but still, should he feel this good? What if your father would simply break this arrangement and make another one right afterwards? That was a sensible worry. But no, the look in Tobias Y/L/N's eyes before he left made him believe strongly that he wouldn't do such a thing again. There was even a hope bubbling somewhere deep inside Severus that perhaps this was the lowest point of low their relationship reached and from then on, it could only get better. He hoped it would, if nothing else, then for your sake.

"I can't believe he'd do that to me. Arranged marriage," you mumbled as if you could read his mind and he rubbed your back in response. To encourage you in speaking up your mind. "Behind my back. I feel so betrayed," you voice broke and Severus felt a, by then familiar, pang in his heart. He didn't want you to suffer like this.

"He's trying to protect you."

You moved to look at him with a small frown.

"Are you siding with him? You don't have to kiss up to him when he's not here, you know," you said and felt a bit offended and even slightly betrayed. Severus frowned at your words.

"I'm saying what I really think about the matter. When I try to imagine myself in his situation, I have to agree with him to a certain degree. It's true, I am an ex-Death Eater, I am a killer." He turned his eyes to you. "I wouldn't want that for my daughter would I ever had one."

You were still bitter and this was too raw to agree with him, but even in your current state of mind, you had to admit he was onto something. Although...

"I wouldn't arrange a marriage behind my daughter's back. Much less to a rapist."

Severus sighed.

"That was certainly a mistake on his part. Then again, he couldn't know. About Nott."

"That's what I said earlier! He arranged a marriage with a person he barely knows! That's-!"

"An honest mistake of a father who tried to protect you. I'm not saying it was okay and I'm not trying to stay behind that decision, I'm just trying to understand it. He's a loving parent." Severus made a pause to think if he should continue this conversation's flow but once he saw you taking a deep breath to argue back, he decided he'd better explain fully. 

"A loving parent may make a mistake. It's far better than being without one. I wish at least one of _my_ parents took such an interest in me. I wish they would tell me how wrong I was to join Death Eaters and follow the Dark Lord. No matter how much I'd argue back."

"Those are two different things," you said back to him stubbornly.

"They are and they aren't. The essential part is the loving intent behind. You'll make your fair share of such parental mistakes once you have kids in order to protect them. I'm sure that I will make more than plenty," he said and even chuckled a bit and it _did_ soothe a part of your dark and broken feelings. It also made you think. Would you do such mistakes in the future? You tried to imagine what kinds of mistakes they would be. Eventually, you let out a sigh.

"I need some time to forgive him for this. To trust him again," you said sadly.

"And that's just fine. The decision to forgive him _eventually_ is the important part here."

You looked at him strangely. 

"I barely recognize you right now. You talk, you talk a lot. You talk about feelings and understanding."

You were smiling at the end a bit, almost as if you were making fun of him but that wasn't it, you were just happy he was finally so open with you.

"I'm in a good mood, you could say. I think the time away from Hogwarts was really needed and long overdue. I also feel at peace. It's the talk we had about our future, it just feels right."

And it really did. They weren't just empty words to Severus. He felt like turning a page to a new chapter of his life. He wanted to make this work. He wanted to see those beautiful visions of future come true, though he dreaded the darker ones. 

You looked at him as if you'd bring the stars and the moon to his feet if he wanted to and Severus tried to keep his eyes locked with yours and not run away from the deep emotions he saw in them and felt in his heart as well. He could almost hear the 'I love you' and it surprised him that you didn't voice your feelings as usually. You smiled at him and clearly had something to say. Here it comes, he thought.

"I won't say it, I don't want you to feel obliged to say it back. I'll just show it to you every day of my life... until death do us part."

Severus was staring at you for a moment until a small smirk graced his face.

"I thought I was supposed to propose before we exchange wedding vows."

He was definitely teasing you and yet, you cannot help it and blush. It did sound like a wedding vow. Severus had to chuckle at your embarrassed face.

"But I guess it's a good thing to practise a bit if it makes you this red in the face," he teased again and watched your frantic hands going to your face to hide it. He stopped them and kissed your knuckles gently. It made you a tad bitter how easily he could upset you and just as easily calm you down but it was him after all. The love of your life, without exaggeration.

\-------------

The afternoon tea went by in a surprisingly good mood full of friendly small talk. Well, mostly it was your nonna trying to get out of you and Sev some information about your relationship but at least she didn't ask anything about Notts and the lunch incident. 

An hour or so before dinner time, your father came back. He made his entrance a scarce one and only said the matter had been resolved and you're no longer engaged. He gave a glance to Severus and then he just asked you to talk with him. And so you went into a small parlour, which was mostly used by you when you were still a kid and your mother and nonna had an 'adult discussion'.

You were tense and so was your father. He was fighting with himself to say the next words but he had no other choice.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know," he said first and took a deep breath when you nodded in acknowledgement of his apology. "I seem to do a lot of stuff that hurts you and... to be honest with you, I hate the boy. Not only for his involvement with... You-know-who. But also because of his mother and what he reminds me of. I even blamed him for when your mother left. It almost seems as if he was designed by the universe to torture me."

You frowned at your father's words. A wave of pure rage and fury flooded your system but you recalled Severus' words _'W_ _hen I try to imagine myself in his situation, I have to agree with him to a certain degree.'_ and _'_ _I'm just trying to understand it.'_. You took a steadying breath and tried to reign your emotions. You wanted to scream. Why should you be the one acting like a proper adult here? It was so unfair!

"Father, this is not about you hating Severus, as much as it saddens me. It's about you betraying my trust by engaging me to a complete stranger. Not only to me but to you as well!" You stopped to swallow the tears that threatened to show themselves. Your father bowed his head humbly.

"I know. I was angry and sad and lonely and... Y/N... I'm so tired. I really miss her, you know. Your mother always knew how to handle you and your upbringing better than I ever could." His voice was so sad and, proving his words, so tired. You could even see a tear slip down his face before he quickly wiped it with a cough to mask his apparent sadness. '... _try to imagine myself in his situation...'_ rang in your head again. He was lost, you realised. Your mother wasn't dead, so he couldn't grieve her, she hasn't decided to leave him to live a better life so he could make his peace with it and yet... she wasn't with him. How draining it must have been for him? How trapped he must have felt?

"I understand, father," you said painfully. "In my head, with my reason, I can relate. But in my heart, I can't forgive you so easily," you said honestly and tried to convey the depth of his betrayal to him. He gave you the saddest smile and nodded.

"I know. I'll try to change that. I can't promise you to like him but I'll try to..." he trailed off, trying to voice what he was trying to do but couldn't find the words. "I'll try," he said in the end, hoping it would convey _his_ feelings to _you_. You smiled at him for the briefest moment and Tobias felt like he has done something right at last. Like this was the way to go on.


	107. Chapter 107

Severus was sitting in the room with Sylvana who was quietly sipping her tea and he was thinking about what was probably going on with you and your father at the moment. What were you talking about? No, he knew that, but how was it going? 

"You seem nervous," came the voice from the old lady and he turned to her.

"Not nervous, really. I'm just anxious to see her and how she's doing."

Sylvana was more than satisfied with the collected answer. This was truly a good catch, she could tell. The young man reminded her of her own late husband. Though he used to definitely smile more, he had those brooding moods from time to time, he didn't talk much, yet he said all that was important, but most of all, she was reminded of him during the lunch. The fierce protectiveness. That was the sign. Much as she wasn't so fond of her son-in-law, she once saw him this protective towards her own daughter and though, the man was mostly playing on her nerves, she had to admit he was the right one for her daughter. Much like this man in front of her was the right one for her grand-daughter. She was certain of it, no matter what his past was and no matter what the future holds for him. This is it. 

"It will be fine," she said with satisfaction and saw the smallest smile on the young man's face.

"I have no doubt about that."

"Oh? So there's at least one optimistic cell in your body?" she teased him with a smirk which he returned.

"I guess I could blame you for Y/N's sassy nature," he simply commented and Sylvana laughed heartily. 

"If she's really like that, then I've done at least one thing right with her," she said as she had never seen this particular side of her granddaughter. 

"She can definitely hold her own in an argument and she can be very stubborn."

"Good," Sylvana said in a more serious manner, "she'll need it with you by her side, I can imagine."

Severus felt the implications behind the statement and nodded solemnly.

"Without a doubt."

He had no idea what kind of future he could envision for you two, but it was certain, that with him as one of the two, it wouldn't be exactly easy. He once more silently admired your strength and resilience.

\---------------

You and your father went to the dining room, where your nonna and Sev were already seated and they seemed to have a pleasant conversation by his relaxed expression and her twinkle in the eyes. You smiled at that and your father watched closely how your whole face lit up as soon as you laid your eyes on the man you loved. He sighed. His little girl, no longer so little. He never thought himself to be one of the fathers who'd have a problem with becoming the _second_ most important man in their daughter's life, but guess he was wrong at least a bit. His eyes turned towards the young man just as he turned from Sylvana to look at you. Tobias couldn't deny what he saw. The lad was concerned, searching your face for any signs of something bad, and once he didn't find anything his whole body relaxed the tiniest bit in relief. 

You sat next to Severus and your hand went to search for his immediately. He was asking you if everything was okay with his eyes and you smiled at him ever-so-slightly. 

"So, you talked," your nonna said in that neutral voice she used whenever she just wanted to start a new topic of conversation. She once told you that you should never reveal your feelings about a topic until you know how others feel about it. It was a social survival skill, one of many your grandma possessed and tried to pass down onto you.

"So we did," you answered in that same monotone voice with a poker face and you could see her satisfied smile when you glanced her way. 

"It's resolved then," she continued and you looked at your father.

"It's talked through and... on a way to get better, hopefully," you said and your father glanced from you to Severus and back before he cast his eyes downside to the meal that just arrived. 

"I've sent a letter to Hogwarts, stating I prolong the stay here until tomorrow," Sev said and glanced at your father, "since you wanted to talk."

Your father nodded and you only then realised that your two days of paradise were supposed to end tonight. 

"I'd like to stay a day longer and go visit mother," you said as a matter of fact. Severus looked at you and you gave a reassuring squeeze to his hand.

"No problem with me, dear, you two can stay another night here," your nonna said promptly and your father looked at you and then at his mother-in-law. It only then occurred to him to pry upon your sleeping arrangement.

"Both of you? Stay _another_ night?" he asked and frowned. You had no words and had no idea how to react. A part of you was embarrassed to talk about this with your father but you were also angry he could try to ruin another wonderful night with Sev.

"Before you try to valiantly protect my chastity, let me tell you, father, it's a bit too late for that. That being said, let's not make a big deal out of this, please."

Your father frowned even more and his face went a bit red but he closed his eyes tightly and took a few breaths before he resumed eating without another word. Severus gulped down the whole glass of water next to his plate. This would surely make the inevitable talk even more nettlesome. He was getting a slight headache from this and wanted to get through the dinner and the talk as soon as possible to end this awkwardness. Apart from that, the prospect of your arms around him in the bed upstairs was particularly inviting.

As soon as the dinner ended, your nonna gave you a look you knew all too well and stood up, expecting you to follow her. You quickly kissed Sev on the cheek and glanced at your father before you obliged and went out of the room to let the men talk.

Your nonna led you into the small sunroom, which was getting a bit cold as the evening proceeded. 

"Why are we here?" you asked and slightly shivered. Your nonna just gave you a blanket from a nearby basket and took one for herself before she nestled with it in one of the chairs in there in a very unladylike position. You couldn't recall any occasion where you saw her so... unbound.

"This used to be our favourite place in the house. Even after Jeremiah died, I still feel like I can truly relax here and when I look up at the stars, I always feel like he's a bit closer to me. He loved the stars."

You sat down and looked up too.

"I remember. He was talking about the constellations very vividly whenever I was here," you recalled the memories of your grandfather and chuckled a little. "It was actually the only thing he ever talked about."

Your nonna smiled at that.

"He wasn't very talkative, true. Oh, how I hated the stars for a time to take all his attention. Now I feel like I can seek comfort from them as if a part of him was etched into them."

You had no idea where your nonna was going with the conversation but you smiled at that.

"What I want to say is... even the things you hated about them, you think of fondly, once they're gone. Remember that whenever you face difficulties."

Your nonna's voice was an odd mix of playfulness and melancholy. You tightened the blanket around yourself and looked up. The dream of you and Severus being together was getting more real with every day and you felt excited, happy, slightly terrified of the unknown future and all the troubles that would undoubtedly come, but also at peace somehow, knowing that you would face the obstacles together. 

"I'll remember that," you said even though the moment to reply was long past.


	108. Chapter 108

It was awfully quiet in the dining room once the women left. After a few heavy minutes of silence, Tobias snorted.

"I really try to keep my head empty for this conversation but I won't deny that I was a bit... shaken by what Y/N just said," he finished the sentence with gritted teeth and he closed his eyes to try to collect himself again. Severus was watching the man in front of him the whole time.

"Understandably," was all he said, which apparently didn't sit well with the older man.

"Are you mocking me?" he hissed out.

"Not at all."

Tobias relaxed in the chair for a moment, while inspecting the young man in front of him. 

"I'll be honest with you, I don't like you," he said openly and watched the reaction he would get. Severus clenched his jaw and looked sideways for a moment before looking back to the man in front of him.

"Honestly, the feeling's reciprocated," he said without any notable feeling in his voice and Tobias frowned and nodded. Another pregnant pause started to creep up on them but Severus wasn't quite finished. "I don't think much has to change. I'm not here because I want to like you and you're not here to like me either. But maybe we could find the common ground. I want Y/N to be happy and if that means getting along with you, I would be damned if I wouldn't try."

Severus was rigid in his seat and Tobias was frowning more and more as he listened to him. In the end, an unhappy sigh escaped Tobias' mouth.

"You want to _pretend_ to like each other?" 

Severus flinched at that. No. 

"No, I definitely don't mean to lie to her or deceive her that way. I'm simply saying that we could be civil with each other."

Tobias was still having a tough time handling this and, to be honest, the boy wasn't really helping it. He wasn't even trying to gain his sympathies or make himself more likeable.

"Cold politeness," Tobias said and Severus leaned in a bit, placing his forearms on the table.

"Let's set on politeness. I don't have any need for mockery, which 'cold politeness' basically is."

"You were a Death Eater," Tobias growled out his biggest concern but the young man didn't even flinch.

"I was," Severus said in a very collected voice but he definitely had to make it that way. This was a sensitive topic for him as well. "But you didn't like me even before that," he stated calmly and one of Tobias' facial muscles twitched.

"You look a lot like your mother," he simply said as if it would excuse his behaviour all those years ago. Severus frowned.

"Better that way," he said and his thoughts wandered to his father. Tobias noted the frown on the other man's face.

"Not getting along with your father?" he asked curiously. Severus gave him a very stern and intense glare and he seemed to be fuming.

"I tortured the man to oblivion and cursed him to the point he can no longer tell who he is," he growled lowly and darkly but he collected himself quite quickly. "To be completely honest with you, sir, he's probably the main reason I don't like you."

Tobias was left speechless. He was a bit afraid of the young man and even more convinced that he should be nowhere near his daughter but at the same time, he was confused and stunned by the seemingly nonsensical accusation.

"Come again?" he asked weakly.

"You, sir, your curse to be more precise, made my mother marry a brute and complete trash of a human being," Severus elaborated. Tobias had no words to say. Or rather he felt like he had too many and had no idea which he should voice first.

"Anyway, I don't want Y/N to be apart from her family. From what I've heard from her, you and your wife are loving parents and she shouldn't be stripped of that because of me."

Tobias leaned to the table too and frowned.

"Then why don't you leave her alone?" he growled out. Severus felt the hostility from the other man and a fierce expression appeared on his face.

"I've done that once already. She was no better for it. Make no mistake, sir, were I the only one to suffer from the separation, I'd be long gone. But even you can't deny that she'd be heartbroken if that were to happen."

"She'd forget with time," Tobias tried to argue to which Severus only scoffed.

"I left her heartbroken for three years and yet, here we are," Severus said and there was a hint of mockery and disbelieve in his voice he couldn't get rid of. Was this man seriously not seeing that time would do nothing? Was he so naive or simply he just knew his daughter so little?

Tobias let out a grunt and a huff. He knew he was grasping the air but he couldn't help but try. He didn't like this. Not one bit. 

"I've heard your wife left you for a time," Severus started and it made Tobias red in the face and about to say something in his anger but Severus continued. "You love her dearly, that much is clear even to me and I didn't spend that much time in your company. Would you make your daughter undergo the same pain of separation you went through?"

Tobias jerked his head and his brows twitched.

"You have some nerve comparing my love for my wife to yours," he said through gritted teeth, though the mention of causing you such pain made him flinch and think about it. He never wanted you to suffer.

"I'm not comparing my love but hers. Somehow, that love persisted through the years of separation, through all the things I've done and told her about and there's no need to say that it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm ready to fight for it if need be, but I'm here trying to solve this peacefully with as little damage as possible. For her."

There was a sort of passion, fire, in the young man's eyes, that didn't go unnoticed by Tobias and to his distaste, it reminded him of his younger years when he tried to prove he was worthy of Elinor. 

"I can see you love my daughter but for a father, that's hardly ever important. What I want from you is to treat her right." Tobias shook a little as his head recalled your statement about your... chastity. Severus waited for the older man to look him in the eyes again.

"How can a man ever treat the love of his life any other way?" Severus almost whispered once the eye contact was made and he could see that it hit home with Tobias. 

"Well, at the very least, I can tell that you'll never try to sugarcoat anything. That much was clear from our talk," Tobias said while he sagged his shoulders and rested against the chair with closed eyes. He was starting to get tired. He might never be able to like Severus Snape but the boy might have a point. Maybe they could try to tolerate each other. For you. He pictured the soft smile on your lips when you were near Severus and he knew he couldn't deny that you were in love, much to his own charging.

"Very well. Let's tolerate each other. For Y/N," he finally said and saw Severus Snape smile a little. "Not so fast, though. One thing, don't touch my daughter again. Not until she's out of Hogwarts. I want her to graduate and I don't need you to be the cause for her to get kicked out without her education finished."

Severus frowned at that and looked down on the table. It wasn't an unreasonable request but he was more than unwilling to swear it.

"You may overestimate my power over Y/N. I wasn't exactly open to her advances but she's... determined and stubborn when she wants to be," Severus said and smiled at the end, thinking about you. Tobias understood the meaning behind his words and sighed out. Was there really nothing holding you back? 

"In that case, maybe I should talk with her once more," he said defeatedly. Severus kept his smile on and internally wished Tobias luck. If there was a bit of sarcasm in that wish, well...

"If that's all, sir," Severus said and stood up with his hand stretched out for a handshake. Tobias was staring at it a while but eventually, he stood up and shook it. Just at that moment, there was a knock on the door and a moment later, Sylvana stood there. She eyed the handshake and smiled. Then she turned her eyes to Severus.

"I'm in need of your assistance," was all she said and walked out of the room, confident Severus would follow, which he did. They came to the sunroom and Severus laid his eyes on your sleeping body. You were curled up under a blanket and dozing off, illuminated by the moon. It took his breath away for a moment. 

"Don't just stare at her, take her upstairs or her back will be killing her tomorrow," Sylvana said with a little jibe and Severus looked at her with a raised brow and amusement playing around his lips. However, he did as he was instructed and carefully took your sleeping body into his arms. Your unconscious body reacted to the heat coming off of his body by snuggling closer to him and as soon as his familiar smell hit your nostrils you made a content sound in your sleep, which made Severus smile fondly. Sylvana had a smile of her own playing on her lips and she turned to leave, only to stop so she wouldn't bump into Tobias. He stood three steps away from her, watching the scene in the sunroom as well, his expression unreadable. 

"I never really liked you, but despite that, I always knew you were the best option for my daughter," she simply said and it seemed to hit a nerve so she took her leave. She was a lady with some age and needed her bed. Tobias stared mutely as Severus came out of the room with his eyes glued to your face as he made his way through the hallway to the stairs, completely ignorant to his surroundings. As Tobias made his own way to his bed-chamber, Sylvana's words played in his head and right before he fell asleep, he made up his mind to meddle in your relationship as little as possible, preferably not at all. So, reluctantly, he thought it wouldn't be necessary to have the intended talk with you after all.


	109. Chapter 109

You opened your eyes just a little and found yourself engulfed in darkness. Soon enough you took in your surroundings and what's going on when a pair of warm arms gently pulled away from you.

"Sev?" you murmured and tried to catch one of his retreating limbs. He made a grumbly sound in answer and you felt a familiar warmth spread through your chest.

"How was it?" you asked with a bit of a worry in your voice. Severus thought about the answer for a moment.

"I think we found an understanding of sorts," he said in a low voice. "I might have intentionally told him a bit too much of my past to intimidate him just a little."

Your eyes were about to come out of your head when you noticed a small smirk on Severus' face as he quickly stripped and laid down next to you.

"Severus, are you messing with me right now? Are you actually making a joke?" you asked in disbelief and couldn't keep yourself from smiling widely.

"Not exactly, I really did tell him a bit too much," Severus said in a more serious tone but there was a small movement of his shoulders, suspiciously looking like a shrug.

You were happy beyond comparison. And you loathed the fact that you had to go back to school and be in that restrictive teacher-student relationship. More and more were you sure that Severus was your future. More than any career, more than anything else, Severus was your top priority in life and it was both comforting and scary. It occurred to you on a few occasions if you by a chance were in a toxic relationship but your next thought was that you didn't really care. And that might be even scarier. 

"Well, no matter what you might have told him, I'm not about to let you slip away from me."

You put a hand on his pale chest, feeling the firm musculature under the soft silk of his skin. Severus' breath hitched but soon enough he took a hold of himself.

"I was sort of counting on that," he said with a soft smile and somehow it made your heart soar that he recognized just how much you were willing to do for him.

"You know, I've read quite a few novels and I always found it infuriating when a male lead took it upon himself to do 'what was right', for the main heroine, a.k.a. leaving, without even talking to her about it. How many misunderstandings could have been avoided if only men acknowledged how much women were able to love them."

Severus knew that once he was just like that and he was entirely too glad that he opposed your father and spoke up against him. He knew, just knew, that you loved him and you only made the feeling in his chest more solid with your words. And how right you were too.

"I guess, that's why we men, need you, women, to tell us just how wrong we are sometimes," he said with a lopsided smile and a small hint of teasing. 

"Maybe that's it."

There were such genuine feelings between you two. You felt the happy bubble floating around you two and you were entirely too happy to let it be and never see another person if it meant you two could be together without interruption.

Severus usually wasn't saying much but his eyes were telling you all he wanted to say. The longer you were with him, the more you understood the importance of the eye contact. He said it all with his eyes and you were keen to know more. 

"Ugh, I kinda hate the fact that we have to go back to Hogwarts and suffer for another six long months," you said, your happiness slightly dimming in the shadow of the nearest future.

Severus just smiled when he heard your whining, though he could relate to the feeling. He didn't want to go back, he didn't want to teach, really. He didn't want to be responsible for Potter and he didn't want to be in his own position. Unfortunately, life isn't always about what we want, he thought grumpily. He simply couldn't let go of his guilt in getting Lily killed and he felt like he owed it to her and to the orphaned toddler. And it wasn't just that. Severus thought about his future with you as well, your children. If the Dark Lord ever truly came back, young Potter would be the only thing in his way if Dumbledore was to be trusted. As soon as Severus deserted, Voldemort became his greatest fear. Now, his fear was intensified by the possible loss of you and your potential kids. If only to prevent such thing from happening, he had to protect the Potter boy for as long as it was possible.

"You're thinking loudly," you said when you noticed the concentration in his face.

"Am I?" he just asked hollowly, his mind still somewhere else and you snorted.

"What is it?"

Severus barely registered your question and turned his face to look you in the eyes. How he loathed the uncertainty of your joined future.

"I'm just overthinking," he dismissed his own fears quickly and though it was clear from your expression that you're not buying his act, you didn't ask for more. Instead, you shifted on the bed to lay half of your weight onto his body and your fingers started to gently caress his torso up and down. Severus closed his eyes and felt like little fairies were dancing on his upper body, that's how light your touches were. He thought that if he was ticklish, he'd be surely a goner by then. It's not like the sensation was doing nothing to him, oh no. He felt the smallest jolts travelling down his body and before long, he had to catch your hand and stop the slow torture with a growl.

"Are you trying to poke a bear with a stick or what?" he said with a gravelly voice and you shivered, though your face tried to maintain an innocent facade.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," you said and he squinted at you.

"Oh, sure you do. I thought of leaving you to sleep peacefully, but now I feel like teaching you a lesson," he said and quickly turned you to your back, his body pressing you to the mattress. You let out a surprised giggle and with a confident smile, you placed your free hand on his face.

"Just when I told you how I hate school, you start to talk about teaching me a lesson. One might think you're the one provoking me."

"Cheeky brat," he murmured before he started a heated kiss.


	110. Chapter 110

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A pure smut chapter 😘 if you don't like, skip, there's no story-telling in here 🤭🤭

Severus had no idea how the tender and serene feeling he felt only moments ago, turned to this hellfire in him as he was kissing you. He should be used to the abrupt changes of emotions he felt when with you by then, but it awed him again and anew each time it happened. As if you were some sort of emotional engine, powering his heart. It sounded ridiculous but it was how he felt. He felt things with you he never had before or he had forgotten about. 

"I don't know if you're making me breath more easily or if you're taking my breath away," he said as he held your body close to his and one of his hands wandered down to your breast.

"Lately, you're really cheesy, you know," you said, still in that teasing tone and Severus smirked at that. Did you seriously try to provoke him? There was still a voice of doubt about his more volatile and violent nature but he quickly shut it up in his head. You could tell by the dangerous glint in his eyes and the change of expression that you're not getting any more sweet lines that night and a shudder ran through you at the thought of all the things he might do to you.

"Let's rectify that," Severus said and suddenly he was everywhere, one hand massaging your inner thigh, slowly creeping up only to stop a breath away from your heated core and slide back down. Tease. His other hand, the one kneading your breast until a moment ago, started to gently circle one digit around your nipple like a vulture. Tease! His mouth was leaving a wet trail from your earlobe to your other breast but his tongue lazily copied the finger near your other nipple. _Tease_! You were a moaning mess before five seconds passed.

Severus was thoroughly enjoying the sounds coming out of you and he wasn't exactly eager to grant you a quick release. 

"Sev! Ah- you..."

Your incoherent words left Severus satisfied as you were writhing beneath his touches. He leaned back to look at you.

"I'm curious..." he said and your eyes snapped open just as his hand left your thigh and started to circle around your nipple just like the other one and his whole body positioned so that it was glaringly clear that your body from the waist down would get no attention from him.

"Sev!" you tried to make your voice threatening but it sounded more like begging. 

Severus, however, didn't relent. The idea occurred to him some time ago and he was eager to test it out.

"I've been curious, Y/N. How arousing do you really find me," he said and he was obviously making his voice deep and sexy purr which made your inner walls clench around nothingness and you whimpered in desperation.

"I know you like it when I talk to you dirty. Your breasts are sufficiently sensitive so... maybe I should focus solely on those, hm?" he said and you were already feeling like screaming from frustration.

"Sev," you moaned as his thumbs started to circle closer to the hardened peaks.

"Hm, I like it when you say my name, Ms Y/L/N."

Another empty clench. Cheater, he knew exactly how much you loved the student-teacher 'role-play' though in real life you found it to be a real pain. Severus could say by your quickened breath louder moan that this was the way to go.

"Say it again, Ms Y/L/N, say your teacher's first name while he tortures your dirty, needy body."

You gasped at the feeling he induced with those words and as if on cue, which was possible since he was very perceptive, his thumbs finally came to your nipples to tease them with slow, deliberate movements. 

"Sev!" you gasped and you could say how satisfied he was with it by looking at him. 

"Full name," he growled out despite the pleased expression.

"Severus," you moaned wantonly and your hips tried to create friction by moving in all directions. It was useless, however.

"Tsk, very needy, indeed. I should probably make a note to myself to teach you some self-restraint," he said in that authoritative tone he used in his classes. 

"Ehm! But sir... this is just for you! I-I can restrain myself otherwise, I swear!" you almost cried out. Two could play this game and you felt a great deal of satisfaction when you saw the lustful look on Severus' face.

"Ms Y/L/N," he growled out while he looked as if every fibre in his body was stretched to the max. Tense. He stopped the circling and took your nipples between thumps and point fingers to pinch them slightly. It felt sinfully good and you made it known vocally as well, which made Severus add some pressure and even twist a little. That made your eyes go wide a bit at first, the slight pain mixing in with pleasure.

"I see that you're one of the students who answer better to a bit... rougher approach."

How he made his voice so sinfully sexy while saying all this dirt was beyond you but it worked like a magic and you felt the building of your orgasm in your abdomen while a streak of wetness escaped your folds. Apparently, you weren't the only one who noticed that.

"Look at you. Dirty little thing, so wet already," he said it as if he was disappointed and it made you clench even harder. He was so sexy when he was a bossy teacher.

"Sev," you mewled out and your body arched lightly towards his working fingers.

"So impatient to feel me inside you. I'm afraid, however, that you're gonna have to try harder, Ms Y/L/N. You see, until I hear you screaming my name and see your core muscles spasming like crazy around nothing, I won't be giving you any part of me where you want it," he said as he neared your ear to whisper the last part to you intimately. 

You wanted to ask him, how he could possibly see such a thing. It sounded ridiculous. As if he read your mind, which maybe he did, he answered.

"I'll be watching you most closely," he said and while his fingers were still working diligently, he moved his body so his head was near your entrance and his eyes almost devoured the sight in front of them while you silently thanked whatever greater being that his arms were so long he could make this work.

"I must say, I quite like what I see, Ms Y/L/N," he said in a quieter purr and you felt his hot breath on you and shivered and spasmed. You were almost certain that with his next sentence the stimulation would be too much. 

"Sir, please!" you begged because you knew he'd have to answer. He chuckled and blew some hot air onto your sensitive parts while the sound of his short laugh rang in his throat. It made you as close to the peak as possible, practically standing on the edge.

"Be a good girl and come for me," he whispered and his fingers made a rougher twist than any before.

"SEV!" you cried out his name as you came and you tried desperately to catch your breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay.... so the smut is about to continue in the next chapter... I didn't expect this to be so long 😅 but we need to make our future hubby feel good too right? 😉


	111. Chapter 111

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 😳😳 honestly, I'm blushing severely after rereading the last chapter and this one isn't helping much 🙈🙈 it's seriously a different feeling when you're reading something like this, knowing you were the one who wrote it 😅😆

Severus was watching your blissful face and then some more, basking in your afterglow. Until his own need got itself known, painfully almost, and he groaned out loud. The sound made you look at him and before Severus was able to comprehend what was happening, you turned him over and straddled him with a look both dangerous and promising pleasure. Severus definitely hoped the later would be the case and you dragged your hands from his shoulders to his abdominal muscles as if to answer him that yes, he'd be pleasured all right. 

You leaned over to his neck and started to kiss him there while your hands slid even further down to touch him where he really needed you. Apart from an almost silent gasp, he was quiet and that wasn't to your liking at all and so you started to suck on the thin skin under his earlobe. He grunted a little and you almost thought he was doing it on purpose and so you straightened to look at him. 

"Are you really gonna make me work so hard to hear you?" you asked him and his small smirk and twitch of an eyebrow were all the answer you needed.

"Very well," you said in a hushed whisper and your hands went from light touches to some actual work as you descended with your mouth to lick a wet trail along his breastbone. 

Severus choked out some involuntary sounds which he tried to keep down and you smiled in victory. But you went down his body to continue. You glanced up to his eyes which were watching you intently as you slowly slipped your tongue out of your mouth and sensually licked the head of his rockhard manhood. The light flutter of his eyelids spoked volumes and it made your heart skip a beat. So you repeated the action but this time you dipped the tip of your tongue into the small opening at the top, licking the precum there.

"Y/N," he said and it sounded like a deep-throated and harsh moan. The sound made _you_ moan. You placed your lips around the head of his member to stifle your next moan as one of your hands left his flesh to dip two fingers into your own wet core. Severus couldn't exactly see the motion but he had a pretty good idea what you were doing to yourself and it made him twitch in your mouth. 

You sucked him deeper and deeper into your mouth, one hand assisting in stroking the part you couldn't fit there and the other going quicker and quicker inside you as you got wetter and wetter. You were soon moaning almost without a stop and the soft vibrations in your mouth made Severus hiss with bliss.

He was barely holding himself but he refused to cum just yet. He wanted to observe how you were playing yourself and so he grabbed your head, maybe a bit too roughly in his enthusiasm and made you release him. Soon enough he had you on your back, wide-eyed.

"Continue," he growled and first you wanted to crawl back to his sitting body to continue the blow-job but he pressed you back to the mattress and shook his head while his hands slid from your shoulder to grab your wrist and move towards the wet hot slickness between your legs.

Understanding dawn on you and you resumed your self-pleasuring while his coal-black eyes watched your small fingers. He placed his hands on your inner thighs, spreading them as far as possible and then gently massaging them. You whimpered.

"Sev, I need you," you said, your own fingers making you unsatisfied with the amount of fullness. Sev looked up at you.

"Let me see you properly." And he looked back down on you.

You clenched around your finger at that and slowly moved them out. Properly. He said to let him see properly. Though it was slightly embarrassing, you left your two retreating fingers on your lower lips and spread them apart. Severus watched the motion as if charmed by a spell, completely transfixed and when you finished he glanced at your face quickly before returning back to the sight you presented to him. 

Severus didn't think of this exactly when he said he wanted to see you and it caught him by surprise but what a surprise it was! He lamented at the fact it was a tad too dark to see you properly and he quickly rectified it which made you squirm a little. Were you self-conscious? Insecure? What fallacy! You were a goddess in his eyes, yes a goddess who opened up her shrine, her temple to him and he would go and worship you properly. He came closer to taste you, to lick properly. 

"Sev, please," you begged him and he felt like he had to oblige, though his ego was very satisfied with your begging. He placed a kiss to your inner thigh and went up. He hovered over you and slowly guided himself to the welcoming warmth of your body.

You were so elated you almost forgot you wanted to repay him, yet, somehow, he was making all the work himself again. You pulled your arms around his neck to bring him closer to your body and turned him around. Once again on top. You started to rock your hips as you took in his surprised face. Back and forth. 

Severus watched you for a moment and then placed his hands on your hips to guide you to some less dull movement. You felt the pressure and your body obeyed his hands, resulting in small circles. Then, after a while, he pushed your back and you leaned on your hands just as he made your ass pump up and down. Finally, he pushed you back as he sat up, lowering your body in the opposite direction and the new angle created a new wave of pleasure and you gasped at the feeling.

You were both rocking your hips and you were both desperate for release. The movements were becoming more jerky and incoherent. Severus placed his thumb on your clit and it took exactly four circle motions of his finger to make you gasp and spasm around him, taking him over the edge as well. 

You were both panting and slightly sweating as you both slumped your sitting bodies against each other, resulting in a hug of sorts before Severus fell backwards and took you with him to lie down. Though he was softening inside you the sudden movement made him rub against your tender flesh and it made you shudder. 

You laid on him for another moment or two as you tried to make your tired legs listen to you again. Once they did, you moved up and made him slip out from you, which made a mixture of liquids come out of you as well. You quickly went to the bathroom to clean yourself up and brought a wet towel for Sev later only to find him clean already and happily resting in the bed. You crawled back to him and under the covers, snuggling as close to him as possible.

"Good night, Sev."

"Hmm," was his tired answer as he was half-asleep already and you closed your eyes with a content smile on your lips.


	112. Chapter 112

You were standing in front of the St. Mungo's with Severus and your nonna - all of you agreed that your father would benefit from a day of peace and quiet to gather some strength, plus it would be less tense without him present.

Once you entered your mother's room, you immediately went to kiss her forehead and grab her hands in yours. You felt tears pricking your eyes at the sight of her. It was almost as if no time passed since your last visit. She was lying in the bed, much like last time, her eyes closed and her face peaceful. Almost like a statue. 

Severus came closer to the bed and brought you out of your reverie. 

"Here," he said and stretched out a hand with his potion. You looked at it and then at him.

"Ehm, should I be... is it a good... could you...?" 

You were thinking out loud and dismissing the thoughts even before you were able to say them and eventually your hand went to grab the small vial from Severus. 

"How?" you asked eventually. Severus was holding your stare in silence for a while, a part of him battling with the fact that he already told you but he could see how distressed you were and so he sighed out softly.

"Massage her temples and forehead with it. For as long as you feel it under your fingertips, it needs to soak in properly."

"Like a lotion," you whispered absentmindedly as you popped the cork out of the vial and tilted it to let some liquid flow into your palm. You softly chafed the potion between your hands equally and then you started to rub them against your mother's forehead carefully, slowly making a path to her temples and back. 

You've heard Severus shift in his place and you startled a bit that you were doing something wrong but he spoke quickly.

"It's possible, that one massage won't be sufficient."

You wanted to answer to that but your nonna got ahead of you.

"I think I should manage to do it. I visit every day anyway," she said and sounded so tired and worried at the end that it made you feel really bad for visiting so irregularly. 

Severus looked at you. He might not be reading your mind but he knew you well enough to be sure you were just blaming yourself. He came closer to you and put both hands on your shoulders to grab them and ease the tension there a bit. 

"Thank you," you breathed out quietly and didn't know if you were thanking him or your nonna. Neither of them responded, but if you would look at Severus, you'd see a very adoring expression on his face. He fixed it quickly, however. During those two days he spent with you in safe surroundings, he forgot to be wary. Surely, Dumbledore wouldn't be pleased, and if he was honest with himself, he was worried about you. He had to rule his emotions better in public places. 

"I need to leave, I'm already late," Severus said just as your hands left your mother's skin. You turned to him, many emotions raging in your eyes and then you basically jumped onto him, your arms winding around his neck. He was a bit taken aback by such a brazen display of affection but he quickly tightened his arms around you and he breathed in deeply. You were about to see each other in a matter of hours but it felt like you were saying goodbye for a long time. It was ridiculous to him, yet he wasn't any more willing to let go of you. 

"Be careful," you said to him, not even knowing why. He wasn't going anywhere dangerous.

" _You_ be careful," he said in return and let go of you so he could cup your face and look into your eyes. Then he kissed you, quickly but passionately and let go just as quick, turning away swiftly. Like ripping off a plaster.

Once Severus was gone, your nonna came closer to you. You looked at her but her eyes were fixed on your comatose mother as if hoping to see her wake up right away.

"He's a good man, Severus. I hope he's also a skilful one," she said in a faraway voice. You could tell her mind was running miles but you couldn't give her false hope and so you simply said the most assuring truth you could.

"He's very good and I believe in him."

\--------------

Once Severus came back to Hogwarts he was almost run over by work. A New Year's Eve was to be yet another celebration as it seemed and before the dinner time, he was getting a serious headache. When Severus asked Dumbledore why he was throwing yet another party for students, he simply said that it's a celebration of both New Year and two months from Voldemort's fall. 

Severus felt like a bucket of ice-cold water was poured onto him. Like he was slapped in the face. Two months. Two months since she died. He changed so much since then. Even more so since the beginning of the year. A part of him felt guilty still, that he changed so much but a way bigger part of him wanted to make this celebration a successful end of the last year and a new beginning for him.

He dived into it head-on and he was so into it that he had barely any time for you in the next two days before the celebration. As a matter of fact, you had your head preoccupied elsewhere as well.


	113. Chapter 113

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I'm a sucker for balls 😍😅

As soon as you arrived back to Hogwarts, you tried to ease your troubled mind by unpacking and some hot water running down onto your body. By the time dinner arrived, you were feeling slightly better, though the image of your mother still popped out whenever you closed your eyes for more than a quick blink. You sought out Severus at the staff table and as if on cue, his eyes raised to meet yours for a heart-beat before he turned them away towards Flitwick who was asking him about his little holiday. 

You looked at your own table. Slytherins were mostly gone for holidays, none of them too keen to spend more time at Hogwarts than absolutely necessary. And their families were even more eager. Then your eyes caught on a slumped figure of a girl. Lavender. She was definitely one of those who never stayed. You took your own plate and came to her, sitting down next to her.

She yanked her head up and there was a very strange expression there, one you couldn't decipher at all.

"What do you want?" she asked, her voice hoarse. You noticed her eyes were red-rimmed as well.

"Nothing."

"Then why are you here?" she asked a bit more offensively.

"Beats me," you answered honestly. "A sense of... kinship?"

"Kinship?" she almost growled out and you'd never heard such a sound coming from a girl before. "I was... you just watched."

You gulped down your guilt, no idea why you were feeling guilty in the first place. Maybe because you were too afraid to help her yourself and had to get a third party? It was a reasonable thing to do, right? But... could you have prevented it from happening? Were you there before Lavender was... violated? Your mind couldn't recall, protecting itself by forgetting most of the details of that night.

"I was at my grandma's, came today. My father came too and announced that I'm engaged to... Bertram Nott."

Lavender's eyes widened in fear and then in understanding.

"I had a fierce fight with him and eventually," you made a nervous pause, "I told him about what happened."

The girl in front of you frowned and drew in a shaky breath.

"I didn't... name you, of course," you said to reassure her that her name wasn't tarnished, though you suspected she was more ashamed than worried about her family name. She nodded in acknowledgement to you anyway and you were glad she wasn't offended or angry. Her face was... empty if anything. 

"I should have listened to you, you know. I didn't go with him to the ball, it might not have happened," she said in a thin voice as if she were somewhere else, which she probably was. You shook your head lightly.

"No, Lavender, this is _not_ your fault, understand? Maybe it wouldn't have happened if you didn't go with him but maybe there'd be no difference or maybe it would be some other girl in your position right now. The fault is definitely his, not yours."

You were boiling more and more with each word you said but got slightly calmer when you saw Lavender nod her head. She was a bit teary-eyed but managed to throw a weak smile your way, which you returned with tight jaws, still angry with that dipshit Nott. 

\----------

During the next two days, you were mostly worrying between your mother and Lavender, who was getting friendlier but she was by no means social.

When the New Year's Eve ball came knocking on your door, you had barely anything prepared. No dress, no shoes, nothing. You could 'recycle' the ones from the Christmas ball but your nonna's stern frown popped out in your head immediately. You had no idea how she'd find out but she would and then she'd give you hell about how you cannot show up in the same dress with so little time apart and how it looks cheap and it throws a bad light on your family. So you got up with a groan and an intended trip to Hogsmead. However, as it turned out during breakfast, there was no need for that a huge box got delivered to you by one owl, only to be followed by another one with a small box.

You stared at it, wide-eyed and uncomprehending but you noticed one of the owls was very familiar. Your nonna. She sent the smaller box, which upon further inspection, contained some very exquisite jewellery and a note. 

_Dearest,_

_use them well, I'm sure you'll look beautiful in them._

_Your mother looks to be doing better. She didn't wake up but the healers say she's been tossing around in her sleep and there are some other reactions which point to her possible awakening. Thank Severus for me, will you, dear?_

_Yours_

_Sylvana Bluespire_

_P.S. Don't you dare to match this jewellery to an old dress!_

You smiled widely at the note. Finally, some good news about your mother and the post scriptum was spot on with your morning thoughts as well. You folded it neatly and moved on to the huge package. 

Severus watched you intently as you read the note and your soft smile made his mouth twitch but he was keeping his stone-faced expression otherwise and waited for your reaction to his gift. You tore the paper, not very carefully, and picked up the lid of the box. You stopped mid-air, your eyes popping out in surprise. Severus couldn't tell, however, if you liked it or not. After a while, you put the lid aside and your hands seemed to be touching the dress inside with awed face. And then, there it was. A brilliant smile on your face he wanted to see, your eyes were almost sparkling with excitement and Severus knew it was worth it.

You were touching the soft-pink fabric. It wasn't really your colour and you'd never pick it yourself but the black flower-patterned lace was making it quite breath-taking and you couldn't wait to get dressed. You contemplated whether it's absolutely necessary to go buy a new pair of shoes because as it seemed it would be the only thing lacking. Since the dress seemed to be a floor-length gown, you decided that already worn and thus more comfortable shoes would be just great since no one would see them anyway. 

You raised your eyes then to look at Severus who was gazing at you and it became blatantly clear who was the sender of the beautiful piece of clothes. How could you ever deserve this man...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As for the dress... I had something like this  
> https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NP9N187/ref=twister_B072JGMHJ4  
> in my mind but feel free to let your imagination run whichever way 😉😊


	114. Chapter 114

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ball is here 😍

"Can someone please explain to me, why the hell do we have yet another ball?" Vistaria groaned as soon as she entered the dorm room with her trunk and owl. Kirtida arrived only moments ago and you were happily brushing your hair while the two girls tried to unpack quickly. There wasn't much time to prepare but then again, being a witch had its perks. 

You'd heard another groan from Vistaria as she unpacked the ball gown she, obviously, hadn't seen until then. It was a deep purple velvet dress, which was meant to hug her body tightly. As she put it on, you also noticed a very high slash quite deep neckline. 

"My mother just _has_ _to_ make me wear the most slutty thing she finds in the shop, does she?" Vistaria grumbled as she watched herself in the mirror with a frown. She made a swish with her wand and created high bun on her head to look even more strict than she already had. 

Kirtida came out of the bathroom in a soft blue A-shaped dress with a huge white ribbon around her waist tied at her back. She looked like an angel, especially with her hair all wavy and free to bounce around her smiling face. 

You felt too overdressed. With an actual gown, princesses style and all, you felt like you shouldn't overdo your hairdo as well, but when you made it too simple it just looked like an offence to the dress. You sighed with exasperation after your seventh attempt on the hairdo.

"I just can't get this right!" you muttered angrily and tried to imagine something that would go with the dress but wouldn't make you feel like you're trying to steal the spotlight for yourself. Honestly, that was the last thing you wanted to do. You wanted to have a peaceful night, not spend it all with refusing dances and advances of your classmates. 

"The only thing good about this one is, that we don't need partners. Until midnight, of course," Vistaria said with a noted dose of disgust at the end. At midnight of the New Years Eve, it used to be a custom to dance with someone you wanted in your life in the upcoming year as well. You remember how you always danced between your mother and father as a child. With Dark Lord's rise, all the festivities and joyous celebrations vanished. Dumbledore was apparently keen on reintroducing them into the wizarding society again. 

"I'm gonna dance with you," you said bitterly. No way you could dance with Severus and Vistaria was definitely a friend you wanted to keep in your life. Vistaria rolled her eyes.

"Sure. I can see it already, you're going to slip out to dance with your beau."

You smirked at that. It wasn't exactly a bad idea. 

\------------

Kirtida was all jittery to see Daniel after their separate time at their respective homes. She practically ran to the Great Hall and her head jerked from side to side in her desperate search of the chestnut hair, her ears wired up on the boisterous laugh and her body was leaning its weight from one foot to another and back.

"She's like a taut spring, ready to snap," Vistaria whispered to you in a slightly amused voice and you giggled at it. 

"DANIEL!" you both heard her loud voice and saw many standbys turn their heads toward your noisy friend in surprise. Kirtida didn't spare them one look as she started to run to her very surprised but smiling boyfriend. She almost tackled him to the ground but he was sturdy enough to catch her and steady them both as she collided with him.

You and Vistaria started to laugh until you were joined by Zachary who smiled at both of you.

"Hope your holidays were fine," he said too formally. Vistaria gave him one her trademark scowls.

"I see you've spent it in a similar company as I did," she said and this time Zachary made a face.

"Most likely."

They started to rant about their pure-blood families and you took your leave. You went for a punch and on took in the splendour around. Fortunately, it looked like your dress wasn't the only fancy gown in the room and you breathed out a sigh. Your eyes fixed on a figure in the corner then and your legs took their course. 

"Hey, you okay?" you asked as you assessed Lavender's dress. Turtleneck, long sleeves, long coalescent skirt. It was painfully obvious she tried to look as unsexy and unappealing as possible and you felt a wave of pity which quickly shifted to anger.

"Okay sound about right," she said, annoyed and dry. 

"Right," you said slowly and quietly. There was a long pause.

"I don't need your pity, Y/L/N, I am perfectly fine here on my own."

You scoffed at that.

"Yeah, but I have nowhere else to be. Both my friends are currently preoccupied elsewhere and I have some time on my hands anyway."

Lavender frowned.

"So I'm your afterthought? Someone to go to when your friends are busy?" she asked and she was irritated. So were you.

"You weren't exactly at the top of my list until recently, quite contrary to be honest. So, yes, my long-time friends are more important to me than you, that shouldn't be a huge surprise. I tried to reach out, have a chat, but if you're going to be a bitch about it, I can very well take my leave."

You were about to turn but you felt a hand on your forehand and stopped.

"Sorry," was all she said but that was probably the best you'd get out of her so you let it go.

"Look, I get it, you have it rough now, you're friends aren't here-"

"My _friends_ , as you say, severed all contact with me."

She was frowning deeply but her voice wasn't angry, it was sad, wavering and quivering. You slowly placed your hands on her arms and when she looked at you with suspicion on her face you pulled her into a quick hug.

"Sorry, that sucks," you said once you were face to face again and you let go of her, recalling Severus's warning to not touch people who were through Lavender's situation too much. 

\------------

The rest of the evening went very well, you even danced with Zachary, Daniel and two other guys. You chatted with many people, even those you weren't going along with especially well. As if the promise of a new year without fear and darkness was also a promise of a new life, a new beginning. You understood the feeling all too well because that's how you felt with Severus only a few days prior. 

Severus was nowhere to be found for most of the evening, though you tried to find him too many times in the crowd but with no luck. As the midnight was only a minute away, you spotted him out near the entrance. You excused yourself from your friends and tried to get to him in time through the thick crowd of people. Why were they all so... there was plenty of space in the hall but it looked like everybody wanted to be at one place. Arguably, the table full of food was a logical gathering place.

"Sir," you said once you got to him and smiled. "Enjoying yourself?" you asked. Severus quickly looked around and you did same. Everyone was concentrated on the huge magical clock at the front of the room. 

"Come with me," he whispered lowly. You looked around once more and then went quickly after his retreating form. 

In the corridor outside the Great Hall, there were two couples, snogging like it was their last time and Severus growled lowly which made the four students stop and stare in fear of punishment at the fierce professor. 

"Inside, now," Severus growled out in that low and deliberate voice which made the students quickly obey if they were of sound mind or tremble in fear if they were of weaker nature. The students looked shocked they were not being punished but it made them even quicker to listen to him in case he'd change his mind. 

Severus took your hand and moved you further into the shadows of the dark corridor and away from the opened wooden door to the Hall. He softly placed his other hand on the smaller of your back and fixed his posture to a dancing stance. You smiled softly and just as you placed your other hand on his shoulder a quiet sound of the music from the Hall started playing.

"I didn't think it possible," you said quietly and Severus made a sound in his throat to indicate he heard you but other than that he continued to swing you and move you around in silence. 

"It was my turn to steal a dance for us," he said after a while and you chuckled.

"That's right," you said in good spirit and heard the soft short laughter he sometimes let out around you. Though the sound of it started to become more familiar to you, it still made your chest tighten with happiness.

"Thanks for the dress, it's... wonderful."

"It's a good fit then," he said, calm and collected, as if it wasn't the cheesiest line he could possibly say in the situation. You started to laugh and Severus took a mental note that the cheesy stuff was indeed a very effective way to make you laugh and so he'd use it wisely. 


	115. Chapter 115

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooo sorry for being this late!! 😬😬 Looking for a job at this time is such a nightmare! Unless you're an IT person...

Normally, the first week of a new year was calm, but you were in your last year, N.E.W.T.s ahead and everyone was panicking. You were no exception, though you didn't fear the tests, but your entire future. And there were some other things on your mind. Like, your mother or Sev's upcoming birthday.

"This is the worst!" Vistaria groaned over a book of Transfiguration. "I've had enough! I'm going to be a pro Quidditch player anyway, so why do I even have to study this?!"

"Don't start! You're still a year behind! We are the ones deciding our whole future in a few months!" you answered in a hurry and a load of anxiousness.

"QUIET!" Kirtida screamed from the black leather couch in your commons and everyone looked her way. When she was angry, she was super scary and most of those who knew her wrath never wanted to face it again and suddenly the chitter-chatter in the room went completely silent and as if on cue, everyone started to study quietly.

\---------

On the 9th of January, you were full of jittery energy. You went into Severus's office first thing in the morning and gave him a large grey box with a green velvet bow over it and a huge grin on your face.

As soon as he opened the door to his office with a bit of surprise he took in the large gift in your hands and with a frown he quickly looked around. 

"Are you out of your mind?" he growled lowly when he ushered you in.

"Calm down, Sev. No one apart from you is awake at 6 a.m. on Saturday. I was receiving some death glares when I was preparing everything earlier."

Severus stopped in his tracks and raised a brow.

"Everything?" he asked suspiciously.

"Happy birthday!" you hollered and shoved the huge box into his torso. His hand slowly lifted to receive the gift and he sighed exasperatedly.

"You know I don't need any gifts from you," he said and carefully placed the box on his desk. His dexterous fingers quickly yet elegantly untied the bow and he lifted the lid up. He frowned and looked up at you with an unsaid question in his eyes.

"Well, obviously, I don't know your measurements, so it's not like I can really give you any proper clothes, so I just bought the fabric. You'll have to do the rest yourself. But what do you say?" you asked with eagerness as he touched the exquisite fabric. "I also added some buttons in there. I know you're mostly into dark colours but when I saw them I just couldn't help myself, it'll be a great contrast!"

Severus took in the sight of the black and dark grey fabrics and he quickly fished out a smaller box. He opened it and inside were two dozens of opal buttons, shiny and vibrant. It was the white kind of opal with all the colours of the rainbow shining in it softly under a different light. 

"I... can't take it," he said in the end and you frowned at him.

"Oh, not this again! Come on, Sev! It's my safety bet."

"Safety bet?" he asked, confused again. You looked away from him and sheepishly took your lower lip into your mouth. 

"I have a surprise for you... for later... but I'll need the universe to play into my cards a little here. If it won't, then no surprise I'm afraid."

Severus had to exercise some serious self-control to not go forcefully into your head and figure out what exactly was going on here. But he didn't want to spoil the supposed surprise and so he exhaled. 

"Okay," he said and with a wave of his wand the box disappeared and you could only guess that it was in his private chambers. You grinned at him but his smile was somewhat unpersuasive.

"Am I really pushing this onto you too much?" you asked, suddenly aware that the gift was supposed to give _him_ joy, not you, and it was nowhere to be found on his face.

Severus searched your expression and thought about it.

"I'm not used to getting expensive gifts or any gifts, as you know. I'm just... not sure what you'll expect from me in return. I can't give you... much."

Oh. _Oh._ So it was about money. You smiled at him.

"Sev, I don't _expect_ anything. Also, you just gifted me the most amazing dress not even two weeks ago. It wasn't my birthday or anything, either. I know you're a generous person and I don't need you to prove it with expensive gifts," you said slowly and then your expression turned to the teasing mischievous one. "Also, I intend to enjoy as much of my father's money as I can, given the fact that he was such a jerk to you."

Severus frowned once more. For him, that was yet another reason why to deny the gift if he was being honest but with a further look at your glowing face, he tried to swallow his pride in this case.

You could see his internal battle. His face was usually extremely stoic when he was experiencing conflicted emotions, you noticed he tried to conceal them and he was very skilful in it, too much actually. You leaned into him and stretched your neck and face to his with a clear intent of kissing him, but a knock on the door disrupted you. With wide eyes, you quickly went to the huge mirror and after a few seconds, you were behind the thick wooden door leading to Severus's chamber, just in time to hear two young voices. Yeah, normal people were not up at this hour, but you managed to forget about Prefects, Head Boy and Head Girl. 

Severus was still in shock from you swift departure to his chamber, so he didn't even notice the two boys marched into his office without being called upon. They were giving some report about... something. Severus blinked and focused on the task at hand, some troublesome third years were duelling and one of them got into a Hospital Wing, while the other, Slytherin, was in need of punishment. Severus came out with the boys with a quick glance back at the door. He hoped this wouldn't take too long.


	116. Chapter 116

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shameless smut 🤭... maybe not entirely shameless 🙈😳🙈😳
> 
> OH, and some language warning... just a mild one, nothing too bad

You paced around Severus's room when it came. You froze on the spot and with widened eyes glanced down on your body quickly. Then with a low groan, you made haste to the bathroom. Upon quick inspection, you found just what you expected. 

"Why?! On his birthday! Damn!" 

You quickly made a spell to erase the red stains on your underwear and one to temporarily stop the liquid from escaping your body. You had to go to your room and your hygienic supplies. As soon as you entered the bedroom, you went for the room leading to Severus's office. One quick listen if there was no one there and you were out. Getting out of the office would be more difficult if it weren't for the still quite early hour. Luckily, you got to your dorm room before anyone could notice. 

There were sounds of protest coming from Vistaria as you woke her up, _again_ , and you were only praying that Kirtida would stay tucked in and undisturbed or you'd be fighting like there was no tomorrow. You two learned early on that the combination of her bad sleep and your monthly pains is a concoction for absolute disaster.

"Sorry, period," you growled out and Vistaria just sighed with nothing to add. She knew it would only make things worse. You were truly jealous of how both your friends seemed unaffected by their time of the month. Or rather, Vistaria was even happier because, allegedly, it made her more efficient in Quidditch. How utterly unfair!

\----------

You were in a sour mood the whole day. You 'lucked out' enough to have no cramps this time. _Thank Merlin for small victories in life._ But at the same time, you were pissed off that you couldn't undergo your plan for Sev's birthday. 

"You've been brooding the whole morning!" Kirtida couldn't take it anymore and voiced her frustrations at lunch. 

"It's my 'happy week'," you said, sarcasm thick in your voice.

"No kidding, but usually you're more... bitchy and less... mopey."

You glared at her and she gave you a toothy smile.

"Yeah, better," she said and it made you even more irritated so you let out a deep breath to calm down.

"It's his birthday," you said, suddenly feeling like actually bitching about the unfairness of your life. 

Both girls looked at you and both had those infuriating smiles of understanding the implications.

"So, tell me, are you sulking for not being able to give him some or for not getting some?" Vistaria asked, which made Kirtida laugh like a maniac and you were this close to hurling the rest of your lunch to her face.

"But no, seriously, it's not like you can't do anything at all if he's the one you want to please," Vistaria said more seriously and you looked at her.

"Sure... but I had... I prepared something."

Kirtida raised both brows and was about to ask what it was.

"Not talking about it," you said pointedly at her and she pouted. Like, actually pouted, her cheeks puffed out and her arms crossed on her chest.

"It's not like you can't get him a little late surprise. You can't really do anything about this, can you? It's nature and bad luck," Vistaria tried to reason with you and though it helped a little, your emotions were too haywire to be entirely calmed down by something like reason.

\-------------

Severus wasn't feeling like himself the whole day. The abrupt leave from you in the morning and the fact that he returned to an empty office were sitting wrong with him. No matter how much he tried to shake off the feeling, he simply couldn't. 

In the afternoon, was sitting his office, trying to mark the second year's papers on the Swelling Solution, but his mind was restless and he even caught himself making a scandalous error in his revisions. Just as he was close to tearing one particularly badly written essay, he was interrupted by a soft knock on his door. 

"Come in," he said loudly, maybe louder than was really necessary. 

The door opened slowly and your head popped in with an unusually shy expression. Severus was intrigued by that and raised a questioning brow to ask silently what was this about.

"Can I?" you asked awkwardly, motioning towards the chair. Severus nodded. Something was going on for you to act like this. You don't ask him such stupid questions as if you could sit down normally. He waited patiently for you to sit down and then waited some more for you to explain your strange behaviour. 

"I had a surprise for you."

Your eyes raised from your hands in your lap to meet his. He nodded.

"The uncertain one," he said, his mind running back to the morning. Your face clouded with some sadness and anger.

"Yeah... quite certain now - there'll be no surprise. I was thinking... maybe I could make it up to you... another way?" 

Severus caught on to your meaning quickly and whatever this surprise was, he was sure the compensation would be more than satisfying. A small unwanted part of his brain conjured up the image of your father and his _demand_ for a temporary break from certain activities. He halted that thought, killed it and buried it in the depths of subconsciousness. 

"How did you imagine this... _compensation_ to go?" he drawled out and he felt smug about the visible gulp he saw you make. However, once his eyes moved to your throat and the delicate skin he knew was there, his mirth turned to a need. He needed to touch you, taste you, hold you. He stood up and slowly prowled to you, almost like a predator, while his eyes danced all over your body, stopping at some more pleasing places on the way. 

He could pinpoint the exact moment when you shook off the initial haze of desire and switched to your little-teasing-devil persona and the thought, the anticipation alone, woke up the Lil' Sev in his trousers to life. 

"Oh, I had a very specific scenario in my head. I plan on following it to the tee."

Your voice turned to that seductive tone and he knew a good time was ahead of him. 

"Elaborate," he growled out as his hands landed on your hips and he pulled you in possessively. He relished in the sound of your soft gasp and it made him smirk. You could clearly feel his pressing need for you but you quickly collected yourself and smiled at him impishly. 

"I see you're collaborative already," you said as your hand reached between you two and you pressed one palm to the straining bulge in his trousers. "But I shall prefer your bedroom for any further activities."

Severus took a deep breath and unwillingly turned from you to get the secret door open. Before you could follow him, he spun around and grabbed your hand impatiently. You sniggered at that and let him pull you into his room.

Once inside, you pulled your hand free and pushed his shoulders to seat him on the bed and you backed a few steps from him. 

Severus's eyes were intently watching your every move and suddenly you had an idea. Maybe you weren't comfortable with stripping down but you could warm him up by some moves anyway. You grinned and swayed your hips from side to side. Severus's eyes went from your face to the movement of your lower body and you knew you had him right where you wanted. Getting lost in an imaginary tune in your head, you started to softly hum it as your body moved to the rhythm. You closed your eyes to ease the awkwardness you felt and got fully lost in it.

Severus was watching you and as much as he enjoyed it, he had to strain himself to stay where he was put. He watched your hair, freely bouncing around your face, your hips moving, your hands travelling up and down your body and he just wanted them to be his hands instead.

You were nearing the end of the song and opened your eyes to look at Severus. The look he was giving you made you moan and you felt yourself getting aroused and also getting reminded how your satisfaction was not on the plate that night. 

In a swift motion, you moved down and placed your hands on the cold wooden floor, while your eyes stayed locked with his. You started to crawl towards him and as you hummed the last bits of the song, you were right in front of him, your hands now on his knees.

Severus felt the soft pressure and parted his legs slowly and thoroughly enjoyed how your hands travelled along the inner thighs from his knees to his crotch, where you skipped right for the button of his trousers. You made quick work of it and with his assistance, his lower half was rid of any clothes, the dark fabric pooled at his feet. 

He groaned out as your cold soft fingers touched him and squeezed him ever so slightly. You were down on your knees and the sight of you in that submissive posture while stroking him was flooding Severus's mind with all sorts of dangerous thoughts. They fled from his head the moment you looked at him playfully as your tongue swiped over the head of his member. 

You were pleased by the sounds he made and suddenly you became curious. Severus's whole body shivered as you pried open the small slit at the top of him with the tip of your tongue and there was an appropriate vocal response as well. Your curious tongue played around with him, soon enough you brazenly brushed your teeth over the head and then you tried different combinations of sucking and hand-job. It was driving Severus mad.

"Y/N! Stop playing with me," he groaned out, his voice strained. You stopped and let him out of your mouth as you looked at him, all sweet innocence. He knew all too well, that it meant whatever would come out of your mouth next, would be anything but. 

You were staring at him and this overwhelming need to please him, partly because of the guilt and anger you felt due to your failed surprise, made you say something you'd, at any other time, found too daring.

"I'm not playing, I'm waiting. My mouth is waiting to be properly of service, to be properly _used_ ," you said the last word breathily and almost like a purr and Severus's head was out of order for a moment of surprise. His dark eyes were full of lust but he was still holding himself in check, staring into your eyes for any sign of fear or uncertainty. 

"You'll be a death of me," he said hoarsely as his hands went to the sides of your face then slowly move into your hair. He tugged as he stood up from the bed, bringing your head up with him, so you were still on your knees but your butt wasn't touching your heels anymore. You placed your hands on his thighs for balance and support, waiting for Severus's next move. 

He freed one of his hands to hold his hard member in position.

"Open," he said and you opened your mouth obediently. You thought he'd move in but he was standing still, watching you. You thought you were supposed to move to him but when you tried, the hand in your hair jerked your head back, and you hissed at the short pain in your scalp. 

"Eager?" he asked with a hint of mockery and you found it a bit irritating, which projected to your face clearly. Severus was even more spurred by your expression of defiance. Without further ado, he sheathed himself in your warm mouth and watched your eyes bulge out with satisfaction. He didn't give you much time to think before he started to move his pelvis while he held your head steady by your hair. 

You felt him go in and out, his tempo moderate and the depth bearable, nothing over the top. Just as you finished this thought with the sliver of disappointment, he grabbed your head into both hands and started to move you against his hips. You felt your gauging reflex kick in but Severus changed his tempo and just as your constricted throat relaxed, he was in again and out before you knew it. After a few more of these thrusts, you felt tears pricking your eyes and a streak of saliva sliding down your chin.

"So damn beautiful," Severus groaned. He knew this would be another of those images he'd burn into his brain to stay there for as long as he lived. You sobbed or attempted to, but weren't allowed to. Severus brushed a few loose strands of hair behind your ear and caressed your cheek tenderly in contrast to what the rest of his body was doing.

"Just relax for me," he whispered and you tried to breathe in and out, relaxing the muscles in your throat. "That's right, good girl," he said and your knickers got all soaked through. The praise out of his mouth seemed to do that every time without exception. Even when your body was in its 'no sex' mode.

Your little whine after he praised you, made your mouth vibrate sweetly around him and with a curse word or two, he picked up his tempo. You were overwhelmed by it but noticed his desperation for release. At the last moment, he tried to pull out but you had your own idea about that and grabbed his butt tightly and pushed your head towards him, even if his hand tried to pull it away. You heard his loud exclamation as he emptied himself inside your mouth, so far in, it almost felt like you didn't need to gulp it down at all but you did anyway. 

As he tried to pull away completely, you sucked hard to squeeze every last drop out of him and hissed at the surprising act. He came out with a loud 'plop' sound and you grinned at him widely, though your face was a mess of tears, sweat and saliva. 

Severus sacked down on the bed and breathed heavily but he was on cloud nine. 

"Happy birthday," you said, your voice hoarse and deep from the strain and Severus smiled at that. What a sexy voice it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS LONG!!! Okay, lots of skips from now on... or maybe one big skip to the end of the year because... THIS IS SO LONG!!! 😂😂😂 I'm starting to lose my spirit and ideas for writing!! 🤯🤯 I have some ideas but it would take so long to get to them... anyway, I plan to AT LEAST give my readers the wedding WE DESERVE!!! I hate it when the fic is discontinued and unfinished so I'll try my best to push this through the finish line 🏁🥇🏁


	117. Chapter 117

Somehow, for some reason, Kirtida thought it smart to avoid Daniel for almost a month. She did it partly on purpose because the nerves of upcoming N.E.W.T.s were draining her to the point she could hardly do anything other than study. 

By the end of March, Daniel seemed to be just about fed up with it as it seemed because Kirtida noticed he was in a very happy and peachy mood, surrounded by a _horde_ of girls, all fanning over his latest Quidditch victory at lunch. Kirtida didn't even notice there was a match recently. She did notice the apparent treats the Griffindor Seeker, her boyfriend, currently enjoyed.

With a deep frown, she didn't think of too much and she approached the laughing boy. 

"Hi, can we talk?" Kirtida said as soon as she approached him and Daniel's laughter died on his lips. He nodded solemnly and made excuses to the girls around. Some of them just nodded, some of them were shooting Kirtida down with their glares.

Once they left the Great Hall and went in a direction of some quiet corner, Kirtida stopped. She was fuming and Daniel looked at her, up and down, and sighed.

"Well, out with it."

Kirtida was a bit surprised by this. She expected some sort of angry or defensive stance, but Daniel looked like he knew exactly what she had to say and had a reasonable enough response so he wasn't even bothered to get angry about it. That made her waver in her anger, yet it also irritated her more somewhat. She took a deep breath to calm herself and think about what and how she wanted to say.

"I know I've been busy these days," she started and Daniel just raised one brow, "but is this how you... cope with it? By flirting with other girls?" she stared at him resolutely, the hints of anger in her dark eyes. Daniel frowned.

"I wasn't flirting. I was doing the same as you were."

"Is that so?" Kirtida asked in disbelieve. "How exactly is studying for a better future even remotely comparable to what you were doing right there?" She was getting angrier, and worse, this seemed like an offence to her ambitions for some sort of accomplishment.

This time, the anger reflected in Daniel's eyes. He changed his relaxed posture into a more uptight one. Ready for a fight.

"I know this might seem a bit strange to someone so... academically driven, but not everyone has a goal that needs good N.E.W.T.s results. I want to be a professional Quidditch player. Engaging with fans is a part of it, thus why I was talking with the girls inside. It's rewarding to hear that your hard work is recognised, for me, it was like... getting a good test score is for you."

Kirtida caught onto his way of thinking quickly and frowned in contemplating what she just heard.

"So, are you telling me to get used to having girls pine over you right in front of my eyes?" she asked so he could get a bit of where she's coming from. He seemed to understand because he sighed.

"I don't exactly have it all figured out but," he came closer and took her hands in his, "for me, Quidditch is important."

"More than I am?" Kirtida jerked her head as soon as the words came out. That was a low blow and she knew it. "I'm sorry," she said and felt Daniel's hands tighten around hers.

"It's okay, I get it. Honestly, I also got a bit angry when you started to bail on our meetings and dove your nose into the books," he said softly with a smile. "But this is our final year, we have to get the best out of it while we can."

Kirtida released a breath she had no idea she was holding and came closer to the fairly muscly, broad body of the guy in front of her. She sagged against him and wrapped her arms around his waist loosely.

"Hug me?" she asked but Daniel was moving towards something else already and took her face in his hands to make her look at him properly before leaning down to kiss her. It was sweet and slow and it made her realise just how much she really missed him.

"I really want this to work out," she whispered between them as soon as their lips parted. 

"I know, so do I."

The response was like a balm to her tattered nerves and she promised herself that even with the loads of studying she felt like she needed to do, she's going to make more time for him.

"Let's meet every Saturday morning. It'll be our time," she said and Daniel chuckled.

"I like the idea but we have special training on Saturday for at least another month or two," he said and Kirtida bit her lip.

"So which time at weekend is available?"

"Saturday afternoon? Better than Sunday, I'm drained on Sunday evenings, the weekend is more intense for me than the school days."

"Okay, deal, Saturday afternoon it is."

Daniel smiled at her and quickly added his own bit to make it fair.

"And I'll try to have less fun with my fans," he said with a bit of sarcasm in his voice which didn't go unnoticed. Kirtida slapped him over the arm.

"You'd better!" she said with a threat in her voice but a smile on her face.

\------------------

Severus was getting restless. He knew exactly why, but the sheer thought of excepting it was unbearable for him. He tried to convince himself that it was because he was nervous about your upcoming tests. Or about the fact that it would his first time ending a school year. He even went so far as trying to blame his nerves about you finishing school and the possibilities it would open up for your relationship. The truth, simple embarrassing truth he tried to hide with all these plausible half-truths was, that he was getting sex-deprived.

You were in the possession of the Invisibility Potion, but you rarely ever came by. He knew you had your head full of other things, mostly your mother who seemed to be getting better, but it didn't lessen the frustrations he felt. Especially in your class of Advanced Potions. He saw your stolen looks and his mind wandered many times under your delectable uniform which was getting lighter with the increasing temperature. 

He was getting grumpier and easily irritated. Well, more easily than before. And students started to notice. You noticed as well.


	118. Chapter 118

"Seriously, Snape is always so mean on Fridays! I envy those who have Potions earlier in the week!"

Severus passed the unsuspecting student with a glare that could kill and it made the poor third year Ravenclaw pale in the face with worry but Severus had no time to stop and punish the obtuse child. He was headed to the Headmaster's office for some meeting about O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s. Severus normally wasn't the type to worry about much but it _was_ his first year as a professor so, naturally, he was curious about how things would unfold and what exactly would be required from him.

It was only later that night, that his mind wandered back to the memory. He frowned deeply. It didn't need a bright bulb to figure out why he was getting grumpier throughout the week. In April you established a routine of visiting him on Sunday evenings and by Friday, Severus was getting impatient for Sunday to come to have you for himself. He realised another thing, he was completely failing in keeping his emotions at bay. It wouldn't even require for Dark Lord to enter his mind, he was wearing his emotions on his sleeve for all to see, even the dunderheads in his classes noticed. 

That night, Severus was pondering many things, recalling some less pleasant memories. He couldn't believe how much had happened in a span of a year to him. You were like a little tornado entering his life and turning it upside down which was a strange feeling considering he knew you for seven years. Though, technically, you spent three years apart. 

\--------------

Another week has passed and Severus realised there was simply no way he could hold back his frustrations building up to the end of the week and so he came up with a new strategy. If he couldn't be nice (more like agreeable, really) all the time, he'd be mean all the time. It's not like that would be hard for him. Apart from you, it came to him like second nature. 

And so, on Monday he started off this little test of his. You noticed the change of "pattern" and right after the class was over, you approached Severus.

"Ehm, professor, I need some... help with... a..." you were desperately trying to think of a good reason why to talk to him while the rest of your classmates lazily left the room. Severus raised one brow in a mocking gesture and fixed his posture to stand straighter.

"Are you incapable of even forming words, Ms Y/L/N?" he asked in that degrading tone of his but his eyes were dancing with hidden curiosity. He was buying you some time to come up with a proper excuse.

"I'm sorry, sir, it's..." Lost for words again you looked at him desperately. Why wasn't your brain functioning properly? Most likely due to all the studying for N.E.W.T.s and cutting sleep. That's it!

"N.E.W.T.s, sir. I have some questions concerning the topics of the test."

Severus took a deep breath, feigning annoyance, though you could tell he was simply trying not to smirk at you.

"Very well," he said and looked over your head, just as the last student left and he swished his wand to close the door behind her and presumably used Muffliato.

"So what is this really about?" he asked once his eyes turned back to yours.

"You're in a bad mood," you simply stated the obvious and sat down on his desk. Severus raised one brow in question and elaborated once he realised you weren't about to say more.

"Is that it? I'm just... trying to be consistent. Dumbledore... you know it's dangerous for me, for you, if I'm too open to the world."

You wanted to roll your eyes but instead, you closed them.

"He won't come back," you said to make Severus relax.

"You can't know that."

Severus didn't say anything to that and you could see that his mind was made up. You almost groaned.

"I'm not having this conversation again."

"I agree," he said with a stark cold voice. Open to no discussion.

"You don't have to live in fear of him, Sev. _If -_ and for me, it's a big if - he's coming back, we'll deal with it then. No need to make our heads explode with it now."

Severus slammed a fist on the table and looked at you with badly concealed anger.

"Please tell me that utterly idiotic sentence just didn't come out of your mouth," he gritted through his teeth.

"Wha-" You were offended but he raised his voice over yours.

"You can't be this careless and foolish, Y/N, seriously! I have to train this, it's not like I just snap my fingers and suddenly I can control myself perfectly!"

There was a pause as he was trying to calm his rapid breathing.

"Obviously," you said and though it was filled with some venom, you also realised how true his words are and how his worries might not be an overreaction. Severus also realised he's once again lost his self-control. This was getting more difficult and more dangerous with each passing day. The feeling he had for you were overriding his common sense and coolheaded thinking. His cold logic was being compromised heavily by the raging fire in his heart. Then again, the feelings he had for you were also his biggest driving force, his motivation to succeed no matter what.

"I just don't want to lose you," he admitted quietly. It was a clear sentence, devoid of despair or sadness or any other emotion for that matter. It was simply a fact.

"I know," you said with a sigh and you placed your hand on his face. "I guess... I really like the Sev I see in front of me right now. I'm... afraid to lose you too. To your old ways, to the old you." You almost added: "To you, who left me back then," but this wasn't about making him feel guilty. It was about sharing your insecurities and there was much implied in what you said already.

Severus, however, could hear that loud thought and it took him by surprise, because A, it was the harsh truth, and B, _he could hear it_. He frowned and looked at your wrist. You noticed it and looked down as well.

"What is it?" you asked.

"The spell wore off, it seems," he simply said and your eyes widened.

"I see," you said, knowing what it meant. He heard. 

"Just give it to me and come back for it tomorrow. I'll fix it."

You carefully untied the bracelet around your wrist and put it into his open palm. He caught your fingers and lightly squeezed them.

"I'm not regressing, just perfecting a facade. If anything, I'm trying to move forward and become a better man." _For you_. It was unspoken, yet heard clearly and you smiled at him before turning to leave.


	119. Chapter 119

Severus was making a permanent enchantment on your wristband when he was interrupted by a soft knock on his office door.

"Enter," he said absentmindedly, his focus on the levitating object in front of him. There was a creak of the old heavy door as they opened and closed once again and then silence. It took Severus a moment to understand that someone's demanding his attention but he wasn't finished yet. Without looking away from his work he moved his hand towards the newcomer, whoever they were, to make them state their business with him.

"Professor, I..." the voice was familiar to Severus, most likely some Slytherin. 

"Out with it, miss, I don't have all day."

There was a pause and Severus almost rolled his eyes because he had no time for foolishness. 

"Nothing, sir, sorry to disturb you."

Before Severus managed as much as raise his eyes to the girl, his office was empty. he caught a glimpse of the Slytherin green on her robe and blond wavy hair as she hastily left but that was it. He frowned as he realised why the voice stood off to him. It was Ms Greengrass.

\----------

Lavender ran through the corridor and tried to reevaluate her next step. Telling Snape wouldn't do, she had to find another way. Or deal with it herself.

\----------

You were in your mother's hospital room, her laying body no longer lifeless. There were the softest flutters of her eyelids as if she was trying to wake up, her fingers twitched from time to time, her breath was no longer so shallow making her chest rise and fall more visibly. 

"She mumbles sometimes. As if she was trying to say something. I can never understand her, though," your father said somberly from the other side of the bed than you. 

You looked at him and if possible, e looked even more tired than ever. You looked back at your mum. Your father had hope now and that was a dangerous thing in itself but the problem was elsewhere. The progress was slow and draining. She was getting better, making him on the tip of his toes permanently, yet she still wasn't strong enough to wake up. You missed her so much but it was the look on your father's face that really made you cry in desperation inside. 

You stood up with a sigh and your father looked your way with questioning eyes.

"I'll go for some drink, you want something?" you asked and hoped he'd say yes, though it came as no surprise that he just shook his head no.

You wandered down the hospital hall and stopped in front of one door. Longbottoms. From time to time you peeked inside to see how they were doing. It was a chilling sight- They were staring nowhere, mumbling something, sometimes completely stoic, other times rocking their bodies from left to right or from front to back, sometimes in circles too but their faces were still the same. Empty.

"Who are you?" you heard a firm voice from behind and startled around to see an elderly woman with a scowl on her face. Your eyes turned down toward a little toddler boy, barely on his feet thanks to the grip on the woman. 

"I'm sorry, I'm... my mother lies in the opposite room."

A spark of recognition ran through the woman's eyes. 

"I see. I've heard she's getting better." The woman looked passed you to the room where Longbottoms laid. "Afraid she'll end up like my son and his wife?" Her piercing eyes came back to you and you had to look away.

"Yes... and no," you admitted.

"Which is it?" she asked as if she was losing patience with you. You looked her in the eyes again while your fingers started to fiddle with the hems of your sleeves.

"I was wondering if there really was no way to help them but... I'd be lying if I said there wasn't at least a bit of worry for my mother behind that thought."

There was yet another pregnant pause and you were just about to leave when an old hand was shoved n your field of vision.

"Augusta Longbottom."

You looked at her with bewilderment but to not appear rude you took her hand and squeezed it while introducing yourself. 

"What's his name?" you asked carefully, looking at the small child who looked like he didn't give a care in the world. As if the small boy could feel your gaze upon him, he turned to you and his big hazel eyes were curiously studying your face.

"Neville," Augusta said with a strange hint of unease in her voice. "I'm afraid he's a Squib. I swear this boy is as normal as they get."

You giggled at that.

"I'm sure he'll show in time. He has plenty of time to manifest," you tried to appease the scornful look on Mrs Longbottom's face. 

"We'll see."

\---------------

Once you arrived at Hogwarts, you immediately felt like there was something strange in the air. You couldn't pinpoint what, but something was off. Your suspicion got confirmed once you left from dinner.

"Can we talk?" 

You turned to Lavender who was standing right behind you and had a very serious expression on her face.

"Sure," you said, giving her your full attention. She was uncomfortable and looked around as if checking her surroundings for unwanted listeners.

"I know I... used to be..." she paused and sighed, "I'm sorry about the way I treated you. In the past. I..."

You were a little confused. What was this about? There was desperation on her face and it hit you. She wanted something from you.

"Lavender, what is it? What do you need?" you asked, not unkindly, but not exactly warmly. She immediately sagged as if there was a huge burden lifted from her shoulder, though she hadn't asked anything yet.

"Could I come back to you guys? To your room? It's-" she quickly brushed a runaway tear from her face, "I can't stay there anymore. It's all a huge reminder... the girls... the way they talk and act. I feel stupid and disgusted just being amongst them. Not to mention they're not exactly... accepting of my situation."

It took you a moment to answer but eventually, you nodded.

"I'll talk with the girls. It's not just my room but... I'm sure that once they'll get a grip on the situation, they'll be okay with it too."

Two days after, not even three months until you would all be gone anyway, you had three roommates once again. 


End file.
